Bachelorette: Dollywood, Lightning, and Gypsies, OH MY!

43 Comments

1. 1
   itchy
   Posted May 30, 2012 at 1:05 pm

   The overbearing douchebag (Ryan?) looks too much like a GI Joe doll from the disco ’70s for me to take him seriously. Especially with the carefully trimmed fuzz beard. At least the show’s starting to make fun of him too. Next week should be fun. What a tool.

   Even though Emily pretty much let the cat out of the bag this week — she likes tall, skinny, funny. Which means all of those uber-serious musclebound meathead jesus freaks don’t stand a chance. Which seems like 90 percent of the guys who are still there.

   And given the way she was practically fucking one of the only tall, skinny guys left (the other being Kalon), and this tall, skinny guy also happens to be a race car driver, I think we can pretty much guess how this season is going to go.

   Sigh. Just when it was starting to get interesting. Well, the real question is : does she get down for the Fantasy Suite? I’m guessing it’s yes for one of them (tall, skinny guy) and the jesus freaks will decline the offer.

2. 2
   notwithoutmytv
   Posted May 30, 2012 at 1:56 pm

   Why, Itchy, you disgusting perv!

   Emily is not like that. She is a mom! She has to be a moral example to her daughter! Emily is a single mom! There’s no father to help little Ricki learn right from wrong! Emily can’t hump four guys in four hotel rooms in four successive nights! What would Ricki think! Emily is a mom! Ricki must be protected! Being a mom is a big responsibility for Emily! Emily is a mom!

   “Here, play with these kids to prove to me you’ve got mad parenting skillz.” How about you and those pneumatic ta-tas and prove to me you have mad wifely duty skillz, Emily.

3. 3
   kthxbai
   Posted May 30, 2012 at 1:57 pm

   @ToughIssues ROFL @ the AFLAC duck! They really are getting massive!

   Not that this matters much. Because Alessandro had big red flags all over him even if it wasn’t The Bachelorette.

   But I went back and watched that whole conversation again a couple of times. And my theory is that he’s 1 of those people that’s got more pronunciation than vocabulary words in some of their languages.

   I also don’t think he’s been used to talking about commitments much in his real life.

   Because in Spanish and Portugues compromiso = commitment. Portugues might put another s in it. But still.

   Which is how come if you go back and look when Emily said all horrified so you think Ricki is a compromise? His face and eyes went all surprised and duh! for a second.

   So now we know Emily hasn’t got a scrap of Spanish. Because if she did she’d have figured that out. Even if she didn’t have any Portugues. Because it’s like 1 of the main confusing things they’d teach her even if she just took a class. Like embarazada = pregnant. Not embarrassed.

   To keep people from saying they’re pregnant by accident while they’re trying to explain how embarrassed it makes them to practice their school class Spanish.

   I do NOT mean I think Alessandro was serious about making a commitment. He was just saying those same lame lines they all do. Except he got nervous and messed up the words.

   If it’s even something that’s in his mind much in any language.

4. 4
   itchy
   Posted May 30, 2012 at 2:14 pm

   I just figured she was disgusted by the grease literally dripping off Alessssandroo’s hair. But didn’t he go out of his way to explain that yes, he did indeed mean’ compromise’?

   Oh, and I may be a perv, but I’m not disgusting. Well, not completely disgusting. I just figure anyone who invests in funbags and fish lips (probably a heap of botox in there) is always down to take the equipment on a test run. Regardless if there’s a little one at home.

   Also, did anyone else notice the long-haired guy? Was he on the show before, or did he suddenly turn up this episode? Or maybe he’s a ghost, since he doesn’t actually speak? And who the fuck is Nate? Who calls themselves Nate?

5. 5
   kthxbai
   Posted May 30, 2012 at 2:41 pm

   @itchy I think he thought he was. But he was thinking it meant compromiso. He even gave an example. Talking about he’d have to tell his work, I can’t travel, because I have a family, I have this compromise.

   If you go through and put commitment it’ll be the same thing they all say. And also what somebody would say who meant to say compromiso. If you put the rest of the sentence in either Spanish or Portugues.

   If he knew his vocabulary words right and really meant compromise in English like she thought, he’d probably have called it making a concession. Or even a sacrifice.

   I’m sorry I suck so bad at explaining this but somebody else will do better and then it’ll make more sense.

6. 6
   itchy
   Posted May 30, 2012 at 10:55 pm

   I think you’re right, but I also think he was convinced that he had the right word, he was pretty smug about that part, which made it all the more fun. Shame he got kicked off.

