It’s our fave time of year!! The White Trash Olympics (otherwise known as Big Brother) starts June 12 and we’ve got a killer team this year for you. TheMiki is stepping up for BB duty for the first time EVAH and we’ll be joined by a fantastic noob to the gasm front page, Danny! Recaps will be going up night of air/early morning after, plus Chooch and her gang of forum misfits will be back covering the live feeds around the clock in the forums, which should be back up in a couple of days. To find all of our forum and recap links in one place, check out our Big Brother facebook page! We’ll be back next week for the show, but for now, here’s our comprehensive group rundown of Season 14′s jackasses. We ragged on the pics and descriptions found here.
TheMiki: “Three adjectives that describe you: Vivacious, loving, charismatic, spark plug and enthusiastic.” “Spark plug” is a noun, you ignorant twat. So you can’t count AND you can’t understand basic English. Thank god you can spray-tan. Anyone who says, “Love” that many times in their bio is guaranteed to be pure evil.
Danny: This girl will be the one to have sex allllll over the house. Possibly with multiple partners.
Flipit: Her last name is locco, which looks like the spanish word loco spelled incorrectly. So a dumb crazy bitch, I’m guessing. She has a man face and drives around in a mobile spray tanning van, and almost every sentence in her bio is overly positive, which means she has daddy issues and is probably mentally unstable. And before you get mean, she’s just PRETENDING to be dumb, k? She’s a spark plug.
Chooch: She’s going to “pretend” to be a dumb blonde. I don’t see a problem there. A definite floater, since she hates them. They always do.
Chooch: This is BB Danielle III. She’s also decided to play the dumb card. Her bio reads like a beauty pageant speech, all full of love and hope and white teeth. Snake-hater #1
Danny: She’s not even in the house and she’s ALREADY boring me.
Flipit: Another giant fake boobied teeth bleaching young person with old lady face due to too much outdoor activity. The revenge of fat pasty people is that we stay young longer. Her plan to win is to act dumb. Two girls, two strategies of being moronic. Way to make your gender proud, girls!
TheMiki: **yawn** “I’m gonna pretend I’m dumb so people won’t think I’m a threat” is reality TV talk for, “I’m dumb.”
Flipit: Ugh. Old guy on a skateboard. YOU KNOW he has one. Cut your hair and get a damn job, boy! You’re not cute enough to be unemployed at thirty something. Oh, you’re twenty eight? Like every other haggard actress in this town with Eagles hair? GROOM and go to school you lazy bum! KIDS!
TheMiki: Dude, your hair is not camera ready. Also, when using sports metaphors to describe your dream team, it’s probably not a great idea to make yourself the guy with AIDS.
Danny: My favorite part about Frank is that his best accomplishment is paying for his braces in college. What is THAT about?
Chooch: GREGARIOUS! Gotta love his word. He’s a real “Basketball Jones” though… ugh. Dude can’t live without his flat-iron. Looks to me like it’s broke. Snake-hater #2
Danny: NERD ALERT. This guy seems like the single member of the house who isn’t desperate for fame. He’s going to hate the rest of these morons.
Chooch: This is TOO easy! 21 yr old nerdy geek on CBS…hmmmm. Oh I know, let’s put Sheldon in the BB house! Afraid of vomiting and drowning. Snake-hater #3
TheMiki: Is every single member of this year’s cast afraid of snakes? Could we make this year, Big Brother: Snake Pit Edition? I can’t tell if this dude is a legitimate nerd or a goddamn hipster…