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Flipit: Bullying is mean. And really fun. I can’t wait to slam this dork up against the lockers all summer.
TheMiki: Hold the fucking phone here! When I was a junior in high school all the girls from Kittie were like 14. How is this bitch suddenly seven years older than me? Plus, “To enjoy yo’self” is more of a fragment sentence than a motto. Trying to hard: You’re doing it right.
Chooch: Rock-Star! Lydia and Enzo’s love child. It’s all about the Band, man. BB will be yelling at her a lot, to stop singing, but she’s a good contender for fights.
Flipit: This girl is pretty convinced that she’s famous and talks about recording albums and touring like she’s fucking Beyonce. I wish I was in the house this summer just so I could follow her around asking “what’s your name again? I’m sorry. One more time? WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER YOU?!?!?!?”
Danny: Watch for this one to go through severe meth withdrawal on day three.
Chooch: This season’s “opinionated” African Queen. She’s married, so she’s doing it “for my family”. Expect her to cry on cue. Her BFF will be Joe. Snake-hater #4
Flipit: An opinionated waiter. She probably wonders why she makes like five percent. Be quiet and refill my diet coke without a fucking monologue, k?
Danny: Can’t wait to see the many “Jodi likes to clean!” filler montages!
TheMiki: You are so cannon-fodder. The only thing that might save you is the incredibly Caucasian group of housemates not wanting to vote off the black chick first.
Chef Line Cook
Three adjectives that describe you:
Leader Knowitall, performer community theater chorus boy and entertainer asshole who sends you all those fwds with tasteless Michelle Obama is an ape jokes.
Danny: This guy creeps me out. NEXT.
TheMiki: I feel like they snapped his picture while he was leering at a women’s yoga class from across the street. Seriously, where the fuck is my rape whistle? Also, you don’t need a football to remind you that Big Brother is a game. Pretty sure the ridiculous competitions/constant shouts of, “I’m here to play a game, not make friends” will do the trick.
Chooch: “Feed them and I will win!” is his strategy. It didn’t work too well for that cook on Survivor, did it? wasn’t he the first to go?
Chooch: Sparkling Bartender! She won’t tell her strategy, which means she has no strategy. She doesn’t have a BF, so she’s up for some action. She thinks Evel Dick’s hot, so even Ian’s got a chance. Snake-hater #5
Danny: Oh, cool, they’re letting drag queens play this year? Very progressive, CBS!
TheMiki: Think of how many cats she could buy with the million dollars?
Flipit: Bartender, Staten Island, fan of Evel Dick. All the signs say the same thing…
Danny: She’s so dumb, she might get lost in the backyard.
TheMiki: Holy god, aren’t we exceeding the bimbo quotient for this season? I like how she mentions that she likes to read, but I fear her Nook is full of Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey…
Chooch: She’s a model. She practices yoga. She’s been Cinderella, Snow White, Alice in Wonderland and 2006 Playmate of the Year!! Strategy? No, she doesn’t need one.
Flipit: One of those chicks who calls themselves an actress because she wore some dirty princess costumes while working summers at Disney World. There’s more saline in this cast than at a Bausch and Lomb factory.