ANTM – WTF Just Happened?

Recaps

By Luscious | Friday, May 11, 2012 | 1:11 pm | 14 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: America's Next Top Model, Recaps

Greetings Gasmii!

This is Luscious filling in on this week’s episode of ANTM. I’m so excited to be covering one of my favorite guilty pleasures. And I’m really grateful that the sexy beast that is Panda picked a week for vacay where no models have to pretend to act or sing.

I swear if Tyra knew how to dance, these poor girls would be out there clomping and flapping to some horrific choreography that included smizing and tooching.

I’m sure it would look a little something like this.

 We better be careful what we talk about – Ms. Smizearoni might just take our suggestion and coin the term quadruple threat – that is, a hot lanky girl who can model, sing, dance and act. I shudder at the torture this could inflict on innocent young girls just looking for some affirmation that they are pretty.

 

RETRACTION!!!!

Yeah. I know. Makes no sense based on the episode right? Well that’s because I wrote that bit above BEFORE the show actually aired. I envisioned getting a leg up on the whole thing and based on the previews, I figured I was going to be lucky enough to escape the “talents” of our models. Fuckin-A.

And I must say, I knew the girls were whiny, but I never realized how much they bitch about every little thing until I had to re-live it in a re-cap. Uy yi freaking yi. Sexy Panda is a national hero for putting up with this nonsense. No wonder she posts pics of her cats. In honor of her tradition and the fact that she’ll be posting vacay pics upon her return, here’s a picture of me selling some fine garbs.

 

Mongolian Super Models

 Anyway, let’s get on with what REALLY happened.

We’re down to the top 5: 2 Americans vs. 3 Brits.  The girls all return to the house after panel and Laura celebrates her Best Photo win. It’s her second time at the top.

 

No matter which way you look at it, Zagalicious is kicking butt.

A lot of time is spent hashing out how much Laura doesn’t like Eboni.

Good, I’m glad you don’t care. I don’t either. Let’s move on.

Eboni then starts talking about how well she has been doing and how much she has overcome. I am SO SICK of hearing her and Laura talk about their triumph over drunk and/or missing parents. I mean, I think it’s great that they beat the odds, but enough already. You are here now – focus on the present. Henceforth in this episode, anytime someone talks about their previous sob story, I shall bless them with a bad photo because I’ve the power.

Ba-um. B-B-Ba-um. Ba-um. B-B-Ba-um. I’ve got the power!

 The girls are all eating together and Alicia is talking about how rotten she’s been doing recently.

 

“Bottom two doesn’t scare me.”

Remember those words.

Poor girl, she keeps patting her head in every scene. I guess her weave is still a little tight. We are treated to her opinion of her competition:

Sophie – good model but should have been in bottom two last week. Could totally be taken out in the real world.
Laura – should be a phone sex operator
Annaliese – should be a presenter
Eboni – not even worth discussing.

In any event, Alisha is frustrated and confused because she has the best legs and the best body.  If she thinks that is enough to make her a model, it’s no wonder she’s been in the bottom two!

 Tyra mail finally arrives and I’m ready for the show to actually be under way. The message reads: The World is your stage… Knock ‘em dead. The girls exclaim in excitement that it is an acting challenge. Crap! This is my first clue that I’m going to have to write about models pretending to be something they aren’t. I don’t understand why Tyra thinks her models have to be a threat in platforms other than modeling. It’s not America’s Next Top Model, Actress and Singer. Can you name any model who has crossed over successfully into the other two genres? Talk shows and reality hosting don’t count or we should just hand the title of ANTM to Annaliese right now.

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Luscious
About

Luscious just got back from a one year backpacking trip around the world with her husband (TVgasm fill-in specialist, The Professor). She spends her days writing, knitting and sewing. She's only good at one of those hobbies, not saying which.  Her secret dream is to write romance novels and have critics say her brilliance is wasted on such a pointless genre. Also, she'd like to create a pair of pajamas for her niece where the sleeves actually work.

14 Comments

  1. 1
    Moli Moli
    Posted May 11, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    I swore Alisha was going to win this thing. I loved her how is it possible to have legs that long and beautiful. The woman was beautiful with a body to match! And lets not even talk about that gorgeous completion. I would want Annaliese to win but the judges are right she is a spokesperson/host. But, taking into consideration Tyra wants these girls to have something besides modeling to fall on…she would be a good choice. Thank bob that little snit Eboni is gone, she annoyed me.

  2. 2
    ANTM Fan
    Posted May 11, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Off the top of my head, I can only think of one model who launched successful singing and acting careers: Mark Wahlberg. There are plenty of models who became famous actresses, though (Cameron Diaz, Halle Berry, Candace Bergen, Brooke Shields, etc.).

