ANTM Recap: America’s Next Top Macabre

34 Comments

1. 1
   AmyOops
   Posted September 3, 2012 at 4:33 pm

   Okay I just had to chime in before finishing the recap (BTW you’re totally forgiven for any rambling that occurs – this show is a hot mess). That scholarship thing is the biggest piece of fake -fucking-advertising I have EVER seen, and that’s saying something.

   Every single freaking time they hold a challenge they are going to shove this $10,000 bullshit down our throats. I wonder if they’ll mention EVERY show that its only for the ultimate WINNER.

   I am so disgusted. I’ve always watched this show and have been rather pro-Tyra, but I am now thoroughly annoyed. Of course I’ll still watch. Every episode. Without fail. Sometimes I hate myself

   Go Leila!

2. 2
   AmyOops
   Posted September 3, 2012 at 4:57 pm

   OH! I almost forgot, but I’ll you mention it, Luscious…ELECTIVE MAKEOVERS?!?!?!

   One of the reasons I even watch this show is the second or third eisode makeovers. For real. Even when some network plays repeat cycles I always DVR the makeover show. The whole season/cycle is based on what they do to the girls. If all the long hair chicks refuse a makeover I may honestly stop watching. They had better have a serious consequence if they do. Grrrr.

3. 3
   Brenda Sparks
   Posted September 3, 2012 at 5:27 pm

   I have a feeling you weren’t the only one to suffer at the hands of the new opening. Flashing lights will give people seizures. Wonder if Tyra knows that?

4. 4
   Lee
   Posted September 3, 2012 at 5:29 pm

   All the girls actually end up getting makeovers.

5. 5
   carol
   Posted September 3, 2012 at 5:51 pm

   “These teeth look like the “random hills” map on an elliptical machine.” AWESOME!!

   Sheena Grimes as a photographer was a joke. The camera was mounted and it did not move. She had to press a button, and since it is digital now, she could press the button as many times as she wanted until she got a picture. She was only on this show because 90210 is a fellow network show that is about to start their fall season. If that is what we have to look forward too this season, I think we should have a naked shoot with the Salvatore brothers from Vampire Diaries.

   This photo shoot was not as disturbing as the 7 deadly sins shoots a couple of seasons ago. When they were actually in a coffin in a grave, that was messed up. Why did they have to wear a nude body suit? Couldn’t they just have worn a deep v-neck shirt?

   I wish they would show the top two photos of each ‘model’ at the judging. I really do think they might skew some of the photos to make some look worse than others.

   Did anyone else notice that one diary session that the ‘model’ had a scarf on, it got me excited that this episode was the make-over, but no. Turns out they are just bad editors and used a diary session that was filmed way after.

   I actually like Rob as a judge. He is current and a peer. The girls will be more honest around him and will actually listen to him more. I think what makes him look a little odd is the fact that his head is disproportionate to his body, it’s very tiny.

   Why did they all have those red lips at panel? It looked odd, not really flattering on any of them. The only reason the eliminated contestants get to participate in the photo shoots and are not sent home is so their photo appears online. This is what I was wondering about, this is how they are getting around the eliminated contestants not appearing in the photos online.

6. 6
   cattyfan
   Posted September 3, 2012 at 6:42 pm

   If the camera was mounted, why were some shots of the models obviously (and more flatteringly) from the side while others were straight on? I call shenanigans. Get your brooms. (and now…on with my reading.)

7. 7
   cattyfan
   Posted September 3, 2012 at 7:19 pm

   Victoria was obviously chosen for the crazy factor. Mission accomplished. She and her mom are the basis for a script for a future Criminal Minds.

   Dear Tyra,

   When your audience is primarily women, why did you fire good-looking, straight Nigel and replace him with gay, vapid Rob? If Rob isn’t already out, the way he gazes (gayzes?) at Jonte will change that shortly.

   I really miss Nigel and Mr. Jay…and I loathe this new crop of “characters.” I also hate that Tyrant can skew the media scores to oust whomever she wants.

   But I didn’t find the dead mounted head concept any more or less offensive than some of the past years’ challenges…like when the girls posed as dead bodies…posed in tubs of blood as victims of vampires or as the vampires, I don’t remember which…posed straddling a toilet…and others that were equally disgusting. What I DO find disturbing is that any of this crap qualifies as high fashion.

