Bachelor Pad Recap- Wonder Twin Power Fail

Uh oh, the twins are bickering. No wait, they’re hugging. Wait, their crying again.  Shhhh, they’re trying to talk it out… twin 1 says that twin 2 called her a slut and the other one says she would never have said it if she were sober. Or maybe they were talking about Schroedinger’s cat, we will probably never know.

Hugging or wrestling? You decide, we’re exhausted

 The next morning, Chris Harrison introduces the group to some very tiny gymnasts and tells them that rhythmic dancing is what they will be doing for their challenge. All the guys will perform a routine together in front of a panel of judges and likewise for the girls. The best guy and the best girl will get roses and the worst guy and the worst girl will get enemas. No, they won’t but that would be hilarious, just saying. The worst 2 will get automatic elimination votes.  

The guys are told to run like “little reindeer.” Even Santa would reject these guys. Next are front and back rolls. Ed immediately tries a backroll and cracks his head on the floor. Surely it’s going better for the girls.

No, it is not.

Erica Rose is wearing a tiny little sundress so rolling around on the floor is quite the show. She’s very worried about losing another challenge because she doesn’t think she can beg to stay another night and succeed. So when it’s time to stand up, she’s asked if she wants to learn the hula hoop routine and she says, “No.” Ok do you want to learn the ribbon dance? “No.” That’s some strategery right there folks.

Fan Donna has been doing gymnastics since she was little so she thinks she has this in the bag but is worried about Blakeley and Jamie as they are very graceful and might do really well. She desperately wants to win to be with Michael.

Fan David with the boys is taking this seriously because he doesn’t want to go home.

It’s time to get dressed for the show and just when the groups didn’t think it could get any worse.

Suck it up Erica, wait til you see what the boys are wearing

Hello, boys!

Needless to say the boys are not thrilled. Reid feels that his manhood is at stake. Reid, your manhood took a vacation when you agreed to be on a show called “The Bachelorette.” But whatever.

Time to meet the judges. Ashley and her soon to be ex fiance JP. You heard it here first, folks. Ok, not really but we give it 6 months. The third judge is Tasha Schwikert a former olympic gymnast. Now we LOVE the olympics but who the fuck is this chick? Was ABC contractually obligated to show an olympian there was no chance NBC would show a clip of? And she looks sooo happy to be there. Especially once the “dancing” started. Check the dictionary for “hot mess” and you will see this video. Erica Rose is literally just jumping in place. Most of the girls ribbons get immediately tangled together so they just run around in a circle. The guys can’t figure out what is happening so we can’t imagine what the judges are thinking.

It’s time for the boys to step up. And, wow, it’s not horrible! It’s in sync, it’s amusing and they look like they’re having fun.

Bad news first- the worst girl’s performance was Erica Rose. That’s really saying something here guys because we’ve seen pre-school productions that would get higher scores. The judges felt that Ed needed to smile more so he was the worst guy. Dancing with a hangover should have gotten him a few extra points.

 Blakeley wins for the women so she’s going on a “racy” date with 3 guys.  Michael has stepped up as a leader so he gets voted as the best and gets to go on a fun date with 3 of the girls.  He claims he is looking for love and really wants to get to know some of the girls to see if there is a spark. Blakeley just wants Chris and Chris just wants to win the money. Each winner gets to give one of the dates a rose to save them from elimination.

We now get to hear Fan Donna go on and on about how amazing it would be to go on a date with Michael. Apparently, she could ”literally get any guy she wants outside this house” but all she wants is Michael and he’s playing hard to get. However can she win him over?

Calling Dr Freud 

 Meanwhile, Erica Rose is lamenting her second challenge loss but is hopeful because Michael has promised to take her on the date and give her a rose. Michael announces that the date will be at a concert and he’s taking Rachel, Lindzi and…Donna. He’s in it for a love connection, apparently. Translation: he wants to get laid.

At the “concert” (who is this band? This is the best that ABC could do? Are all the good bands at the Olympics? Weren’t any of the American Idol rejects available?) Michael and Rachel really hit it off and spend a lot of time talking and connecting. Donna keeps talking about how amazed she is that she’s finally on a date with Michael and how it’s a dream come true. Does she realize that there are 2 other girls on the date? She’s ready for her make out session with Michael to show him how much she cares- we have to wonder what color is the sky in Donna’s world.

Back at the ranch, Ryan is going the extra mile to celebrate Jamie’s birthday. He thinks she is the perfect partner for him, both in the game and in life. He covers her pillow with twizzlers and balloons.  Do you think he believes he’s a virgin because he’s never had sex with a girl? He grabs Jamie and thinks she’s about to be dazzled but all she can think about is Chris. She’s already made out with him once so he must really like her but Blakeley ruined it and now Ryan is standing between her and her man. She’s done gone and brushed her teeth so she’s ready for the courtin.

