Hello gasmites. As usual if I have a week off all hell breaks loose the next week. Aside from technical difficulties and illness there are things at work in the universe that have made me decide God hates me. So I am trying my best to tell you wtf happened on this episode, have it make as much sense as possible, and hopefully make you laugh at least once.
That being said, we rejoin the crab infested wenches with Andrea digging her crap out of the ocean. After much thought, or not so much she decides she has conquered all and she needs to prove nothing else and is going bye bye. But before that the other twits decide to kick her out bad girl style and throw hot sauce on her and J-Bloat especially, won’t let her in the house.
Can I get some ranch dressing with that?
Andrea tries to put up a fight but damn, she basically gets jumped. And you all know how I feel about that. J-Bloat tries to keep her from coming into the house and says that Andrea places her hand on her “cherubic face” which is code for lard by the way, and then it’s on. And when I say on I mean they all jump her and as much as she got on my nerves I am so sick of this gang mentality bullshit. I am so sick of all these bitches.
The camera dude has to break it up as Zuly just hangs her head. She says it’s not right but she ain’t getting involved. Why is she on the show?
The twits pack all Andrea’s shit in garbage bags and put them in one jeep while taking all their own shit and putting it in the other so Andrea can’t fuck with their shit. Can you imagine what we could accomplish if we took all the energy these BGC bitches used on each other and used it as fuel???? Huh? We could like totally stop global warming!
I apologize. I haven’t slept and frankly these bitches make me want to have my tubes tied.
These dingbats take off and start throwing bags out of the jeep on the highway. Don’t they know they could hit a hobo and seriously hurt him/her?
Imagine being the homeless dude who found the bag full of women’s shoes and a dildo.
Besides I would be waiting for your nasty asses back at home and you would be replacing my shit. Or one by one you would find yourselves beaten to a pulp as soon as you closed your eyes.
What does Andrea do? She decides to leave. What would I do? I would wait……each night I’d target a specific person, and each night they would know a different type of hell. They would know I did it but they couldn’t prove it. For example one night I would wait for who ever was the drunkest, and I would squirt Nair on their head. Then I would sleep like a baby and look shocked as all hell when the bald bitch woke up. Maybe I have shared too much.
Back to the regularly scheduled programming. Before Andrea leaves she tells Switzerland, I mean Zuly goodbye and then she fucks up the other girls shit that they didn’t hide. Then she tucks tail and runs. However she tells us that these girls have done their worst and she’s still standing strong………….uh no you quit twit so suck it.
Mini Mouse would be embarrassed.
While the other bitches bitch, a new girl is on the scene. She claims that if you disrespect her or her friends you better apologize or she’s in your face. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Sorry, I fell asleep for a sec. This would be Natasha, The Spunky Spitfire from Monroe, New York.
Really Oxygen? The only names you can come up with for New York or New Jersey is Spitfire? How about Homely Fat Girl? Or Smartass Cunt? Bitch From The Bronx. Work a little here people!
Apparently Natasha likes to fuck a lot and girls don’t like her. She doesn’t care.
Doesn’t look like she cares a lot about anything.
She comes in the house, the only one there is Zuly who is so happy to see another female she almost faints. She tells Nat about the drama and Nat suggests they go take a shower. Okay. Sorry my lack of sleep and brain cells was incorrect, she said they should take a shot. They do and discuss the other bitches and what happens in the house.
The other bitches are on the way home and are starting to freak at what they might find if Andrea is still at the house. Maybe ya should a thunk about that shit before ya stole her crap and threw it out on the highway. Bitches.
When Rima walks in, she sees the new girls picture. Apparently this is too confusing for Fallen.
Andrea said if I put cotton candy on my head she’d stay!
The dingbats find mustard on their sheets and shit thrown about and Rima thinks, excuse me, she KNOWS that Andrea went out with the new girl. Only problem is that the new girl keeps trying to introduce herself but Rima and Fallen are in rabid mode and ignore her until they finally understand that Andrea left. Then it’s all, she’s a weak bitch. Why didn’t she stay if she’s a bad girl? I agree and couldn’t care less all at the same time.
Finally the girls introduce themselves and they all decide to go out. Nat doesn’t give two shits about these twits she just wants to have fun. Something J-Bloat is apparently trying to work hard against having.
Really J-Bloat? That’s your dick gettin’ outfit?
At some point Zuly sets her sights and her clit on J-Bloat. Why? I say desperation. Because seriously, gross. Zuly decides J-Bloat is all sexy and she needs to get with that. By the way she’s telling this to some random dude. This is what has Zuly all a flutter….
A flabby girl with glasses, that’s the ticket!
I’m not kidding, Zuly keeps begging J-Bloat to sit on her face. First of all there’s a choking hazard and second of all eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!
