Bad Girls Club Recap: Wash, Rinse, Re-Beat

Ok so it’s week 2 and I haven’t quite got these bitches names down so stick with me here. As we left off last week, Char2.0 and Rima were fighting because Char2.0 said Rima was a dirty non bath taking bitch. The fight continues and no security steps in AT ALL and it only ends when Rima kicks Char2.0 in the face knocking her backwards and the other girls then hold them apart.

The screaming continues and Julie tells us she is clueless as to what’s going on right now. Bitch you were a part of the conversation that started this shit. The whole dirty bitch doesn’t bathe. Pardon me but since when was bathing a requirement for BGC? The only reason any of you are on the show is because you look and or act like dirty whores.

Back to the fighting. Rima calls Char2.0 fake. C2.0 yells some shit about a dirty ass. Rima says she tried to talk to her but can’t and then for reasons only Jesus or Xenu or Charlie Sheen knows, C2.0 yells, “Bitch you don’t even have a driver’s license.”

Everyone knows if you don’t have a current DL you smell extra bad!

 Rima is as confused as I am. C2.0 tells us that Rima is being a lil “salty” about the fact that “they” think she’s a dirty whore but everyone knows that if you come at her with some disrespect you will get slapped.”

Do you people know how badly I want this girl to actually be Obama’s step daughter? Then maybe we find out Romney has a female love child the same age, we will call her Sparkle, and then every day on the campaign trail would be actually worth watching? Not to mention the debates! Oh the weave snatchin’ to be had!!!

Ok sorry back to the episode. C2.0 continues her rant after Rima has left the room. She is saying that she knows the jacuzzi has chlorine and she wouldn’t be stupid enough to call Rima dirty! Uhhhhhhhhhhh………ya totally did. More than once. Rima comes out and says, “I’m right here! If ya wanna talk we can talk. Every time I turn my back you are talking about me”

Why must you appear every damn time I try to talk behind your back?

C2.0 tries to say that it wasn’t her saying she was dirty and then Erika jumps in and reminds her that as soon as she was confronted she called Rima a bitch. Lots of arguing and then C2.0 puts her hand in Erika’s face. This is a big no no no no no! She seriously starts losing her shit and reminds them that that was her only rule, “DO NOT PUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HAND IN MY FACE!”

For a minute I think she’s gonna hit the bitch. It finally just dwindles out and Falen is all, “Let’s party.” Everyone seems to agree that they don’t want the house to be divided and then we see these two doing impressions of C2.0. I shall have my Step Papa deport thy dirty bitches!

Ok from now on I am calling C2.0 Mobama. Her name starts with an M, she claims to be Obama’s step brat, you get the gist. Oh by the way…………

Courtesy of ChapStick. Thanks sweetie!

Julie calls a friend (I’m shocked she has one too) and tells her most of the girls are “chill” except for one and she got into the first fight. Her friend is all “OMG.” Julie ChubberButt says that she feels like a punk because usually she will fuck someone up but she didn’t want to fight in the street. Then she tells us that her beef with Christina is “Whatever” and round one is over and she did what she wanted to do (sit on the curb) and there will be no hugging it ooowt. She tells her friend that these girls just don’t know what a psycho she is. Oh I think they know. A pathetic one.

Outside by the pool the hygiene police, also known as Mobama, asks Blondie if she is wearing the same bottoms as yesterday. Yes she is. Mobama says I hope you don’t get a yeast infection. Blondie doesn’t know what that is and asks if it’s chlamydia. Laughs all around.

God Bless her chubby lil’ heart.

As you can see she actually looks in her “area” like there will be a big YEAST INFECTION sign in there. She doesn’t think she’s ever had one and so Mobama decides to play Let’s Play With The Slow Girl and asks her what 5×5 is? Blondie says 10. Work with me here girl! For fucksake I’m trying to defend you. Fuck it. I like her and that’s that.

Erika tells us that Blondie is dumb because her head is filled with Starbursts, Skittles,and Fruit Loops.

When you’re right you’re right.

She goes on to say that if you cut her open her blood would be like glitter, and pink and she’s literally made of sugar, spice and everything nice. Erika says the others pick on her because she’s an easy target and she wants to help her but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. Amen sister!

