Big Brother Recap: He’s Just Not That Into You

Recaps

By Flipit | Wednesday, September 12, 2012 | 7:51 pm | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

Shane, not the obvious choice for winning a challenge that includes brain usage, has one advantage: The second part of the competition is flying like Peter Pan. He imagines some tights, staying hairless forever, and having another fairy to get along with. And he wins!! While he plays, he auditions for jobs outside the house. Always thinking ahead.

Screen Shot 2012-09-12 At 6.49.27 Pm
You’re hired!

He also uses his secret weapon, of course:

Screen Shot 2012-09-12 At 6.50.54 Pm

JennPity just can’t believe that she lost! She really needed this to stay in the game. Not just any game. THIS game. In case you thought she was in a deep Monopoly session with someone. I haven’t seen been this embarrassed for a depressed lesbian since that episode of the View where Rosie O’Donnell hung upside down to try and cure her mental problems.

Screen Shot 2012-09-12 At 6.55.28 Pm

Chenry Ford is back, asking if the Women’s Gymnastic Team can inspire two of these HGs. Let’s hope they can inspire them not to wear douchey hats. PLEASE.

Screen Shot 2012-09-12 At 6.57.57 Pm

Since Shane won, he gets to pick someone to go with him on a special trip to meet the gymnastics girls. Ian looks defeated, knowing he won’t get picked. There’s finally a chance for him to hang out with likeminded chest sizes and he’s gonna get the shaft.

Screen Shot 2012-09-12 At 7.05.18 Pm
Sad I’mgonnahavetolearntouseatrainingbraonmyown horns.

As if knowing that Dani was doubting his penis’ interest in her, Shane announces her as the winner of the trip. She smiles like a crazy person and off they go. Of course, they have no idea who the gymnasts are, because they were in the house during the Olympics. That doesn’t mean they can’t make asses out of themselves. Dani talks to them like thye’re three and she’s teaching them how to go poopoo in the potty, and Shane explains to them that Big Brother is like being in the Olympics cuz “a lot of people try out.” HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

The girls ask the couple if they’re a couple, and Shane starts himself on fire. Dani flips her hair around and spits retainer food at them, and when she thinks one of them is giving eyes to Shane, she threatens to cut her and everything gets really awkward.

Screen Shot 2012-09-12 At 7.13.35 Pm

During the show, Shane closed mouth kisses Dani. She tries to go in for a second one but he pulls away and laughs. She doesn’t care. She can still taste his bubble gum lip smackers and what’s marriage if not being ignored by someone you love? She wants to play it cool, though, so on the way home she does her best to not let him know she’s interested.

Screen Shot 2012-09-12 At 7.16.45 Pm
I love that your penis is always soft because that means it respects me as a woman.

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Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

22 Comments

  1. 1
    mehrcat
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 1:35 am

    Jenn might not have much in the looks department but she sure knows how to make the least of it.
    Wasn’t that whole trip just a contrived way to get some corn flakes? No obvious product placement there.
    I cannot believe Ian not getting rid of Dan, maybe he’s not so smart after all. Really if he’s that stupid he deserves to lose.
    If Dani wins she can have her nasal passages rebored or that sinus operation. If Dan wins he can splash out on a new tee shirt.
    Can anybody tell me what that red one is about? Are they 2 white islands on the red background or what?
    Isn’t Dan a teacher? Is that why he’s so shouty and shouldn’t he be back in school?
    Finally why were they wearing bandages on their hands?

  2. 2
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 2:22 am

    I’m going to miss JennCity. How else am I going to learn all that hip ’90s slang that I missed out on by leaving the country back then?

  3. 3
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 4:42 am

    @mehrcat, Chelsea has done interviews (see Rob Has a Website) and has mentioned that Dan’s school has supported his greedy thirst in the BB House and he took the semester off and will not return to teaching until after Christmas.

  4. 4
    Deguy123
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 5:17 am

    Shane came out last night without even saying it, there is just no way that man is straight. He got way to excited seeing the girls and I just hope he is ready for his facebook page to be blown up by gay men lol

  5. 5
    NotAlway'sPerfekt
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 7:01 am

    I thought Dani won HOH? I know Dan was closer to the correct number but he went over. Did I miss something?

  6. 6
    NotAlway'sPerfekt
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 7:02 am

    Oh geez, need my eyes fixed! It did say Dani. My bad!

  7. 7
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 7:04 am

    So the screenname’s accurate? Mine too!

  8. 8
    Twan
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Ummmm…. Danielle won the HOH competition, not Dan. which means that if Shane or Ian wins the Veto, Dan is probably gone (well, definitely if Shane wins, HOPEFULLY if Ian wins and pulls his head out of his ass)

  9. 9
    Twan
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 7:18 am

    Nevermind… “I” and “!” were lookin way too similar.

  10. 10
    considerthis
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 7:34 am

    I am hoping Dani’s zit morphs and Jodi climbs out and is allowed to re-enter the game. Remember “Expect the Unexpected”!

