Big Brother 14 Cast Mockery

Recaps

By Flipit | Friday, July 6, 2012 | 1:00 pm | 20 Comments
Tagged: , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

It’s our fave time of year!! The White Trash Olympics (otherwise known as Big Brother) starts June 12 and we’ve got a killer team this year for you. TheMiki is stepping up for BB duty for the first time EVAH and we’ll be joined by a fantastic noob to the gasm front page, Danny! Recaps will be going up night of air/early morning after, plus Chooch and her gang of forum misfits will be back covering the live feeds around the clock in the forums, which should be back up in a couple of days. To find all of our forum and recap links in one place, check out our Big Brother facebook page! We’ll be back next week for the show, but for now, here’s our comprehensive group rundown of Season 14′s jackasses. We ragged on the pics and descriptions found here.

Screen Shot 2012-07-06 At 10.54.16 Am
Ashley

TheMiki: “Three adjectives that describe you: Vivacious, loving, charismatic, spark plug and enthusiastic.” “Spark plug” is a noun, you ignorant twat. So you can’t count AND you can’t understand basic English.  Thank god you can spray-tan.  Anyone who says, “Love” that many times in their bio is guaranteed to be pure evil.

Danny: This girl will be the one to have sex allllll over the house. Possibly with multiple partners.

Flipit: Her last name is locco, which looks like the spanish word loco spelled incorrectly. So a dumb crazy bitch, I’m guessing. She has a man face and drives around in a mobile spray tanning van, and almost every sentence in her bio is overly positive, which means she has daddy issues and is probably mentally unstable. And before you get mean, she’s just PRETENDING to be dumb, k? She’s a spark plug.

Chooch: She’s going to “pretend” to be a dumb blonde. I don’t see a problem there. A definite floater, since she hates them. They always do.

Screen Shot 2012-07-06 At 11.01.07 Am
Danielle

Chooch: This is BB Danielle III. She’s also decided to play the dumb card. Her bio reads like a beauty pageant speech, all full of love and hope and white teeth. Snake-hater #1

Danny: She’s not even in the house and she’s ALREADY boring me.

Flipit: Another giant fake boobied teeth bleaching young person with old lady face due to too much outdoor activity. The revenge of fat pasty people is that we stay young longer. Her plan to win is to act dumb. Two girls, two strategies of being moronic. Way to make your gender proud, girls!

TheMiki: **yawn**  “I’m gonna pretend I’m dumb so people won’t think I’m a threat” is reality TV talk for, “I’m dumb.”

Screen Shot 2012-07-06 At 11.10.07 Am
Frank

Flipit: Ugh. Old guy on a skateboard. YOU KNOW he has one. Cut your hair and get a damn job, boy! You’re not cute enough to be unemployed at thirty something. Oh, you’re twenty eight? Like every other haggard actress in this town with Eagles hair? GROOM and go to school you lazy bum! KIDS!

TheMiki: Dude, your hair is not camera ready.  Also, when using sports metaphors to describe your dream team, it’s probably not a great idea to make yourself the guy with AIDS.

Danny: My favorite part about Frank is that his best accomplishment is paying for his braces in college. What is THAT about?

Chooch: GREGARIOUS! Gotta love his word. He’s a real “Basketball Jones” though… ugh. Dude can’t live without his flat-iron. Looks to me like it’s broke. Snake-hater #2

Screen Shot 2012-07-06 At 11.16.41 Am
Ian

Danny: NERD ALERT. This guy seems like the single member of the house who isn’t desperate for fame. He’s going to hate the rest of these morons.

Chooch: This is TOO easy! 21 yr old nerdy geek on CBS…hmmmm. Oh I know, let’s put Sheldon in the BB house! Afraid of vomiting and drowning. Snake-hater #3

TheMiki: Is every single member of this year’s cast afraid of snakes?  Could we make this year, Big Brother: Snake Pit Edition?  I can’t tell if this dude is a legitimate nerd or a goddamn hipster…

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Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

20 Comments

  1. 1
    NikkiHughes
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY hope Britney and Reny are back. That would be amazeballs. Who is Dick??

  2. 2
    Court
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Maybe this will make you like Wil more
    http://www.realitytea.com/2012/07/06/big-brothers-wil-heuser-spoofs-real-housewives-of-new-jersey-new-york-and-atlanta-in-video/

  3. 3
    KartofflMuter
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    I would stay to mock these people but I’m afraid my husband would kill me in my sleep for even having this show on at all.

  4. 4
    zbird
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    There’s more saline in this cast than at a Bausch and Lomb factory.

    *gasp* Seriously cannot breathe right now! OMFG that’s funny

  5. 5
    Kittkatt
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    I’m boycotting. Why would anyone choose a Hands over Boobs McFirecrotch? Smdh

  6. 6
    michkabibbles
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    typeing this makes my fingers feel retarded is going in my mental queue, i cannot wait to use it.

    i haven’t watched big brother for a while (is evil dick the old rocker guy who was there with his daugher and it was secret and then he ended up threatening to rape a girl or burning someone with his cigarette, but it was only on the live feeds, and they never acknowledged it or kicked him out or anything? am i making this all up? i don’t know if i’m remembering something that actually happened or if my fingers are just retarded). but seeing how excited people are getting around here makes me think i should watch it (high today: 109, i’m not leaving my house until september).

