Flipit: From behind, the schlubby Chef likes Will. I’m sure he gets that a lot.
Danny: Ian’s already figured out that Willy is Hantz’ brother! out! Called it.
TheMiki: Ian is awesome.
Flipit: Nerd FTW!
Danny: Hahaha. So glad Russell has taken up 25% of this show that he has absolutely nothing to do with.
Danny: Danielle says she’s a teacher? Big Brother Rule: Whenever someone says they’re a teacher, they’re lying. (And it’s always an unnecessary lie.)
TheMiki: Kindergarten teacher is the go-to fake profession for reality shows
Danny: Yes! High five!
Flipit: Because being a nurse is sooo intimidating! Workin’ on three degrees doesn’t equal having three degrees, bitch. You’re a bimbo until proven otherwise. Brendon is still working on his degree!
TheMiki: I’m working on seven degrees. I’m only taking one class, but it’s Core Humanities…
Danny: Ugh, I hate how Ashley thinks she’s Janelle.
Flipit: I like that she said she’s a mobile spray tanner and no one has a response. LOL! I LOVE BIMBOS
Danny: I hope Ian loses his virginity in the house.
No one buys it when Split Ends Frank says that he’s unemployed. He MUST be hiding something!
Flipit: Yeah, Frank must really be a genius. Just look at him.
Danny: Why do people lie about their jobs?! I never get it. No one cares.
TheMiki: Frank is hiding his kiddie porn collection.
Flipit: I cannot stress this enough. Jenn is Dick
TheMiki: And probably has one. She’s also a DJ, and DJs are the scum of the earth.
Danny: So sad that Jen got shot in the side of her head before entering the house.
Danny: I’m still in shock over Shane’s puka shells.
Flipit: He doesn’t wear deodorant. Pass.
TheMiki: He’s a carpenter! Like Jeebus!
Flipit: He’s gonna stain the back of that couch.
Commercials! But first, Bot reminds us that we’re about to meet the four returning players who will act as coaches!
Danny: I really don’t understand how this “coach” thing is going to work.
Flipit: I know. How do you coach Big Brother? It’s like coaching someone to win a slot machine.
Danny: “You should go talk to this person now.” Like, are they going to tell them how to live in the house? Are they just going to hang out and whisper things into everyone’s ears?
Flipit: “Try to hold onto the giant slippery hot dog as long as you can!” Um thankscoach. If things don’t go your way, cry in the bushes! If you don’t like someone, burn them with cigarettes and threaten to ass rape them like a Donato!
Danny: Does the Dark Knight Rises really think the Big Brother viewing audience is its target market?
Flipit: NASCAR doesn’t have enough in their budget for primetime ads
Danny: Someone REALLY spent some time programming the Chenbot’s excitement matrix this season. Her eyebrows are about to fly off the top of her head.
Flipit: Twelve houseguests. So that means that at some point, the coaches are going to be put in the game to play for themselves. Mark my words!!
Danny: Oh yeah, the coaches are TOTALLY playing. In, like, two weeks.
And we’re back! Who will the returning players be?!?
TheMiki: Not Jessie. Please.
Danny: Big Dan fan here.
Flipit: Hey!! It’s Preacher Dan!!
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