We open tonight’s Big Brother with Joehawk yelling in the diary room. Unless it’s an apology for wearing a fauxhawk, yelling at me, or grossing me out with your tampon string facial hair, I’m not interested. Shhhh. Just shhhhh.
He says that he’s not gonna be beat so easily! “Pack a lunch America, cuz we’re goin ta WORK!” Your work or mine? Cuz I’m sure whichever Denny’s was too lazy to check Megan’s list before hiring your skeezy ass has food we can eat.
Dan isn’t on the block, which has Hick Nurse Desperate Danielle excited that they can trust their new alliance. He knows that Frank would be totally stupid to not want him gone, so he’s worried. What does Dan do when he’s worried? He yells and mouth breathes in the diary room while I stare at his face and wonder what percentage of it is afflicted by the obvious Downs in the family tree.
Dan is paranoid. Boogie and Frank are talking about how they want to get rid of One L Wil because he had the nerve to give them attitude while they are in power. The horror!! Wil is kind of a bitch, but who cares? He can’t win comps to save his life and the only threat he poses is that your eardrums might burst when his nasal whine of a voice pierces through the house. Let him be. He’s obviously got a true c word inside of him and I’d like to see it flourish.
Wil, of course, can’t concentrate on the disaster coming his way because he’s focused on the disaster atop his head.
How many pounds of weave are you allowed to bring into the house? You know he’s smuggling shit in with that thing. No one carries that much weight on their head just cuz. I’m guessing he’s holding Xenadrine and poppers. Discuss. And while we’re in discuss mode, we’ve called Frank a lot of things: Carrot Top, Richard Simmons, etc., but looking at him now I can’t help but think he looks like Flo from Alice without makeup.
Frank meets Chef Yell in the pantry to dangle the possibility of safety in front of him. Chef just nods and sweats and promises not to mess anything up. Frank tells us that Chef is like a drunk girl at prom: she’s gonna make a mess, just make sure it’s not on your shoes. And if you make a mess, do it into a condom and not straight into her or she’ll get pregnant and the baby will be a hybrid of two seriously fug faces.
If they would just post this pic at the prom entrance, no one would bone.