   And Leila? Is hideous.

8. 8
   Meaghan
   Posted September 3, 2012 at 7:19 pm

   -le sigh-

   I’ve been religiously watching ANTM since the season finale of cycle 5 after I caught the back half of a marathon on VH1. I’ve seen every episode of ANTM at least twice.

   Now that I’m in college and this is the ‘college edition’, I see how weird this show has gotten. It was best in the first 9 cycles, though I did enjoy 12 and 13. I can usually tell who the winner will be (“oh, we haven’t had a black girl win in three cycles! Better pick her!”) by the top 7 or so, so the surprise is gone (except for something like say, Teyona vs. Allison, where I swore Allison would win).

   And I’m still bitter over the sacking of The Jays.

   I literally glared at my screen and said aloud “you are *not* Jay Manuel.”

   The point system bothers me, too. Why do we have to be all ‘hip’ now? I’ll tell you what: they’re trying to be younger and fresher. The funny thing to me now is that they’re in this “COLLEGE EDITION”. I’m telling you firsthand, NO COLLEGE STUDENT IS WATCHING ON FRIDAY AT 8 UNLESS THEY ARE SICK IN BED. They’re either out partying or at a campus event. I sure know I’m watching a lot of episodes on the CW website due to campus events that I work at.

   -le sigh again-

   Why, Tyra. Why.

9. 9
   sagittariuskim
   Posted September 3, 2012 at 7:33 pm

   Victoria looks like Lea Michele. There’s something really disturbing about her, the girls sharing a room with her should sleep with one eye open.

   I’m really meh about the all of the changes. I miss the Jays, but I’m not that upset about it.

   I’m in college and I can see people watching while pregaming and getting ready to go out. Most parties don’t start until 9 0r 10.

10. 10
    emily
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 10:45 pm

    I thought i was the only one that was turn off by the suite. Why would you want to sleep on a bed that has been slept by other people who knows what the other people have. Also when you win a challenge they should give you a option of not having to pick someone to share the suite.

    I was watching a couple of episodes of Season 3 of this show the other day and Tyra was less full of herself she did not make the girls jump up for joy whenever she showed up and the Tyra mails were more subtle.

11. 11
    whatwhat
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 2:55 am

    Victoria talks like Rachel Berry. It’s like she is the real life version of Rachel Berry. I keep expecting her to break out in a Streisand tune. I mean seriously, her speech patterns and voice are way too eerily similar and it’s kinda creeping me the hell out.

12. 12
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 4:08 am

    I watch a lot of really terrible reality television but I’m pretty sure this is way too stupid and terrible for even me to stomach. EVERYTHING about it is terrible. The new judges are awful. That whole ‘Bryanboy’ situation is surreal and cringeworthy. The fan comments (and god forbid, fan VIDEOs) are boring and stupid and useless, the scoring is arbitrary and tell us NOTHING about the pictures pro and con like in prior seasons… There are just NO redeeming qualities about this show whatsoever.

    Then there was the stripper walk in the beginning. Really Tyra? Really? They are told to do a sexy walk on a stripper runway and work with a pole – excuse me, RING, sooooo different! – and be judged on how they did? And the feedback is basically whether they brought the sexy or not? I was embarassed for them. Or I WOULD have been if —

    I thought for a minute that any of these girls were actual contestants and not hired actresses straight out of a cattle call for roles to play on this season. Here’s Kiara, played by X, to portray tough oldest child of neglectful single mom. And here’s Victoria, played by X, to portray isolated christian homeschooler too attached to her mom. Seriously, how do they expect us to take any of these contestants seriously AT ALL when it is obvious they are not themselves? Bring me proof and witnesses to document their authenticity, otherwise I call bullshit.

    And speaking of Victoria, she comes from a world I know a lot about. And NO WAY. A girl who is isolated and homeschooled in that kind of strict christian environment and isn’t even permitted to go to a regular university but is instead enrolled in Liberty University – one of the strict christian fundamentalist colleges for the homeschooled isolated girl who isn’t permitted to leave home – does not just take up and go to Hollywood to become ANTM to strut her stuff and interact with the godless gays etc (not my opinion, the attitude I am referring to here) and do so with reckless abandon when she gets here. All with the apparent blessing of her mother. NO WAY is she authentic. She is over the top and playing a role, and not convincingly.

