Bachelorette Recap: Tick Tock, Love Clock

The Bachelorette

By ToughIssues | Tuesday, May 22, 2012 | 2:00 pm | 13 Comments
Posted in: Recaps, The Bachelorette

I can’t even decided where they are eating, so let’s just call it a conference center that wasn’t booked that night. Emily and Ryan have an awkward conversation about how he is constantly name dropping ex-girlfriends which she doesn’t care to know about. Maybe she should cut Ryan a little slack seeing as her last relationship can be see on DVD, do they put the Bacherlorette on DVD? Ok, it can be seen on the DVR belonging to Chris Harrison. But somehow Ry digs himself out of this whole and Emily tells him she wants a relationship where the man can be in charge, one may argue that the key given to him to drive the car was symbolism for their relationship. And with that she gives him the FIRST rose of the episode. Yes, Ryan cannot be eliminated this week. They wrap up this conference call by going outside be serenaded by some shitty band that Emily claims to love, or NBC told her to claim to love.

They dance on some awkward stage where the townspeople of Charlotte who long for the days when they had a decent basketball team to go see, instead of taking photos of some knock off Holly Madison with their BOOST mobile cell phones.

Meanwhile back at the house 13 of the guys find out they will be going on a group date! So basically these are all the guys Emily doesn’t care to get to know in a small group setting. Emily greets them at a theater and informs them they will be creating  a variety show or some crap to benefit some charity in her dead fiance’s name.

This is the same girl that was annoyed with Ryan for occasionally mentioning that he had an ex-girlfriend. But whatever, the show must go on! But wait their is more, because The Muppets Movie must be available on DVD this week, Miss Piggy and Kermit will be assisting in this half assed show. This presents our post trauma victim Charlie with a problem because he is currently in speech therapy and therefor doesn’t want to partake in the stand up comedy portion of the show. Emily gives him a half assed oh my gawd, that’s ok, oh my gawd, I wouldn’t have even KNOWN you were in speech therapy. All I can wonder is, is Emily’s upper lip protruding more than usual, does Harrison give her lip injections before every outfit change? The show goes off without a hitch, aside from the fact that they have some creepy performance of Emily doing her best Marilyn, Madonna, dead fish impression.

Good to know that Emily isn’t just bad at keeping fiances she also can’t dance. And then in keeping with the the Ricki Protection Act of 2012 Emily has Ricki join her on stage for some creepy sing along of “Rainbow Connection”. 

After the show it’s the after party, and Emily joins the 13 men of stage for some post variety show drinks. She ups the ante by hanging with Jef (because one f is enough) the probably Gay, Mormon, water bottle salesman. Emily worries that Jef isn’t so into her, which is probably accurate because she is not in face a dude. And keeping with the theme of “I can change him”, Emily gives the second elimination rose to Jef. 

No time for the other dudes to plot Jef’s demise because TYRA MAIL! Ok they really don’t yell that, but they should. The guys get a message for JOE, who Emily describes at a Matthew McConaughey look alike, NO, he doesn’t and as a self proclaimed McConaughey enthusisiast I won’t be putting up with lines like that. The message says, “Joe come close to my heart”, so I can only assume this date will be open heart surgery. Emily whisks Joe away in a private plane, which we can only assume is going to make Ryan vomit up all those cookies from earlier, just like RICKI. They are headed for an evening at the GreenBrier Resort in the lovely West Virginia. West Virginia has luxury resorts, don’t worry it’s not really. The hotel looks like the back lot of the Daddy’ Warbuck’s mansion in Annie, and I don’t think it’s been redecorated since 1935. But whatever, Emily informs Joe it’s where she went as a child, where she got her first make over, where she gave her first blow job. Ok, she didn’t say that last one, but I’m sure it’s true.