The next day the girls have a rehearsal for Pink Kitty and they talk about how aggressive Zuly is. Fallen acts like it was a one time thing so get over it. I’m not sure Fallen remembers what day it is so her advice is worth about as much as a pet rock. I had a pet rock once. He killed himself. I had a rough childhood.
Back to the sluts. Fallen decides the new girl is not cute which is hilarious coming from a dehydrated frog. At rehearsal they tell Emilio that they have a new girl and the one that worked the pole is gone. They decide they’ll try something new like make out with each other. He tells them to get her done!
When leaving, the new girl rides with Zuly and says she feels like the odd man out. Zuly understands, being mostly man and all. She tells Nat that she just has to feel her way with them……..ya know like she did the first night.
The girls get ready and slutted up for the for reals appearance. They dance around all nasty like and do something totally original like KISS EACH other!!! That has like, never,ever,ever been done on stage before. Totally makes up for the lack of pole action.
OMG! We are surely all going to hell!
Fallen says the crowd loved it and they did really really good. That means, in BGC language, that no one puked,fainted or shit themselves while onstage. Yay.
In the limo on the ride home, Zuly is all about trying to get in J-Bloats pants. Why you ask? Maybe she has some candy bars. Other than that I have no clue. J-Bloat keeps trying to push her away and Fallen is all freaked that Zuly is a pussy hound. Zuly meanwhile thinks Fallen is a pussy block.
Back at the house, Blondie sees the new girls picture and attempts to kick it as Zuly tries to reign her in.
Well at least she didn’t fall over. Yet.
Later, Zuly comes looking for J-Bloat who is snuggled in with Fallen. Giggles abound as they decline her offer of a lickfest. They act like they are afraid of her even though they have both participated in lickfests before.
The next day Emilio shows up and tells the girls he has a gig for them and they are going to none other than the city of ATLANTA!!!!!!
Settle down, I live here. It’s not that great.
The girls all scream and yell and pack and crap. Blondie is extra excited cause she heard tell Atlanta was in that there United of States! She tells us she just wants to be some where that people understand food and fucking and incest!
I’d like me some possum dumplin’s and a side of Cousin Buford please!
Fallen is also excited to go to the ATL cause she wants to see her people and boys! Guess they don’t have those in Cabo. When they land in Atlanta Rima sniffs and tells us it smells so good here! Probably something most people say once they escape her thighs, except for Zuly who apparently has a fetish for fishy.
I warned you I was grouchy people!
Once at their hotel they are amazed by the food and yum yum yum! Then they head out to Primal for a lil’ nightlife. Guess what crawls out from under a stump?
Just when you think things cannot get worse.
The Crimson Chin arrives. She announces herself to the current BGC members and I know this will shock you but Zuly finds her FABULOUS!
On my knees I’m begging you not to.
Once they get to Erika’s section, she wants them to do shots. The new bitch, Natasha doesn’t want any damn shots. Which according to Erica’s hideous ass is against the law in Georgia.
And you looking like a heavy weight Jay Leno you orange haired freak.
Carrot Top jumps in Zuly’s ear and wants to know what’s up with the weak bitch. Zuly’s all, oh I don’t know blah blah please let me lick something. Erika decides she’s a bitch because she wanted to drink Hennessey instead of a shot of who the fuck knows what. Nat hears this shit and comes up and tells Long Chong Chin that she doesn’t mix dark with light. Chinny Chin Chin tells her that’s not how it’s done in Atlanta. Look you fucking disgusting freak of NOT nature, ya wanna know how it’s done in Atlanta? It’s done however the fuck I say it’s done. Which means if someone wants to drink tap water on the fucking rocks that’s what they do. Suck it you nasty scabby assed whore.
By the way, that was me holding back.
The bitch keeps holding court and asks if they like “peach dress” or not. Peach dress being Nat who wanted to drink what she wanted to drink and not what the herpes laden cunt ordered her to drink.
Out of all these dingbats, Rima tells us she’s not going to be a part of this crap even though J-Bloat, Fallen and Zuly are basically sniffing Firecrotches crotch.
Nat or Tasha as she is called knows that Herpface hates her and as soon as they get back to the hotel she thinks the others will spread the hate.
Tasha gets the jump on the situation and tells the others that she knows Ginger Herpes was trying to make them hate her and she just wants to get to know them as a person. J-Bloat is offended that someone thinks she is a jock sniffer, and in this case she was all up Crotch Rots jock.
NO ONE MAKES ME FEEL ANYTHING!
I mean aside from those rapist dolphins! J-Bloat is offended that Tasha thinks anyone could possibly make her have a thought! She’s pissed so of course Fallen is too and Zuly is just going with whatever group she has the biggest chance of licking.