    This whole season is complete BS and not at all fun to watch. And Tyra and her ‘Harvard’ degree can suck it. She is so full of herself it’s a wonder she can fit in the rooms she walks in any more.

    Nope. This show is too terrible to watch any more. And I watch crap. But not this much crap. I’m OUT!

13. 13
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 4:54 am

    I wonder if Victoria’s mom is that Christian or if she is just overtly conservative and doesn’t trust the outside world. I feel like if they were super-fundamentalist type of people, like the Duggars, we would have heard something about Jesus by now. All I’ve heard from Victoria is that her mom is actually the sun and the moon, and that she, Victoria, deserves to win everything on Earth because she is the best. And the fact that her mom was not surprised by her behavior on the phone makes me think that she’s the real deal.
    What is she gonna do when her mom passes though? And what happened to Victoria’s dad? Their whole situation is giving me Carrie vibes.

    I actually don’t mind the judging panel too too much. Kelly Cutrone is okay and I like Rob Evans alot. I didn’t think too much of him in his pictures because his face is just so skrong (yes with a k) but on film and with his accent, he’s much more palatable. Ms. Jay’s replacement is entertaining too. But I hate Bryanboy, I hate the fan videos and this social media bullshit, and I fucking hate the asshole who replaced Jay Manuel. He is so terrible and gives like no direction. Like when Jessie was struggling, his advice was to breathe through her teeth because Giselle did it once. What in the entire fuck. Giselle does alot of other shit too besides breathing. Maybe suggest some of those things instead of telling her to breathe through her damn teeth. He was just trying to drop names, and I bet money that he wasn’t even really involved in that Giselle shoot. He was probably just blotting sweat from her forehead. BRING BACK MR. JAY. *flips over table*

    Kristin is hilarious though and I do like Leila.
    I’m also disappointed about Jessie. I agree that people were expecting her to be kind of like Allison Harvard, where she looks weird and nerdy but is actually Adriana Lima in disguise, but that wasn’t happening.

14. 14
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 7:08 am

    You don’t choose Liberty University in a vacuum. It’s the strictest of the strict fundamentalism. Also, Victoria’s ‘mom’ told her to remember her ‘armor of God’. That’s straight out of the fundamentalist playbook. I spent sixteen years in that world and have talked with and supported women and girls trying to get away from their suffocating hyper-fundamentalist families since then. There are lots of homeschooled kids who are secular or not part of that hyper-isolotionist religious world view. But they don’t talk like that and they don’t choose Liberty U for college. The Duggars are in that world but they also embrace quiverfull and ATI which Victoria’s mother may not. But the other parts of it are there from what we’ve seen.

    This all assumes Victoria is not central casting. Which I think she is. She doesn’t ring true at all.

    I’m glad other people are annoyed by Bryanboy as well. I don’t like to be a hater but that kind of self-conscious hip affectation irks the hell outta me. Flame on but don’t be a little douche about it. Bryanboy has gay douche all over him. If you get what I mean. It’s hard to find the right words. LOL

    And I also call BS on Miss 90210 being the photog for the shoot. Really? You couldn’t find someone more professional? What? Has she been taking pictures at her family picnics and they turned out really well so it seemed like a good idea to have her do the shoot and get some PR for the premiere of the new season of 90210? This show is ridiculous.

    These girls had NO instruction before their shoot and almost none during it. Again, central casting so I don’t think it actually matters this time. But the entire season set up is bogus. P’Trique is his name? First of all, more affectation. Seriously. P’Trique? Sigh. Anyway, aside from the name the wig and clothes are ridiculous.

    Ridiculous. I sense a theme here. Hate. Hate. Hate. This. Season.

15. 15
    Luscious
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Love. Love. Love. These Comments.

16. 16
    smango
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 10:44 am

    The numerical scores from the judges seem very arbitrary. Like, hmmmm….. Six! What are they basing them on? Is there some kind of rubric. I know the judging was arbitrary before, but now, its like they’re being up-front about the randomness.

    What’s the deal with not everyone getting makeovers? Really? That’s the best episode of each season!

    Is the $10k stockpile the only money the winner gets? If so, that’s a pretty clever ploy… pick the chick with the least wins.

