Greetings, Gasmii!
I can’t believe it. We’re at the final episode of ANTM College Edition. Once this disaster is over, I wonder what schtick Tyra plans on using next season. She’s exhausted her “Harvard degree” bragging rights, so I’d be interested in ideas for what she’ll blow out of proportion next season.
Before we get to the train wreck, I’d like to offer another shout out to Hypnotoad, who once again did a fantastic rundown of last week’s episode. I’m happy to hear it wasn’t the expected flashback episode – yay for chopped budgets! Anyway, his work was so excellent, I haven’t even bothered to watch it.
No need when Super Hypnotoad is here.
So thanks for all your help, Hypno. You are awesomesauce.
Alright where the hell do we start with this mess? I guess I’ll just go in the order this shit showed, but it was all over the map and if it don’t make sense, well, that in and of itself makes sense, since Tyra is the Queen of Cray Cray.
BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Why Am I laughing?
Well because I just googled “Tyra Banks Queen of Cray Cray”
And this is what I got.
Anyway, so the show starts out showing our three finalists and giving us a recap on who they are. Leila is the comeback kid, having done something never before accomplished on ANTM: come back. Then there’s Laura trying to step out of the shadow of her famous parents and be a beauty in her own right. And Kiara, the warrior fighting tooth and nail to achieve her dreams. Blah blah blah.
Suddenly, we cut to an old mansion in Jamaica, which Tyra tells us is haunted. The cameras go inside. We get this:
Did Tyra think this was going to air in October?
Ominous music plays and we see all these frantic Blair Witch cuts of ghosts and tutus and our finalists appearing to lay broken on a floor and waving curtains and chandeliers and tracking up a spiral staircase and faces floating through the air. All of that in two seconds. I already have a headache and have a bad feeling that Tyra is going to cut this entire episode in that frenetic flashy way that will set all our epileptic viewers off.
Its horrible.
So, WTF is up with this haunted house?
Tyra Serling is here to explain all.
She’s talking funny because she’s trying to smize the entire time in a haughty Elvira sort of way. Tyvira explains to us that this will be a “terrifying runway finale like we’ve never seen before.”
I don’t know about that … I’m still reeling from Teyona’s weave severing from her head as she clamored in the mud on Season 12.
Hard to imagine anything scarier than this..
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Dear Tyra:
You are not in touch with the world. You have no idea what the world likes. You are that annoying little shit that is desperately trying to be the “popular kid” but has no idea how to actually talk to people like a real human being. You do not understand social media, that was made evident in the All-Stars Cycle when you mysteriously demanded that the girls somehow “become a meme” by making ridiculous music videos that you then felt obligated to insert yourself into. You do not understand how social media is important, you heard it was important so you decided to try and jam it into your show.
You have single-handedly stripped ANTM of everything that was remotely good about it. Your photo shoots are cheaper than shit, your “challenges” aren’t even challenges, you don’t even bother to try and teach the girls how to be a model anymore, you expect them to show up and know how to do everything. You got rid of the most influential role models (Look, Miss J may have been ridiculous but the bitch knew how to walk and knew how to teach a girl to walk) and replaced them with eye candy, bitches and morons who did little more than snipe and argue and rip the girls to shreds.
You used to seem to care about the girls on your show. You used to talk about how being a model was inspiring, how it meant being a role model for girls, how attitude and performance was what was important. You’ve decided that it’s far more “entertaining” to make up ridiculous catch phrases (Seriously, what the bloody hell is a tooch and who gives a shit) for things than really talk about finding the light and portraying movement and walking the goddamn runway.
And you just let the most self-absorbed vapid little cunt walk away with the ANTM title, which people are already ripping to shreds as the worst decision ever.
It used to be about the models. Now it’s painfully obvious all you’re concerned about is the ratings.
Stop.
Thanks.
It’s weird how they “loved” Leila’s Nine West shot but gave her a 8,7,8 score. Also, those couture dresses made me think of a horror movie “Attack of the Alien Chickens”. Tyra just gets weirder and weirder. That final shot of her and Laura … notice Tyra elbowing Laura out of the shot? So sad …
Did anyone else catch that part where the ‘guests’ at the runway show had to sit there for three hours before the girls even started walking. DAMN.
