Back in real time, Danielle is all, “Remember when Willie fought Joe?” NO, NO MORE WILLIE FIGHT FLASHBACKS, I CAN LITERALLY FEEL MY HAIR TURNING GRAY. But yes, we are launched back to re-watch the Willie-gets-kicked-out scene, which is just as anticlimactic as it was the first time around. I’m very happy we have spent nearly 10 minutes of primetime watching Willie Hantz flashbacks.
Remember Danielle and Shane? Of course we don’t, because we’re all braindead idiots. Remember Ian and Ashley’s date? Do you want to re-watch the scene where he explains the difference between organic and inorganic chemistry? No? Too bad, because we are all trapped. The psychological mind games Dan has played that broke Ian and Danielle earlier this episode seem to have been employed by the producers themselves, on the American public. I am trapped watching this nightmare of a show. If you could see me right now, I look exactly like Danielle, sobbing, “I am a bad, bad person,” on my couch as mascara runs down my face.
Anyway, remember how Ian yelled at Frank? “You deserve to watch this again, because you are a dirty worthless slob and no one will ever love you,” CBS says to me. “Take it, you whore.” I watch it through my tears.
Remember Dan’s Funeral? I watch it again in its entirety, as penance for that time I let a friend cheat off a test in high school.
“Hey guys, remember when I made this face all season?”
We survived! Are we all sufficiently brainwashed? Are we all trying not to think about the uncomfortable idea that the “Big Brother” in the title is not referring to the control of the people we see in the house, but rather the control of our minds in the audience? Have we all accepted the irony that, by agreeing to watch a group of prisoners for three-plus hours a week for three months every year, it is us, in fact, who have become the prisoners?
Good. Let’s wrap this up, then. The houseguests go into the backyard, which is decorated like a pond, with three giant fishhooks. The final three sit on the large fishhooks and settle in for the endurance competition, as they are repeatedly dunked in a pond and slammed into a brick wall (just like real fishing!). We go to credits.
Every fisherman knows you have to slam your fish into a brick wall after you catch it.
Come back Wednesday night for the 90 minute season finale, and then, maybe then, I will finally sleep without nightmares.
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