Rima and Blondie take Tasha aside and try to tell her she needs to be strong or these whores will eat her alive. Especially Zuly. Tasha is crying and doesn’t get what she did wrong. The thing is she didn’t do anything wrong. She attempted to be an individual in a bunch of followers and now is singled out as an outcast. Her main problem though, she let the bitches see her cry. And they enjoyed it.
Note to self: Hire rapist dolphins to target and attack certain bitches and drag them off to their rape caves.
Seriously though, this girl is not made for the BGC. She has a heart and that’s a big fucking no no.
The next day, Fallen wakes everyone up with exciting news. They are all gonna get grills y’all! They head off to…well wherever you get grills and they run into the Ying Yang twins who apparently specialize in grills. Funny thing though, neither one was wearing one of those hideous ugly ass fuckers. Blondie however was thrilled.
Oh yeah, that’s attractive.
After they leave there, they go for mani/pedi’s. Brace yourself………….this is Fallen’s foot……………
If any of you are familiar with Honey Boo Boo, June’s forklift foot is nothing compared to these gnarled up hooves.
Rima and J-Bloat have a chat and J-Bloat’s perspective is that once Tasha cried she was dead to her. Looks like Rima agrees.
By the way, the first 30 people who figure out which exit is mine gets to come to my home for some down home cooking!
And by down home cooking, I mean possum stew!
The dongbats head over to the Mansion at Elan because that is where they will be performing their Pink Kitty dance. This dude says he’s the manager and makes it clear that a lot of money was spent to bring them from Cabo so a lot is expected.
In other words someone will have to blow him or jack him. I’m guessing it won’t be Zuly.
The girls do a run through and Pudgy Pudfucker looks like he’s playing pocket pool. Say that shit 5 times fast! It’s a sad day in America when this is the dance crew at strip club in Atlanta……
I told my husband he could go to a strip club and fuck any one of these girls……at first he was excited…then he saw them….he cried and said he’d rather run his dick through my pasta maker.
Back at the hotel Tasha tells Zuly that Erika tried to make everyone hate her and of course Zuly’s response is that she can’t hate that ass. Really Zuly?? Are there absofuckinglutely NO STANDARDS involved????
Off to the Mansion for the twats performances.
Hope springs eternal.
Then all hope dies in a buttcrack!
And whatever this is. Looks like a Rorschach test to me.
After their performance the girls head to the Opera to celebrate. And get drunk which in Atlanta actually is the same thing. By the way, in Atlanta, Opera is a club.
You like when I pull your hair ya dirty bitch?
Zuly takes this opportunity to try her best to be as cliche’ as humanly possible.
By the way, that is what Zuly calls flirting. Seriously. She says she knows that J-Bloat is into it because she’s grinding on her(she is) and if she didn’t want it she’d tell her to back off.
Back at the hotel, Zuly tries to seal the deal and J-Bloat says there is an attraction….but……and then Zuly, the neediest lesbian I have ever seen, asks her to just tell her she’s gonna get some of “that.”
J-Bloat however, tells us that that ain’t never gonna happen but she does like the attention.
Later J-Bloat tells Fallen and Blondie about Zuly’s desires and Fallen is all eeeeewwww and so is Blondie. Excuse me but Fallen was licked the first fucking night Zuly arrived and what the fuck is Blondie all grossed out about since she and J-Bloat were lickty split partners????
Time to fly back to Cabo! Immediately drama starts because apparently Tasha needed to do some laundry and asked J-Bloat how many more loads she needed to do.
Fallen of course chimes in with, “Pop off son what’s up?” Of course not in front of Tasha but still, she said it, so she’s like, a total bad ass.
Meanwhile Tasha calls her Mom because basically she ain’t built for this shit and she’s sad and lonely. Mom is all, how can you be lonely with 5 other girls there? Way to pick up on your kids distress Mom. Her Mom says keep going and keep doing it. She knows she can. Meanwhile her daughter is wiping tears off her face.
Go home. This shit ain’t for you.
Meanwhile Fallen is yapping about a sheriff and how when the sheriffs come it ain’t no game and some other nonsensical bullshit. I am so tired of this do nothing yap yap bitch that I can only hope someone just beats the living shit out of her for no other reason than the fact that she’s a floating do nothing trash talking bitch.
Again, that was me, holding back.
Rima agrees and J-Bloats tells us that all she has to do is put the idea out there and this bitch will be history. She says, “What time is it? Oh it’s time to flick another one outta here.”
Speaking of flicking, I wish someone would flick your ass away much like the wad of snot you are.
Until next week,
Love and Smooches,
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter. You can post your favorite lines right back at us. If you want to play games and socialize, like our Facebook page! We’re also now on Pinterest and Tumblr! Thanks for being a part of the gasm!