17. 17
    AmyOops
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    @Andyourlittledogtoo: Ahhhhh! I never in a million years thought I would hear the words “Quiverfull” and “ATI” on the Gasm lol. I spent about a year doing some pretty deep research about the fundamentalist patriarchal movement, but since I stopped research months ago I haven’t heard of anyone else familiar with the scary-ass movement (shudder).

    @cattyfan: AH HA! So I wasn’t the only one whose gaydar was blaring in association with Rob. His ridiculously over emphasized accent is sooo irritating, as well.

    OMG I totally agree about this being a stripper challenge. Inappropriate and just kinda dumb. I thought this was “high fashion”? Hahahahaha!! Also I agree the social networking guy is annoying and the videos are absurd, and they need a creative director on the shoots THAT KNOWS WHAT A
    SHOOT IS!

    I’m so glad you guys are here to vent to…and know I’m not alone in my hatred

18. 18
    AmyOops
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Oh and Lee thank you SO much for the info regarding the makeovers. I was freaked.

    @smango: Lee cleared that up for us!

19. 19
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    The videos are the worst. That one guy who liked blonde girl (I don’t remember her name) was totally judging her on her eff-ability factor. Seriously, what’s next? A wet t-shirt contest? I’m sure the pervy guys whose video commentaries we will be graced with will love that.

    And the ‘scholarship money’. Okay, first of all, cruel to hold that out to girls (assuming as I do not that they are actual contestants) and wisk it away if they don’t win the whole enchilada. But then! the girl who DOES win the whole thing gets her prize money from challenges for her scholarship BUT THE WHOLE POINT OF THE CONTEST IS TO BECOME AMERICA’S NEX TOP MODEL SO WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO WITH TEH SCHOLARSHIP MONEY?! She is supposed to be going into her fabulous new career as a model! (yeah I know, they never do but follow me here). The girls who actually (were they real) need to go back to school get zip, and the girl who is ‘launched into modeling’ gets the scholarship money. Sure. That makes total sense.

20. 20
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    @AmyOops – Yeah, I know. Quiverfull and ATI don’t match up with the ‘gasm. It’s like matter and antimatter. Watching my old friends fall into the whole movement and have a dozen or more kids while homeschooling and stockpiling and submitting and preaching patriarchy and uber modesty is like a nightmare. But I spent sixteen years in a strict religious cult with them and this is what happened to a lot of them, they got sucked into the movement through homeschooling materials and conventions over time and it’s hard to watch them do it. All you can do is be there when they try to leave, which is hard to do once you have a bunch of kids and no marketable skills or family support on the outside. Sigh.

    So I call bullshit on Victoria. I really do. Could she just be some extreme outlier, her and her codependent mother? Sure. But when you combine Liberty U with Victoria’s need for parental contact and advice on that level (which is a desired patriarchal outcome for raising children, they never get to be adults in their own right and are always hyper-dependent on their parents and need to line up their thoughts with theirs 100%), and the ‘armor of God’ command, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put it all together. But of course I think she’s faking so whatever.

21. 21
    juddfan
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Wow, I’m loving the comments here too!!! I thought I was a complainer . . . . hee . . . you all are tearing this muthah a new one, fer sures!

    Victoria is a trip, no matter where she is from, casting or legit . . . I laugh, laugh, laugh at her crying to Mom. I wonder if CPS will look into her situation after the show . . . because it is so wrong. It is not right to make your child think you are their universe, and keep them away from all others. Home schooling or not, it is bizarre to see her here if her story is true. And chaos . . . “I should have known it would be red!”

    “It’s pink, Momma!”

    Rob, I could care less, eh, hated that hat oh so much! I miss Nigel most of all, but he was getting all icky with the young girls the last few cycles. I don’t hate the social media aspect . . . but the person doing it is Bobby Trendy lite, and not cool in any way. A veil? A veil? Not that Bobby Trendy is cool or anything . . . just a comparison.

    I’ll let the rest of you continue to bash away, I love it!!!

    andyourlittledogtoo! So interesting to hear all that . . . I had no idea. That’s why I love TVGasm!!!

22. 22
    juddfan
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    oh, and agreed on the pain of watching Jessie just sit there, with not one suggestion to tilt her head or anything.

    I don’t think she’s modelling material, but if they redo Scooby do, she’ll make an awesome Velma!

