This competition has been going on for too long. We get a montage of Ian teaching everyone about space, the first of like THREE “Ian is smart” montages this episode. Shane asks everyone to go inside so he can talk to Ian alone. Shane asks for safety for him and Danielle. Ian promises. Shane falls. Ian wins HoH. Was this competition aired in real time? Good lord.
Frank Diary Rooms that he’s nervous. WE KNOW YOU ARE, YOU’VE SAID IT 15 TIMES IN THE PAST 10 MINUTES. Dan Diary Rooms that he’s now best friends with the Quack Pack again, which is both amusing and extremely upsetting, since it’s never fun to watch someone have such an easy go of things.
Later, Shane is showering, and Danielle is (of course) hovering outside the door. Has this guy had a shower in the past 3 months that hasn’tincluded Danielle standing nearby? I bet he hasn’t. She pesters him by constantly whispering, “SHANE. SHANE. PSST, SHANE,” to get his attention, and he looks exactly as amused by it as I am. He reassures her that they’re safe, and then she Diary Rooms, “Right now, Shane’s becoming my knight in shining armor, being super protective of me.” Honestly, she’s starting to terrify me. This segment ends with Danielle continuing to whisper, “SHANE. SHAAAAANE,” as Shane pretends not to hear her while he scrubs his balls. Nice one, editors.
“PSST. Shane. Are you thinking about me in there?
“…………Yes. I am…. very sexually attracted to you. As a female. With a vagina. I think about vaginas in the shower.”
Joe tells Frank that Dan and Jenn will be the two nominees, showing exactly how smart Joe is at this game.
Back to Fatal Attraction: Big Brother! Danielle gossips with Jenn about whether or not she’ll end up fucking Shane. Are we going to witness reality television’s first-ever female-on-male rape? “We have not even kissed since the pirate ship,” complains Danielle. Jenn tells Danielle that, two days ago, Shane referred to Danielle as “my girlfriend.” JENN. WHY ARE YOU ENCOURAGING THIS. YOU WILL HAVE SHANE’S BLOOD ON YOUR CONSCIENCE. Of course, Danielle starts literally swooning as the editors play over-the-top romantic music. At least the editors are having fun.
“I can’t believe Shane and I are married!”
Time to see Ian’s HoH room. “Ian, your mom is HOT,” declares Shane at a family picture, because that is something he knows straight dudes say to other straight dudes. One of Ian’s presents is a crystallized piece of Bismuth, and now we get another “Ian is smart!” segments. I love how people who know, like, that the Periodic Table of Elements is not a LITERAL table are treated like freaks of nature on Big Brother. “Look at the learnin’ guy showin’ off his smarts! So random!” says CBS.
And now we are literally watching rocks.