Good news: Hayden has gotten rid of the evil mushroom from Mario Bros hair. Bad news: He’s replaced it with Randy Travis’ rug.
The guys rag on the stupid name Quack Pack, call Dani a psycho stalker, and Shane a gay guy. Enzo pleads for someone to force Dan to shave his creepily hairy arms. LOL!! Lane says he wants to put Ian in his fanny pack (of course he has a fanny pack) and whip him out at restaurants to figure out the tip for him. Hilarious. Were these guys as entertaining in their own season? Cuz I don’t remember that part. I just remember banging my head against the desk a lot and yelling WHYYYYYYY?!?!?
Back to eviction night. Chenrietta Lacks interviews Shane in the HOH room. She asks wtf he was thinking when he took Dan off the block, and Frank hard blinks and says that his daddy was mean during his childhood and he’ll keep putting blind trust in men that don’t deserve it until he finds one that let’s him stay in his basement until he’s employed. AW! Poor guy. She asks if he’s seriously considering staying true to Dan, and he says that he is genuine until he senses that Dan is more serious about his wrestling career than fatherhood, in which case he’ll dump him and start over. Again.
Save Me Speeches: Dani baby talks about how she once got thrown from the car as an infant and grew up with scoliosis and halitosis so please save her. Brit, in her bad little girl dress, smiles and says “I don’t have the time or the ego to host my own funeral, so do what’s good for you.” HAHAH! Don’t leave me! She ends with “As a wise man once said, you’ll always be Judas to me!” Snapple: Invoking Old Ass Jerry Flavor! Go Britney! Go Britney! Go Britney!
No one but me laughs. The audience gasps. Dan’s a hero now, Britney! She rolls her eyes and shrugs “It was supposed to be funny.” Don’t worry, I’m sure Jerry’s laughing somewhere. Is he still with us? Onto the vote!
The only one to vote to keep Britney is Ian!! Dammit Shane, you had to save that hag Dani!!! Some gay guys just can’t survive without a homely straight chick following them around and telling them they’re talented. By the way, I’d like to take this time to thank the homely straight girls who follow me around and tell me I’m talented. Without you, I wouldn’t survive. xo
Hey girl hey! Lunch?
Fortunately, Shane’s shitty vote sets up the fun night I’m gonna have when Dani votes him out in order to keep her hero, Dan. Yay for the future! Brit tells Cheniqua Tompkins that she knows it’s just a game, but she still hates Dan with all her heart and hopes he dies of something really painful. She does hand it to him, though. “He flipped the whole house in an hour and used a Bible to do it!” The audience gasps, as if someone using a Bible to control mindless idiots was a new concept.