Big Brother Recap: A Rigging of Olympic Proportions


Joe grabs Ashley and warns her Wil is seconds away from mutinying against Janelle. Ashley brings Janelle into the conversation, and now we have to watch Joe recount his conversation with Wil in full, which we just saw not THREE MINUTES AGO. Now the producers are just completely telling us, “Fuck you.”

Our 7thsexiest US male Olympian: Sam Mikulak!

Honestly, I can’t tell these white gymnasts apart. This could be a different guy.

Coming up: America’s Vote is REVEALED. What will it be?! The suspense is killing me. Also: @cherrygarcya thinks tonight is going to be “EPIC.” The word “epic” officially commits suicide. And later on “The Talk”, Julie Chen is going to devour LeAnn Rimes LIVE:

When we come back, we finally see the long-awaited (JK) discussion between Wil and Janelle. Will they repair their relationship, that has been strained for a whole 10 minutes?! Will they pull each others’ golden locks and have a slap-fight?! Actually, Janelle just starts crying, dabbing her eyes with a wad of tissue. Because people always just walk around with wads of tissues in their hands. Now, remember earlier when she was telling Britney she never cries? SHE’S FAKING IT NOW! Janelle crows about this in the Diary Room, but I am just so unbelievably sick of her, I can’t even take it. In true Janelle fashion, she goes way too far and starts saying stuff like, “I think you’re the frontrunner to win this game,” which tips Wil off that she’s obviously lying. Cut to Wil in the Diary Room: “Act One, Scene One: Insert waterworks.” His pre-rehearsed Diary Room “jokes” are usually pretty cringe-worthy, but that was all right.

They exchange fake Love You/Love You More! hugs and it’s just nauseating. Meanwhile, Frank and Boogie talk to Dan about getting Danielle to vote for Frank. Danielle may or may not be in the room during this segment; I don’t remember. Also, does it really matter? Can a brainless entity such as Danielle ever be said to truly be in a room?

“I’m sorry, what? I fell asleep for the past 15 days. What’s been going on?”

Anyway, Dan finds Danielle later (“Oh! Hi! …What’s your name again?”) and tells her to work with Frank and Boogie. Which is a smart move, because obviously you want to keep Frank and Shane and Wil all against each other for as long as possible. If you’re a dumb girl in this game, just keep the macho guys in the house, because they’re far too self-absorbed and misogynistic to ever notice you until you’re in the final two and they’re sitting on the jury. Also, let me go on the record and say I FULLY support any plan that hinges on voting Joe out.

The problem, of course, is that Danielle doesn’t want to go against Shane’s wishes, because she looooooves him. Dan gives her a speech about playing the game like a “cutthroat assassin,” which is actually pretty good, especially because it involves him mocking America’s Sweetheart Rachel Reilly by saying, “No one gets between me and my Shane!” Whoa, Pastor Dan! Didn’t know you had a sense of humor!

Danny
About

Born under an ultra-rare "slunar eclipse" (when the moon passes behind the sun), Danny fears he may be the messiah humanity has been promised. Sorry to disappoint everyone, but he's all you've got. His most embarrassing moment came when he carried his wet underwear on the subway in a plastic bag after drunkenly wetting his boyfriend's bed. Follow him on Twitter for really shitty jokes: twitter.com/dgottleib

31 Comments

  1. 1
    Some guy
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    Your recaps are the best part of the show and saves me from watching it. So God give you strength to watch this. As for Big Brother what is the point any game moves you make hey wait reset. Well written shocking is right. I bet any one who saw the show tonight good luck trying to sleep after that ! Please keep watching so I don’t have to.

  2. 2
    KartofflMuter
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 12:27 am

    Glad I don’t watch. As for the Oly Men-If that’s Americas’s best ,I ‘ll wait fot the next crop. Must be global warming.

  3. 3
    fancyface
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 2:01 am

    I just want to know who came up with that shitty ‘Sexist Male US Olympian’ list because I’m questioning your/their taste. Some of the men are CLEARLY out of order & the rest shouldn’t be in any sentence even containing the word sexy. I guess you’re into butta faces heh? Nothing wrong with a hot bod, but you have some dogs on that list. To each their own I guess.

    On the flip side, your recap was still Gold :)

    And oh yea…Fuck off CBS! We’re not dumb & we know what you’re up to. You’ve been fixing this game every since Jordan’s dumb ass ‘won’. You have once again ruined yet another season of what use to be the best game on tv. Brav-fucking-o.

  4. 4
    beebs
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 4:36 am

    Julie’s dress looked like a home-ec project. Not sure I’d say she looked good.

