Bachelorette Recap: Tick Tock, Love Clock

The Bachelorette

By ToughIssues | Tuesday, May 22, 2012 | 2:00 pm | 13 Comments
Posted in: Recaps, The Bachelorette

It’s week two on The Bachelorette for America’s favorite sorta widow. As previously stated, I want to see some proof that Emily was engaged to that race car driver prior to the plane crash. Hell, show me the plane crash. Charlotte is all abuzz with the excitement that their very own Emily Maynard is allegedly filming in their town, and I think this is some clear foreshadowing for this episode from the producers. These guys are a regular bunch of Fitzgeralds, and their contribution is already replacing many 10th grade girls summer reading list. Well played. 

Emily checks in with us in her non evening attire in a park, where she is meeting up with some of Ricki’s friend’s mothers. Aw, poor Emily! She can’t even make her own friends. Save your sympathy, because she clearly relishes the fact that she is the hottest of all these women. Obviously this is because she is about 15-20 years younger than them, but whatever. She watches Ricki attempt to land a cartwheel for a few minutes. Gymnastics is obviously not her thing, nor is having a father figure. BURN. 

We meet up with Chris at the mansion where he reads the guys the “rules” for the dates. You will either be going on group dates, or one on one dates, but not so fast, you must pack your bags because you can be sent home at any time during these dates. But not so fast because you can also receive the coveted immunity rose, and be safe from elimination. As one of the faceless guys with a $22 haircut says, “This just got real”. How hard do you think this guys friends are laughing 4 beers deep when they are watching this and they hear him say things like, this just got real. Doug reads the card only to reveal that Ryan has won the coveted one on one date.

Emily tells us she doesn’t know much about Ryan, and that’s why she chose him, well that seems about right, considering you met him 24 hours ago and then went to the park to watch your daughter practice her shitty roundoff. Emily picks up Ryan at the McMansion and takes him in her SUV for a day of errand running! Emily asks him to unload the groceries, which appear to be a plethora of fruits and veggies, that Ricki isn’t getting any skinnier. And informs him that she’s snack mom today for her daughter’s soccer team so it’s time to do the whitest impression of Down Home With Neelys. Emily and Ryan whip up some cookies and bring them to Ricki’s soccer game where Emily tells him that he will have to wait in the car because she’s very protective of Ricki, you know that’s why she puts her on that nationally broadcast television show. Ryan watches the soccer field from the passenger seat and now we know him better because he might be a child molester.

Emily is back in the car where she has stolen some juice boxes for their level 3 sex offender pleasure. I can comfortably say that those were probably Ricki’s juice boxes that Emily snatched away, with a side eye and a,” Don’t you think you’ve had enough sugar for one day?”, that’s what happens when you’re mom is a broke ass Barbie hooking for the mortgage payments on network television.  

Enough high fructose corn syrup it’s time for the night time portion of our date! Emily thanks Ryan for going along with her loser date and drops him off to get ready for a night out in Charlotte, which has Lerone showed us last week involves picking up women in the Hudson Newstand at the Charlotte Airport. Emily pulls up in some loaner car and hands Ryan the keys, this is a DUI waiting to happen. As they pull up to their date they are greeted by all the Charlotte locals who have lined up to catch a glimpse of their local celebrity.

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13 Comments

  1. 1
    TV Junkie
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    What a snooze fest this one is..I started to fall alseep ..then remembered Bethany was on so I switched channels after.. the first make cookies and go out dining and dancing date..I just could not make it through the group date…Emily is very pretty..like a plastic Barbie doll..looks 35 not 26..and poor Ricki being dragged through the dirt on the soccer field and on reality TV.shame on NBC and Emily for showing this small child and exposing her to the crap and I do mean crap she is going to have to put up with. When I found out that Ricki will be also on the show I lost all respect for Emily…she isn’t too swift…in fact I think all the hair bleach and beauty products have gone to her brain, because she certanily is not protecting her daughter! I am very dissapointed with the entire show and after last night will be watching anything BUT this show…heck I may have to talk to my husband or take up reading again..Also I get the sneaking feeling..spoiler alert hert here..that Em will pick Chris Harrison!

