How did I even get here?
Brit runs up to the HoH room and starts crying actual tears (not just face scrunching) about how bad she feels for lying to Janelle’s face. Britney should remind herself that most of Janelle’s face isn’t actual face anyway.
Now with 30% post-consumer recycled materials…
Chenbot pops up to tell us we’ll be meeting Ian and Ashley’s families this week, and the Twitter feed at the bottom of the screen reminds me why I don’t have a Twitter or any faith in the human race. I refuse to repeat it, because Twits are like Tinkerbell and if you ignore them they die.
Time for the live interviews. These are always about as exciting as watching paint dry on a half-way house. Frank hard blinks and does a terrible cheer, Jen gets spoken to for the first time ever when Chenbot asks her how it feels to be competing against her coaches. She takes her one chance at air-time to quote Bon Jovi, so let’s go back to ignoring her.
You give love a bad name
We get a montage of Ian’s time living “A Dog’s Life.” He tells Chenbot that he’s having a great time, and it makes me like him. Cause people bitch about how hard Amazing Race is, and they get set to beautiful exotic locations for free. It’s about time someone on a reality show just shut the fuck up and enjoyed themselves.
Shut up and move cheese, gingers! You’re getting a free trip around the world.
Then we get a quick montage of the Ashley/Ian flirting. Then Ian’s mom pops up to tell us that Ian learned to read at 2 and could name all the moons by the age of 3. We see him trying to explain Calculus to Shane, which I’m amazed didn’t make Shane’s brain explode.
Ashley’s mom is up next to tell us that Ashley isn’t a fucking retard, but rather a “Free Spirit.” So, a fucking retard with a bag of magic rocks? That’s way better.
Ashley always looks like she’s trying to do long division in her head…
Ashley’s mom thinks Ian would be much better for her than the hunky jerks she usually dates. We see Ashley give Ian the least erotic massage in the history of time, and her mom compares them to some couple from The Big Bang Theory. I’ve never seen a whole episode of the show, but here’s a visual aid: