Big Brother: And they’re off!

Recaps

By TheMiki | Monday, July 16, 2012 | 5:58 am | 37 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

Hey hey Big Brother fans.  Welcome back for the very first eviction episode of the season.  Last week we learned that the returning players were betting on the winner, and that they were utterly useless as coaches.  Britney’s team won the first HOH comp, and she picked the Hantz to receive the HOH title.  Preacher Dan’s team came in dead last, and he chose the only black person in the entire house to go home before even receiving a key.   ***sad horns***

So, let’s see who Hantzy Pants puts up for eviction, shall we?  If it’s Ian I’ll kill him.  Other than that I don’t care.  I hate all the rest of these idiots pretty equally.

I have a soft spot for the socially inept

 

We start the episode off with Preacher Dan telling us he eliminated Token Black Chick because his other players got along so well and he wanted his team to like each other.  I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that his other two team members were hot bimbos.  One L tells us that the game just got real, setting a new BB record for earliest use of the term, “The game just got real.” 

Okay, I’ll be Charlie and you can be my angels… 

Boogie decides Preacher Dan would make a good ally.  They sit in front of the giant chess board and talk strategy, cause BB is super subtle with the imagery.   Janelle and Britney decide they want to team up too, so it’s boys vs. girls so far as the coaches go.    

 Where’s our giant chess board?  This is sexism!

Hantzy Pants comes out to announce the unveiling of his HOH room.  GirlDick thinks the room is amaze-balls.  Hantz reads a card that says the Coach of the HOH gets their own HOH suite as well.  Woot.  Fascinating stuff, this.

 

Later that night Ian can’t sleep, so he goes wandering around in his pink boxers while from the HOH room Hantz, Janelle, and Britney watch him crawl around and under all the furniture for no discernible reason.  He spanks himself and flexes and generally makes the folks in the HOH room giggle and search for the rape whistles.   Ian makes a big deal out of farting in the kitchen, and Janelle says they need to send him home.

 

There’s your topless mancandy, boys.

Britney calls a meeting between her team and Janelle’s team, and I forgot how much I hate everyone on Janelle’s team except Janelle.  Talk about team freakshow.  Eek.

 

Hantzy Pants admits to the gathering that he’s Russel’s brother.  Jojo isn’t concerned, but Jojo is a Oompah Loompah.  Even the mobile spray tanner is several shades lighter than her.

 

Seriously, Snooki thinks you need to tone down the stereotypes

There’s a lot of gossip about how Dan and Boogie are obviously teaming up with each other, and they have to all stick together to take those fuckers out.  If they’re smart, they’ll put up Dan’s whole team tonight, and then the rest of it next week.  Creepy Old Chef Guy is screaming into the camera about how awesome the alliance is and how they’re gonna take out Dan and Boogie, cause someone didn’t give him the memo that he was mic’d and he thinks he needs to speak loud enough to be heard all across the United States.

 

No I can’t stop talking like this, this is how I talk

 

Outside in the yard, these fascinating motherfuckers sit around and talk about the weather.  Hantzy Pants decides he needs an ally on one of the other teams, so he chooses GingerTits and pulls him up to the HOH room to form the creepiest alliance that could possibly be created without Boogie.  GingerTits agrees and promises not to throw Hantz on the block if he gets HOH.  

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TheMiki
About

I enjoy mocking other people because it's the only thing I'm really good at, and I think we should all use the gifts God gave us.  My childhood was way more fucked up than yours, and yet I'm a fully productive member of society with no criminal record or bastard children.  As such, listening to coked-out hookers whine about their baby-daddies getting arrested and how they live this life cause their mama didn't breastfeed them makes me want to throw furniture at my TV.  When I'm not tearing down people on television I like to paint, write, drink coffee, hike, and make pathetic attempts to play the guitar, because chicks dig a lady with an instrument.

