Big Brother: Questioning Your Balls


By Flipit | | 7:48 pm | 9 Comments
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

She falls down a lot. So does Ian. He compares himself to a drunk girl trying to walk in heels. He’s definitely got the rack for it. Danielle, Shane and Ian are the only ones going for HOH, which says a lot about this year’s cast. Britney’s going for safety, and tells us she’s doing it so she can stay plus play again in next week’s HOH. I hope it’s sliding around on oily surfaces again, cuz she’s kicking ass. She’s finally found a game she can win at. That only took two seasons. She wins safety.

Dan was going for safety, so he has to switch to the race for HOH. Shane is way ahead of him, but this doesn’t mean we won’t have to sit through twenty more minutes of Dan shouting his head off in the DR about how close this thing is. Chef is way behind everyone as usual and says that he’s an Oprah, a big fat O. Um….isn’t she, like, a billionaire? Probably not a good example.

Boogie takes the ten grand easily, as he was the only one going for it. He kisses the gold plastic necklace they gave him and gloats a lot. It’s gross. He’s too busy patting himself on the back to make condescending remarks to women. Thankfully, Brit’s here to step into his shoes. “You’re catchin’ uuuuuuuuup, Danielle! Keep it up!” She sounds completely shocked that Danielle isn’t just lying on the ground bleeding from the head.

Dan hasn’t shouted at us for a minute, so let’s check in with him! “MUCH LIKE IN LIFE, THIS GAME IS NEVER OVER!” Man, Dan’s a fucking idiot. Has he never known anyone who’s died?

Shane has almost finished filling his tank up, and Dan’s not even at the halfway point yet. Still, though, there’s pounding dramatic music for another five minutes. You’ll never believe this one: SHANE WINS!

Who wants to see his HOH room? Frank and GirlDick put bandanas over their eyes and take naps. You guys, the showers are free. No? GirlDick is all teary eyed. She can’t even win a relay race and sports are supposed to be in her blood. If there was one producer who gave a shit about her they’d throw in a softball challenge or something. I don’t know why she’s so upset, exactly, but she’s sweet and I like her, even if it takes me about half an hour every episode to remember she’s even here. She makes herself feel better by crying and eating with her mouth open.

Screen Shot 2012-08-19 At 6.57.30 Pm

Shane is in another hot pink shirt. His family pic is of his dog and his letter is from his sister. He wouldn’t be gayer with a dick in his mouth. GirlDick decides to go upstairs, cuz “Ya gotta show respect.” I have a feeling she’d do very well in prison. Boogie’s also kissing butt, cuz Shane’s sister lives right by where his mom lives! Wowee! “We’re like family, as long as Shane’s HOH!” HAHA. Boogie’s an ass, but he’s a funny ass.

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

9 Comments

  1. 1
    awfuleyebrow
    Posted August 19, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    It’s really great that the BB producers found a practical use for BLK Water. The Laurito/Manson boys finally found their niche market.

  2. 2
    awfuleyebrow
    Posted August 19, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    Oops Manzo! Dang spell check.

  3. 3
    carol
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 12:09 am

    As annoying as Boogie is, he was smart to go for the money. Second place gets $50,000, with their weekly salary of $750 deducted from that. So, Boogie has made as much money as possible without being in the final two. Sort of like that girl who took the money in Glass House, except she was thinking about the numbers, Boogie was just going for easy money.

    I hate this slippery type challenge. It is always so painful to watch. I never understand how they can legally get away with it. It would be so much better if they had a treadmill type thing going in one direction. So you had to actually work/run to get one direction then coast the other way. It would be just as challenging seeing how out of shape some of these players are. There would also be far less injuries. It amazes me every time this challenge appears that there aren’t more players with broken wrists, bruised tail bones, etc.

    When Frank blinks, it is so hard you can almost hear it. Sort of like a cartoon character when they see something not normal.

  4. 4
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 12:30 am

    Kanye to Boogie: “That is some Benjamin Buttons shit!”

  5. 5
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 7:39 am

    @Flipit, as I tweeted you last night, my favorite Joe story was where he said he broke his ass-bone twice. Those stories they cobbled together made me laugh and I enjoyed Joe more last night than I have in previous episodes.

    Does anyone know if the hamsters are contractually obligated to see the HOH’s room? If I don’t like the person, I’d decline to see the HOH room, but I guess that would get me the big asshole edit from Grodner.

    Oh, how I wish Danielle knew that Grace was the name of the biggest fag hag/fruit fly in the history of scripted television. Her lack of awareness about anything related to Shane’s disinterest is amusingly painful to watch. Shane gets stereotypically gayer as the season goes on; but at least it’s not as mind-numbingly awful as watching Jeff dance around the fact that he has no interest in Jordan, unless it’s to make money on CBS reality programs.

  6. 6
    Smango
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Omg your labels of Boogie with pictures are AMAZING. I still chuckle every time I think of the ‘check to see if Grandpa is breathing’ pic.

  7. 7
    Karen Belvin
    Posted August 21, 2012 at 8:47 pm

    Did anyone else hear Ian tell Brit that the “Wizard” told him “How can you vote out someone you have admired since you were 10 years old.!” DR is interfering again!!!!!! Gonna cause me to give up BB altogether.. and I have watched since season one!!!!!

  8. 8
    Lola
    Posted August 23, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    “Wouldn’t be gayer with a dick in his mouth.”. Bahahahaha! I’m totally gonna steal that line!

  9. 9
    Lola
    Posted August 23, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    Do you think if someone tied idiot Frank’s arms to his sides, he wouldn’t be able to talk? He can’t say anything without his palms up.

    And what did he used to do for a living before becoming a bum with a Noonan haircut?

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