Ryan says some weird shit to Emily and her friends like how she better not get fat, Emily doesn’t like this, I’m surprised, Ryan is trying to keep her in line andddd this commitment to a thin life style could rub off on Ricki, no?
The guys wrap up the date and join Emily at the only non-chain restaurant in Charlotte, Butter. Wait? Wasn’t that some place that they used to go on The Hills. Way to go Charlotte, I love a good shout out to 2006. Emily hangs with Sean first who her friends ADORED, Sean tells Emily he is selective about the women he picks. But he’s certainly liberal when it comes to hair gel. Emily seems to be a tad into him because hello he’s blonde too, and she can see her reflection in his face. CHRIS GET IN HERE AND INJECT MY LIPS AGAIN, THEY ARE DE-PUFFING!!! Emily then gets to know Doug a little better, Doug tells Emily and America that his mom walked out on their family when he was a baby and his Dad died when he was a kid. Emily gets an A+ in having awkward reactions because she does the whole OH MY GAWD, I never would have known because you are like one of the LEAST angry people I know! Like, congrats he doesn’t kill people? Meanwhile Tone Loc TONY with his fake son is crying his little eyes out missing his son and it’s, weird.
Remember I don’t even think this son exists. Seeing what Tony is going through Emily makes an executive decision, she tells Tony that she would only want him to stay is she really thought there was a future between them, which she doesn’t think there is, face it he’s not hot. So Emily tells Tony she is going to let him go, take note hoes, this was a sly break up.
Back at the fake mansion we find out that our favorite alive race cry driver Arie, who is baring a striking resemblance to Jamie Kennedy these days is going to get a one on one date with Emily. Em meets up with Arie and whisks him on a private plane to DOLLYWOOD. This is the most red state season the Bachelorette that I can recall. Surprisingly there is no one at the park, so either Dollywood SUCKS orrrrrr it’s 5 am and they got in before it opened, I’m going with the latter.
Emily and Arie go on some half assed roller coaster, and then walk over to the Dolly Pardon stage where Emily reveals she’s a Dolly fan, more than likely in a 1998 episode of MTV’S Fanatic kinda way. Emily sits down on the stage and insists that she and Arie write a song, god damn it, who is making up these shitty ass dates. What straight man wants to sit down and pen a song in Dollywood? If a dude told me he wanted to do that I would throw myself in front of that damn train in Dollywood. But since every date requires that someone sing a country song the big reveal is Dolly herself is waiting in the wings to surprise! Emily is shocked, but haven’t we seen the date formula here at Bachelorette, it’s a country concert or it’s note a date!
Dolly sings for Emily and even checks in for some girl talk, Emily is appropriately silent and boring because she isn’t bringing much to any relationship, day at an amusement park, or parenting. The date wraps up with dinner in some cracked out Dollywood Barn. Emily decides to give Arie a rose because she likes him and he reminds her of her ex fiance, do all race car drivers seem the same to you Emily? Stop haphazardly handing out roses bitch. Also they made out on a merry go round, it was weird.
It’s elimination time bitches so Emily hangs with the guys at the fire pit and talks to a few of them. Kallon and Emily chat and we are re-inforced that Kallon is a piece of shit, and has recently learned the wonders of a good old fashioned spray tan. Kallon is annoyed that he didn’t get a one on one date this week and before Emily’s dumb ass can ask him for the 392482034 time if he wants to be a father he gives her a, shut up and let me finish, because I will parent your kid. Emily is turned off, but not turned off enough to stand up for herself.