Hey hey Big Brother fans. Welcome back for the very first eviction episode of the season. Last week we learned that the returning players were betting on the winner, and that they were utterly useless as coaches. Britney’s team won the first HOH comp, and she picked the Hantz to receive the HOH title. Preacher Dan’s team came in dead last, and he chose the only black person in the entire house to go home before even receiving a key. ***sad horns***
So, let’s see who Hantzy Pants puts up for eviction, shall we? If it’s Ian I’ll kill him. Other than that I don’t care. I hate all the rest of these idiots pretty equally.
I have a soft spot for the socially inept
We start the episode off with Preacher Dan telling us he eliminated Token Black Chick because his other players got along so well and he wanted his team to like each other. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that his other two team members were hot bimbos. One L tells us that the game just got real, setting a new BB record for earliest use of the term, “The game just got real.”
Okay, I’ll be Charlie and you can be my angels…
Boogie decides Preacher Dan would make a good ally. They sit in front of the giant chess board and talk strategy, cause BB is super subtle with the imagery. Janelle and Britney decide they want to team up too, so it’s boys vs. girls so far as the coaches go.
Where’s our giant chess board? This is sexism!
Hantzy Pants comes out to announce the unveiling of his HOH room. GirlDick thinks the room is amaze-balls. Hantz reads a card that says the Coach of the HOH gets their own HOH suite as well. Woot. Fascinating stuff, this.
Later that night Ian can’t sleep, so he goes wandering around in his pink boxers while from the HOH room Hantz, Janelle, and Britney watch him crawl around and under all the furniture for no discernible reason. He spanks himself and flexes and generally makes the folks in the HOH room giggle and search for the rape whistles. Ian makes a big deal out of farting in the kitchen, and Janelle says they need to send him home.
There’s your topless mancandy, boys.
Britney calls a meeting between her team and Janelle’s team, and I forgot how much I hate everyone on Janelle’s team except Janelle. Talk about team freakshow. Eek.
Hantzy Pants admits to the gathering that he’s Russel’s brother. Jojo isn’t concerned, but Jojo is a Oompah Loompah. Even the mobile spray tanner is several shades lighter than her.
Seriously, Snooki thinks you need to tone down the stereotypes
There’s a lot of gossip about how Dan and Boogie are obviously teaming up with each other, and they have to all stick together to take those fuckers out. If they’re smart, they’ll put up Dan’s whole team tonight, and then the rest of it next week. Creepy Old Chef Guy is screaming into the camera about how awesome the alliance is and how they’re gonna take out Dan and Boogie, cause someone didn’t give him the memo that he was mic’d and he thinks he needs to speak loud enough to be heard all across the United States.
No I can’t stop talking like this, this is how I talk
Outside in the yard, these fascinating motherfuckers sit around and talk about the weather. Hantzy Pants decides he needs an ally on one of the other teams, so he chooses GingerTits and pulls him up to the HOH room to form the creepiest alliance that could possibly be created without Boogie. GingerTits agrees and promises not to throw Hantz on the block if he gets HOH.