Danielle, I should note, is actually losing her mind. Her Diary Room interviews become more and more unhinged, as she helplessly sobs, mascara tears streaming down her cheeks. “I feel. So. Bad,” she says. “That’s why we make a good team! Because I don’t,” Dan brainwashes her.
(And now, forgive me for the next onslaught of photos, but we’re running out of time with Danielle, who is TRULY a gift to the Screencap Gods, so let’s celebrate her.)
THE SEVEN STAGES OF BACKSTABBING DANIELLE
STAGE ONE: Anger.
STAGE TWO: Depression.
STAGE THREE: Shock.
STAGE FOUR: Desperation.
STAGE FIVE: Existential crisis.
STAGE SIX: Oaths of vengeance.
STAGE SEVEN: Acceptance.
Gradually, Danielle starts returning to the fold, as we all knew she would. They share a couple laughs together, and in the Diary Room she is already blaming herself: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you. Fool me three times, I’m a dumbass,” she says, while we see her laughing with Dan, clearly getting ready to fool her a fourth and final time.
Ian is also losing his mind, pacing around the house and repeating phrases to himself, like, “What, what, what, what, what,” and, “If you want to be the best, you have to beat the best. If you want to be the best, you have to beat the best.” Then we cut to Danielle, hair now a mess, sobbing, “I’m a bad, bad person.”
You guys: THIS HAS TURNED INTO AN ACTUAL HORROR MOVIE. This is now a show about two normal, nice people who are locked in a house with an evil sociopath, who has completely broken them. Any minute now, a swarm of locusts is going to burst from Danielle’s mouth.
DEATH DESCENDS UPON THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE.
In the Diary Room, Danielle tells us that she doesn’t trust Dan and that she’s just putting on a smile so he doesn’t think she no longer trusts him, which is so much bullshit. We know you’ll do whatever he wants.
Meanwhile, Ian has acquired a drinking problem:
Isn’t he, like, 17?
Thus ends our fun, as we return from commercials to see a table set up with a breakfast, our standard location for the final three houseguests to sit around and read producer-supplied prompts to segue into prepackaged flashback clips from the past three months. Great!
Dan proposes a toast as Danielle glares at him over her mimosa, trying and failing at her best Glenn Close in Fatal Attractionimpression.
“I have poisoned one of these mimosas. Good luck.”