   We still have gay Jef and Kalon (stupidest name ever) to entertain us. And GI Joe guy. And earnest bible-thumper guy.

7. 7
   MrsMiaWallace
   Posted May 30, 2012 at 11:11 pm

   @kthxbai – I was going to post that word mixup if you hadn’t-he totally got confused BUT he is right in that all relationships are compromises too and Emily needs to get the I’mamommy stick out of her ass.

   APPARENTLY theres a blog or some such out there saying Alessandro took her into the woods where he built a weird shrine with crosses everywhere and told her he was a vampire detective and there was one in the house! So that and cousin mating and cheating are all good enough reasons to go.

   My theory on this crapfest series is that ABC wants to keep from being VH1 or Fox so bad they have whitewashed (literally and figuratively) all the characters to a Disneyth degree. Everyone has to be either 1)the goodhearted hero 2) the evil plotter or 3)tragic sob story. Even to the extent that they sacrifice drama and interesting tv to keep the weird and unsettling off air.

   Yawns! Great recap however, the snark is with you and making the show worth keeping up with!

8. 8
   MrsMiaWallace
   Posted May 30, 2012 at 11:13 pm

   Oh and thanks too for always pointing out how little Emily seems to want to do with Ricki! I lol’d when she was consoling Tony and caught herself while she was saying “some days I missed Rick—I mean I missed her every day”. I have a feeling she left a case of slimfast in the kitchen and never looked back while she was on Brad’s season.

9. 9
   itchy
   Posted May 31, 2012 at 12:14 am

   Another thought: it figures Emily’s hero is Dolly Parton considering her own chest seems to get bigger with every episode.

10. 10
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Tell me there’s anything creepier than sitting in a huge empty venue trying to fake love with a total stranger and being sung at by some off-puttingly earnest entertainer…

    I mean, besides any time Chris Harrison smiles. ‘Cause that’s always a maximum creepfest.

11. 11
    carla aquino
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    I don’t like the way you write these bachelorette recap articles, I think you try so hard to be funny and sarcastic but it just comes off as stupid and bitchy. From the comments about it being a fake mansion to her having friends supposedly 15 years older, to the comments about Tony’s son being fake, hello did you not see the part in the episode where he was talking to his son on the phone and we could hear his voice? and you don’t know how old emily’s friends are and that mansion is not a mirage, it’s a real mansion, so why do you call it fake?. you are just such a stupid writer, please find another job, or re-evaluate the way you write these articles, because i’m sure someone else can do a better job at being funny.

12. 12
    melange
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Ryan Seacrest and Chris Harrison rival each other for creepy smiles. Ryan wins because he gets that big zoom-in close-up at the beginning of AI. *shivers*

    The bit with Emily’s drunk friends was amusing, I guess, but what if this was The Bachelor and the genders were reversed? Can you imagine: “Do some jumping jacks for us” or “Show us some dancing”? Yuck.

    I think by the time the Bachelor/ette says “I can honestly say I see my future wife/husband in this room,” s/he’s already picked out #1 (and a backup, probably). Everyone else is just filler.

    For example: it’s clear Kalon is being set up by the producers for a big smackdown of schadenfreude. Let him look smug for a few rose ceremonies, stir up some “villain” drama in the house, and then cut him when he’s feeling the most entitled to victory.

13. 13
    ToughIssues
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    Hey guys thanks for the love! As for you Carla, enough people seem to find it funny, it’s for fun! But if you aren’t feeling it don’t read it!

14. 14
    carla aquino
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    I don’t want to read your articles specifically, but unfortunately you’re the only one doing the bachelorette recaps right now and those are the recaps I came onto this website for. I remember another writer who previously did such a great job on past seasons, her name was Honey or something like that, you should take an example from her so you can learn the difference between what is funny and what is nonsense.

15. 15
    ToughIssues
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    In the words of Arsenio Hall, this my show, if you don’t like it get your own show. I’m having fun on here but my sense of humor isn’t for everyone and obviously not for you, sorry to say but recaps wontbe changing format! I guess read at your own risk haha night Carla!

16. 16
    Pikey
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    Carla: The bulk of us reading these recaps do find the recapper funny so you are more than welcome to go elsewhere…

    As for the episode, Ari is definitely a frontrunner – those kisses were hot! I foresee him, Sean and possibly Doug as the final three. How she handles the overnight dates will be very interesting.