37 Comments

  1. 1
    msjacqmills
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 6:41 am

    This episode was a testament to how shitty a game player Boogie really is and if it wasn’t for Dr. Will Boogie would never have won All-Stars. Why would Boogie choose a team that is already down a player to alliance with? So, now their alliance is already down one member, 5 – 6. Plus, wouldn’t you at least try and form an alliance with the team that is current head of household, so you wouldn’t end up with someone on the block? So now, after the first week, your alliance is guaranteed to be down 4 – 6. What an idiot!

    Also, I thought it was weird/wrong, that they made the coach who won the coach’s competition pick a player as a Have Not – I thought it stood to reason that whatever coach won, their team wouldn’t have to be have nots. So, there’s no competition to determine have-nots? Eh – stupid.

    And, is this going to be a really short season this year? How can there only be 11 players to start off the season? Unless they do a “shake up” and have the coaches turn into regular players playing for the $250,000. Which I hate that idea. I’m tired of pitting old players against new players. I thought making old players coaches and giving them the $100,000 incentive was a great way to bring back past favorites (and douches – hi Boogie!), while letting new meat play a semi-fair game.

    And, I’m with you TheMiki – Team Ian! But, I am bewildered by the fact that I am not completely disgusted by the Hantz. He is so much more tolerable than his troll of a brother. But, I can’t believe he had the stones to put the Ginger up after having just made that alliance with him. I thought that alliance was a stupid move to begin with.

  2. 2
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 7:01 am

    The problem with having returning players is that they overshadow the new kids — the coaches take up too much screentime so we don’t get to see the new ones in action, and having the coaches around makes the new kids act unnaturally — or at least influences the way they behave.

    But yeah, whatcha gonna do?

    I like Jojo the bartender so far. For no real reason. Well, for a couple of reasons. But they’re probably fake. Sigh.

  3. 3
    zerocool
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 7:35 am

    Boogie & Janelle are on bad terms so he knew that was a dead end. And if you look at their clothes, it looks like Boogie and Dan had that convo before Dan lost a player. And I’m not sure Dan was comfortable with that idea truly, he was squirming an awful lot during that pow-wow. Despite all that, I agree completely with msjac because there is no doubt in my mind Boogie is a total idiot.

    Dan’s reason for evicting Jodi to keep the girls friendly with each other wasn’t half-bad. It makes sense to keep his team’s alliance strong. If my opinion sounds biased towards Dan, it is. I love him.

  4. 4
    msjacqmills
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Itchy – you are so right about coaches taking away from seeing what the actual players are bringing to the table this season. Great point.

    zerocool – I have Dan love too, which is why it burns my biscuits to see him saddled in an alliance with Boogie. You’re right, he didn’t seem at all comfortable with agreeing to that alliance, but he was definitely on the spot. And, I know that if Boogie and Dan end up pulling ahead in this game it will have NOTHING to do with Boogie and EVERYTHING to do with Dan. And, I may need to go back and watch the first episode again, because I can’t understand how Dan ended up with such a sucky team.

    I really like Dan, and not just because he is the new millenium doppelganger for my junior high crush, Andrew Ridgley (WHAM! Holla!).

  5. 5
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 8:05 am

    @Zerocool, I’d ALMOST buy Dan’s logic if both Danielle and Kara didn’t mention how much they loved Jodi in the six hours they knew her. Dan is a heterosexual male who let his boner do the deciding, which is not a problem for me, personally, I just wished he would have owned it more in his confessionals.

    @TheMiki, GirlDick is the most awesome nickname EVER. All the nicknames you used are so accurate, including ShoutyChef, which I’m glad you mentioned. He’s this season’s Adam; all awkward and unnecessary. I wish Janelle had lost this week’s first challenge, because he just seems so worthless as a player.

