Hello Everyone! Welcome to your first Big Ang recap. I’m going to apologize up front – I haven’t watched any of the Mob Wives, so I am not familiar with a lot of the back story – just let me know if I get some of the back story wrong. I’ve tried to read up as much as I can, but I’m sure that I’ll miss some stuff. I will say that Big Ang is crazy, but good crazy. She’s like that crazy relative that makes the family reunion entertaining. Also – her voice reminds me of Linda Richman – Mike Myers’ character on SNL.
Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. Rhode Island, neither a road nor an island, discuss.
Anyway, in this episode, we get to meet Big Ang and her crew, along with her bar, The Drunken Monkey.
Big Ang lives to do everything big – big boobs, big cars, big house, big
penis. She runs her bar, The Drunken Monkey, in Staten Island. She loves working in bars and it’s the only thing she really knows how to do. She survived house arrest, wise guy after wise guy (This is evidently the politically correct term for someone affiliated with the mob) and is now doing whatever the f**k she wants. In her spare time, she hangs out with the monkeys – the crew at the bar – and her dog Louie.
Big Ang is meeting her friends for drinks.
Bad things come in threes
We get to meet Linda who has been friends with Big Ang since they were 13. According to Big Ang, Linda is a lunatic. I feel that if Big Ang thinks you are a lunatic, you must be one crazy bitch.
Next is Lil’ Jen.
Lil Jen had pancreatic cancer and was in a coma for 5 weeks, they even pronounced her dead. She is now 53 and lives with her parents. She is even afraid of the dark. Hanging out with ‘wise guys’ doesn’t scare her, but a dark room – holy shit.
Big Ang starts rattling off the names of all of her friends and it honestly sounds like the character list for Goodfellas. Evidently, the wise guys loved her and her crew. The problem is that out of the wise guys, 1/2 are dead, 1/2 are rats and 1/2 are decrepit. I’m a little confused on the math, but lets go with it.
After reminiscing, the ladies toast to the old days. I would think that you would just be happy you are alive, but whatever.
On to the Drunken Monkey. Big Ang tells us that it is the nicest bar in Staten Island. Her goal is to have Drunken Monkeys all over the world. She should real be a Goodwill Ambassador with that outlook.
I’m betting at least one person inside is in possession of roofies
Big Ang goes to her sister, Janine’s. Janine is 6 years younger than Big Ang, but acts like she is her mother. Janine has to check if Big Ang is going to appointments and paying bills. They get on the topic of the grand re-opening. Big Ang wants shot guys. Janine musters up the very minimum in enthusiasm and agrees.
Time for a commercial break, but they seriously have 5 minutes of ‘coming up’. They pretty much summarized the rest of the show.
Big Ang and Linda are casting guys to be shot boys. Meet the studs:
1. Johnny Salami – They think he is too cute. Plus his name is Johnny Salami.
Probably riddled with STDs
2. I’m not sure what #2′s name was, but he looks greasy and pasty white. They seem to love him, but they also are attracted to men involved in organized crime.
3. Damien – asks if they want to see him flex or take his shirt off.
4. Wally – is actually cute, but his name is Wally.
5. Ricardo – Big Ang wants him to be her ‘hot latin lover’. I just threw up a little.
Big Ang is headed to dinner with her ‘so-called husband’, Neil. They have been married 3 years. According to Big Ang, it has been a total disaster. They are living apart – he cheated and drank too much. She says that being married to a wise guy is not as much trouble as being married to a sanitation worker. The two professions actually have quite a bit in common. They both involve putting things in landfills…
Anyway, Neil is ready to move back in but Big Ang is torn.