Hey ANTM gasmii! Hypnotoad here. I recapped Desperate Housewives and Pretty Little Liars and I’m taking a break from recapping. But they pulled me back in to fill in for this week’s episode of the worst cycle of ANTM ever. Now, I’m a huge fan of ANTM. Who are my favorites? Laura from Cycle 13/17, Allison (12/17), Renee (8), Nik (5), Joanie (6), and Annaliese, Sophie, and Catherine (18). I tend to think the wrong girl always wins. (I mean, come on: Teyona? McKey? Krista? Seriously?) Also, I know lot of people hated the British Invasion, but I, for one, loved it (I loved the All-Stars one as well). Unlike this cycle, which sucks on toast. This was a busy episode, so let’s get started!
So, people are bitching about being in the bottom two, especially Laura. Laura, sweetie, you shouldn’t worry — if this were any other cycle, you would have been sent home by now. Brittany’s reading a letter from her sister about hanging in there and being beautiful and crap. Crap like that.
“P.S. I’m voting for Leila. Your photos suck. LYLAS!”
Oh, harsh! Well, I guess Brit-Brit’s sister knows how to play the game. Brittany’s sick of not getting the best photo. Well, since they’re focusing on you for the first 5 minutes of this episode, I’m guessing that’s probably not going to work out for you. Just sayin’.
The girls talk about which girl is going to come back and then they pray over their food.
“And Lord, with your infinite wisdom and divine power, please smite BryanBoy. Like, hard. Smite that useless bitch hard, yo.”
They wonder if Victoria’s coming and then she shows up at the table. In an interview, Victoria is still sore about the girls telling Tyra in panel that Victoria isn’t healthy and stable. Things are awkward at the table as Brittany asks her what’s going on. And then
Heather Chandler Kristin starts badgering Victoria, telling her that she’s not stable enough to handle the competition. She’s pissed that Victoria made them look mean in front of the panel. Victoria basically says, “I’m feeling better, I’m moving on,” and then Kristin’s all, “Don’t start with me.” Bitch, what? Shut up, Kristin.
Credits. Anyone notice that this is the first cycle where they don’t show the girls’ names? They probably had to shorten that shit so that Tyra could explain the rules of the cycle each week. And so that she can show off her smize-iness with stupid Rob.
And we’re back to everyone bitching about Victoria. Kiara talks about her hard life and how her life was hard and also, about how hard her life was. Oh, and she had a hard life. Victoria cries about not being able to talk to her mom.
Tyra Mail time! No one understands it, like always. The next morning, Kelly tells them that it’s time for go-sees in L.A. And we all know that whenever the girls have local go-sees, it means their trip abroad will be to some lame place that isn’t a fashion capital of the world and therefore has no houses of fashion. This cycle is so low-budge, I’m sure they’re probably going to Iowa or something.
Welcome to Des Moines Fashion Week.
Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaah. Markus from L.A. Models is there to tell them where they’re going: Guess, Whitney Port, Cecilia Cassini, I Heart Ronson, Lulu Guiness. Wow, Guess and Whitney Port? They’re really stepping it up this cycle. Forget Italian Vogue! We’ve got Guess and the cover of Nylon magazine! So, the designers can only book one girl, but the girl can book more than one designer. They all pair up and leave for their go-sees, driving around L.A. like the girls did in the infinitely better Shorty Cycle (13).