Beverly Hills Nannies Recap: Wake Me Up Before You Go Go

Just like Macbeth.

Howdy, Gasmii!  First up, a scheduling note.  Since both the final BH Nannies episode and the reunion episode air next Tuesday, I’ll put up a quick Minicap next Wednesday and then a jumbo-sized recap covering both episodes a couple of days later.  Also next week, I’ll have an exciting announcement about my next TVGasm recapping gig.

Let’s get to our ep!

We open in Runyon Canyon, where Lucy and Kristin are strolling.  Kristin recounts last week’s screamfest (conveniently downplaying her abusive screaming).  Lucy laments that Kristin took a chance on Amber, and this is how she’s repaid.  She goes on to say “there’s gonna be haters.  Just wash it out”. 

 And send it on its way, presumably.

With that trite observation, we go over to the Gardiner household, where we meet Ali, who looks like an Aniston wannabe.  Jenny and her husband are discussing their nanny needs with Kristin.  Jenny works in interior design and needs a nanny for Scarlett and Ruby.  They’ve only had one nanny before, and there’s no mention of why she left.  Or was killed.  Whatever.  Kristin talks about Drunky, saying she doesn’t have that much experience but she’d be a good fit, yada yada.  Kristin shares that this is Drunky’s last chance.  Every placement is someone’s last chance, it seems.  Pray tell, when is Kristin’s last chance?

Now we’re at dinner with Scott and Cindy.  Cindy wants Scott’s opinion on when Nicholas should have the “sex talk”.  Scott recommends 8 or 9, and says it’s the “worst thing ever if you don’t know what’s happening” with one’s body.  Hate to break it to ya, pal, but that only gets worse with time.  Despite what John Mayer says, bodies aren’t wonderlands.  They’re mostly cesspits of horror.

Also, you’re a douche.

After some discussion of periods and erections (this ep is an ick-fest), Cindy persuades Scott to talk to the boy.  Later, we learn that she only wants Scott to discuss sex – not procreation – saying that Nicholas knows he was conceived in a petri dish or something, while the girls were carried by a surrogate.  So to Cindy, sex and procreation are completely separate entities.  Hows’ about we check back with you in 6 years, Cindy, when Nicholas has knocked up some girl because you never told him sex is the most common way procreation happens, ‘mkay?  Also, put some damned clothes on.  You’re not Hugh Hefner, you know.

Crikey.  Can’t quite remember how to put the old dingo in the billabong.

Commercial.

We’re back to the Gardiner house, where Lil Drunky is interviewing with Jenny and Brian, the husband.  Drunky says she’s from the SF Bay Area (that explains a lot of her wardrobe), went to school in Fullerton, got a business degree, wasn’t happy with that, decided she’d go to cosmetology school, didn’t like that, and now she’s nannying.  She cites her vast experience as a gym coach.  Jenny naively shares that she trusts Drunky will be good based on Kristin’s word.  HAHAHAHAHAH  They discuss cooking, and Drunky makes it plain she’s not only not a gourmet chef, she must have recipes to follow.  Cause the things kids eat, like chicken nuggets and oreos, are so hard to make . . .  Jenny says she’ll be around a lot in the beginning to make sure Drunky works out well.  Or – spoiler alert – you could just skip that and hire a different nanny.

I’m not sure who looks more scary.

Meanwhile, Tricia and Lucy are closing down Tricia’s Tree House business.  It’s obvious this saddens Tricia.  Lucy, ever oblivious to common societal cues, takes the opportunity to again rehash the conversation they had a few eps ago, which they already discussed in the succeeding ep.  Remember the convo was about not talking so much.  Lucy suggests that Tricia can just say “espresso” when she wants Lucy to shut up.  Or she could just say STFU.  Which would be my choice.

How the f did Lucy get my new address?

Ahoy!

Commercial.

We’re back to Amber, who’s running in a park.  She’s meeting with Shayla to tell her all about big bad Kristin.  However, since Amber’s been running, she’s panting while trying to talk.  It’s like an interview with an asthmatic.   After Amber recounts the argument, Shayla says she’s never seen Kristin act that way with her.  Amber shares she doesn’t feel Shayla heard her.  Oh she heard you.  And ignored you. 

If I kill her now I’ll be home in time for the party.

Amber goes on to say “Do we have problems, you and I? Are we good or do you not like me too?”  Shayla says that sometimes Amber disrespects her, and shares she finds Amber not only disrespectful but condescending.  Amber – who seems to have inherited Lucy’s utter inability to correctly interpret body and voice cues – then mentions some kind of birthday party Shayla is having with Drunky and Kristin.  Amber wants to go, and tells Shayla to tell Kristin that Amber doesn’t want any drama.  Yep, this’ll turn out just great.  Just. Great.

Yeah, sure, show up.  Kristin won’t mind.  She’s all about forgiveness.

Over at the Margolis house, where the sex talk discussion has resumed.  In this delightful conversation, Cindy makes Scott’s statement he “didn’t grow until I was 16″ into a disgusting double-entrende, again mentions erections, asks him how many girls he’s slept with, and finishes by telling him to run her bath for her.  Need I say she’s again in some kind of peignoir?  Honey, he so does not want to sleep with you, now or ever.

Are you as turned on by this sex talk as I am?  Or my thick neck?  Plastic surgery scars?

Next morning, Justin and Drunky are meeting at Jack & Jills (one of only several restaurants that will allow them to film, apparently, since the show just filmed there a couple of eps ago).  Drunky, as you knew she would, orders a mimosa “with a splash of oj”, prompting Justin to ask if her clock “is set to happy hour”.  I’m convinced Justin is the smartest guy on this show.  He goes on to say that he’s shocked Kristin isn’t using Drunky to set up her business.  Justin then asks what Drunky really wants to do, and suggests teaching gym or tumbling or cheerleading.  Drunky responds “anything to do with kids I don’t like”, prompting Justin to say “but you want to be a nanny” and dissolve in laughter.