  5. 5
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 5:07 am

    :( I am so disappointed with this twist.

  6. 6
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 5:46 am

    @Danny, in true BB fashion, you have the token brother as one of your Olympic hotties! How come your list doesn’t include the openly gay Tim Daley? I, like @fancyface, wasn’t that impressed with your list, but if you like it, I love it! :-)

    In terms of the episode, I fully expect that the game is rigged, which is why Chima’s meltdown over Jeff’s cout d’etat was so “epic” (thank you, Flipit, for posting that clip again last week!) But there are times when players squander their Grodner power (remember Matt and the Diamond Power of Veto that he used to eliminate Kathy in Season 12?)

    But, let’s be real, if the coaches did not come back into the game, would you really want some combination of Frank or Joe, Kara, and JoJo to come back into the game? As much as the twist is bullshit and basically a replica of Daniele’s coasting the first four weeks of last season (I forget what they called that), I think it’s better ratings-wise for the returnees to play than to see the current season’s returning hamsters get a second chance.

  7. 7
    maria
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 6:24 am

    Why do the producers of these games think we want to see old asshats come back ? Survivor I am talking to you too. Let these people have a chance to play their own game!! This is a stupid twist and I am not looking forward to even watching, but I will becuase nothing else is on. Oh Damn you BB!!

  8. 8
    Philo
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 6:30 am

    Great recap (and thanks for saving me time). I can now delete this show from my DVR.

    Oh yeah – and thanks alot “America” for your vote!

  9. 9
    considerthis
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 6:41 am

    Funny how every tweet that was posted (which I HATE tweets posted on my TV with a red-hot passion) prior to the big shocking annoucement that coaches could vote to re-enter was supportive of coaches re-entering. @getalife – Geez I have my fingers crossed that the coaches come back #loveBB

    Wierd how Boogie had no qualms about taking the lion’s share of the 10K (nice burn Chen) but when it came to turning 100K into 500K he said NO DEAL. Does he has Genital Warts on his brain? OR Does he realize what a lame ass hated player he is and his days are numbered?

  10. 10
    begonia skies
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 7:27 am

    totally agree with nathan adrian at #1. i’d towel him off after he gets out of the pool anyday.

  11. 11
    Chicken Lips
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Ugh. The only way this season can redeem itself is it a noob wins HOH and puts two coaches on the block. But you know that’s not what will happen because.

    And I really do believe that America voted and America wanted the coaches in the game. What they didn’t tell you is that when they say “America” they meant America, the craft services lady that makes muffins for the crew.

    You silly things – did you actually think that they meant “America” to mean the general viewing population? That would just be ridiculous.

  12. 12
    Chicken Lips
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 8:14 am

    Ha – need to lay off the booze before noon (though it IS 5:00 somewhere). I was saying that a noob won’t win and put up two coaches because we’ve all been very bad humans and this is the universe’s way of getting back at us.

  13. 13
    sweetblondie
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 8:28 am

    The fact that you find those men to be the hottest US olympians is way more controversial than the “twist”.

    Lady Necklace the only exception. *drool*

  14. 14
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 8:57 am

    I agree CL. That’s the only way to make this interesting. TAKE THE GAME BACK NEWBIES!!!

  15. 15
    hot cawfee
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 9:03 am

    @9 Consider– I vote the latter. Mike Boogie is sooooo cringy-worthy. He always has been from his first season on the show. Does anyone remember the bumpkin he “proposed” to from Louisiana?? The girl not Doc. Will–dermaltologist to the home shopping channels.

  16. 16
    zerocool
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 9:34 am

    I must take exception to the naysayers on how hot the Olympians are. I say a big thank you because they are all delicious.

    I would love to see a tweet like this: this twist blows and so does Janelle!

  17. 17
    LOSTbean LOSTbean
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Holy crap-I just saw the video of Sid Vicious’ ankle fracture!!!

  18. 18
    juddfan
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Danny, I’m right with ya, and I didn’t even see this! My DVR was smart enough to reject it wholly and tape PR and the Olympics instead (I am sooooo frikkin livid at the frikkin coverage of the gymnastics, GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!)
    I hate feeling manipulated, and that episode smacked of it soooo heavily!!!

    As to your list, what are these people complaining about . . . sigh . . . myself, I prefer a real man, with some heft to him, but if I had to choose from these younglings, I think you got a pretty good slice. Danell to me is a Greek God, tho I guess he’s a Cuban God, really. So very sexy, esp for a gymnast. Sam and Jake are also very cute. Agree on the Douche factor for Lochte, and your winner, I haven’t seen, but I’ve heard him mentioned before. I’m sure if we all dug more there’d be a whole new crop of cuties in running, and jumping and discus etc.