17. 17
    tommy girl
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    ToughIssues does a grand job writing about this dumb show – let it be! It’s a creepy show, we love it and want (and get) snark! Anyone going on this show deserves full scrutiny.

    What’s with the Jef love? We never see any footage, he looks like a clown and is boring? Anyone?

18. 18
    lilly
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    I loved the recap, and will definitely read them rather than taking the 2 hours to watch the episodes each week… way better!

    Carla, you need to not be so rude. I’d like to see you write better recaps about this predictable, Disney-ed up show. My guess is that nobody would read them…

19. 19
    kthxbai
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    @carla aquino This is 1 of the most recapped and written about shows on the internet! So if you could only find 1 place to read about it maybe it’s a problem between your browser and Google?

    If you can get to the People web page Emily’s even got her own blog on there!

    @ToughIssues I’m still ROFLing at the AFLAC duck. I can see a future of me reading your recaps. Because I know the process works. And I’m here for the right reasons. @}-,-`-.

20. 20
    carla aquino
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    I probably can do a better job, my English is way better than the way she writes it. Also, @ToughIssues, you never answered my questions in comment number 11, maybe because you have nothing to back up those things you said. The rest of you who like this must be at a middle school reading level because of course you’d like mean girl trash talk, which is exactly what ToughIssues is doing. Especially while speaking of Ricki going on a diet, I mean she’s just a child, why are you targeting her anyway? It’s not comedic in any way. You’re just having a hard time accepting that sometimes people are going to disagree with you and will not like what you write. Someone said this show deserves scrutiny because of the nature of the show, well this article deserves scrutiny because it is also written for the public eye. You’re entitled to your opinion, but I am also entitled to mine. To the person who called me rude, did you read this whole article? go back and read it and you can re-evaluate who is rude. This article is rude. I’m not having a hard time googling other article recaps, this used to be my go-to place for recaps, if that answers your question @kthxbai. Like I’m gonna keep mentioning, there’s a difference between being funny/tasteful and being bitchy/nonsensical.

21. 21
    kthxbai
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    @carla aquino I’m kind of new so I don’t know about what used to be. But ever since I’ve been here 1 thing all the recaps have in common is being funny. And having fun making fun of everything and everybody that comes up on the screen. Which is a big part of my regular life. But then if I got called bitchy and nonsensical I’d think it was a compliment.

    So everybody’s different. From what you’ve said I really think you’d like Emily’s People blog a lot! I’ve seen comments there from people saying how much they enjoy Emily’s sense of humor.

    ABC’s got a whole official section about the show. Where the fans can be sure they’re getting the real story right from the source. And very respectful.

22. 22
    itchy
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    Carla, personal insults are right out. If you can’t express yourself without insulting recappers or commenters, please don’t. There are plenty of other web sites doing the recap thing, after all. Even places for you to write your own recaps.

    TVGasm exists to make fun of these ridiculous reality shows we are all ridiculously addicted to. It’s not a place for people to be nasty to each other (unless, of course, you’re one of the famewhores on one of these shows, in which case, you’re fair game).

    The fact that people here are, in general, quite friendly with each other –even when we disagree– is one of the things that makes TVGasm great. Please don’t poison that.

23. 23
    polk8dot
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 11:32 pm

    @carla:
    ‘I probably can do a better job, my English is way better than the way she writes it.’ — Yeah, and Alessandro thought that he had perfect command of the English language, too and look where it got him. Keep the delusion going, though, if it makes you feel better.
    @ ‘there’s a difference between being funny/tasteful and being bitchy/nonsensical.’ – Yep, and there is a difference between giving a constructive critique vs. calling someone stupid and their writing bitchy.
    Sorry to have to break it to you but your English is pretty basic and limited, and apparently seriously lacking in the snark/fun/sarcasm category. I’m affraid that in order to be able to fully understand and appreciae the recaps and comments on this blog, you’d have to remove that stick from up your backside, that makes you seem as uptight and a buzz-kill as our glorious duck-billed St. Mother Emily.

    Your missive, incidentally, also shed a light on what seems to be the most limiting characteristic of your personality: the overwhelming stench of the all-pervading need to control, approve/disapprove, and admonish others, while demanding unquestioning acceptance for your own issues and views.
    Where do you get off, coming to a site that has become known over the years for its snark, sarcasm and fun-filled debates and recaps, verbally kick the recapper and by extension all the commenters and readers in the face, pee on our cake, and then expect and demand a ‘thank you’?
    THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY!!!!! The gall of jerks who single-handedly try to enact and enforce the controls they perceive as ‘necessary’ and ‘for the greater good of others’ REALLY chops my hide!!!
    ENOUGH WITH TINY MINORITIES FU@KING IT UP FOR ALL THE REST!
    DON’T LIKE IT HERE – GET FRICKING LOST!