  3. 3
    carol
    Posted May 11, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    I thought it was awesome that Tyra made both girls leave and didn’t let 30-never stay just because Legs wanted to leave. (Sorry, I can’t remember their names and now that the recaps are on multiple pages, I can’t scroll up to look).

    I don’t understand how girl-with-the-pink-hair’s hair keeps on changing from bright pink to white to light pink. When did they film the private interviews??

    I really dislike the judge that was also on The Hills, I think Kelly. She is always so bitter. The attitude she treats the girls with is almost like she is taking out a life time of jealousy against them. Also, Tyra and the other judges keep telling the girls things they need to learn and work on, should they be helping/teaching them these things? These are girls that are just trying to start in the industry. In earlier seasons the photo shoots all revolved around different aspects of modeling things you need to know (working your angles, make-up, etc). Now they just seem to be going for the weird and extreme.

  4. 4
    aliens.rock
    Posted May 11, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Why are the recaps on multiple pages? I thought that you decided to change the format a while ago, and it definietly worked better (single page)…anyhoo…
    I can give you 2 names of models becoming famous actresses: Cameron Diaz and Charlize Theron.
    I am sure it can happen. However, can you give me 1 name of famous MODEL who become famous because of ANTM??? It is a stupid show produced only to make Tyra and her sidekicks more marketable. The girls are just meat, puppets used for the show. They make some money, gain a little publicity, but at the end of the day, as evryone points out, where are those renowned Cover Girl commercials. I have never seen even one!!! It is BS…
    Honestly, I don’t even watch the show. I read the recaps to laugh at Tyra’s facial expressions. and to look at the kitty porn.Tyra thinks she is IT. Gurl, you ain’t all that and a bag of potato chips…

  5. 5
    Moli Moli
    Posted May 11, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    All the former model turned actor are male. While I have seen female model in movie and on television shows, they are usually horrible…i.e Tyra and Eva the Diva. But, never the less I think Grace Jones should have played Storm in the X-Men movie instead of short ugh Halle Berry.

  6. 6
    LooneyLioness LooneyLioness
    Posted May 11, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    Kelly is such a massive hater. @Luscious, loved your bad photos of the self-absorbed “Oh poor me’s”. Hehe.

  7. 7
    leslilly
    Posted May 12, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    I think Laura is going to win. Boo. She’s an odd one in the sense that she’s trashy & unattractive. Even gross, really (IMHO), but she photographs well.

    The challenge actually pissed me off because I thought Anneliese kicked ass.

  8. 8
    SexyPanda
    Posted May 13, 2012 at 6:53 am

    awesome recap!! Thanks so much! what an episode… I am going to miss Alisha! I am NOT going to miss Eboni!

    yesterday, I bought a tiny saddle and mini sombrero to put on the cats in their next photo shoot. They better smize and give me good angles, if they know what’s good for them. (i miss my babies so much!)

    See you next/this week!

  9. 9
    Jo
    Posted May 14, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Annelise from Cycle 11 (McKee won) is a successful actress…

  10. 10
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 9:20 am

    ^ She doesn’t count though because she was never a very good or commercially successful model.

  11. 11
    (J)ustPeachy
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    I just had to pause at “This time it happens for sure.” because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t read.
    You are cracking me up! Okay, back to reading.

  12. 12
    PopePhilly SweetRoisinDubh
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 9:52 am

    I’m going to defend Laura a bit. I think it’s unfair to say someone is “sleeping her way to the top” when she hasn’t, you know, actually slept with anyone.

    Saying you would sleep with a famous person is not the same as trying to seduce them. I want to sleep with Edward Norton. Quick! Someone tell me that I’m sleeping my way to fame!

  13. 13
    (J)ustPeachy
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 11:23 am

    I hate that Alicia/Alisha quit. She kept ending in bottom two but Tyra always saved her. I can’t believe she would just give up so close to the end. I am glad that Ebony/Eboni went home, as it was way past her time.

    Thank you so much for the recap! My stomach was hurting from laughing so much. I loved the photo captions, especially the rhyming ones.

    I can’t wait to see the photos from the kitty photo shoot.

  14. 14
    realhousewivesfan
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    thank god only 3 are left! if Tyra has UNSEEN footage next week i aint watching. i Hope Laura wins, if not i may just strike next season, FOR SURE if its another wierd edition,
    “ALL-STAR”
    “BRITISH INVASION”
    Give Us another real high fashion installment!!
    i liked the seasons when Ann and Brittany won.

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