Bethenny Ever After Recap: The Shoes Weren’t the Only Heels

I am shocked – SHOCKED – that this is a woman who made her fortune from selling booze.

OK, so I have never watched an episode of “Bethenny Ever After” before this evening. I apologize in advance for not knowing who most of these people are or why they’re even a part of this show. It’s a good thing that the “previously on…” section at the beginning of this episode is so long. I feel like I watched the entire season up to this point. In the opening credits, did they really need to include an image of Bethenny shaking coconuts in front of her chest? I’m guessing that subtlety is not a big part of this show.

The first line of the episode is Bethenny saying, “This place is just like us – cheap and cheesy!” That tells me everything I need to know. Oh! It gets changed to “cheap and easy.” That tells me even more. Bethenny and company are entering a restaurant called Tortilla Flats. I guess she meant “cheesy” in a literal sense.

This is the annual holiday part for Bethenny and her staff. That seems like quite a cheap holiday party. I don’t even work for anyone famous and my firm’s holiday party was at a DC country club. Knowing that I got to go to a better holiday party than people who work for a reality TV star makes me feel a lot better about myself.

Bethenny offers Dwayne, her driver, a drink since he’s not driving tonight. We go around the table learning who everyone is. We’ve already met Dwayne. After that, there is Dawa, Bethenny’s nanny. Next, Julie is the Coordinator of Chaos. Really? That’s her title? Does she get that on a business card? Veronica is a Glammy? I can’t even pretend I know what that is. Oh, Stacey, thank you for having a normal title like “hair stylist.” I appreciate that more than you will ever know.

Apparently, this going around the table with a nice little graphic of everyone’s name is just so Dwayne can realize that Nick isn’t there. Thanks, Dwayne. What would we do without you? Nick is Bethenny’s food blogger. What does one have to do to become a food blogger? More importantly, how does one go about getting a personal food blogger? Dwayne wants Nick to show up because he apparently can’t handle with so many boobs. Bethenny informs the camera that Dwayne is “half caveman” and that he needs certain things to feel manly.

OK, Bethenny, I’ll give you scratching your balls as a way to feel manly. I’ll even reluctantly give you football. However, I draw the line at eating chicken wings to make one feel like a man. Chicken wings being awesome is just a universal truth. Wings are gender blind.

They all suddenly mention that this is Julie’s last holiday party. Bethenny remedies her sadness by taking a very large sip of her drink. Suddenly, Sonia, Bethenny’s make up artist, shows up. Then Nick the food blogger arrives! That was pretty quick. They literally called him about a minute ago. Nick tells Julie that he’ll really miss him. They all change the subject and toast Dawa who can actually come out for a night instead of staying home and taking care of Bethenny’s daughter. Dawa says that she thinks Bethenny is a good mother. Bethenny starts to cry dramatically.

Jason shows up! Wait a minute. If Jason and Bethenny are here along with their nanny, who is watching their daughter?!?! You may want to rethink that “good mother” comment, Dawa. Bethenny then tells everyone that they are like a family to her. How about that child you left at home without her parents or her nanny? Where is she in this family situation?

Jason realizes that someone is missing from this “family.”

The next day (well, I assume it’s the next day – reality TV time is different than real time), we arrive at a Glamour photo shoot. According to Brian, the photo shoot director, the theme of the shoot is balance and gossip. Bethenny refers to the concept as hilarious.  She says that with the most serious expression I’ve ever seen on anyone…ever. For some reason, Bethenny can’t stop crying. She tells the camera it’s finally hitting her that Julie is leaving and that this is their last photo shoot together.

Glamour, indeed.

The photo shoot begins with the “gossip” side of the theme. Because I have the sense of humor of a 16-year-old boy, Bethenny yelling into a megaphone with her mouth wide open just looks dirty to me. I’m not getting “gossip.” I’m getting “Deep Throat.” Ha! The director points this out the moment after I type it!

In this context, I guess “balance” means “Hawaiian shirt,” because, when we return from a commercial, that is what Bethenny is wearing in the makeup chair. There is another crying session with Julie and Bethenny. Then Bethenny tries to blow dry her eyes. I don’t even have to make a joke for that. Think of someone blow drying her eyes. That is the joke.

OK. I guess balance, along with the Hawaiian shirt, is going to be represented by Bethenny “juggling.” By “juggling,” I mean throwing two brightly colored balls into the air and catching one of them. 

 You can get a much more literal interpretation of “balance” than a unicycle.

Bethenny meets with Dr. Amador, her therapist. Bethenny tells him that she has no idea what’s going on in her life. Renovating her apartment is difficult. I really wish the biggest stressor in my life was renovation. I keep looking at Dr. Amador and thinking, “This is what Ed Helms is going to look like in 20 years.” (I have a weird crush on Ed Helms – I’ll admit it.) Bethenny also talks about how her marriage has been though because she sucks as relationships. Oh, hey! We talk about Julie leaving again. I don’t know if you all knew this, but Julie is leaving. I just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page with that. 

Next, we’re in Bethenny’s home office for Julie’s last day (just in case you missed it, Julie is leaving). Julie shows up with coffee. I don’t know, maybe it would have been a nice gesture for someone else to bring Julie coffee on her last day.