23. 23
    AmyOops
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    @Andyourlittledogtoo: Oh that truly must have been been horrific…witnessing, no less being a part of, that nightmare. I’m glad to hear you’re there for the few who do manage to get out, though

    And I’m just going to believe that Victoria is an alien. She’s creepy enough to be from another planet lol.

24. 24
    labowner
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Should have put spoiler alert on your post Lee. Some of us like to be surprised.

25. 25
    Khakie
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 9:37 pm

    The recap is fantastic but could you please put in pictures of the girls best shot when discussing the judging panel?

26. 26
    Luscious
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 9:21 am

    All the best shots can be found on the cw website:

    http://www.cwtv.com/shows/americas-next-top-model/photos/00661410c5f

27. 27
    Rebecca
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Jessie was cute– but, honestly, without the glasses and cute outfits, she looked pretty ordinary.

28. 28
    Moli
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Dammit@Lee, what happened to…

    SPOILER ALERT
    [space]
    [space]
    [space]

    The spoiled piece of information!

    This season is horrible(more than the normal Tyrahorror)

29. 29
    Em Pathetic
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Yes, @chaosbutterfly–I was totally getting a Carrie vibe the whole time!

    Creepy is what it is. And I hope, hope, HOPE fake as all hell. Because I just can’t with people, you know? I mean alllllll the time and for the stupidest shit. But this is not stupid. This is scary, scary, dangerous, gross. The one ray of hope in the whole thing is that if Victoria never loses that precious virginity, she won’t spawn any Children of the Corn, either!

30. 30
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    @Em Pathetic, there’s always in vitro though. As much as Victoria loves her momma, I can’t imagine her not wanting to have a kid herself, even if she never intends on getting a man. And I’m sure she’d get a kick out of technically experiencing immaculate conception. I bet she names it after her mom too, whether its a boy or girl.

    And as to why Jessie’s butt was blurred and Tyra’s was not is because Tyra just had a hint of bootycheek hanging out. The vast majority of Jessie’s butt was out. It was like the suit bottom was there for decorative purposes only. Behold: http://i.imgur.com/l2h7N.gif

    Also, Tyra doesn’t blur her butt because everyone needs to see it. It sat in Harvard’s “business school” seats and is the best butt of all time because it tooches and smizes and did I mention that it went to Harvard?
    No?
    Oh well, it did. It did go to Harvard.

31. 31
    labowner
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Well that explains the fake degree if it was just her booty attending school Chaos.

32. 32
    Andrea
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    I don’t know what to think about Kristin…she is so ridiculously full of herself but her bitch face and the things she says makes me think she is my spirit animal. I’m kind of obsessed with her, if she’d just shut up about how beautiful she is. She’s pretty generic as far as ‘pretty girls’ go and everyone knows that’s not gonna win you ANTM.

    I think the scholarship money is ridiculous too…so instead of giving them ACTUAL prizes such as designer clothes etc you are giving them money that they’ll probably never earn? Such bullshit.

33. 33
    isthathissister
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    Yes! Totally a ‘carrie’ vibe from Victoria. Maybe she hasn’t gotten her sexual awakening yet, and it will happen in the house, and all the girls will start throwing tampons at her, telling her to ‘plug it up! plug it up!’ Not that I want that to happen, but some telekinesis could only improve this crapfest.

    I’ve watched EVERY cycle of antm, even as they continued to go downhill, but this is just too much. This cycle is just awful. The social media scores are arbitrary, the new judges suck and offer NO helpful critiques, the “scholarship” money is useless (who wants to bet that, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, the girl who has never won best photo wins the whole shebang. Cheap bastards), and Nylon magazine? Who the fuck is Nylon magazine? Even covergirl jumped off of this sinking ship.

    Of course I’ll continue to watch though. Next week is the makeover episode (thank God they stopped calling them Ty-overs). I can’t miss that.

    OH! and one more thing. What really bothered me about this episode? probably more than anything else? The fact that they didn’t photoshop the split in the wood out, where the two pieces of the wood came apart so the girls could stick their head through the wall? Seriously, you didn’t even try to make it look like real taxidermy. It would’ve taken 5 minutes per photo with the clone tool.

    This season sucks. But the recap was great!

34. 34
    fancyface
    Posted September 8, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Well Lee’s ‘SPOILER’ is completely false if that’s any consolation.