Back out by the pool Mobama tells Blondie she has “Booty do, do you know what that is?” and she cackles. They explain to Blondie that it’s when your belly sticks out further than your ass. I thought that was a front butt but whatever you rancid piece of trash.

Christina is getting pissed at the comments and Blondie tells them they are mean.

Later by the pool, Julie BouyAss says she has figured Erika oowt. She says they are both equal and they aren’t going to take shit off each other and they are all strong and dominate. BumperBuns says that Erika wanted to come in there and be the leader and she’s not gonna be and Falen says she wants to be popular. Then they make fun of Erika having a fit about having a hand in her face and they are laughing and happy and oh so joyful. Then Mobama says if she has to fight her she will and if she gets her ass whooped then whatever. Guess what? The walls have ears. Christina ears! She runs and tells Erika what is being said and Erika takes her dominate ass outside to confront these equally dominate strong women.

What? We were talking about Global Warming and who we are voting for. And how pretty you look today. Please don’t kill us.

Seriously she tries to tell them she doesn’t want people talking behind her back and none of them look her in the eye. Julie BoxcarButt says some shit about how she’s right and they just want to have fun.

Night falls and they all go to dinner. With the house divided Blondie doesn’t know what to expect. Then again on Mondays she doesn’t know what day to expect next. (Bad Cherie!!! BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!)

Once at the table, Mobama softly says that she isn’t going to be rude tonight but she has a simple question to ask. She tells them that when she’s had a problem she tells that person to their face but why is it that no one talks to her about her to her face. SERIOUSLY? Rima tells her she’s the fakest bitch there and the first one to snap. Mobama is grinning like a pig in shit because she has all the attention now and she says,”Dude it wasn’t even meeeeeeeeee!” 

So who was it then? Obama’s other non existent step daughter?

Rima it seems has a self control problem and doesn’t want her pretty face to fool anyone. They agree they may never be friends but they shall never ever everrrrrrrr touch each others stuff and or destroy said stuff.  >insert snort sound here<

Christina takes the opportunity to tell everyone she is a loud bitch and if she feels like wilding out that’s what she’s gonna do. She goes on to say that if they ever get to the point that they can’t take it, then they will have to fuck her up and get kicked out. This does not sit well with Falen. Or her Lucille Ball hair.

Seriously who the fuck lied and convinced her that shit was cute?

I want to like Falen but she’s hanging with the bitches from hell. Anyway, Christina’s statement made Falen decide to pretend to slap her, ya know, cause she’s foreign. Christina does her usual, “Go ahead go ahead do suntin!” Falen tells her to sit down bitch and they keep going and Christina keeps getting closer until she’s actually basically straddling Falen. They keep yelling, do suntin,get out my face,blah blah blech. Falen it seems does not want to go to Mexican jail and says she’s not gonna fight nooooooooooooooo! But if Christina doesn’t sit her ass down she will “BANG HER OUT!” 

  Christina does straddle her and then kisses her and then kisses her some more and everyone is laughing including Falen and then she jumps up and tells her not to touch her. Julie FlabbyFuck takes the opportunity to say that Christina only starts fights in public because she knows they can’t fight in public. Aha! So it seems that the BGC Producers have told them if they get arrested, they are fucked. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh please let Mobama get arrested and then lets see how long it takes for Step Papa to get her out!!!!!

Julie CheesyCreases then tells Christina not to talk to her because she doesn’t deal with her. Didn’t you just insert yourself into her conversation? Christina assures her that if she wants to fight at home, she will come to her bedroom. Not a problem. Julie GlobbyGams tells us that Christina better shut up or she’s gonna get it!!! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Rima clinks her glass and they all toast to having fun and getting along. And then she promptly falls backwards, feet in the air, out of her chair.

Off to the club to get drunk and shake some naked booty. And for Falen, Julie TubbyTard and Mobama to sit in judgement. And be lame.

I feel like you can go home right now.

Rima of course already has her ass out and Erika, Blondie and Christina are having fun and being, well Bad Girls. And the whole time Julie CallJennyNow is preaching about how some people gravitate  towards those kinds of people and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Hey bitch, try enjoying yourself instead of stalking the people who actually do.

Have I mentioned I hate this bitch? Like I seriously would almost, almost rather Erica’s ugly clown face to be back in the house than listen to this boring ass sanctimonious cow.

