Big Brother Recap: Ho Ho Horrible

Recaps

By Danny | Sunday, September 2, 2012 | 7:45 pm | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

Ian gets everything under the tree! WTF? How did he snag such a great Pandora’s Box? The rest of the house gets the punishment, and we see the front door slowly opens. My heart stops. It’s going to be Rachel. Oh god, or Evel Dick. Or any number of the terrible garbage monsters that have previously paraded through this series. But really, we all knew it could only be one person:

OH NOOOOOOOOO. 

Mr. Pectacular. Jessie himself, of steroid fame. He prances in in some sort of horrible Slutty Santa costume, with a tasteful Santa vest that shows off his pecs and arms, and a red Speedo that will give me nightmares until I’m dead and buried. “HO HO HOOOOO I look GOOD!” he shouts, giving everyone health food like flax seed, pumpkin seeds, and other seeds. A 350-pound muscle freak like Jessie only eats seeds, we’re supposed to believe. Jessie is also going to steal all their junk food.

Ian, meanwhile, is opening presents upstairs: chocolate truffles, games for the pool, a volcano kit, “sodium silicate magic rocks.” It’s exactly what you would get a 10-year-old, and I won’t lie that I found it kind of adorable.

You know what’s fun? Watching a roided-out reality show freak in Slutty Santa panties clean a fridge for ten minutes! Which is exactly what we get to experience. “You guys think I’m making you have-nots?” Jessie quips. “I’m making you health-nots.” Which… seems like the opposite of what he meant to say? Poor, stupid, loveable Jessie. Finally, Jessie takes off, Santa sacks full of candy in tow, his disgustingly muscular buttocks bulging from his too-small Santa undies. Goodbye, Jessie. See you next year, and the year after that. Good to know you still don’t have a job.

 SORRY FOR THIS, EVERYONE.

We get lots of worthless strategy talk that I don’t feel like recapping. Dan and Frank talk, and Dan pretends to be his friend. Ian and Dan talk, and Dan pretends to be his friend. Finally, it’s nomination time, and they drag it out forever but, duh, Frank and Jenn are nominated. 

Good lord, I miss Britney. These people don’t even seem to be excited about themselves anymore. The only one having fun is Dan, who laughs about the fact that he flipped on his original alliance last week and saw literally ZERO consequences for it this week. The rest of these people deserve to lose to him.

The episode ends with the image of a sad, fat man failing at twirling a hula hoop, which pretty much sums this show up perfectly.

Big Brother.

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Danny
About

Born under an ultra-rare "slunar eclipse" (when the moon passes behind the sun), Danny fears he may be the messiah humanity has been promised. Sorry to disappoint everyone, but he's all you've got. His most embarrassing moment came when he carried his wet underwear on the subway in a plastic bag after drunkenly wetting his boyfriend's bed. Follow him on Twitter for really shitty jokes: twitter.com/dgottleib

22 Comments

  1. 1
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    The “Christmas” decorations were all secular, so as to not offend anyone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas as the birth of Christ.

    But WTH!!!! OMG!!!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!! Good grief….I LOATHE Jesse. And Jesse in a Speedo is repulsive. I shudder to think where he tucked the mic pack.

    Eeewwwwww.

  2. 2
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Jesse is now a sacred Big Brother tradition. To me, no season of Big Brother can really be complete without an appearance by the wonderful Mr. Pectacular. What a thrill. The only disappointment about Jesse’s showing up is that he did not get an opportunity to “pump up” that little girly man Ian.

  3. 3
    zerocool
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    I thought it was a cute episode (except Jesse – he is so not cute). Funny recap, especially the Shane and Danielle shower. And Jenn, feeding that fire (Danielle as Shane’s girlfriend) – boy she’s not too bright!

  4. 4
    Robin Robin
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 11:39 pm

    How has Chooch managed to convince TPTB that it is imperative that Jesse show up very frikken season? ;)

  5. 5
    Pikey578
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 4:26 am

    I think Chooch has “misted” tptb so that she gets her dose of Jesse each year. His ego grows as fast as his chest – I do not find him attractive at all! I would love to think that Jenn is feeding crap to Danielle so that she can watch the crazy happen. It was a very boring episode, made even worse by having 2 good ones just before. I hope that the one on Wednesday is much better but don’t hold out much hope.

  6. 6
    alicecarroll13
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 7:20 am

    muscle clause!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    they need to get frank out of that house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    ok….its been confirmed shane is gay…must be..the guy is wearing girly shirts and a chick is begging him come on board the Danielle express and he hangs with the guys!!!

  7. 7
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 7:51 am

    alicecarroll13…Shane might just have an aversion to crazy, clingy women. Danielle might be pretty when you first see her, but the more you see of her personality, the less attractive she is.