Laura is never going to make it in the industry. If she couldn’t get there with her parent’s connections before, this show isn’t going to help her. Now people know that she doesn’t work well when there are better models around. Also, she loves to fake cry all the time. Also, the fact that both her parents were there made me think they might have pulled their strings to get their daughter to win. There is no way that Laura’s look would have gone anywhere in any of the past seasons. She is very commercial, like she would fit perfectly in a J. Crew catalog or a Ralph Lauren ad but I could never picture her in Vogue for something to do with high fashion.
At first I thought the Kelly/Jiz fight was fake and a test for the girls. It would have been awesome if it was, just to see how the ‘models’ handle that type of pressure.
That runway was ridiculous. I doubt Tyra could have walked it in some of those neck pieces. It just looked awful. What were they thinking? It would have been a challenging runway even without blocking 50% of the girls vision. Did anyone see Victoria back for the runway?
Ugh I wish Laura didn’t win. I had the weirdest dream after watching this episode. I dreamt that Tyra was doing a”re-winner” of every cycle, so she was picking girls who would have won if they re-did the cycle. Anyway, Bianca “re-won” for her cycle (the one where they went to China and Soleisha won). For her winning runway walk, Bianca had to walk a leashed crocodile done the runway where I was apparently a guest, and the crocodile started nipping my toes and I freaked out. Ugh it was so bizarre!
I wish Leila won. Kiara looks too old and had bad skin. Laura just does not look like a model to me.
Maybe laura’s daddy picked up the tab for ‘cycle’ 20… Cuz lord knows that budget was in dire straits
I have to laugh at Tyra constantly bragging about graduating from Harvard, I found this when I wikepedia’d her name:
In 2011, Banks enrolled in the nine-week-long Owner/President Manager Program (OPM) at Harvard Business School’s open-enrollment extension school.[42] Banks passed the Executive Education Training Program in February 2012, earning a certificate, not a degree
hahaha seems even wikipedia is tired of Tyra’s BS. Looks like even I can graduate from Harvard!
Before I read:
First of all, PIIIIIISSSSSSSSSED.
Why wasn’t Victoria part of the runway show? Hmmmmmmmm?
Carol, I thought the same thing about it being a test.
I totally wasn’t even going to post this comment, but my verification is “bitter end”, which is so fitting I had to post about it.
Argh. This cycle was a g.d. wash and waste of time. I’m not even going to buy it on Amazon/Vudu. Ever.
I am so pissed that Laura won. She better thank god this wasn’t a normal cycle of ANTM, because she would have gone home early on in the competition. I wanted Leila to win, but I fully expected Kiara to take the crown, so I would have accepted that. But this, THIS . . .
Also, it’s completely unfair that these girls had virtually NO runway practice/teach time. At all. So, yeah, Leila had a bad walk, but Tyra & Co. did nothing to help her with that. I understand that Ms. J. wasn’t there (*sniff*) but they couldn’t find any substitute? I feel like they shouldn’t have given her so much crap since they didn’t even help her out with her runway walk.
Kelly pissed me off during this episode. Last cycle she berated Louise for having even less of an attitude on set than Kelly and Jez during this episode. If Laura had been the one arguing, you would have bet Kelly would have been on her in panel like Tyra on a baked ham. It was incredibly unprofessional and, hey, Kelly, if you represent the client, maybe you should go over the lighting and crap BEFORE the shoot starts? It made her look really unprofessional. And her yelling at Leila in panel, like, “I don’t care! I don’t want excuses!” was, well, kind of vile. Again, Leila had NO help with her walk. And it’s not like she’s gone down the runway except in their stupid college “sorority” house. Kelly could have been a little more tactful. And part of me really, REALLY wanted Leila to go all British Louise and Kelly’s ass and walk out. (You guys remember that, right? That. Was. AWESOME. Maybe I’ll watch ANTM: BI today just to wash the memory of this p.o.s. bullshit from my brain.) But Kelly redeemed herself a bit by gushing over Leila’s photos.
I think Leila will do okay, if she really wants this. Nylon LOVED her, so hopefully that’ll help her in the end. I can even see her doing runway if she gets her runway act together. Kiara will probably do a Maxim photo shoot and that’s about it. Laura will redeem her prizes and never work again. I think Laura is a nice girl. Well, sorry, I think she CAN BE a nice girl, but she’s not a good model. At all. Again, she better thank god this wasn’t a regular cycle of ANTM.
