Is this challenge over yet? We’ve been watching people hang onto a boat for, like, half an hour. Good lord. Everyone looks miserable, except Danielle, who is casually hanging there with her hands in her pockets, which is kind of more badass than I expected from Danielle. Janelle jumps off at the three-hour mark, trusting Britney to win. So all that’s left are Danielle, Britney, and Ian’s nipples.
We get a lot of Diary Room sessions explaining that the game has changed now that the coaches are regular players. OH REALLY? TELL US MORE. And then we go to commercials, during which I learn there is an app called the “Big Brother Cornhole Game,” which is just too horrible an image to even process.
Back in the challenge, Shane promises Danielle another kiss if she wins, which is kind of gross and a little insulting? Since Danielle is a smitten idiot, though, this makes her swoon. Ian is struggling, so he tries to strike up a deal with Britney and Danielle. Ha! I love when people who are obviously going to lose endurance challenges try to strike a deal. You don’t have a chance, dude. Jump off and hope they won’t nominate you. As Ian tells Danielle, “I won’t put you up!” Dan comes storming over and gives a massive Braveheart speech: “YOU SET THE DEAL, YOU DON’T TAKE THE DEAL,” he demands, pacing back and forth in front of the boat and pounding his chest like a deranged soccer mom. “YOU WANT TO WIN THIS GAME? IT STARTS NOW,” he shouts. Actually, Dan, for her it started a month ago, but thanks for catching up.
“LOUDNESS EQUALS INSPIRATION!”
Oddly, no one makes fun of this overdramatic speechifying. Does Dan do this a lot and they’re just used to it? Meanwhile, people start to notice that Frank and Boogie have retreated inside, presumably for some make-out time. Boogie tells Frank that he was going to lose tonight, and that Danielle and Wil were both going to flip and vote for Joe to stay. “We ride or die,” says Boogie, and let me remind you that this man is 42 YEARS OLD.
Ian finally falls off the ship after both girls promise him he won’t get nominated. Then Britney tells Danielle, “I love you,” and jumps off, giving Danielle the Head of Household. Dan immediately sprints out and grabs Danielle in a Dirty Dancing pose, which, again, is really overdramatic. Relax, Dan. It’s Big Brother. But things take a turn for the worse when Shane sprints out, throws Danielle in the water, and starts making out with her in front of everyone. It looks VERY sincere.
Danielle: “I love you!”
Shane: “I love the sense of relief you’re giving my mom!”
“I hate hate hate hate that Danielle is the HoH this week,” whines Mike “Boogie” Malin, a 42-year-old washed-up reality star, stomping around the house like a child on his way to being grounded. Boogie brags that he only learned “this chick’s” name three days ago, which makes him look SO COOL, right?! This guy has only become more odious since he first appeared on TV 10 years ago.