There’s too much oj in my booze!

 Misanthropic alkies are funny!

Commercial.

Oh god, it’s the sex talk.  Luckily the producers didn’t go into detail in this scene, except to show Nicholas saying “that’s gross”.  Yes, it is, wise little man.  Yes, it is. 

Of course, we do it upside down in Australia, so I drew this helpful diagram to show you how to do it here.

Just getting some tips for later.

At the Faulks, everyone is leaving for San Diego, even though Lindsay and the girls have strep throat.  Justin shares he’s nervous about Marshall and nervous about dying from the strep throat. 

28 Days Later:  The Sequel.

Over at the Gardner’s, Jenny is exhibiting her super-cool spy skills, since she’s taking notes on Drunky while pretending to work.  Her notes:

Kids alone on stairs.  To be fair, Drunky opened the gate, and the “stairs” seem to be only a few steps.

Dressed unprofessional.  Tank top and shorts, no more unprofessional than the tank top and pants Kristin wore for their interview.

Made kid carry chair.  Well, she didn’t.  The kid picked up a plastic lawn chair and easily maneuvered it.

Jenny then shares Drunky is “a little rough around the edges”.  Around the EDGES?  Through and through, baby.  That said, I’ve seen far worse nannies than Lil Drunky.

Kid should count herself lucky she’s not in a sweatshop.

Commercial.

We return – but not really – to Heifer, Amanda, Tricia and Lucy in a jewelry store, where they try on rings including one that’s $157K, and looks like it’s $29.95.   Are they at HSN?

They said an engagement ring should be 3 months’ of a guy’s salary.  That’s just crazy talk!  Curtis told me it’s 3 hours’ worth! 

The Duchess of Cambridge would be so jealous . . .

Commercial.

We’re back, and here is Marshall Faulk.  Well, still photos of him, which have been artfully arranged in sequence.  So he refused to let ya film him, huh?  Apparently all Marshall said to Justin was “hey what’s up”.  Lindsay claims Marshall thought Justin was her boyfriend until she called him the nanny.  Um, no.  Marshall couldn’t possibly think Justin was Lindsay’s boyfriend.

Cause if you were, he would so open a big ol’ can of whoop-ass.

Over to some hotel, where Kristin, Drunky and Shayla are drinking and getting their hair done.  Kristin says they got the room so they could get their hair done.  Or they could have gone to one of the million hair salons in LA where hair is commonly done.  Shayla recounts her convo with Amber and adds in a description of her behavior at Justin’s painting party a while back.  Shayla shares she doesn’t think Amber knows how close Kristin and Shayla are.  Drunky shares that Shayla may be badmouthing them to Amber, saying aloud that Amber is inconsistent.  So unlike everyone else on this show . . .

Here she is, your ideal.

Up on the hotel roof, everyone except Amber gathers for this party.  Drunky is, unsurprisingly, drunk.  Consistency.  That’s key. 

Ish havin’ the besh time evrrrr.

Amber shows up, and Shayla shares she “felt everything drain from me”.  That’s not Amber, dear, you seem to have just peed your pants.  Amber makes a big deal out of giving Shayla and Drunky presents, while ignoring Kristin, who just sits and glares.

It’s the ghost of skanks present!

If I don’t look at her, she won’t see me.

Commercial. 

Kristin tells Shaun to tell Amber to leave.  Shaun does that but tells Amber he feels awkward.  Amber says she’s “here to show love and light” to Drunky and Shayla.   Love and light my ass!  You’re here to mess with Kristin.  And we all know it.

I seem to have misplaced my cojones.  Have you seen them?

Meanwhile, Kristin is telling the others she’s told Shaun to tell Amber to leave. 

Honey, this dress isn’t doing you any favors.  Woof.

Lucy says she heard Amber say she had 2 other parties to go to, so presumably she’s leaving soon anyway, and says she doesn’t like ganging up on one person.  Justin asks if they can’t get past this.  At this point, Shayla, Justin and Amanda are standing.

Ready to rumble.

Amber comes back and says she’s leaving, and hugs Drunky.  She then says “no matter what’s going on here we’re all grown-ups and I just wanted to come here because Shayla invited me and I don’t want to be disrespectful to (Drunky) or her (Shayla) on her birthday”.  Amanda says they’re “all working for the same group and this is going too far”.  Shayla says “this is crazy that we’re asking people to leave”.  Amber butts in with “I’m here just to wish you all a happy birthday.  I adore all of you and I hope you guys know no matter what’s going on between Kristin and I it has nothing to do with any of you”.  At this point, Shayla says “people make mistakes”.  Justin says “this is a nanny support group, we’re supposed to be supporting each other.  We have to work past this –”

 Stop!  In the name of love!

Kristin interrupts him with “it’s not supportive when you have someone going and tarnishing your name around town”.  Justin responds that he gets that “but I think whatever happens –”, Amber says good night, Amanda asks her to wait, Justin says “please just let me say this” and Kristin talks over all of them yelling at Amber to “just go.  Go.  Go.”

Hows about YOU go, ya drunken batshit crazy carrot?

And there our ep ends.  From the preview, it looks like there may be a mass exodus from Kristin’s “society” next week.  Or not, you never know with this show. 

So, are you completely on tenterhooks wondering how this will turn out?  Me neither.  I have to say though that it’s been a big ball of cheesy fun, and I’ve enjoyed recapping this more than I had thought.  See you all next week for the Big Finale and Reunion and my exciting news!