    Or maybe he’s also gay.

  8. 8
    JJB
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 8:42 am

    I need my head examined. I kinda thought Jessie looked sexy… Oh dear.

  9. 9
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Of course Jessie’s SEXY. (uh, on the outside.) On the inside? Not so sexy. He’s more of a lunkhead.

    Loved the look on Danielle’s face when Jenn said Shane referred to her as his “girlfriend.” I think Shane does see Danielle as his “girlfriend” — in the way that many gay men see “fag hags” as their girlfriends.

    Joe does have a purpose on this show. He’s there to ramp up the testosterone level and bring some manliness to the house.

    BTW: Dan won’t win unless, in the coming weeks, the producers thwart everyone’s attempts to get him out of the house.

  10. 10
    PinkTop
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Danielle needs to learn the difference between girlfriend and gurrl-friend.

    Would shock treatments erase my memory of that Jessie segment?

    Frank is sooooooooooooooo effin stoooooooopid!

  11. 11
    Siobhan
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    Jesse didn’t say health-not, he said health-nut! Definitely a producer-fed line, since, bless his heart, that’s a level of coherence that’s well beyond his abilities.

  12. 12
    Deguy123
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 5:28 am

    Shane is gay, there is just no way he can be straight. I’m sorry but I’ve seen straight guys who are maybe alittle girly but they don’t go around getting all excited flexing with a man. The shower scene was probably right after jessie left and he had to take care of himself. I’m even more convinced with his comment about “girlfriend” which someone pointed out means “GurlllFRIEND”.

    I mean Jenn is just getting on my nerves with her “I’m going to play now”. SEND HER HOME!

  13. 13
    NikkiHughes
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Ok, now I’m just frustrated. I don’t want either to win, but in the past Ian has kept on and on about how the only way to get Frank out is to backdoor him, which is true since he wins EVERY veto…so then when he’s HOH, he nominates him? wtf?
    And good grief…..Jenn thinks she’s a huge target now ….. bwaahaahaaa. She’s an idiot.

  14. 14
    Philo
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 7:54 am

    @Nikki – I think that Frank cannot compete for the Veto this week, so no harm no foul in nominating him for eviction. I am saying this based on the recaps that I read on this site, as I stopped watching the show a month ago (thank god I didn’t have to see idiot Jesse this summer).

  15. 15
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 8:17 am

    @Philo, he did play for veto this week because he was talking about it on BBAD. I can’t tell you if he won or not since that would upset people who don’t want Wednesday night’s CBS episode spoiled for them. What he can’t play is for HOH next time.

  16. 16
    wendi
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 8:24 am

    @philo – is it veto that frank has to sit out? i thought it was just HOH?

  17. 17
    msjacqmills
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 8:26 am

    I thought the comet looked like a ballsack. I couldn’t stop laughing every time it came out. I know I’m like an adolescent boy – can’t help it.

  18. 18
    considerthis
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Why with only 8 houseguests remaining one of which has the HOH room do Dan and Shane have to share a bed? Oh that’s right Dan swore on a bible during his wedding vowss that he is not gay.

    Good old damage control Dan hard at work. He makes a douche move then pleads with America to love him with a casual “oooops my bad”. Every time he delivers a good bye message to an evicted house guest he “sincerely wishes it did not have to go down like that” or he “tried to turn the vote around”. Dan you are a liar and a bullshitter – welcome to the club.

    Random thoughts: As I watch my bent knuckle strike the keyboard I can help but recall Jessie in a Speedo. The roids might increase some muscles but not your love muscle. Shane even has a pink towel. Danielle will be serving boiled bunny for dinner sometime soon.

  19. 19
    Philo
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 11:36 am

    My bad on my earlier comment. It was during a Veto comp that Frank chose to not play for HOH next time he is eligible. Nikki’s comment makes perfect sense…

  20. 20
    juddfan
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    I thought the comet also looked like a giant tongue. I knew Ian would win, and I’m glad. He will, possibly, if Frank win’s veto, back door Dan . . . I’d enjoy that!

    Weird how Chef keeps squeaking by . . .

    Jessie makes me smile now because I know that Chooch loves him, and I can experience her happiness vicariously!!!

  21. 21
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    My keyboard started to ooze with Chooch’s pleasure.

  22. 22
    PinkTop
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    lmao @ ballsack comet. Shane loved having that flung his way.

    I too would enjoy a Dan backdoor this week. Yes, Dan is genuinely a good and deserving player (in a house full of idiots but whatev) & I give credit where due, but he just gets on my last nerve. He’s shady & shouty & grating & looks like he smells. Next season I would love to see a brilliant strategic mastermind who also happens to be likeable and a joy to watch.

    Ian annoys as well, but I could stomach an Ian win.

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