And OMG, Luscious, I didn’t notice those creepy photos of the video people until you said something!!
Thanks so much for recapping this train-wreck of dreckitude, Luscious. Thank god it’s over. Have a drink.
Also, I totally used to think the words to “Dancehall Days” were, “We were cool. On. Christ. In our dance. Hall. Days.”
@Hypno
That’s not the words??? Then what are they saying?
So Laura, who tanked every aspect of the finale in comparison to Leila and Kiara, wins the whole cycle because they averaged the ENTIRE cycle? No one is ever going to convince me that Laura wasn’t designated winner from day one. Her parents totally bought this one for her.
Also, someone please explain the challenge averaging to me because Leila was not a participant in about half the challenges since she was sidetracked due to her elimination. So how would that be fair AT ALL? No one knows how she would have done in comparison to Laura and Kiara had she competed in the rest of the challenges.
Also, the final scores were so arbitrary. Leila was wonderful except in runway so her scores were low. Laura sucked at most everything but her scores were through the roof. Whatever.
This cycle sucked ass. What a waste of an hour on Friday night.
I finally get it!!! Tyra couldn’t appeal to the adult woman demographic, so she effed with the show until it was so ridiculously unrealistic and juvenile that it played to a new demographic…children!
So now Tyra can be campy and goofy and plain ol’ stupid and it goes over quite well with the impressionable little girls that want to be just like her!
We. Are. Doomed.
Now I’m off to read the surely fabulous recap and comments. Had to get that off my chest.
I’m so disappointed in this cycle.
Please go to the website and look at the pictures of the photo shoots now that the season is over.
I voted all summer and eliminated someone every week.
My final three were Alyssa, Nastasia, and Leila, with Nastasia winning.
Their pictures were stunning.
I am glad they at least got a portfolio out of this and wish all of the non-winners nothing but the best of success in the future.
http://www.cwtv.com/thecw/antmvoting#3
I knew Laura would win. I predicted it last week, and I am outraged I was correct! You guys on the Laura’s daddy bought the cycle are SO on track. I hadn’t thought of that. Laura has maybe three good angles. Leila has 333 good angles.
Any yes, you KNOW they purposely gave poor Leila TWO goddammed dresses that she couldn’t see in. She should sue, not that her contract with the devil will allow that.
Thanks Hypnotoad and Luscious for great recaps. So really, seriously…what ARE the lyrics?
The only part of the finale that I loved was when Kelly and that photographer got into it. Not only was Kelly right but it upset Laura which was like a bonus.
Kelly wasn’t right, she was just loud. If it’s her client she should have been there when the photographer was lighting the set. She left it to the producers, they didn’t know what she wanted, and then, when she didn’t want to accept blame, she blamed everyone else. Klassy.
Leila should have won, and looking at those final scores, she grossly underscored her so that Kiara would come in second so they could say, “Hey it wasn’t, us. She just didn’t have the scores,” even though both of her photo shoots were deemed “the best” for the clients.
Models fall all the time on the runway, even the great Naomi Campbell. It’s not that big a deal. And Leila’s awkward walk isn’t a problem, either. Not everything is sashaying and shantaying down the runway. Plenty of designers like Viktor + Rolf or Issey Miyake just want the girls to walk down the runway and show the clothes, not themselves. Leila could have learned to have a better walk. But maybe Tyra knows that her show is a joke and didn’t want to kill any career Leila might have by crowning her.
Nah.
@Luscious — isn’t it, “We were cool. On. Craze. In our dance. Hall. Days.”?
I wonder what “craze” is. Is it like that made-up drug on the original 90210, “euphoria?” I hope so. A lot. I was so messed up on euphoria during high school, you guys.
On another barely related topic, I saw the amazing “Skyfall” this weekend. Bond goes to Macau and I kept thinking of that weird and hilarious guy from the ANTM: British Invasion cycle: “Welcoooooooommmmme . . . TO MACAAAAAAAUUUUUU!”
I’m wavering between being pissed that Laura won and just being thankful that this crappy cycle is finally over. I wish I could say that I won’t tune in for the next one, but who am I kidding, I totally will. Life is nothing without being able to whine about crappy CW reality shows that are now mere shadowy shams of their once sort-of-barely-greatness.
And again: Where the hell were Jessie and — mostly — Victoria during the final runway show? Can anyone find an article? Maybe Victoria didn’t come back because she was spending time with Mama and couldn’t be bothered . . .
I cannot stand how beautiful Nastasia looks in her Nine West photo. Like my eyes are so dazzled right now. And I even want the shoes she has on.
It’s almost enough to make me not so annoyed that I wasted like twelve hours of my life on the mass of fuckery, masturbation and chicanery that Tyra is calling a tv show right now.
Because I don’t understand.
Leila is someone who almost has it all. She looks amazing, takes a fierce picture, is not a cuntwaffle, is pretty eloquent so she will make a good spokesmodel, she seems to take direction well on set, actual clients want her…but they relegate her to third just because she has a bad runway walk.
Too bad they don’t have a coach or something like that who can teach the girls to be better walkers, huh. One of those would have really come in handy.
And what the fuck was Jonte doing all season if he wasn’t teaching these bitches to sashay and shonte? Like really though, wasn’t that supposed to be his job?
What the fuck is Tyra paying these bitches for? He and Johnny Wujek need to get the fuck out. If they’re back next season, I am going to scream.
Lololololololol though about how Laura is barely in the picture with the Tyra. Like you see all of Tyra and then Laura’s disembodied pumpkin floating beside it.
I hope she’s comfy playing second fiddle though…she did it throughout this competition to Leila and she’s going to be doing it for the rest of her career to all the models out there who are better and more versatile than her.
But thank you so much for the recaps, Luscious and Hypnotoad.
They definitely made an otherwise painful season bearable.
Ah, Hypno, I’m kinda sad it isn’t “We were cool. On. Christ.” I had this vision of hilariously religious people thinking themselves super hip while spinning around in Irish wool sweaters.
Maybe Victoria was in a hospital for her eating disorder?
The whole idea that dad contributed to the budget to secure his daughter’s win never occurred but I have seen that sort of thing done. Read: Freddie Highmore appearing as young King Arthur in Mists of Avalon (his first role) … shit I hope my NDA has expired.
If Laura’s dad put up the money then, man, he must not be getting a lot of “Dynasty” residual dough. Because this cycle had the budget of a local P.T.A. holiday party. I don’t know if I’ll hop on the Daddy Train, but I do think this cycle was rigged a lot of the time. Because it was so flippin’ easy to rig. I mean, in past cycles one could argue that Cover Girl picks the winner early on, but there isn’t much evidence on the screen. But this cycle, the judges could give a girl a low score to off-set the balance of challenges and social media scores. Basically, the judges could manipulate any girl’s position they wanted, since they already had social media and challenge scores.
I guess that, given that I don’t think Laura deserved to win, I can take a tiny, eensy bit of comfort in the fact that she won a cycle that was almost undeniably rigged and full of f**kery and dubious-ness. Dubiocity? Whatever.
Ew. Even if you ignore the pumpkin-colored skin, Laura’s just not that pretty. This season of ANTM has been a trainwreck, and not even the fun kind. Someone needs to hurry up and put this show out of its misery already.
On an interview Victoria said the producers let her take the last two photos so she could go home. So…the production team just photoshopped them into the photoshoot background, and she went home.
http://www.youtube(dot)com/watch?v=9mnjJMLQQI4 (she talks about this at 7:26)
Can you guys imagine if Victoria was in the top 3 and her mom showed up in the middle of the photoshoot? That would of been a sight to see…Anyways I was shocked when Laura won. I thought AT LEAST Kiara would win since all the editing throughout the cycle made it kinda seem that way.
Hmm. So both major sponsors of the show turn out to be Kelly Cutone (cut one, get it? tee hee) clients — did she ever mention that earlier in the season? I think not. Something tells me the whole season was orchestrated around Cutone’s business agenda.
I don’t think Laura’s folks bought the season for her — I think Laura came as part of Cutone’s package deal.
What a bummer. Although I knew Laura would win because last week? someone on here posted, after we all said we did not want to see Laura win, that we would not be happy with the outcome.
Well duh. Of course I knew and I assume everyone, knew that Laura would win.