  7. 7
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Wil is on the BB promo…and his voice sounds helium induced. It’s sad and scary at the same time.

    Are there no players over 40…again? WTH?

    And are we really being cursed with another Hantz? That could possibly keep me from watching. I loathe that family.

  8. 8
    juddfan
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Thanks for the link, Court. Call me crazy, but Wil looks likes a kick. I thought he would be much prettier in drag tho, lol!!!

    I’m sorry for the lack of eye candy, Grrrrls, I’ll be slowly slitting my wrists while I lust for yet another Hantz! What is wrong with me!!!!! Help!!!! There must be a story to having two kids and living at home . . . I’m just saying!

    And you guys are serving some serious smack in those descriptions-yay!!!! I’m getting so excited!!!

  9. 9
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    If I want to look at some wrinkly old fuck, I can go step in front of the mirror. My tv’s for the young and nubile.

    I’ve got high hopes for Wil with one L. Maybe too high…

    And yes, please please please bring back Britney!

  10. 10
    chooch850 chooch850
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    I hope there is at least one competition involving a snake pit.

  11. 11
    Cherie Cherie
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    Seriously did I just see Fabio’s kid? And really another Hant? Why God WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
    I used to worry my ass was going to hell for making fun of these folks. I think I’m pretty safe this season. Plus I’ll be there with chooch and flipit so how bad could it be?

  12. 12
    NikkiHughes
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    @cattyfan: I believe there are 2 (?) people that are 41-ish…..not a lot, but it’s something.

    I’m tired of rehashing all these reality people too, ESPECIALLY since there are hundreds of thousands of people who would love to be on BB and who I’m sure apply every year, but I must say…..the Hantz brothers ARE pretty cute. This one is the cutest one so far. So even though he’s probably a douchebag prick, maybe he’ll turn out to be funny, or at least fun to watch/make fun of. Hopefully.

  13. 13
    Court
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    @juddfan: I agree haha, he looks a hot mess in drag but it gives me hope he’ll be entertaining HOPEFULLY not annoying. He did a spot on Jill Zarin tho lol

  14. 14
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    Yay! Big Brother posts before the shit even gets started! I wish like hell I had been around the Gasm last season. I think Rachel deserved the win. Does that make me a bad person?

    Ooh, and as a member of the LGBT club I have to say there’s possibilities from both sexes for visual enjoyment. Ashley’s “man face”, at least in her promo photo, is strangely appealing to me…go figure. Not usually into big-jugged bleached-blondes with too much makeup.

  15. 15
    NikkiHughes
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    I personally think that the Hantz dude is the cutest guy. I don’t find Shane attractive at all, but all that could change when you see them “in action”, lol. I think Wil has a great face. If he had a shorter cut, I think he would be a cutie patootie. And I’m willing to bet that nerdy guy is probably really cute when his personality gets in the mix. I’M SO FRIGGIN’ EXCITED!! I could literally watch BB every single week of the year!!! <3

  16. 16
    fancyface
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    OMG! I FLOVE those videos!

    He had me @ “Jewels jewels everywhere in my hair & in my stool….LuAnn LuAnn you’re the man, if you can’t do it no one can” I actually think I found out about him through a link posted in one of the recaps on here.

    I’ve been watching everything he’s done every since I saw that one but I must admit I give his black face impressions the side eye. I knew he looked familiar. His Kelly smile is dead on! Here’s to hoping he doesn’t let me down because I think he’s hilarious!

  17. 17
    NikkiHughes
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    OHHHHHHHH MAH GAHHHHHHHHHHHH, I did not even realize that Wil was the one that did that video. I saw that last year and laughed my ass off! CROISSANT, CROISSANT. He is going to be a blast!!!! Whooo Hooo!

  18. 18
    Miss Molly
    Posted July 7, 2012 at 9:53 am

    I was kinda hoping they would bring back Kaysar so I could yell at him again about taking his finger off the button.
    Plus I think there is a box of old “Save Kaysar” buttons that EdHill left around the ‘gasm somewhere.

  19. 19
    Closet Fan
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 10:24 am

    I have not watched since the first couple of shows. Was Mike Boogie from forever ago? I don’t plan on watching now but looking forward to the recaps. This was awesome!

  20. 20
    juddfan
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 10:28 am

    OH Nikki, I’ll save you a seat in hell next to me!!! LOL!!! But I’m happy there’s someone there for eye candy . . . usually, with my taste, there is no one. I agree that Wil is rather attractive too, but I would only want to hang with
    him and drink wine in stemless glasses!!! I hope he’s more fun than annoying . . . I’m pretty sure he’s gotta be!

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