Big Brother 14 Cast Mockery

Recaps

By Flipit | Friday, July 6, 2012 | 1:00 pm | 20 Comments
Tagged: , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

TheMiki: Much like naming your kid Chad is guaranteed to make him a douchebag, I’m starting to suspect naming your kid Shane makes him say stuff like, “If I could bring anything to the Big Brother House it would be a pull-up bar.”  

Flipit: Graduated pre med but works as a house flipper and is terrified of failure. There’s a story there.

Danny: TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT!

Chooch: Honest ?….honestly, if this is the only guy we have for eye-candy this season, we’ve been robbed. He’s a real snoozer.

Screen Shot 2012-07-06 At 12.18.42 Pm
Wil

Flipit: This year’s hick excuse to continue voting against anything gay people want.

TheMiki: He’s scared of bananas.  Bananas.  Typing that word makes my fingers feel retarded.  Bananas.  I hope he goes home really early cause I know I’m gonna want to kick him in the teeth.

Danny: Hahahahahahaha. Good to see they’re letting Zac Efron in a princess wig into the house!

Chooch: This bullshitter says he watched last season and didn’t like Evel Dick. Why? Because he wasn’t there? He talks the talk of a mastermind, but we all know what happens to braggarts. Snake-hater #6

Screen Shot 2012-07-06 At 12.21.55 Pm
Willie

Danny: Oh my god, NO. CBS will not rest until every last member of the god-forsaken Hantz family gets on TV. I hate this guy with a fiery passion.

Chooch: Hostile and Docile. Is he for real? How much coaching did he get from his real big brother? Claims his favorite things are strip clubs and they lock him up with a house full of bikini-clad women. This should be real interesting.

Flipit: Proud Evel Dick loving douchebag loser living with his mom. Says he would have shot himself if he had to live with Rachel, so here’s to hoping she comes back. One less Hantz littering the country. Blech.

TheMiki: You’re 34, you live with your mom, and you think “Strip clubs” is an activity.  I hope you win, because your two kids deserve a shot at a college fund if they’re gonna have to find out how much you like hookers on national TV.

Screen Shot 2012-07-06 At 12.35.04 Pm

There will be four players from previous seasons returning as mentors!! Who will they be??

TheMiki: The returning players thing is so fucking lame.  The only person from recent BB that I liked was Britney, because she mocked everyone mercilessly.  I really hope that neanderthal that they bring back briefly every season to flex and piss me off is over and done with…

Flipit: I hope it’s Renny, Britney, Sheila and Jesse. I can laugh, laugh, laugh and masturbate.

Chooch: Let’s hope the mentors know who Willie Hantz is and they can get rid of him right away. He doesn’t belong on this show at all. I’m sure Mike Boogie does, but he’ll probably be on his team and he’s as big a sheep-humper as Hantz is.

Danny: Is there any way three of these aren’t Rachel, Jeff, and Dick? The thought of subjecting us to these obnoxious jackasses for yet another summer makes my skin crawl. Can they get kicked out? Are they just going to be hanging around, eating food and napping all day like a bunch of post-grads bumming off their parents? Do any of these people have real jobs?!

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Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

20 Comments

  1. 1
    NikkiHughes
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY hope Britney and Reny are back. That would be amazeballs. Who is Dick??

  2. 2
    Court
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Maybe this will make you like Wil more
    http://www.realitytea.com/2012/07/06/big-brothers-wil-heuser-spoofs-real-housewives-of-new-jersey-new-york-and-atlanta-in-video/

  3. 3
    KartofflMuter
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    I would stay to mock these people but I’m afraid my husband would kill me in my sleep for even having this show on at all.

  4. 4
    zbird
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    There’s more saline in this cast than at a Bausch and Lomb factory.

    *gasp* Seriously cannot breathe right now! OMFG that’s funny

  5. 5
    Kittkatt
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    I’m boycotting. Why would anyone choose a Hands over Boobs McFirecrotch? Smdh

  6. 6
    michkabibbles
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    typeing this makes my fingers feel retarded is going in my mental queue, i cannot wait to use it.

    i haven’t watched big brother for a while (is evil dick the old rocker guy who was there with his daugher and it was secret and then he ended up threatening to rape a girl or burning someone with his cigarette, but it was only on the live feeds, and they never acknowledged it or kicked him out or anything? am i making this all up? i don’t know if i’m remembering something that actually happened or if my fingers are just retarded). but seeing how excited people are getting around here makes me think i should watch it (high today: 109, i’m not leaving my house until september).

