This is what Jackie would look like if she was a woman.
Apparently she thinks that Homewrecker Spice wears one piece Spanx, because that’s all we see. Granted this was a completely staged scene because I’m fairly certain that Old Spice didn’t have anything else on under that jacket. But when she walks out, the ladies all collectively throw up and my dog tries to fashion a noose to hang himself.
Um. So, yeah, this is what I was thinking she’d look like.
Let’s give some attention to her kangeroo pouch.
Donkey hair and donkey ass. It’s a twofer. Or a heifer.
If those aren’t muffin tops, could we call these taquito rolls?
Old Spice pulls the onesie up her butt and struts around while the bartender starts squeezing lime juice directly into his eyes. Old Spice pretends like it’s all fun and games and tells Homewrecker Spice that “she be getting’ me”. Homewrecker Spice has a ring on but Old Spice says that her ring cost $300,000, but apparently she said it cost $400,000 last time it came up, so who knows. Doug would happily pay $500,000 if it kept her out of his bed. Things take an even uglier turn when Old Spice pretends she’s Homewrecker Spice and says that she got the cover of a magazine over Opportunistic Spice because she showed her ass… (well, she didn’t say ass, she added another syllable to the end of that word, but it was so gross that even the ladies all stopped in their tracts).
Old Spice whips out her pepper spray and Opportunistic Spice gets hella pissed when she sees that. Old Spice starts taking off her pink boots and asking “who has insurance up in this btch”. Gangsta Spice is trying to keep Old Spice calm, but Opportunistic Spice is ready to go. Homewrecker Spice sits back with her drink and enjoys the show.
Opportunistic Spice removes her jacket and gets in Old Spice’s face. Old Spice uses that fake calm voice to make it sound like she’s not crazy. Old Spice says they need to be careful because they need to think about jail. Opportunistic Spice says that she’s got bail money. Old Spice wants to take it to a boxing ring, but Opportunistic Spice wants to throw down here and now.
I got my bail money.
Even when Opportunistic Spice is yelling and screaming, she’s still beautiftul. Then there’s the worlds worst editing job and the next thing we see is Old Spice’s donkey hair falling off her head, a huge security guard holding her back, Opportunistic Spice’s tank top is ripped into shreds and she’s being led outside. WHAT A TOTAL CROCK OF SHT, VH-1. I can’t believe they cut out the one scene we want to see because they think these ladies are role models. VH-1 needs to get off it’s moral high horse and give the people what they want. Because this is a load of crap.