Cherie’s first serious rant of the season (or second) is now over. Normal-ish programming will resume.

Uh oh it seems Blondie has snagged a dude.

Well at least we know she has a career to fall back on.

At one point Rima seems to be nuzzling the dudes ass crack while Blondie is backing up on his Magic Mike. Not sure what that was about. The ass nuzzling. Then they leave. The girls that is. Rima tells Blondie her man was cute and she had his pants down and was in his ass. I’m sensing a theme here. Of course Mobama reminds her that she (Rima) took her pants off too! Rima tells her that’s just her. Mobama asks her if they kick her out of clubs in Chicago for that? Yes twit and they don’t allow dancing and or reading and certainly no sex unless you are fully clothed. HATE.

Rima tells the bitch she loves the skin she’s in, flaws and all. Mobama tells us she just wants the night to end because Rima is a sloppy hot mess. And then she as well as the others STAGGER into the house.

Blondie immediately goes to confessional, with a pizza to tell us she has met the man of her dreams. I have trouble understanding her after that but she does say something about “drinking sober sux.”

Starting to understand the lack of brain cells?

She starts to leave and then says something about cantalope and kisses the camera lens. 

Christina calls her boyfriend and talks about fighting with the white bitch and outside Julie is without Mobama and Rima approaches her and tells her Mobama is fake and Julie seems to understand why she would think so but tells her and Blondie and Erika that she doesn’t need to get laawd with anyone but if you wanna take it to that level she will get laawd. OH please make her go away.

Oh crap. The next day the phone rings and it’s Rima’s son. Ishmael. He tells her he wants to go home. She tells him it will be soon and he tells her he wants to bring his cars and his sticks and his shoes and his jacket. I’m gonna fucking cry. I hate crying!

Great now I’m all snotty!

Who the hell leaves their small son for the BGC? I wouldn’t leave my beloved Pekapug Jack for the BGC. Fuck I get a babysitter for him when I have to leave for a few hours!!!! Rima is a crying mess, I’m all snotty. 

Jack with Santa. SHUT UP!

Christina and Erika bond over their thugness in the kitchen. Oh shit Rima is now looking at her little boys picture on the computer and crying some more. Blondie hugs her and then they decide to hit the beach where I’m sure Mobama will have Vagisil, Vagivax,VagiAss Wipes and some bleach.

Off to the beach they go!

Let me get this straight, the chubby girl is in a bikini…..

And Mobama, Miss Perfect Body wears a prom dress?

I mean really, if she has such a perfect body why is she all covered up in the freakin’ ocean? Dingbat!

Back at the house someone says they want to go talk with dolphins. I think they meant swim but it doesn’t matter because Julie WhaleTail tells everyone that dolphins are rapists. It’s a fact. When everyone with sense cracks up she tells them they can laugh but it’s not funny. They go in dolphin rape gangs and they have a “prehintile” penis, which according to LoadsofLard can wrap around anything. They use their giant” prehintile” penis’s to wrap around your wrist or ankle and drag you down to their “rape caves”. And they will then gang rape you with their huge dicks until you bleed out and she doesn’t fuck with wildlife like that!

  She is basing this info on a documentary she saw where this happens to 3 people per year but it’s probably more because the bodies are usually never found.

Hang on a sec…………………………

Ok now that I have rug burn on my face after falling out of my chair and laughing beyond belief, I decided to do some research. Here’s a clue, NOT EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET IS TRUE. Aside from the fact that Julie DolphinRape can’t even get the words prehensile penis correct, dolphins do not have them. They have dongs that come out to play when needed much like a dog. And yes they are very very sexual. With each other. Usually they don’t try to fuck nasty whores or there’d be a much bigger line at Sea World for the Dolphin exhibit. If you look it up you will find all kinds of stories about dolphin rape caves and you’ll also find stories about real life werewolves. And Sasquatch. And politicians who tell the truth. Believe what you want.

Back out at the beach a dude rides up on a horse. Hope he’s not gonna rape anyone with his “prehintile” penis.

Blondie and Rima pet the horse and lo and behold he just kinda snorts at them and then leaves.