    @Msjacqmills: another testament to Boogie’s awful game play is targeting ShoutyChef and taking GingerTits’ word for the security of his alliance with Hantz2. While what Hantz2 did is not the smartest idea (he didn’t tell Janelle and Britney about his alliance and he also targeted someone he may need help from later in the game), Boogie should have gone to Hantz2 sooner and discussed an underground strategy that Janelle and Britney know nothing about.

    In case anyone is interested, “Rob Has A Podcast” is interviewing all the evicted houseguests. I’m going to listen to his interview with Jodi today to see if she will shed any insight on why she got booted so soon. You can either download it via Itunes or his website.

  6. 6
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Also @Msjacqmills: Dan was the 4th coach to pick, so he ended up with the last person, Jodi, which wasn’t his fault. But what WAS his fault was picking Danielle as his second pick and Kara as his first pick. There was nothing on the aired shows regarding why he chose the teams as such and the live feeds indicate that even the other judges were confused by his picking. So, I’m hoping that after this is over, he’ll explain his terrible two choices.

  7. 7
    considerthis
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Wow that might be the worst / obvious challenge throw in the history of reality TV. Plus one of his team members still got nominated. Well played Dan-O.

    What was the Boogie display / victory celebration? Me thinks Mr. Boogie Man has had any type of “victory” in a looooong time. Threw up in my mouth at the Chilltown Shirt – that was 11 years ago so sad.

    Sorry but not able to get onboard the Ian bandwagon yet. He seems to have this alien like quality to his actions wherein this is his first time of planet earth and he is in sensory overload but still trying to absorb all things thru all senses. Touching everything, Smelling everything (Eww), Tasting everything (dove into the slop), Seeing everything (gotta lose the deer in headlights – bad look for ya), and Hearing everything but yet unable to process. Hey Ian HEAR this – being bizzaro man is endearing in SMALL doses but doesn’t play 24/7 and soon you will FEEL a target on your back while having the bitter TASTE of defeat in your mouth but at least you will get to SEE the Chenbot.

  8. 8
    zerocool
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 8:31 am

    Derek, I said Dan’s reasoning wasn’t half-bad. That means it wasn’t that good LOL. I’m really hoping he’s in it for the long haul and not that he’s screwed the pooch already.

  9. 9
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 8:52 am

    How about this: Suppose Dan assumes they’ll be releasing the coaches as full players, since he’s smart enough to do the math (and Dan’s one of my favorite players).

    Now, suppose the trigger for this will be when one of the coaches has no players left? And maybe being first will give them some kind of special advantage? I don’t believe these people came on to play for “only” 100K.

    Okay, I’m reaching, sure. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt that a newlywed who has found the love of his life is not going to let his dick be led around by these girls. Maybe after he’s been married for a few years… So he has another idea in mind…

    It’s possible he’s just positioning himself behind a team that’s perceived as weak, so he’ll and they will be less of a target?

    All I know is that this episode was seriously lacking in the bikini footage. Grr.

  10. 10
    Philo
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 9:08 am

    What is the over/under on GirlDick mentioning that she was in a platinum record selling rock band? So far we are 2 for 2.

  11. 11
    TinkerbellAPixie TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Dan won by playing a strong social / strategic game, not by being physically strong or good at endurance. I think he may have chose players he thought might be good socially. That’s my only guess. And Jodi, being Harvard educated (if her shirt wasn’t lying) could have been a good strategic player.

    So excited this show is back on – there are two tv seasons, Big Brother season and waiting for Big Brother season. I just wish the recapper didn’t hate the show I love :(

  12. 12
    zerocool
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 9:17 am

    oooh itchy, I hope you are right. If anybody would think like that it would be Dan. He’s usually 10 steps ahead of everyone else. While certain other “coaches” were jacking off in sequester Dan was probably strategizing already thinking what type of player he wanted and which scenario would get him further. Maybe he kept the eye candy/non-threatening players not for himself, but so others would want them to stay.

  13. 13
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 9:30 am

    if they were real Itchy she would have mentioned that…SEVERAL times.

