This is Luscious filling in on this week’s episode of ANTM. I’m so excited to be covering one of my favorite guilty pleasures. And I’m really grateful that the sexy beast that is Panda picked a week for vacay where no models have to pretend to act or sing.
I swear if Tyra knew how to dance, these poor girls would be out there clomping and flapping to some horrific choreography that included smizing and tooching.
I’m sure it would look a little something like this.
We better be careful what we talk about – Ms. Smizearoni might just take our suggestion and coin the term quadruple threat – that is, a hot lanky girl who can model, sing, dance and act. I shudder at the torture this could inflict on innocent young girls just looking for some affirmation that they are pretty.
Yeah. I know. Makes no sense based on the episode right? Well that’s because I wrote that bit above BEFORE the show actually aired. I envisioned getting a leg up on the whole thing and based on the previews, I figured I was going to be lucky enough to escape the “talents” of our models. Fuckin-A.
And I must say, I knew the girls were whiny, but I never realized how much they bitch about every little thing until I had to re-live it in a re-cap. Uy yi freaking yi. Sexy Panda is a national hero for putting up with this nonsense. No wonder she posts pics of her cats. In honor of her tradition and the fact that she’ll be posting vacay pics upon her return, here’s a picture of me selling some fine garbs.
Mongolian Super Models
Anyway, let’s get on with what REALLY happened.
We’re down to the top 5: 2 Americans vs. 3 Brits. The girls all return to the house after panel and Laura celebrates her Best Photo win. It’s her second time at the top.
No matter which way you look at it, Zagalicious is kicking butt.
A lot of time is spent hashing out how much Laura doesn’t like Eboni.
Good, I’m glad you don’t care. I don’t either. Let’s move on.
Eboni then starts talking about how well she has been doing and how much she has overcome. I am SO SICK of hearing her and Laura talk about their triumph over drunk and/or missing parents. I mean, I think it’s great that they beat the odds, but enough already. You are here now – focus on the present. Henceforth in this episode, anytime someone talks about their previous sob story, I shall bless them with a bad photo because I’ve the power.
Ba-um. B-B-Ba-um. Ba-um. B-B-Ba-um. I’ve got the power!
The girls are all eating together and Alicia is talking about how rotten she’s been doing recently.
“Bottom two doesn’t scare me.”
Remember those words.
Poor girl, she keeps patting her head in every scene. I guess her weave is still a little tight. We are treated to her opinion of her competition:
Sophie – good model but should have been in bottom two last week. Could totally be taken out in the real world.
Laura – should be a phone sex operator
Annaliese – should be a presenter
Eboni – not even worth discussing.
In any event, Alisha is frustrated and confused because she has the best legs and the best body. If she thinks that is enough to make her a model, it’s no wonder she’s been in the bottom two!
Tyra mail finally arrives and I’m ready for the show to actually be under way. The message reads: The World is your stage… Knock ‘em dead. The girls exclaim in excitement that it is an acting challenge. Crap! This is my first clue that I’m going to have to write about models pretending to be something they aren’t. I don’t understand why Tyra thinks her models have to be a threat in platforms other than modeling. It’s not America’s Next Top Model, Actress and Singer. Can you name any model who has crossed over successfully into the other two genres? Talk shows and reality hosting don’t count or we should just hand the title of ANTM to Annaliese right now.