Big Brother Recap: American Horror Story

Recaps

By Danny | Sunday, September 16, 2012 | 9:36 pm | 14 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

“Hey, remember the Quack Pack?” Danielle basically asks. FLASHBACK. Ugh. Who cares about reliving this?! We learn from a NEW, VERY EXCITING SCENE that Britney accidentally bestowed the name Quack Pack upon America by sarcastically suggesting it as a terrible alliance name, which the rest of the morons eagerly lapped up. Well, now that we know the horrible name is actually an ironic name from our beloved Britney, I’m not quite sure how to feel. My axis has shifted. Let’s move on. 

Do we want a flashback of when the coaches walked into the house? No? Well, too bad, we’re getting it! Back in real time, everyone agrees they were nervous about Janelle. This is very interesting, because, as we all know, Janelle proved to be a fierce competitor who made it very far in this season and was just a total mastermind. Right? Ugh. 

We get an extended version of the scene with Janelle and Britney discussing the fact that Janelle never shows emotions. Remember that boring scene from 2 months ago? Well, now we get EVEN MORE of it! We are so blessed, you guys.

Uh oh, hold the phone, it’s time for some Bible talk! Apparently Mike Boogie once read the Bible in the house. We learn this through a 5-minute clip of Mike Boogie reading the Bible, and then other people expressing amazement at the fact that Mike Boogie is, in fact, reading the Bible. Guys: relax. This is literally the opposite of interesting news.

 “You know, I knew the guy who wrote this.”

Back to real time: “Remember when Britney was on the block and she had to blow off some steam, so she threw stuff around the house?” Dan asks. WHAT A NATURAL SENTENCE FOR A HUMAN TO CASUALLY SAY OVER MIMOSAS.

FLASHBAAAACK. Britney is throwing things in the kitchen. It’s kind of funny, but I refuse to smile out of protest for this bullshit episode. Frank gives her his stupid teddy bear to beat up. She beats it up, violently. I smirk a little, because Britney is fun. Case in point, her breakdown involved playing the stab-a-knife-between-your-fingers game, and it was terrifying and funny:

Truly a house of nightmares. 

Remember Willie vs. Frank? Of course we do! Who could ever forget Froot Loopgate! They play us the extended version of the argument, which is like 5 minutes long, and honestly what is the fucking point of this? Frank and Willie are screaming nuanced details at each other about who stabbed whom in the back, and they are laying out strategies involving, like, Janelle and Jojo. Um, who? What is the point of this? The only reason I would want to see this is to gain some more insight into why Froot Loops became an integral part of the argument, but nothing more is brought to light on that end. It’s just as mysterious as it was when we saw it three months ago, only now we’ve seen this stupid argument twice, and we are all that much closer to our deaths. Thanks, CBS.

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Danny
About

Born under an ultra-rare "slunar eclipse" (when the moon passes behind the sun), Danny fears he may be the messiah humanity has been promised. Sorry to disappoint everyone, but he's all you've got. His most embarrassing moment came when he carried his wet underwear on the subway in a plastic bag after drunkenly wetting his boyfriend's bed. Follow him on Twitter for really shitty jokes: twitter.com/dgottleib

14 Comments

  1. 1
    Pikey578
    Posted September 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    “Apparently Mike Boogie once read the Bible in the house. We learn this through a 5-minute clip of Mike Boogie reading the Bible, and then other people expressing amazement at the fact that Mike Boogie is, in fact, reading the Bible.” I have to admit that Boogie reading the Bible didn’t surprise me – the fact that Boogies knows how to read surprised me! I hate the recrap shows as well – totally boring. I would prefer that they show us plebes footage that the feed watchers saw that wasn’t shown on the regular show. But who am I to question Big Brother… Looking forward to the finale and the final recap for this year!

  2. 2
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 3:50 am

    Well, I give Boogie credit for reading out one of the many passages underscoring the hypocrisy of these make-believe-believers competing with each other to do exactly what their “holy” book tells them they shouldn’t do.

    And that, I hope, is that last time I ever have to show my appreciation for him. Ever.

  3. 3
    alicecarroll13
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 6:45 am

    well this was a wasted hour gone of our lives….they should have done the whole hoh thing instead!!!!

  4. 4
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 6:47 am

    “Every fisherman knows you have to slam your fish into a brick wall after you catch it.”

    I’d rather see Gollum beat them on a rock.

  5. 5
    Parisi LaRoe Parisi LaRoe
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 6:56 am

    That picture of Danielle with her mouth dropped about 50 feet creeped me out. It was great! You chose the perfect picture for it too. Great recap!

  6. 6
    Philo
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Danny,

    Many thanks for gift-wrapping this turd of an episode (and season). I saved so much time this summer reading recaps instead of watching the actual show.

  7. 7
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:10 am

    “I saved so much time this summer reading recaps instead of watching the actual show.”

    I wish I were smart enough to do that and break free. Instead, I watch all three episodes every week and even some BBAD as well. That, like our excellent recapper has suggested, makes me no different than Danielle and Grodner is my Dan.

  8. 8
    zerocool
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:10 am

    My DVR only taped the second half of this episode. I was going to watch what I missed on cbs’s website, but thanks to your recap I don’t need to waste my time. It was very, very annoying to watch the same clips we saw before.

  9. 9
    CrazyTrain CrazyTrain
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Actually, i HAD forgotten willie and froot loopgate. So thanks CBS for putting back into my memory!!!

  10. 10
    juddfan
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 10:23 am

    “Take it, you whore.”

    You are a better whore than me, Danny . . . I zipped the whole thing with my mouth hanging open like the “horror” shot of Danielle . . .

    Willie was kind of hot, but boy was he a Hantz . . . wonder if he’ll be at the reunion, and if so, I doubt he will redeem himself . . .

  11. 11
    labowner
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Threadjack – that chick in the blue reminds me of the annoying Julia from Miss Advised.

  12. 12
    Flipit Flipit
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Just a reminder that no spoilers are allowed in comments. Go to the forums to talk about results! :)

  13. 13
    Willroast Willroast
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 11:51 am

    The sociopath you refer to in this recap is Danielle, right? That fug skank is the worst of them all.

  14. 14
    JasonR
    Posted September 18, 2012 at 7:33 am

    Amazing you were able to even fashion a recap out of this. Even more amazing that from an entire goddamn summer with every minute in the house being taped, if there were going to give us a clip show they couldn’t bother to give us ALL previously unseen footage? Lazy, lazy lazy. Grodner just continues to show contempt for her audience. But then again, I come back every summer, the same way I come back to my beloved NJ Devils after every strike or lockout. Enabler that I am.

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