OMG. I was watching this with my 22 yr old daughter and she asked me, why is Tyra wearing that horrible make up. I don’t know dear.
How she was reading the auto cue, trying to smeize and her eyes were going from left to right. Obvious she was reading. must have been from a very big auto cue though,
First of all, Leila should not have been eliminated, she was only thanks to the judges giving her such low scores.
That was also done on purpose so she could be the come back kid.
Also at the photoshoot, laura had the best shoes and best outfit.
I am not sure if I can watch another season of this horrible show. Last one I liked was UK versus America, but then she (Tyra, was also trying to get the girls to use fake toosches? how ever you call it.
And what about her pot ledom? The woman has gone crazy!
Tyra Banks has lost what was left of her tiny little mind. What the hell was going on in this episode? The stupid haunted house gimmick where she “killed” her models, Kelly’s unprofessional fight with the photographer, dresses that blinded the girls on the runway, the ridiculous masks on the audience…it all got worse and worse. When she said, “…what fate beholds them…” I almost died: that doesn’t even make sense as a sentence! (I don’t think Tyra knows what “behold” means. Harvard education my ass.)
Selecting Laura as the winner was just the last nail in the crazy coffin. Setting aside the theories of Laura’s father buying the cycle or Kelly Cutrone running things, I’m amazed that someone didn’t realize what a horribly bad idea it was to make Laura ANTM. No one likes this girl. I followed only the recaps and so don’t know exactly how obnoxious she was, but I haven’t seen evidence that she has any fans. Even past “season bitches” like Renee, Lisa, Yaya and Melrose had their supporters. Then again, those girls had some modeling talent. I agree that if Laura’s family money hasn’t bought her a modeling career yet, this show won’t help.
One thing putting ANTM on their resumes may do for this cycle’s contestants: it will tell prospective employers that these girls are willing to do literally ANYTHING to model. PS: that’s not a good thing.
Alot of what Tyra said this episode didn’t make sense.
When they wrote pot ledom on that mirror and she said that the girls lost their mortal lives but were going to take to the runway to reclaim their mortal smizes, I was like well…it’s gonna be one of those nights.
lol Harvard better sue her for defamation.
Leila could not have won. It would not be fair to the other challengers. It’s just a way to make the younger audience think they have a say in something.
@merry Here’s the problem, and it’s been the problem the whole cycle – people were voting for girls based solely on the photos. They had no idea how the girls acted when they weren’t just flat-up posing for a camera. That’s why Kristin (or however you spell it) stayed around so long, people weren’t voting for her because they knew she was a mega-bitch, they were voting for her because they thought she was pretty and took decent photos. To be perfectly honest, part of me wonders if Tyra gave her that shower curtain thing for her head deliberately during her photo shoot so Kristen would screw up.
And honestly, the whole judging process was pretty much rigged to shit anyway. Judges would lowball a girl and Tyra would deliberately give a higher score to the girls she wanted to stay. They knew the social media numbers, and they knew what numbers they had to give to keep the girls around. The “social media” scores meant absolutely nothing in the end. That’s why Leila “went home” originally – they just wanted to fabricate a story for the cameras. It’s why Victoria and Kristin stayed around so long – they were giving the most “interesting” camera stories.
And in the end they ended up with three girls that had okay social media scores, so they figured anyone would like the winners. What they didn’t consider was how editing would make these girls look, and how the audience would react to it. They tried to give Laura a flattering cut, but it honestly didn’t work, and now people are angry that a girl who by all appearances was a total twat won the title.
ArghwhywhatthefuckwhywhyWHYstoppleasestopdeargodwhywontyoustopthisfuckery = Me during this episode.
Hey Tyra, good idea, let’s put the girl in unpractical dresses, high heels and make them walk a few flight of stairs ? While you were at it, why didn’t you add a few treadmills and giant pendulums ?
Hey guess how we are going to choose a winner this year ?
Hum, you look at the pictures and decides what is best for the client ? Nope we average the scores of every episode, even though the best girl has not been part of, I don’t know, half of them because of the producers’ intervention !
At least thanks to this episode I don’t feel sorry for that bitch Kelly Cutrone anymore… that’s a fucked up silver lining but I’ll take what I can get. And now we can pretty much lay to rest any discussion about the worst and/or udeserving ANTM winner.