    I’ll get over the twist if Janelle eliminates Boogie right now . . . then chef . . . I cannot fucking stand that chef douche one more second, I have trouble watching these episodes I’m so overwhelmed with hate and discust. I also can’t believe this turned in his favor–I just can’t!

  19. 19
    Pikey578
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 11:51 am

    I, like many, do not like this twist but am happy that everyone got to play for HOH and that nobody was eliminated. I still love me some Dan and would like to see both him and Ian as final two. Then I don’t care who wins between the two. Great recap – you captured the feeling of the show perfectly!

  20. 20
    fancyface
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    @Beebs….Completely agree! Julie’s stylist should be fired based on that yellow monstrosity alone.

    BBUK is rigging the game so the worst person in the UK can win & now Grodner is fucking up BB again. My BB summer is officially over! *turns on computer to see who’s evicted from bbuk tonight*

  21. 21
    itchy itchy
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    The PAs at the BB studios were working overtime signing up for twitter accounts under new names so they’d have at least a couple of positive twits to flash on the screen about this stupid stupid twist.

    And yeah, basically the entire past week of BB was a complete waste of time.

    This show sucks. Thankfully I leave on vacation next week and ordinarily I’d try to keep up with the show, but this year, I just won’t bother.

    Fuck you, CBS!

  22. 22
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    No Matt Grevers? Hmmmmmm…..

  23. 23
    considerthis
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    God Bless the USA and God Bless you Danny for re-capping this crapfest.

    On additional thought, rather than or in addition to , putting sharks in the water they should also have cannons loaded with cow dung aimed at the contestants to be shot off at random intervals. Now that’s an HOH competition.

    I am now entertaining myself by speculating on ways Allison will have to make it appear legit as she is contractually obligated to keep the coaches ooops I mean new players safe until the final 4.

  24. 24
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    @Considerthis, well, I’m sure there will be numerous Pandora’s Boxes, coup d’etats, diamond powers of veto, co-veto holders (remember that bullshit to keep Rachel in the game with Jordan last season?), and any other bullshit she came come up with to screw over the New people, like she did last season.

  25. 25
    annie Annie
    Posted August 3, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    sooooo beyond pissed at CBS right now. Sure, the past few seasons have been shady and crappy but this takes the cake. WHAT was the point of the past 3 weeks, or Shane’s (nearly EPIC) HOH week?

    This is awful, I don’t even give a shit about the rest of the season because some Vet will win AGAIN, and CBS has proven they’ve fixed the show….how can I even trust the rest won’t be the result of some shady bullshit?

  26. 26
    itchy itchy
    Posted August 4, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Annie, you can trust that whatever happens WILL be the result of shady bullshit. That’s what Big Brother has become, after all. Just more celebrity whoreism. Survivor too for that matter.

  27. 27
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted August 5, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Wow. I’m astounded that I’m the only person (it seems) around here who LOVES this episode, the twist, and Boogie/Frank (and a few others…NOT the chef who never learned about having an “inside voice”).

    Oh, well. Hopefully things progress and everyone starts to feel better about this season.

  28. 28
    itchy itchy
    Posted August 5, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Speaking of scantily clad athletes…I take it we’ll have to wait for TheMiki to post the gals version?

  29. 29
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted August 5, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    What I hate most is all the hugging…why are they ALWAYS hugging?

  30. 30
    bitchristine
    Posted August 6, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Agreeing with others. Can’t we just watch a fuckin’ new show with new people. Do they think we really need to be spoon-fed former players. Big fuckin’ deal:

    a big-titted blond who once has a snazzy quip 7 years ago,
    a bible bashing loud-mouthed dorky junior high football coach,
    some douchey, coat-tail riding, egomaniac from NH that inexplicably has restaurant success in LA
    a snarky player that got duped last season

    Just put new people in game and stop trying shove these former tools down our throats. I’m surprised that they didn’t bring that Evil Dick back this year because he only played one show last season.

    And of course “America” was going to vote the coaches back in because unlike the small majority that likes to rail on these dickbag producers and players, the rest of “America” you know are a bunch of raging, uneducated sheep that have no barometer for quality. Of course they were going to vote the coaches back in.

  31. 31
    AndrewS
    Posted August 18, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Go back to superpass on 8/18/2012 12:06pm Frank explains how BIG BROTHER Riggs it. The Production gave him a POV chip with House guess choice. He palms it puts it into bag and pulls it out. LAME!!!!!

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