Danny: Shut up, Ian. It’s like playing baseball with a slug.
TheMiki: Strike one against Ian. Britney likes Janelle. Saw that coming.
Danny: Ah, Britney. Let your love of Janelle out.
Flipit: Birds of a plastic surgeon…
Flipit: Janelle? Aging well. Boogie? NOT.
Danny: Mike Boogie looks SO OLD.
Flipit: He looks like Jessica Fletcher
Danny: He looks like the old ghost man who sells Macaulay Culkin a toy in Home Alone 2.
Janelle and Boogie whisper about the obvious Hantz in the house.
Flipit: There’s no getting the Hantz stank off ya, boy!! He’s screwed. Love Boogz and Janelle. Take his ass out.
Danny: Love that Willie is already discovered. These Hantzes act like they don’t all look alike. Willie, you have his FACE and VOICE.
Flipit: And his aura of douche.
TheMiki: I don’t want to come off as a jerk. So I’m just gonna turn my hat around backwards.
Flipit: The Hantz is lying to Preacher Dan about his history. Don’t lie to someone with Jesus on his side! HE CAN SEE THROUGH YOU
TheMiki: Jesus sees your lies. And when you touch yourself at night. Jesus is a bit of a voyeur.
Danny: Why is he saying he’s from Louisiana, when Russell is from Louisiana, but Willie’s info on the screen says he’s from Texas? CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
The coaches get to pick their teams. Britney takes the construction worker dude with the shell necklace.
TheMiki: Britney picks the hottest guy. I would worry if I were her homely husband.
Flipit: Yeah, the gym rat douchebag wins like eighty percent of the time, so good pick.
Boogie takes Frank.
Flipit: Frank? Will not win. Boogie’s gonna form a dork brigade.
Danny: Boogie/Frank team is a horrific spectacle.
Flipit: Boogie votes for who he would be without fashion sense.
TheMiki: Why are the bimbos getting snatched up so fast? Is the first HOH a blowjob contest?
Danny: Bimbos last forever on this show because they do nothing.
Flipit: Brit took Hantz!
Danny: Oh, no. Terrible, terrible pick.
Flipit: Ian goes to Boogie, who’s forming the Big Bang Theory team
TheMiki: Aw. Now I have to root for Boogie’s team.
Flipit: Jen is like Big Ang ten years ago
TheMiki: Britney got team dickbag.
Flipit: Poor chunky people are picked last, of course.
Danny: Old people suck on this show.
TheMiki: Ha! Call them racists!
Flipit: Poor Kalia is last!! Jesus you guys racist much?
TheMiki: I knew you were gonna say that!
Danny: Big Brother RACISM.
Flipit: Casting is mad about Obamacare. Insert boos from the NAACP.
TheMiki: If she goes home first the NAACP will be all up in BB’s shit.
Some typical bot narration is thrown in to explain the rules of the HOH comp.
Danny: REALLY subtle Julie overdub there.
Flipit: Nice, right? I love that her job is still so hard to do. Read cards? OUCH. I’ll just do it from bed and you guys can insert it.
Everyone changes clothes for the comp. The backyard is full of beds. Or something.
Danny: Wait, why are they on giant beds?
Flipit: It’s how most of them were cast.
Danny: Are the coaches just going to do stuff like yell, “Go! Go! Go! Faster!”
Flipit: Yeah I don’t know. But I love Britney so I’m suspending my distrust.
TheMiki: What color is Dan’s team? Porange?
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