I can’t even decided where they are eating, so let’s just call it a conference center that wasn’t booked that night. Emily and Ryan have an awkward conversation about how he is constantly name dropping ex-girlfriends which she doesn’t care to know about. Maybe she should cut Ryan a little slack seeing as her last relationship can be see on DVD, do they put the Bacherlorette on DVD? Ok, it can be seen on the DVR belonging to Chris Harrison. But somehow Ry digs himself out of this whole and Emily tells him she wants a relationship where the man can be in charge, one may argue that the key given to him to drive the car was symbolism for their relationship. And with that she gives him the FIRST rose of the episode. Yes, Ryan cannot be eliminated this week. They wrap up this conference call by going outside be serenaded by some shitty band that Emily claims to love, or NBC told her to claim to love.
They dance on some awkward stage where the townspeople of Charlotte who long for the days when they had a decent basketball team to go see, instead of taking photos of some knock off Holly Madison with their BOOST mobile cell phones.
Meanwhile back at the house 13 of the guys find out they will be going on a group date! So basically these are all the guys Emily doesn’t care to get to know in a small group setting. Emily greets them at a theater and informs them they will be creating a variety show or some crap to benefit some charity in her dead fiance’s name.
This is the same girl that was annoyed with Ryan for occasionally mentioning that he had an ex-girlfriend. But whatever, the show must go on! But wait their is more, because The Muppets Movie must be available on DVD this week, Miss Piggy and Kermit will be assisting in this half assed show. This presents our post trauma victim Charlie with a problem because he is currently in speech therapy and therefor doesn’t want to partake in the stand up comedy portion of the show. Emily gives him a half assed oh my gawd, that’s ok, oh my gawd, I wouldn’t have even KNOWN you were in speech therapy. All I can wonder is, is Emily’s upper lip protruding more than usual, does Harrison give her lip injections before every outfit change? The show goes off without a hitch, aside from the fact that they have some creepy performance of Emily doing her best Marilyn, Madonna, dead fish impression.
Good to know that Emily isn’t just bad at keeping fiances she also can’t dance. And then in keeping with the the Ricki Protection Act of 2012 Emily has Ricki join her on stage for some creepy sing along of “Rainbow Connection”.
After the show it’s the after party, and Emily joins the 13 men of stage for some post variety show drinks. She ups the ante by hanging with Jef (because one f is enough) the probably Gay, Mormon, water bottle salesman. Emily worries that Jef isn’t so into her, which is probably accurate because she is not in face a dude. And keeping with the theme of “I can change him”, Emily gives the second elimination rose to Jef.
No time for the other dudes to plot Jef’s demise because TYRA MAIL! Ok they really don’t yell that, but they should. The guys get a message for JOE, who Emily describes at a Matthew McConaughey look alike, NO, he doesn’t and as a self proclaimed McConaughey enthusisiast I won’t be putting up with lines like that. The message says, “Joe come close to my heart”, so I can only assume this date will be open heart surgery. Emily whisks Joe away in a private plane, which we can only assume is going to make Ryan vomit up all those cookies from earlier, just like RICKI. They are headed for an evening at the GreenBrier Resort in the lovely West Virginia. West Virginia has luxury resorts, don’t worry it’s not really. The hotel looks like the back lot of the Daddy’ Warbuck’s mansion in Annie, and I don’t think it’s been redecorated since 1935. But whatever, Emily informs Joe it’s where she went as a child, where she got her first make over, where she gave her first blow job. Ok, she didn’t say that last one, but I’m sure it’s true.