It’s week two on The Bachelorette for America’s favorite sorta widow. As previously stated, I want to see some proof that Emily was engaged to that race car driver prior to the plane crash. Hell, show me the plane crash. Charlotte is all abuzz with the excitement that their very own Emily Maynard is allegedly filming in their town, and I think this is some clear foreshadowing for this episode from the producers. These guys are a regular bunch of Fitzgeralds, and their contribution is already replacing many 10th grade girls summer reading list. Well played.
Emily checks in with us in her non evening attire in a park, where she is meeting up with some of Ricki’s friend’s mothers. Aw, poor Emily! She can’t even make her own friends. Save your sympathy, because she clearly relishes the fact that she is the hottest of all these women. Obviously this is because she is about 15-20 years younger than them, but whatever. She watches Ricki attempt to land a cartwheel for a few minutes. Gymnastics is obviously not her thing, nor is having a father figure. BURN.
We meet up with Chris at the mansion where he reads the guys the “rules” for the dates. You will either be going on group dates, or one on one dates, but not so fast, you must pack your bags because you can be sent home at any time during these dates. But not so fast because you can also receive the coveted immunity rose, and be safe from elimination. As one of the faceless guys with a $22 haircut says, “This just got real”. How hard do you think this guys friends are laughing 4 beers deep when they are watching this and they hear him say things like, this just got real. Doug reads the card only to reveal that Ryan has won the coveted one on one date.
Emily tells us she doesn’t know much about Ryan, and that’s why she chose him, well that seems about right, considering you met him 24 hours ago and then went to the park to watch your daughter practice her shitty roundoff. Emily picks up Ryan at the McMansion and takes him in her SUV for a day of errand running! Emily asks him to unload the groceries, which appear to be a plethora of fruits and veggies, that Ricki isn’t getting any skinnier. And informs him that she’s snack mom today for her daughter’s soccer team so it’s time to do the whitest impression of Down Home With Neelys. Emily and Ryan whip up some cookies and bring them to Ricki’s soccer game where Emily tells him that he will have to wait in the car because she’s very protective of Ricki, you know that’s why she puts her on that nationally broadcast television show. Ryan watches the soccer field from the passenger seat and now we know him better because he might be a child molester.
Emily is back in the car where she has stolen some juice boxes for their level 3 sex offender pleasure. I can comfortably say that those were probably Ricki’s juice boxes that Emily snatched away, with a side eye and a,” Don’t you think you’ve had enough sugar for one day?”, that’s what happens when you’re mom is a broke ass Barbie hooking for the mortgage payments on network television.
Enough high fructose corn syrup it’s time for the night time portion of our date! Emily thanks Ryan for going along with her loser date and drops him off to get ready for a night out in Charlotte, which has Lerone showed us last week involves picking up women in the Hudson Newstand at the Charlotte Airport. Emily pulls up in some loaner car and hands Ryan the keys, this is a DUI waiting to happen. As they pull up to their date they are greeted by all the Charlotte locals who have lined up to catch a glimpse of their local celebrity.