Then the nipple conversation begins. Jason walks into the office and informs Bethenny that her nipples are hanging out. Now, I can see that she’s clearly not wearing a bra, but I don’t see any nipples. Bethenny just responds with a “who cares?” She does, however, go and find a bra. She then tells the camera that going braless is not a big deal in that office. She apologizes at least once a day to Jackie for letting her vagina hang out when she changes.

I really hope that no man ever makes that face at my nipples.

 Bethenny gets a phone call.  Bethenny retreats to the nursery where she talks quietly with whoever is on the phone. She says that she has great news but hasn’t told anyone about it yet. The entire time, Jason is trying to listen in on the conversation. We don’t actually hear the news at this point. Suspense has to be built somehow, I guess.

MEETING IN THE LIVING ROOM! Bethenny announces that she got her talk show and that it will be based in LA. Jason gives her a high five. Now, I’m not married, so I’m not the best person to comment how a married couple acts toward one another. However, I think AT LEAST a hug is merited in this situation. A high five and a “that’s awesome” just doesn’t seem to cut it. Bethenny launches into a big thank you speech to the support staff. Then she tells Jason she doesn’t thank him enough for all he does. Maybe she’d remember to thank him more if he gave her more than a high five for a big moment like this.

The picture of true love.

Bethenny tells everyone that this will be a family decision. The consensus among her employees is that they’ll make it work. However, Jason says that he’s overwhelmed with the idea of moving to LA for six weeks. This might be a good place for Bethenny to ask everyone else to leave. This probably would have been a better conversation to have with her husband before telling everyone else. You really do suck at relationships, Bethenny. She also lets her employees know that none of them will be losing their jobs if they can’t move to LA for 6 weeks. I’m not even going to make fun of that. That’s pretty commendable. It seems as if Bethenny truly cares about the people who work for her.

Suddenly, there’s a cake for Julie. Julie tells us that Bethenny is letting her keep her work computer as well as giving her a pretty nice bonus so she doesn’t have to worry about what she’ll do before she finds a new job. Oh! There is another toast! I wish I had known all this beforehand. I would have been playing a drinking game this whole time. I could have been drinking every time they were drinking!

There are more tears, more hugging, and a montage of Julie and Bethenny through the years. What more could they talk about in the last 15 minutes of this show? Seriously, just end it all here!

And, we jump three months! Well, first there was a scene of Bethenny and an interior designer shopping for furniture. The entire scene is summed up in that one sentence. Bethenny and Jason are just in their condo talking about how life has changed a lot for their family. This may officially be the most boring season finale I’ve ever seen…of anything…ever. They’re just talking about moving to their new place. There really is nothing worth recapping here. It’s as if there was only 30 minutes of the “Julie is leaving” story, so the producers just threw in an extra 15 minutes of filler. At this point, I’ve stopped paying attention and have begun to focus on petting my cat.

They’re even bored – and they’re IN the show!

Again, nothing too exciting happens while Jason and Bethenny are packing up their stuff. Suddenly, Bethenny starts making a big deal about a “small box of toys” over which she is having anxiety. The whole sex toy conversation goes on entirely too long. All of this is taking place in front of Jackie, Bethenny’s assistant. I really hope my boss never talks to me about any sex toys he may have. There are just some things I don’t want to know. I’m actually embarassed FOR Jackie in this situation. I audibly groan when Bethenny flat out asks Jackie if she has any sex toys.

The next day they move into the new apartment. Bethenny has been keeping Jason out of the apartment for the last few days so that everything can be perfect when he arrives. They just look around for a while. The weirdest thing I see is a giant red “YES” on the wall. It’s a good thing Bethenny is married. Otherwise, that sign would send a very specific message to anyone entering the apartment. There are a lot of before and after pictures of each of the rooms. When we get to the bedroom, Jason picks up their wedding album and asks, “Remember that?” I don’t even know what to say to that. Why would you ask your wife if she remembers your wedding? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure they haven’t been married for more than a couple of years. If Bethenny doesn’t remember their wedding, then she sucks at relationships a lot more than she let on in her therapy session.

A group of people show up. I’m not even going to pretend I know who any of them are. Bethenny thanks them, so I’m guess they’re important. Why is no one toasting? I had actually started playing my drinking game after the last one!

I’m going to have a girly moment here. When Bethenny walks into her closet, I immediately start salivating. I have recently become a shoe whore and I am seriously coveting this collection. Oh! They’re toasting in the closet! To make up for lost time, I drink an entire glass of wine. Lord knows I need it after this show.

It’s like she’s praying at an alter of shoes…which is exactly what I’d be doing.

It’s the next morning. Seriously, producers, how much more can you possibly cram into the next four minutes. I’m pretty sure this was the longest hour of my entire life. OK, that shot of the entire family sitting at the kiddie table is adorable enough to be worth it. The phone rings! The first call in the new apartment. Someone named Hillary is on the phone. Hillary produces “Ellen.” Bethenny’s talk show will be premiering June 11th and she has to be in LA by May 20 – that’s one month away. Bethenny hangs up and sulks on the floor in the corner of the kitchen.

Being rich and successful is hard.

After a brief freak out over some spilled flowers, the show, thankfully, ends. Maybe it’s because I’m not a regular viewer, but this seemed like such a long episode. It just wouldn’t end. I know it’s the season finale, but that doesn’t mean you have to cram an entire season of filming into one episode.

So what are your thoughts? Will any of you be tuning in to watch Bethenny’s talk show?