Back at the house the twits get ready to go out. Mobama asks Blondie if her extensions were expensive and she says no, not like yours, they cost like $800 right. Mobama says altogether yes but she considers it a good investment.

Rima tells us that Mobama seems proud of her fake nose,fake lips,fake tits and hair and she’s stupid.

FAKE!

Erika will not be going out as she can barely speak and is sick. Rima declares she doesn’t want to go out either what with all those dolphin rape gangs prowling about. Mobama hopes that they get re-sick so they can keep staying home. Julie SuckASock says that Christina is in the Sad Girls Club and the three of them sing a lil’ song. Have I mentioned she makes me want to roll my eyeballs in shards  of glass?

At the club, Christina & Blondie are having fun as usual. Meanwhile Julie TwatFart and her sidekick Falen are sitting and yapping about, who else? Christina, or Jersey as Julie Jumbo calls her.

And that would make you the crotch.

Julie goes up to the bar and asks the guys name. He says, tab. She says, “What’s it?”  He says………

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Back at home Rima and Erika redecorate Mobama’s picture. Back at the club Julie claims that Christina doesn’t have enough money to pay her part of the tab and……

And that would make this day different how?

In the limo Blondie screams out a noise that sounds like she’s giving birth. Then Julie says everytime she looks at her she thinks she has a FUPA. Furry Upper Pussy Area. Blondie asures her she does not. Then Julie DieAlready says, “Not you. Guess who?” The who would be Christina who has her eyes closed and then Julie FartFace says, “The one pretending to be asleep.”  Christina hops up and asks her what she said and julie says, “nothing Boo.” Christina finds this confusing since she heard her say the shit.

Back at the house Christina prepares for battle. Meanwhile Mobama sees her defiled picture and is mad. Sort of. She goes to an almost voiceless Erika and asks her why she has to hate. The thing she seems most pissed about is the fact that they doubt her weave cost $700. Mobama says something about going to see something and then Rima throws a drink on her and they are fighting.

The others pull them apart again and Rima tells Mobama her ass is going home. Falen, is confused by the situation and wonders what is going on. She has seen the show before right?

Rima heads for the kitchen and gets some cranberry juice to throw at Mobama. Falen is all……..

Me too!

Rima throws the juice all over Mobama and Erika is irritated because she had plans for that juice! I think she was just making Mobama into a cocktail, first some booze, then some juice.

Now go lick yourself bitch.

Mobama decides instead to throw Rima’s shit in the pool. Sigh. Erika tells her ass that it’s lame and they do it every season but Mobama throws her shit in the pool anyway. Well some of it. Erika stops her ass from throwing any more shit.

Christina decides now is a good time to confront Julie BulbousButt and she gets her at the fridge. Before two sentences they are fighting. Julie Delusional tries to say she “five fingered her” and shoved her in the face. Not quite, it was the shoulder but they were fighting like rabid dogs. It takes two security peeps to pull them apart but Julie BaldSpot has hair on the floor which Christina puts on the stove and burns all to hell.

Christina starts saying shit again and it’s on again. Punch,slap,pull weave.  This time when pulled apart Julie has a bloody nose and scratches everywhere. She seems not to care.

Falen tells us that if Julie keeps going HAM on her friend she’s gonna have to jump in. Really? They fought twice tonight and your girls nostrils are filled with blood. How much more HAM does it have to get?

Rima now goes and throws Mobama’s shit in the pool over the fence. Every where. Julie goes to confessional after telling Falen that her plan all along was to get to Christina and she did! In confessional she says she may have a bloody nose but she’s still cute. Uhhhhh….NO. No you are NOT.

Rima, Erika and Christina decide to call a house meeting to vote Mobama’s ass out. They are afraid Blondie will be too scared to make a vote. And after all is said and done they were right. So it’s basically a tie and Mobama sees this as a victory. Which it kinda is.

Upstairs the girls are mad at Blondie for not standing up and she comes in, eating pizza and asks them if they are mad. Blondie gets the message and swears she will never NOT have their backs again. And she cries.

Rima leaves us with a message for Mobama. She’s an extra. Char Jr. and she is a Char Jr. Killa!

Best believe it ho!

So what do you guys think of Obama’s step daughter. Or dolphin rape gangs and their caves?

Until next week,

Love & Smooches,

Cherie

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