  14. 14
    TheMiki themiki
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 9:33 am

    I’m mostly just disappointed by the lack of effort BB seems to have put into this season. I don’t like the coach thing, because it really does take away from the season’s players getting any airtime. Plus the two challenges thus far have been dull and tame. I want to see an old sheriff with emphysema nearly drown in a pool of caramel, dammit! Not some twats hopping from bed to bed.

    @Derek, I can’t take credit for GirlDick. I believe Flipit was the first to say that in the group chat. I just decided it needed to stick.

    Okay, now that I’m done recapping I can finally go read up on the live feeds. I didn’t want those things tainting my viewing of last night’s episode.

  15. 15
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 9:54 am

    I’m convinced this coaches challenge was specifically designed to humiliate the fuck out of these people. From now on, anytime one of them starts getting a big head, all CBS has to do is whip out the footage.

    We don’t know if Jojo’s real or not because we never actually get to see her speak. Get plenty of footage of Britney, Janelle, Boogie and Dan. But the rest of these idiots? Not so much.

    I don’t think TheMiki hates this show. Big Brother is, after all, the orgasmic in Tvgasm.

  16. 16
    TinkerbellAPixie TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 10:01 am

    It definitely puts the “gasm” in TVGasm. It’s how I found this site back in Season 5 and what brings me back summer after summer.

  17. 17
    TheMiki themiki
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 10:05 am

    I only hate it in a love to hate sort of way. I am really disappointed in this season so far, but we’re only two episodes in. Maybe there will be more awesome to come as the season gets going.

  18. 18
    juddfan
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 10:16 am

    @pixie, we all love the show, doll! Don’t mistake disdain for hate ; )

    Ian, in his walk about the house, and general smallness, makes me think of Roger the Alien on American Dad, only human and much less witty. I realize he’s not that pear shaped, but in those boxers he kind of looks it!

    So far the Hantz is tolerable, and fine to look at, but what is with the over plucked brows all over . . . One L and Hantz in particular. It looked like Hantz was naked in a towel on the couch for a while there . . . that was kinda hot. I thought it was funny some of them didn’t know who Russell was, hee . . . .

    Adam was shouty, but I kinda miss him . . . weird . . . but Shouty Chef really, really, really needs to STFU, not one word he said was worth any of that effort, and perhaps I’m wrong, but can they not hear that shouting outside the diary room. Haven’t there been times people tried to eavesdrop on a normal speaker!?

    I’m also in hate with the releasing of the mentors into the game concept-ugh! I do like me some Janelle, and Brit seems to be liked by all of y’all, but Boogie . . . “Any Questions” . . . ARGH!!!! Janelle should have beat his ass all over the grass . . .

    Ah . . . so great to be back for another season! Hearts and Flowers for everyone!!!

    Oh, and Boogie looks like he hasn’t slept in seven years.

  19. 19
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Boogie . . . “Any Questions” . . . ARGH!!!!

    I want to mention in case anyone missed it or forgot about it, that Boogie told us in the premiere that he is the Best Survivor Player Ever. I did not imagine that.

  20. 20
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Well, I guess I did imagine the Survivor part. He said he was the best Big Brother player ever.

  21. 21
    Pikey
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 11:11 am

    I just read this in the TVGasm Forums (and hope I don’t get in trouble for posting it here):

    A “Big Brother” contestant who vowed never to “boink on camera” to win is accused of screwing her ex out of big bucks.
    So claims former S&M king Anthony Marini, who is suing his ex-flame Ashley Iocco in Manhattan Supreme Court for $820,000.
    “She’s a thief,” charged Marini. “Nobody understands what this girl is doing.”
    Marini, 56, who in the 1990s ran The Vault — a notorious bondage den in the Meatpacking District — cast the 26-year-old buxom blonde as the star of his first feature film in 2010.
    A few months into the shoot, the two began dating.
    But Iocco, after completing just eight scenes for a trailer, bolted to California, causing a $700,000 investor to back out, Marini alleges.
    Iocco, a Pittsburgh native who operates a mobile spray-tanning business in Hollywood, couldn’t be reached for comment.
    But she filed an answer to the complaint in which she denied the charges, including the claim that she and Marini had a binding contract.