  2. 2
    TV Junkie
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    PS ~Sorry for all the typing mistakes above…

  3. 3
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Jef needs to go back to selling bottles for people to put gay Mormon water in.

    Because on her People blog she makes it sound like she felt sorry for him.

    I’m kind of skeeved by how much they’re showing Ricki too. I guess it’s so we’ll think they stayed in Charlotte most of the time. But according to their news they were there a little over a week.

    Which isn’t as bad as it sounds. It’s not like Ricki didn’t already have a nanny before Emily ever signed up for Brad’s season.

    @TV Junkie Yes I’m also hoping for the most shocking After The Final Rose in Bachelor History!

    Unless, wait. Does Hugh Hefner watch this show?

  4. 4
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 5:00 am

    Ricki Who Must Be Protected: Mommy, who are all those strange guys we’re singing “Rainbow Connection” too?

    Emily: One of them is going to be your new Daddy!! Well, for about six weeks. Mostly in the tabloids. You won’t really even have to see him. Then it will all be over except for spending the money. You know, what? Those guys are really just men mommy works with.

    Ricki: Why are all those work men staring at your chest?

  5. 5
    polk8dot
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 7:07 am

    I CAN’T STAND Emily’s totally expressionless features! How much fricking Botox did she get? Ridiculous. On the other hand, it prevents her from fully expressing the disappointment and displeasure with her daughter, so maybe it’s better this way. Her face, when she looks at or talks to Ricky, is so almost unpleasant, like she smelled something bad. Woman, we all have disappointments in life; your kid took after her dad not you, oh well, get over it. At least she’s still working out great as your backup retirement plan (since the original one got himself killed). That mansion you live in, the food, the car – none of it would be forthcoming if Ricky was not around, so keep putting a good face on, and stop psychically complaining, that’s just ungreatful!
    Ryan makes a good match to Em, since his face does not move at all, either! Yay for plastic surgery and robot-dating. Jef – it was sooo pathetic when she told the other guys she wanted to be chased after, then gave the rose to the only guy who seemed completely uninterested, LOL. Her compasion level for Charlie was a new glimps into her psyche – he did not want to talk publicly, she barely mustered enough interest to listen to his story (I guess she’s the ONLY ONE allowed to have a past to bring up nonstop), said he did not have to speak at all, how about singing ‘Rainbow connection’. Obvious progression – Charlie seated on the ‘interview couch’ being asked to speak publicly! Great job of showing compasion, Em.
    How f-ing painfull was her interaction with those ‘friends’ of hers? I know she said they are moms or Ricky’s friends, and some of her BEST FRIENDS EVER. Yet she was even more uncomfortable with them than she was on some of her bachelor dates. Obviously ABC got some soccer moms to pose as her friends and read a few benign lines, maybe for sponsoring new sports gear or whatnot. But this whole day/week in Charlotte seemed so contrived, so put on for public consumption, I felt offended.
    And since when is she a West Virginia girl? In all her forays on my TV this is the first time she EVER mentioned WV. I guess they had to fit in Greenbriar’s promotional package somehow. I just wonder how she’s ll explain some upcoming ‘attractions’ since she seems to have this need to justify everything and make it somehow relevant to herself in the eyes of the guys.
    Finally – when she was standing in that tan/gray tank, waiting for the guys to show up, they showed her sideways, and in this angle her boobs looked like bolted on porn star floatation devices. Why of why did she destroy her figure this way? She looked grotesque.

  6. 6
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 9:35 am

    Hmm. Something tells me Polk8dot isn’t pleased with this season’s choice of Bachelorette. Not sure why, just this feeling I have.

    Meantime — did I hear correctly? The dork with the biblical-length letter? Did he really end it with “love in Christ”? And she found this sweet? I guess the Jewish guy from Jersey (there’s always one) doesn’t stand a chance then?