Why the long face?

 Uh oh- Ryan drops the bomb that Chris told him that he’s staying with Blakeley as a partner. Jamie is stunned, she escapes Ryan to search for Chris…

Back to Donna and her date with Michael…oh and Rachel and Lindzi. She can’t understand why he’s taking so long with Rachel when she’s out there waiting. Finally it’s her turn and she wants to show Michael her drarwrings.

Great! They can give this to the police if Howie Long ever disappears

Donna gets to make out with Michael, her dream come true. It looked really gross. She’s kinda a skank. A scary skank. Rick James would have been frightened of this girl. We’d feel bad for Michael but he’s kinda a man whore, himself. Rick James would be proud.

Back at the house, Chris is getting Blakeley right where he wants her, if he actually wanted her, that is. Because she won the challenge, he feels she has too much power to piss her off. But Jamie has found him so he has to juggle her affection as well. He begs for a kiss and she coos and croons, “I can’t believe how much you like me.” Pardon us for a moment, it’s hard to type over the gag reflex. These ladies have their self-confidence limbo sticks set way too low.

Michael is ready to give out his rose and Donna has her hopes up really high but he gives it to Rachel and Donna is crushed. They better hide the knives back at the house…and hide all the rabbits, too.

Chris and Jamie are done making out so now he has to go schmooze Blakeley. And by schmooze, we mean get her into bed.

If we hide under the covers, no one can see us!

Jamie shares a bunk with Blakeley so she catches them. She isn’t sure if Chris is “being held hostage” or if he wants to be there. Yikes, ladies, how old are we? Your crush is in bed with another girl and you’re not sure what that means? Yeesh, we give up, you deserve what you get.

 Why the long face?

 Blakeley and her 3 guys are going on a “racy” date. She chooses Chris (no big shock), Ed (who looks truly shocked) and David (who’s shocked to tears). Blakeley told Chris she was going to pick David because he’s such a fan and it would be a nice memory for him. Chris can barely contain his hatred for David but continues to play Mr. Cool…for now.

They get to create their own Soap Box Derby car and then race them. Chris does something he thinks is clever but is totally forgettable, in fact, we’ve forgotten it. Ed, turns his into a pickle because by losing the challenge, it illustrates his position in the game.  David tries to turn his into a rose but it looked more like something bled all over it. Every rose has its thorn and he’s quite the thorn in Chris’s side. Chris and David are determined to come in first but Ed wins the race and gets a gold cup for his efforts.

The rose ceremony is happening at the pool and each of the guys get their chance to pledge their allegiance to Blakeley. David says if she gives him a rose, he will be her bitch for as long as he’s there. Chris lies out his ass and curses several times to prove his point. Blakeley tells him that she doesn’t believe him and she’s voting for him to leave…sigh…sadly no, she didn’t, she gives him the rose and he gloats for the camera.

Back at the house, there’s a party goin on! Everyone is d.r.u.n.k. So let the hook-ups begin! Sarah realizes that she might go to bed alone with some self-respect and can’t possibly let that happen so she grabs Ed, throws him into bed and does things to him that has him howling at the moon…literally.

“God Bless America” No, Ed, her name is Sarah 

 In another part of the house, the twins are trying to impress Nick and Tony by drunkenly bickering with each other. Nick and Tony can’t escape or look away from these identical train wrecks. We’d love to write out the entire argument but we had a hard time understanding most of it and ABC didn’t bother to caption any of it. The arguing goes on for hours and the other housemates are highly annoyed. Some try to intervene and talk reason to them but reason has left the building. One of the twins wants to leave as well but the other has hooked up with David so she wants to stay.

Who wouldn’t want to stay for this Prince Charming? 

 The twin who wants to leave wins and they pack their things and load up the van. The twin who hooked up with David tries to say good-bye but he never really woke up so her tearful good-bye and ABC’s dramatic music is totally wasted. And the twins bicker off into the sunset. We hope that ABC uses a date with the twins as a punishment for a challenge loser at some point. Epic TV.

It’s time for the rose ceremony and everyone seems on the same page that David will be going home, including David. The girls aren’t sure who it will be but Chris Harrison put them out of their misery- because the twins eliminated themselves, no other women will be going home. Michael and Chris have roses and are safe. Ed already has a vote for being the worst dancer.

All done, right? Not if Reid and Kalon have any say about it. Kalon and Lindzi are having a showmance so Kalon turned her into his personal minion. He finds Ryan annoying and wants him gone. Lindzi is all over it and gets several girls to vote for Ryan.  Kalon is pretty pleased with himself because he’s pulled off a coup and left no fingerprints. Which is saying a lot because he has gigantic hands!

These ain’t no ordinary jazz hands