    So, I guess she isn’t just a mobile tan operator?

    I am so glad that BB is back! My summer can now begin. Love Dan, hate Booger, indifferent to Janelle and Britney (but confused as to why she was included…)

    Also enjoying Flipit’s and themiki’s recaps! Thanks guys!

  22. 22
    TheMiki themiki
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 11:32 am

    @Pikey — I think you’re safe to post non-spoiler/non live-feed related stuff from the live-feed forums. I just wandered back from reading that same thing and found it pretty funny.

  23. 23
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 11:49 am

    I listened to the Jodi interview and she said something really astute: that, on BB, to be older and to be black are both seen as negatives (especially as first impressions). As both, her perception was that she would go home because Dan felt that he could better maneuver in the rest of the house with Danielle and Kara. She was basically still bitter about how she got evicted, rightfully so, but based on her commentary, she wouldn’t have been Kalia2, she would have been more like Shelly (less the power-smoking).

  24. 24
    considerthis
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Have a feeling we might not seen the last of Jodi. EXPECT the …

  25. 25
    juddfan
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    Forgot to mention,

    “What a tweest! ”

    Is that a Robot Chicken, M. Night reference!!! LOL!!!

  26. 26
    TinkerbellAPixie TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    “Iocco, a Pittsburgh native who operates a mobile spray-tanning business in Hollywood, couldn’t be reached for comment.”

    Sounds like she IS a mobile tanner – I love that they say she can’t be reached for comment….

    And judd, ole buddy, ole pal – it’s Tink, remember me from days of yore? lol

  27. 27
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    I had a little trouble reconciling Jodi’s claim to be a marathoner with her chunkiness. I never look at a plumper and think “there goes somebody who must run marathons.”

  28. 28
    beebs
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    I just wish they had picked a few Southerns that I could understand. The South is way over-represented, and I can’t understand what half of them are saying.

  29. 29
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    @crankyguy, well, in Jodi’s defense, she never said she finished first! :-)

  30. 30
    Gerrit Verstoep
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    @crankyguy – Maybe Jodi meant ‘Marathon Eater’.

  31. 31
    juddfan
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    I remember you all, Pixie!!! I’ve missed you like the extra finger I had removed (kidding) so, so, so happy to be back! Haven’t said much on the live feeds, but I’m following them, and I’m sure I’ll be posting paragraphs before long!

    xoxo Thanks for the call out!

  32. 32
    annie Annie
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    aye aye aye! My mind is spinning…..and it’s only week one!!!!

    All I got is:
    Boog looks like shit, Amber’s a pill princess, Jodi was a sacrifice for bimbos, and Ian’s a loveable nerd

  33. 33
    Robin Robin
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    cityguy,

    “I had a little trouble reconciling Jodi’s claim to be a marathoner with her chunkiness. I never look at a plumper and think “there goes somebody who must run marathons.”

    Perhaps she meant that she “runs AWAY from marathons”. Not judging..

    TC, Robin

  34. 34
    (J)ustPeachy (J)ustPeachy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    I also do not want the coaches released into the game.
    I , too, have a soft spot for Ian.

  35. 35
    Miss Molly
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    Boogie looks like shit. Sheesh – your BFF could fix that face for ya Mike.

    BB loves slippery, gooey, sticky comps. Bless them for it.

  36. 36
    Gina
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    I didn’t think “Boogie” (hate people who give themselves nicknames by the way) could possibly get any uglier but he has. I wanted to smack him after his “Any questions?!”. On how to win a lame fake horse race competition? Um no, we have no questions, you jackass.

  37. 37
    bitchristine
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    People really like Dan?

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