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13 Comments

  1. 1
    TV Junkie
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    What a snooze fest this one is..I started to fall alseep ..then remembered Bethany was on so I switched channels after.. the first make cookies and go out dining and dancing date..I just could not make it through the group date…Emily is very pretty..like a plastic Barbie doll..looks 35 not 26..and poor Ricki being dragged through the dirt on the soccer field and on reality TV.shame on NBC and Emily for showing this small child and exposing her to the crap and I do mean crap she is going to have to put up with. When I found out that Ricki will be also on the show I lost all respect for Emily…she isn’t too swift…in fact I think all the hair bleach and beauty products have gone to her brain, because she certanily is not protecting her daughter! I am very dissapointed with the entire show and after last night will be watching anything BUT this show…heck I may have to talk to my husband or take up reading again..Also I get the sneaking feeling..spoiler alert hert here..that Em will pick Chris Harrison!

  2. 2
    TV Junkie
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    PS ~Sorry for all the typing mistakes above…

  3. 3
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Jef needs to go back to selling bottles for people to put gay Mormon water in.

    Because on her People blog she makes it sound like she felt sorry for him.

    I’m kind of skeeved by how much they’re showing Ricki too. I guess it’s so we’ll think they stayed in Charlotte most of the time. But according to their news they were there a little over a week.

    Which isn’t as bad as it sounds. It’s not like Ricki didn’t already have a nanny before Emily ever signed up for Brad’s season.

    @TV Junkie Yes I’m also hoping for the most shocking After The Final Rose in Bachelor History!

    Unless, wait. Does Hugh Hefner watch this show?

  4. 4
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 5:00 am

    Ricki Who Must Be Protected: Mommy, who are all those strange guys we’re singing “Rainbow Connection” too?

    Emily: One of them is going to be your new Daddy!! Well, for about six weeks. Mostly in the tabloids. You won’t really even have to see him. Then it will all be over except for spending the money. You know, what? Those guys are really just men mommy works with.

    Ricki: Why are all those work men staring at your chest?

  5. 5
    polk8dot
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 7:07 am

    I CAN’T STAND Emily’s totally expressionless features! How much fricking Botox did she get? Ridiculous. On the other hand, it prevents her from fully expressing the disappointment and displeasure with her daughter, so maybe it’s better this way. Her face, when she looks at or talks to Ricky, is so almost unpleasant, like she smelled something bad. Woman, we all have disappointments in life; your kid took after her dad not you, oh well, get over it. At least she’s still working out great as your backup retirement plan (since the original one got himself killed). That mansion you live in, the food, the car – none of it would be forthcoming if Ricky was not around, so keep putting a good face on, and stop psychically complaining, that’s just ungreatful!
    Ryan makes a good match to Em, since his face does not move at all, either! Yay for plastic surgery and robot-dating. Jef – it was sooo pathetic when she told the other guys she wanted to be chased after, then gave the rose to the only guy who seemed completely uninterested, LOL. Her compasion level for Charlie was a new glimps into her psyche – he did not want to talk publicly, she barely mustered enough interest to listen to his story (I guess she’s the ONLY ONE allowed to have a past to bring up nonstop), said he did not have to speak at all, how about singing ‘Rainbow connection’. Obvious progression – Charlie seated on the ‘interview couch’ being asked to speak publicly! Great job of showing compasion, Em.
    How f-ing painfull was her interaction with those ‘friends’ of hers? I know she said they are moms or Ricky’s friends, and some of her BEST FRIENDS EVER. Yet she was even more uncomfortable with them than she was on some of her bachelor dates. Obviously ABC got some soccer moms to pose as her friends and read a few benign lines, maybe for sponsoring new sports gear or whatnot. But this whole day/week in Charlotte seemed so contrived, so put on for public consumption, I felt offended.
    And since when is she a West Virginia girl? In all her forays on my TV this is the first time she EVER mentioned WV. I guess they had to fit in Greenbriar’s promotional package somehow. I just wonder how she’s ll explain some upcoming ‘attractions’ since she seems to have this need to justify everything and make it somehow relevant to herself in the eyes of the guys.
    Finally – when she was standing in that tan/gray tank, waiting for the guys to show up, they showed her sideways, and in this angle her boobs looked like bolted on porn star floatation devices. Why of why did she destroy her figure this way? She looked grotesque.

  6. 6
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 9:35 am

    Hmm. Something tells me Polk8dot isn’t pleased with this season’s choice of Bachelorette. Not sure why, just this feeling I have.

    Meantime — did I hear correctly? The dork with the biblical-length letter? Did he really end it with “love in Christ”? And she found this sweet? I guess the Jewish guy from Jersey (there’s always one) doesn’t stand a chance then?

    Probably the jeebus freek guy is thinking that, since Em is so unsexy, that kid of hers is a product of immaculate conception.

  7. 7
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 11:58 am

    ToughIssues wanted proof of Emily’s relationship with dead race car driver, saying “Hell, show me the plane crash.” Based on Fleiss and Co.’s shameless exploitation of its stars’ sob stories as dating show fodder, I don’t think a one-on-one date to the crash site is so improbable. The producers could even engineer the date to be with Arie (alive race car driver), so he could kiss Emily’s pain away (like the dates always do when someone is ascairt of heights). Then, they could CGI in a rainbow, and maybe a portrait of dead race car driver to imply that he approves of Emily getting on with her life with another speed freak.

    If I put myself in Mike Fleiss’s mind for a minute (eww, slimy) that sounds like GREAT TV.

  8. 8
    melange
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    If Emily wanted a pretty daughter, maybe she should have picked a cuter dead baby daddy. When daughters take after their average-looking fathers, it doesn’t tend to go well (see: Bobbi Kristina Houston Brown).

    Hi-five to ToughIssues for pointing out the Love Clock / Emily’s bio clock equivalency. BTW, it still pisses me off that she hears the ol’ “clock tick” at 26. What is this, 1912?

    I think Em is feeling a bit sorry for herself, the princess stuck in her ivory tower with her lovechild, her prince smashed on the rocks below. She’s looking for another prince to spring her out. Maybe then in-laws will take custody of their grandkid, and she’ll be able to start all over.

    I don’t see any princes, though. Just grade-B douchebags.

  9. 9
    l.e.boe
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    How about getting to know a guy first before forcing him to make cookies for your daughter and sit in a hot suv looking like a pedophile!! I actually felt sorry for the dude… until his ridiculous 8 page letter… 1 date + 1 eight page letter = run for your life!! Emily is so robotic and lacking in personality that this may be the most boring season ever and I may be forced to join a Monday night Pilate’s class!

  10. 10
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    This is guaranteed to be the most boring season ever. If only because you know our prissy lil’ miss will refuse to engage in any and all sexy times for the sake of protecting her daughter. No sexy times means an increasing percentage of the guys who just stop trying. Evidence 1: the unsexy bikini.

    She’s also so bland and whitebread that she’s guaranteed to get rid of the more interesting (read: extrovertly douchey) bachelors in favor of Ken dolls like the Bible-thumping Pedophile Letter writer.

    Also, I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess she’s a born again herself, which is why she got into the whole let the man take the wheel thing and then read that ridiculously long third-grade letter OUT LOUD.

    She also thought the “roses are red” poem was peachy keen, didn’t she?

    So I’m calling it: the douchebag letter-writer is going to be in the final two, if not the idiot who gets down on one knee at the end.

  11. 11
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    @ Melange: Emily has to blather about her biological clock the same way one of the suitors had to use the phrase “this just got real”. Those are rules #4 and #5 in “The Reality Dating Show Bible”. (Which, most people would be surprised to know, is published by the same co. that publishes “Varmint Hunter” magazine. http://www.varminthunter.org/)

    Rule #4: If the star is female, and can be reasonably believed to have had her first menstruation, she MUST make mention of her “biological clock.”

    Rule #5: As in all reality shows, 1) any public reading of the rules; 2) voting off, disqualification, or other expulsion of a competitor; or 3) introduction of an “unexpected” change or challenge to the rules MUST provoke the phrase “this just got real” from one or more competitor.

  12. 12
    AmyOops
    Posted May 26, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Oh, hell. I haven’t watched a season of this shit since Trista (?) and Ryan. SO I picked this one (slow TV month), and everyone seems to think it’s gonna be uber-boring-kill-us-all-now. Greeeeat.

    I’m not even finished watching the second ep, and if @itchy (poor itchy, no boobies for you) is correct about the “born again” shit and this show will become Bible Thumper Love Match, I’m OUT.

  13. 13
    AmyOops
    Posted May 27, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    “OUT” except I’ll still read the recaps, that is :-)

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