  7. 7
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Wil is on the BB promo…and his voice sounds helium induced. It’s sad and scary at the same time.

    Are there no players over 40…again? WTH?

    And are we really being cursed with another Hantz? That could possibly keep me from watching. I loathe that family.

  8. 8
    juddfan
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Thanks for the link, Court. Call me crazy, but Wil looks likes a kick. I thought he would be much prettier in drag tho, lol!!!

    I’m sorry for the lack of eye candy, Grrrrls, I’ll be slowly slitting my wrists while I lust for yet another Hantz! What is wrong with me!!!!! Help!!!! There must be a story to having two kids and living at home . . . I’m just saying!

    And you guys are serving some serious smack in those descriptions-yay!!!! I’m getting so excited!!!

  9. 9
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    If I want to look at some wrinkly old fuck, I can go step in front of the mirror. My tv’s for the young and nubile.

    I’ve got high hopes for Wil with one L. Maybe too high…

    And yes, please please please bring back Britney!

  10. 10
    chooch850 chooch850
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    I hope there is at least one competition involving a snake pit.

  11. 11
    Cherie Cherie
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    Seriously did I just see Fabio’s kid? And really another Hant? Why God WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
    I used to worry my ass was going to hell for making fun of these folks. I think I’m pretty safe this season. Plus I’ll be there with chooch and flipit so how bad could it be?

  12. 12
    NikkiHughes
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    @cattyfan: I believe there are 2 (?) people that are 41-ish…..not a lot, but it’s something.

    I’m tired of rehashing all these reality people too, ESPECIALLY since there are hundreds of thousands of people who would love to be on BB and who I’m sure apply every year, but I must say…..the Hantz brothers ARE pretty cute. This one is the cutest one so far. So even though he’s probably a douchebag prick, maybe he’ll turn out to be funny, or at least fun to watch/make fun of. Hopefully.

  13. 13
    Court
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    @juddfan: I agree haha, he looks a hot mess in drag but it gives me hope he’ll be entertaining HOPEFULLY not annoying. He did a spot on Jill Zarin tho lol

  14. 14
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    Yay! Big Brother posts before the shit even gets started! I wish like hell I had been around the Gasm last season. I think Rachel deserved the win. Does that make me a bad person?

    Ooh, and as a member of the LGBT club I have to say there’s possibilities from both sexes for visual enjoyment. Ashley’s “man face”, at least in her promo photo, is strangely appealing to me…go figure. Not usually into big-jugged bleached-blondes with too much makeup.

  15. 15
    NikkiHughes
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    I personally think that the Hantz dude is the cutest guy. I don’t find Shane attractive at all, but all that could change when you see them “in action”, lol. I think Wil has a great face. If he had a shorter cut, I think he would be a cutie patootie. And I’m willing to bet that nerdy guy is probably really cute when his personality gets in the mix. I’M SO FRIGGIN’ EXCITED!! I could literally watch BB every single week of the year!!! <3

  16. 16
    fancyface
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    OMG! I FLOVE those videos!

    He had me @ “Jewels jewels everywhere in my hair & in my stool….LuAnn LuAnn you’re the man, if you can’t do it no one can” I actually think I found out about him through a link posted in one of the recaps on here.

    I’ve been watching everything he’s done every since I saw that one but I must admit I give his black face impressions the side eye. I knew he looked familiar. His Kelly smile is dead on! Here’s to hoping he doesn’t let me down because I think he’s hilarious!

  17. 17
    NikkiHughes
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    OHHHHHHHH MAH GAHHHHHHHHHHHH, I did not even realize that Wil was the one that did that video. I saw that last year and laughed my ass off! CROISSANT, CROISSANT. He is going to be a blast!!!! Whooo Hooo!

  18. 18
    Miss Molly
    Posted July 7, 2012 at 9:53 am

    I was kinda hoping they would bring back Kaysar so I could yell at him again about taking his finger off the button.
    Plus I think there is a box of old “Save Kaysar” buttons that EdHill left around the ‘gasm somewhere.

  19. 19
    Closet Fan
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 10:24 am

    I have not watched since the first couple of shows. Was Mike Boogie from forever ago? I don’t plan on watching now but looking forward to the recaps. This was awesome!

  20. 20
    juddfan
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 10:28 am

    OH Nikki, I’ll save you a seat in hell next to me!!! LOL!!! But I’m happy there’s someone there for eye candy . . . usually, with my taste, there is no one. I agree that Wil is rather attractive too, but I would only want to hang with
    him and drink wine in stemless glasses!!! I hope he’s more fun than annoying . . . I’m pretty sure he’s gotta be!

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