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 7:34 am

    McChenzie Phillips — one of the best ones. HAHAHAHAAAA!!!

    I’m wondering if Ian thinks he can only win against Dan. That’s the only reasoning I have for him NOT backdooring Dan. That and maybe he’s only book smart.

    I wish we could be there when Dani gets out of the house and tells her that Shane is gay. She may literally blow a gasket.

  12. 12
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 7:45 am

    I don’t think SHANE realizes he’s gay yet. I think he’s still trying to be a straight-ee.

  13. 13
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Can anybody tell me what that red one is about? Are they 2 white islands on the red background or what?

    I know! I know! Ooooooh Ooooooh Ooooooh! So glad you asked!!!! It’s Union Lake in Michigan, which has something to do with Dan’s Catholic school.

    Now, I have a question. Why is Jenn so effin’ proud of her BIG MOVE where she went on slop for the rest of the season to win a VETO which she used to pull Dan off the block?

  14. 14
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 8:58 am

    @crankyguy, maybe in Jenn’s mind, BIG and WELL-THOUGHT OUT are somehow interchangable…..

  15. 15
    juddfan
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 11:02 am

    It’s actually really rude that she had to go on slop for the rest of the game, that’s way harsh in comparison to the other punishments doled out at the time.

    Shane, I hope, Is enjoying the taste of shoe leather. Beyond ignorant that he compared being picked from 1000′s (yeah, right . . . he was cast) to winning olympic gold among the worlds finest competitors. UGH!

    The gymnasts were cute, but it was lame how they had to announce their winnings. I love gymnastics, but that show . . . hmmm. Anyone see it?

    I loved the bubble gum chapstick line, heh. I don’t care if Shane is gay, or just not that into her, but seriously, besides Dan’s walking all over everyone, Dani is the only thing of any interest on this show. The theater of delusions and cluelessness just abound!

  16. 16
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 11:14 am

    “It’s actually really rude that she had to go on slop for the rest of the game, that’s way harsh in comparison to the other punishments doled out at the time.”

    She CHOSE to take that punishment. There was no good reason for her to want that particular POV for any reason that I can tell, let alone volunteering to go on slop ’till the end in order to get it. Am I missing something?

  17. 17
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    You’re analyzing the actions of someone who calls herself “Jenncity”, says things like “on the reg” and, well, looks like the New Zoo Revue hippo character’s nasty younger sister.

  18. 18
    juddfan
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Henrietta is insulted, Itchy!!!

    Cranky, I just mean in comparison to the other voluntary punishments. Most were over within a week . . . nothing to do with who picked it.

  19. 19
    chooch850 chooch850
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Love you Flipit and your recap was divine! I just dropped by to remind everyone that tonight’s LIVE show will have results of the VETO competition and it’s VETO ceremony will be live. It is not to be missed because I think it will be a SHOCKER! as will the eviction.

    As for Shane and Danielle’s trip outside the BB House. Those Olympic Gold Girls were so pissed that they had to waste their time with two idiots who were basically nobodies! These young ladies have been introduced to the Queen of England and Prince Harry for God’s sakes! They know OPRAH! Now they can go home and add “Shanielle” to that list! What a waste of time. I wanted to see the Jury House dammit!!

  20. 20
    mehrcat
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Thanks to Derek Hazelton and Crankyguy for the info. I’m in Ireland so am not so well clued up.
    I really will not miss Jenn, she was so boring, a complete non-Jenntity.
    P.S. Flipit, great recap, loved it!

  21. 21
    carol
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    This was a fantastic recap. I have not watched the episode and don’t think I will after reading this perfectly snark-filled recap.

    Also, god forbid one of the house guests annoy me and I express my opinion here and and am called an asshole again. Yes, that was sarcasm.

    So, why didn’t this season have one of those new clothes/shopping rewards? Did it happen last season? It would have been great to see Jen in some clean clothes and Dani in something that is her correct size. How is she breathing when she sits down in some of those dresses and pants? Has anyone seen Dani wash her make-up brushes yet? With the amount of make-up that girl uses, they should be fully washed every day.

    I also wish there was a bad-reward challenge. Where they had to spin a wheel filled with bad things (but oh so good for the viewers) and if they took what they got, they got some type of reward (money, slop pass, letter from home, etc). Imagine Frank and Shane with shaved heads, I don’t think any other house guest would go for it. I know they had a POV like this, but they were lame punishments. I am pretty sure the carrot suit was worse for the other house guests and the viewers than it was for Frank.

  22. 22
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    “Is she watching him sleep too much?” BWAHAHAHAHAHA

    Ah, Flipit, you are the man. And one of the reasons I still read the recaps but don’t watch the show.

    Poor Dani. When a girl’s trying to get into the pants of retarded scruffy closeted gay boy, the last thing she needs is Mount Vesuvius on her face.

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