Dan’s assholishness was just outed. He’s admitted to everything in the same monotone shout that he uses when he’s happy, sad, exuberant and depressed, so I don’t know how much of a stink he’s made until I see the morbidly depressed look on Ian’s face.
We’re back. Let’s take a moment to watch Ian’s innocence and trust in humanity die. Hold it. Ok let’s move on.
Time for speeches! Ian goes first. He says he is disgusted, DISGUSTED by Dan’s behavior. Let’s just forget that Ian screwed over his alliance and his favorite player to get here. Dan is way worse because he SWORE ON THE BIBLE and his DEAD GRANDPA’S WATCH! You’re only showing how stupid you are, kid. You had the chance at a free gold watch and you blew it.
Self righteousness aside, Ian points out that he won four HOH and 2 vetoes, and Dan barely won anything. Plus, Dan was entrusted with the lives of two bimbos and a mute Jameeka lookalike and could barely keep one bimbo in the game. Ouch. And kinda good point. But he also got two out of four of his team to the end, and you murdered your entire team in cold blood. So….
Personally, I think Ian is as much of a little snake as Dan, but five times as stupid. He does have a secret weapon to get votes tonight, though: a tiny boner.
Instead of pointing out the fact that Ian is a lying SOB too, Dan shouts that he was ruthless because he had to be and we should all check out his books about only being ruthless when you have to be and how God will forgive you if you say his name really loudly three times in a row. Then he goes on to ass kiss the jury, even going so far as to say that Joe is a good cook, which everyone knows is a complete lie. He’s like a shouty robot, and it’s hard to feel anything for him. I am gonna download the audio versions of one of his books just so I can drive around town yelling “PLEASE! FUCKING BE QUIET ALREADY! HI CHELSEA!”
Danielle gives Dan furious looks the whole time he speaks. She isn’t sure why she’s mad yet, so hopefully Dan will have time to tell her during commercial break. It must be hard sitting there not knowing what should be going through her brain right now. Fucking idjit.
When ah fahnd out whah ahm mayad, y’all better watch out y’all!
You’re gonna be sleepin’ like a fish when someone tayells me wha Ahm so mayad y’all! Fish sleep with their ahs open, k?