    Probably the jeebus freek guy is thinking that, since Em is so unsexy, that kid of hers is a product of immaculate conception.

  7. 7
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 11:58 am

    ToughIssues wanted proof of Emily’s relationship with dead race car driver, saying “Hell, show me the plane crash.” Based on Fleiss and Co.’s shameless exploitation of its stars’ sob stories as dating show fodder, I don’t think a one-on-one date to the crash site is so improbable. The producers could even engineer the date to be with Arie (alive race car driver), so he could kiss Emily’s pain away (like the dates always do when someone is ascairt of heights). Then, they could CGI in a rainbow, and maybe a portrait of dead race car driver to imply that he approves of Emily getting on with her life with another speed freak.

    If I put myself in Mike Fleiss’s mind for a minute (eww, slimy) that sounds like GREAT TV.

  8. 8
    melange
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    If Emily wanted a pretty daughter, maybe she should have picked a cuter dead baby daddy. When daughters take after their average-looking fathers, it doesn’t tend to go well (see: Bobbi Kristina Houston Brown).

    Hi-five to ToughIssues for pointing out the Love Clock / Emily’s bio clock equivalency. BTW, it still pisses me off that she hears the ol’ “clock tick” at 26. What is this, 1912?

    I think Em is feeling a bit sorry for herself, the princess stuck in her ivory tower with her lovechild, her prince smashed on the rocks below. She’s looking for another prince to spring her out. Maybe then in-laws will take custody of their grandkid, and she’ll be able to start all over.

    I don’t see any princes, though. Just grade-B douchebags.

  9. 9
    l.e.boe
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    How about getting to know a guy first before forcing him to make cookies for your daughter and sit in a hot suv looking like a pedophile!! I actually felt sorry for the dude… until his ridiculous 8 page letter… 1 date + 1 eight page letter = run for your life!! Emily is so robotic and lacking in personality that this may be the most boring season ever and I may be forced to join a Monday night Pilate’s class!

  10. 10
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    This is guaranteed to be the most boring season ever. If only because you know our prissy lil’ miss will refuse to engage in any and all sexy times for the sake of protecting her daughter. No sexy times means an increasing percentage of the guys who just stop trying. Evidence 1: the unsexy bikini.

    She’s also so bland and whitebread that she’s guaranteed to get rid of the more interesting (read: extrovertly douchey) bachelors in favor of Ken dolls like the Bible-thumping Pedophile Letter writer.

    Also, I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess she’s a born again herself, which is why she got into the whole let the man take the wheel thing and then read that ridiculously long third-grade letter OUT LOUD.

    She also thought the “roses are red” poem was peachy keen, didn’t she?

    So I’m calling it: the douchebag letter-writer is going to be in the final two, if not the idiot who gets down on one knee at the end.

  11. 11
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    @ Melange: Emily has to blather about her biological clock the same way one of the suitors had to use the phrase “this just got real”. Those are rules #4 and #5 in “The Reality Dating Show Bible”. (Which, most people would be surprised to know, is published by the same co. that publishes “Varmint Hunter” magazine. http://www.varminthunter.org/)

    Rule #4: If the star is female, and can be reasonably believed to have had her first menstruation, she MUST make mention of her “biological clock.”

    Rule #5: As in all reality shows, 1) any public reading of the rules; 2) voting off, disqualification, or other expulsion of a competitor; or 3) introduction of an “unexpected” change or challenge to the rules MUST provoke the phrase “this just got real” from one or more competitor.

  12. 12
    AmyOops
    Posted May 26, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Oh, hell. I haven’t watched a season of this shit since Trista (?) and Ryan. SO I picked this one (slow TV month), and everyone seems to think it’s gonna be uber-boring-kill-us-all-now. Greeeeat.

    I’m not even finished watching the second ep, and if @itchy (poor itchy, no boobies for you) is correct about the “born again” shit and this show will become Bible Thumper Love Match, I’m OUT.

  13. 13
    AmyOops
    Posted May 27, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    “OUT” except I’ll still read the recaps, that is :-)

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