    There is always one A-hole a season that comes up with a communist bullshit like this and insists that we all need to change to not offend his/her sensibilities! Or maybe it is just you, over and over, year after year. You sound like you have trouble getting a hint. So here it is in plain English – you do not like this board, GET THE FU@K OFF IT!

    Now I need to mellow out – I’m going to find me a puppy to kick or a kid to send into traffic.
    .

24. 24
    polk8dot
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 11:35 pm

    @kthxbai
    ‘I’ve seen comments there from people saying how much they enjoy Emily’s sense of humor’

    Bwahahahahahahah!!! ROTFL!! Absolutely priceless

25. 25
    polk8dot
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 11:48 pm

    @ itchy
    ‘The fact that people here are, in general, quite friendly with each other –even when we disagree’

    Exactly! I’m glad I was around to conveniently illustrate your point to Carla ;-b)

26. 26
    itchy
    Posted June 1, 2012 at 12:25 am

    Just remember, polk8dot: Duck and Cover. ;-D

27. 27
    beebs
    Posted June 1, 2012 at 5:14 am

    Carla, I don’t understand how you can think that you CAN write better recaps, when you can’t even write a totally coherent comment. Your responses are full of run-on sentences and fragments. Gah! I can barely read them without taking a red pen to my screen.

    See this paragraph break? A paragraph break is used when a completely new topic is introduced. Your return key on your keyboard is to the right of the the comma key. Learn where both of them are and use them. When you’ve done that, then you can come back and critique somebody else’s writing.

    By the way, if you’re looking for OTHER sites that recap the Bachelorette, I’ve got about 15 of them bookmarked in my favorites folder. You’re not looking hard enough.

28. 28
    ToughIssues
    Posted June 1, 2012 at 5:21 am

    Hey friends! Thanks for making me crack up at your comments this morning, as you have all so nicely put it, we aren’t here to make friends, we’re here to take some cheap shots at nationally televised tv show!

    @Carla, because you seem set on getting your questions answered from comment number 11 I’m happy to answer!
    1. I call it a fake mansion because you don’t actually see much of the inside, you see ariel views of it and the back yard. I’m fairly sure it is a real mansion, but it’s fun to imagine that it’s some back drop that ABC has created.

    2. I call Tony’s son fake because if you have seen episode 1 you would have seen a BIG segment with Doug and his son, then Tony rolls up and says, I have a kid too. I was suspicious! How do we know that kid on the phone wasn’t some impressionable child he was paying to moonlight as his son? Much like the mansion I’m sure he has a son but in my twisted mind Tony created a fake son to win Emily over, it’s funny to me!

    3. I called Emily’s friends 15 years older than her because they are! Emily was 20 when she had Ricki. If you listened closely to the second episode you would here her say that these women were Ricki’s friends mothers, and clearly they aren’t 26. Emily is a young mom, and these other women are obviously more in their early 40′s. There is nothing wrong with this, it’s just an observation

    My grammar and sentence structure can be a bit off, mostly because I sneak these in on my lunch break at work, so occasionally I go back and re read and say, CRAP! typo! But it usually doesn’t change the tone of the writing too much.

    Finally, I went and read a recap of the Bachelor from the author you liked, and hers are more of simple re-caps then re-caps with observations. Perhaps you aren’t that familiar with some of the other work on this site, but I think you would find it similar to what I’m doing. I think you might be more suited for the blog on People.com that a few others posted about. As for calling me stupid and a bitch, I’m not stupid, I’m actually a fairly smart little lady, but yes, in my writing I have a bitchy undertone. I’m actually a lovely person in real life, I just have quick wit, most people seem to like it! Writing things like this is a way of putting yourself out there so you are going to get some people who don’t love it. I suggest you try writing some of your own re-caps, it’s tough and rewarding, perhaps you’ll have a fresh perspective! In the mean time I feel I have addressed your issues, and not had to sink to your level of insulting, so please, if you can’t take the heat stay away from the TOUGH ISSUES!

29. 29
    snowshoecat
    Posted June 1, 2012 at 6:47 am

    What fun! Here we were, all playing nicely (at Emily’s fame-shoring expense) and along came the playground bully to kick sand at us, verbally, of course.