What you all said!
I looked up the lyrics:
We were so in phase in our dance hall days
We were cool on craze.
Even I am surprised, totes thought it was Cool on Christ! hee . . .
Me thinks Liela should have worked on her walk on her own. I was surprised to see Kiera get so far, she’s a cool chick, but model . . . not so much! Good effort tho.
Laura, pffft, good luck, hunty!
Luscious, that screen grab was from Ru Paul’s Drag race, the match game episode.
I only didn’t hate the hauted house aspect. One day, I may do my \America’s Next Top Hooker\ animated doll series, and it will end in a haunted house (That’s right, Tyra, I thought of it first!) only, the winner will be the grrl who manages to survive . . .the rest, well, let’s just say they would be killed in a much more gruesome and exciting way . . . hee . . .
I saw the out take episode at the end, and I wish I could remember, but I was howling laughing at at least 3 different things. I think it was Kiera’s comments . . . Very rare for me to laugh at any of it, but then, I may have been a little easier of an audience at that point on a Friday . . . LOL!!!!
See ya next time, cuddly gasmi!
Ps.Kelly’s tone with that photographer was beyond!!! I’ve never heard her so snively and high pitched! Not a good career move, dear . . .
PPS. That second stairway had different sized steps than the first . . . handyman 101, here, so that was setting them up to fall from the get go!
Didn’t they used to teach these girls about modeling during the season? I’m sure they gave them instruction on how to walk — a little bit would have gone a long way with Leila, I’m sure.
Besides, she’s the only one who looks convincing as a model in her photographs. Shouldn’t that count for something? She even seems like a decent person, none of the whining (Kiara) or bitching (Laura) like the others.
There’s no way Laura and her butterface (and that clot of lard for a nose) can be considered modelesque at all.
Oh well. If this show made any sense, we wouldn’t even bother to watch it anymore.
Sorry, but a gap in the crooked teeth with a weirdly wide nose on a girl who is dumb as a doorpost doesn’t really make it as a model, either. The only “modelesque” thing about Leila is she’s built like a twig…but that girl is ugly, can’t walk, and is too stupid to ever be able to do any kind of commercial, so why WOULD she have won?
Laura, to me, was the lesser of the evils for the choice. This season was a complete mess.
Lucious, you and Hypnotoad deserve sainthood (or at least a few stiff drinks) for recapping this mess of a cycle. Every cycle I watch hoping it will get better, but I always leave just feeling sad.
It really says something when Kelly Cutrone is the most likeable of a group of people.
Leila should have won because she took the best photos. There’s a reason she was brought back — the fans voted based solely on her photos and had no other information on which to base their voting. She even seemed like the kind of girl who typically wins a cycle. That’s just my opinion, though. And her commercial wasn’t really awful, but none of the commercials were great, if you ask me.
But again, due to the low-budget and the lack of any kind of criticism, constructive or otherwise, none of these girls became “real” models and I highly doubt any of them will have a career in modeling. The only plus to this cycle was that the eliminated girls have a much larger portfolio than other eliminated girls of past cycles.
Any word on who’s coming back for next year? I’m sure that Rob will be back, even with his arrest warrant snafu. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kelly wasn’t around next time, though. And I sincerely hope that Tyra learned her lesson and fires both Johnny and BryanBoy.
Sophie looked gorgeous, though, and had a great walk. At least in her cycle they had plenty of runway time.
I dunno, Hypno, you don’t think Leila or Kiara could have a shot? Leila takes kick ass photos and Kiara is that tall, statuesque, look down their nose type that seem to do well with runway work.
Laura? Not a snowfall’s chance in Florida.
I think Leila could have a career, definitely. But I’m not 100% convinced that she’ll pursue modeling after the show. That’s the only reason I’d think that she wouldn’t do much. However, if she’s approached by a lot of people, she could do some very good things. I can see Kiara doing some HFM, Maxim, swimwear type stuff, but I’m not sure about anything else . . . And yeah, Laura will collect her prizes and be done.
Look what I found! I had to share.
http://popstyle.ew.com/2012/11/22/nigel-barker-talks-leaving-top-model-and-gives-us-a-sneak-peek-at-the-face-exclusive-video/
Please, please, please someone recap!!!