Big Brother Recap: American Horror Story

Recaps

By Danny | Sunday, September 16, 2012 | 9:36 pm | 14 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

Danielle, I should note, is actually losing her mind. Her Diary Room interviews become more and more unhinged, as she helplessly sobs, mascara tears streaming down her cheeks. “I feel. So. Bad,” she says. “That’s why we make a good team! Because I don’t,” Dan brainwashes her.

(And now, forgive me for the next onslaught of photos, but we’re running out of time with Danielle, who is TRULY a gift to the Screencap Gods, so let’s celebrate her.)

THE SEVEN STAGES OF BACKSTABBING DANIELLE

STAGE ONE: Anger.

STAGE TWO: Depression.

STAGE THREE: Shock.

STAGE FOUR: Desperation.

STAGE FIVE: Existential crisis.

STAGE SIX: Oaths of vengeance.

STAGE SEVEN: Acceptance.

Gradually, Danielle starts returning to the fold, as we all knew she would. They share a couple laughs together, and in the Diary Room she is already blaming herself: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you. Fool me three times, I’m a dumbass,” she says, while we see her laughing with Dan, clearly getting ready to fool her a fourth and final time.

Ian is also losing his mind, pacing around the house and repeating phrases to himself, like, “What, what, what, what, what,” and, “If you want to be the best, you have to beat the best. If you want to be the best, you have to beat the best.” Then we cut to Danielle, hair now a mess, sobbing, “I’m a bad, bad person.”

You guys: THIS HAS TURNED INTO AN ACTUAL HORROR MOVIE. This is now a show about two normal, nice people who are locked in a house with an evil sociopath, who has completely broken them. Any minute now, a swarm of locusts is going to burst from Danielle’s mouth.

 

DEATH DESCENDS UPON THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE.

In the Diary Room, Danielle tells us that she doesn’t trust Dan and that she’s just putting on a smile so he doesn’t think she no longer trusts him, which is so much bullshit. We know you’ll do whatever he wants.

Meanwhile, Ian has acquired a drinking problem:

Isn’t he, like, 17? 

Thus ends our fun, as we return from commercials to see a table set up with a breakfast, our standard location for the final three houseguests to sit around and read producer-supplied prompts to segue into prepackaged flashback clips from the past three months. Great!

Dan proposes a toast as Danielle glares at him over her mimosa, trying and failing at her best Glenn Close in Fatal Attractionimpression.

 

“I have poisoned one of these mimosas. Good luck.”

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Danny
About

Born under an ultra-rare "slunar eclipse" (when the moon passes behind the sun), Danny fears he may be the messiah humanity has been promised. Sorry to disappoint everyone, but he's all you've got. His most embarrassing moment came when he carried his wet underwear on the subway in a plastic bag after drunkenly wetting his boyfriend's bed. Follow him on Twitter for really shitty jokes: twitter.com/dgottleib

14 Comments

  1. 1
    Pikey578
    Posted September 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    “Apparently Mike Boogie once read the Bible in the house. We learn this through a 5-minute clip of Mike Boogie reading the Bible, and then other people expressing amazement at the fact that Mike Boogie is, in fact, reading the Bible.” I have to admit that Boogie reading the Bible didn’t surprise me – the fact that Boogies knows how to read surprised me! I hate the recrap shows as well – totally boring. I would prefer that they show us plebes footage that the feed watchers saw that wasn’t shown on the regular show. But who am I to question Big Brother… Looking forward to the finale and the final recap for this year!

  2. 2
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 3:50 am

    Well, I give Boogie credit for reading out one of the many passages underscoring the hypocrisy of these make-believe-believers competing with each other to do exactly what their “holy” book tells them they shouldn’t do.

    And that, I hope, is that last time I ever have to show my appreciation for him. Ever.

  3. 3
    alicecarroll13
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 6:45 am

    well this was a wasted hour gone of our lives….they should have done the whole hoh thing instead!!!!

  4. 4
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 6:47 am

    “Every fisherman knows you have to slam your fish into a brick wall after you catch it.”

    I’d rather see Gollum beat them on a rock.

  5. 5
    Parisi LaRoe Parisi LaRoe
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 6:56 am

    That picture of Danielle with her mouth dropped about 50 feet creeped me out. It was great! You chose the perfect picture for it too. Great recap!

  6. 6
    Philo
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Danny,

    Many thanks for gift-wrapping this turd of an episode (and season). I saved so much time this summer reading recaps instead of watching the actual show.

  7. 7
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:10 am

    “I saved so much time this summer reading recaps instead of watching the actual show.”

    I wish I were smart enough to do that and break free. Instead, I watch all three episodes every week and even some BBAD as well. That, like our excellent recapper has suggested, makes me no different than Danielle and Grodner is my Dan.

  8. 8
    zerocool
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:10 am

    My DVR only taped the second half of this episode. I was going to watch what I missed on cbs’s website, but thanks to your recap I don’t need to waste my time. It was very, very annoying to watch the same clips we saw before.

  9. 9
    CrazyTrain CrazyTrain
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Actually, i HAD forgotten willie and froot loopgate. So thanks CBS for putting back into my memory!!!

  10. 10
    juddfan
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 10:23 am

    “Take it, you whore.”

    You are a better whore than me, Danny . . . I zipped the whole thing with my mouth hanging open like the “horror” shot of Danielle . . .

    Willie was kind of hot, but boy was he a Hantz . . . wonder if he’ll be at the reunion, and if so, I doubt he will redeem himself . . .

  11. 11
    labowner
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Threadjack – that chick in the blue reminds me of the annoying Julia from Miss Advised.

  12. 12
    Flipit Flipit
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Just a reminder that no spoilers are allowed in comments. Go to the forums to talk about results! :)

  13. 13
    Willroast Willroast
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 11:51 am

    The sociopath you refer to in this recap is Danielle, right? That fug skank is the worst of them all.

  14. 14
    JasonR
    Posted September 18, 2012 at 7:33 am

    Amazing you were able to even fashion a recap out of this. Even more amazing that from an entire goddamn summer with every minute in the house being taped, if there were going to give us a clip show they couldn’t bother to give us ALL previously unseen footage? Lazy, lazy lazy. Grodner just continues to show contempt for her audience. But then again, I come back every summer, the same way I come back to my beloved NJ Devils after every strike or lockout. Enabler that I am.

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