    Here we are, all of us at a seventh grade reading level. Carla, Carla, Carla. If you have read this site for any length of time you would realize that this is one of the most literate groups of posters/commenters on the ‘net. ‘kay, sometimes we lose our tempers when pressed, but notice the overall tone. We are universally polite, even in disagreeing, which is the hallmark of an educated person. We do not usually resort to name-calling and other forms of invective, the hallmarks of a less educated or even ignorant (in the sense of not being familiar with a subject) person.

    I have probably made quite a few typos. I can’t go back and proofread, doggone it! But you get my drift.

    One final word:

    Tee. Arr. Oh. El. El.

30. 30
    FuriousFlipper
    Posted June 1, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Very decent of you to address Carla’s concerns, ToughIssues. And you know? I get the feeling that she has no idea what this site is really about at all. I think that she takes The Bachelorette seriously, so, well, this is the wrong site for her. I do remember reading the previous recapper for the show and, frankly, it was much too nicey-nice for me.

    Love the writing. Totally dig imagining the fake mansion. And I’m with you on your comical instincts about the fairy tale kid….Okay, it is funny, especially since it his plan may have backfired on him when she sent him home. Opps.

31. 31
    Carla Aquino
    Posted June 1, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Hey, this last comment is not an attack. Maybe I am not the best at expressing what I think, but let me clarify that I did not mean to attack you personally, I attacked the style of writing. I have nothing against you ToughIssues, I’m actually not a bitch either. I’m a nice girl, I guess I had different expectations that did not match others’. Anyway, we are all adults here, no more need to get worked up, it’s the Internet. I’m not a troll by any means, was just simply stating out my opinion as you are too. No hard feelings, and maybe I will read your next post with new eyes and a different understanding since it was made to be “snarky” as you say. I don’t want this to get so out of hand, we’re all human, we all react differently.

32. 32
    itchy
    Posted June 2, 2012 at 3:05 am

    Weclome to the dark side, Carla.

33. 33
    Lauren
    Posted June 2, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    I feel that Kallon shouldn’t be there. He just really rubs me the wrong way. I can’t remember most of their names. But Arie is a really good for her, I think.

34. 34
    Lauren
    Posted June 2, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Oh and you hear Tony’s son’s voice, so to say he doesn’t exist is rude and he wouldn’t be crying over an imaginary son.

35. 35
    itchy
    Posted June 3, 2012 at 9:49 am

    I feel you’re misunderstanding the humor being the ‘invisible son’ gag. Yes, the kid may indeed exist. But the way the guy was whining, it sounded more like they wouldn’t let him bring along his blankey on vacation.

36. 36
    itchy
    Posted June 3, 2012 at 10:05 am

    Behind, not being.

    I used to feel like the invisible son. It’s not the same joke.

37. 37
    joye
    Posted June 4, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Uh…I don’t waste my time on simple recaps. I mean, I saw it, right? So why do I need someone to tell me what I saw? I come here to mock and to scorn and to enjoy the snarkiness. I live right next to Charlotte, so I watch to see places I recognize (“Look! Freedom Park! We used to take our kids there so they could be chased by the vicious ducks!”) But mainly I want to see someone blast idjit Kallon (whose mother must have been reading way too many baby name books) and agree with me that Arie is hot stuff. It’s entertainment, Carla!

38. 38
    Carla Aquino
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Omg @Joye, read my comment, it’s number 31, I already called a truce, why are you still on this? You’re kinda late.

39. 39
    bitchristine
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Now Carla, I am a bitch as it’s part of my name. Get on board with the snark, that’s what it is *ALL* about.

    The show, The Bachelorette is nonsensical; the recapper is “sensical”. If you can grasp that concept, stay and enjoy.

    If you still don’t get it go back to your Pollyanna life and don’t come round here no more no more no more no more.

40. 40
    joye
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    Carla, my comment had nothing to do with your War of Words. I was just…..commenting! Can understand why you are a little sensitive, but read it again…not directed at you. The only one who should be insulted is Kallon.

41. 41
    joye
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Carla, my comment had nothing to do with your War of Words. I was just…..commenting! Can understand why you are a little sensitive, but read it again…not directed at you. The only one who should be insulted is Kallen.

42. 42
    joye
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Carla, I just took my advice and re-read my comment. I guess I WAS aiming it at you….sorry. Also, can’t settle on a spelling of Kallen/Kallon, but refuse to apologize to him.

43. 43
    See-Jay
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 11:49 pm

    Uh… they showed Tony’s son in the first episode.