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Meanwhile, Britney and Danielle are now shackled together. They have to go to the bathroom together, change next to each other, blah blah blah. This punishment is typically pretty lame and dull, but Britney thankfully adds some levity to the situation by making Danielle lay on the ground while Britney struggles to drag her around the house. It’s actually kind of amusing, as well as a very apt metaphor for Danielle’s position in the game. ZINGED YA, DANIELLE!
Continuing the Parade of Dumb Punishments, Frank takes his chum baths a lot, and it is gross, and whatever, no one cares. Meanwhile, Dan looks like he’s having an absolute meltdown, laying in the middle of the Have-Not room under a blanket, gripping his Bible. The housemates burst in to free him, and he saunters off, his hair standing on end, muttering to himself. Clearly, his plan is to act crazy and pissed off, and he is WAY overselling it.
His next move is to call a house meeting, an always-welcome event on Big Brother, because it always results in lunacy. He sits everyone down and announces this is his Big Brother Funeral. In literally ONE SECOND, both Britney and Shane are WEEPING. You have got to be kidding me, you assholes. Stop it. He’s not actually dead. He’s standing in front of you.
He gives everyone a message. Joe taught him how to be a father, and how to take your Diary Room Yelling Sessions up to level 11. Shane is “walking, living proof there’s a Captain America, and that he’s gay.” (I may have added some parts of that, but we can’t be sure.) Jenn is the first lesbian Dan ever met, and “I want you to know how much you’ve touched me.” Again: she’s gone Big Brother Straight. Then Dan addresses Britney and it just turns into an all-out cry-fest, even though they’re both in the middle of trying to get each other kicked out of the house. He praises Ian, who is also weeping, and Frank is honestly the only person not sobbing right now, which makes me like him a little more. Dan asks Frank if he can apologize to him later, in private, which should be WARNING SIGN NUMBER ONE to everyone that Dan is doing this for show, but no one is smart enough to get that.
And if that wasn’t a big enough sign that Dan’s got something up his sleeves, this should have been the end of the tears for everyone, especially Britney: Dan turns to Danielle and says that she stabbed him in the back, that she knows what she did, and that “in this game you are dead to me.”