Ian gets everything under the tree! WTF? How did he snag such a great Pandora’s Box? The rest of the house gets the punishment, and we see the front door slowly opens. My heart stops. It’s going to be Rachel. Oh god, or Evel Dick. Or any number of the terrible garbage monsters that have previously paraded through this series. But really, we all knew it could only be one person:
Mr. Pectacular. Jessie himself, of steroid fame. He prances in in some sort of horrible Slutty Santa costume, with a tasteful Santa vest that shows off his pecs and arms, and a red Speedo that will give me nightmares until I’m dead and buried. “HO HO HOOOOO I look GOOD!” he shouts, giving everyone health food like flax seed, pumpkin seeds, and other seeds. A 350-pound muscle freak like Jessie only eats seeds, we’re supposed to believe. Jessie is also going to steal all their junk food.
Ian, meanwhile, is opening presents upstairs: chocolate truffles, games for the pool, a volcano kit, “sodium silicate magic rocks.” It’s exactly what you would get a 10-year-old, and I won’t lie that I found it kind of adorable.
You know what’s fun? Watching a roided-out reality show freak in Slutty Santa panties clean a fridge for ten minutes! Which is exactly what we get to experience. “You guys think I’m making you have-nots?” Jessie quips. “I’m making you health-nots.” Which… seems like the opposite of what he meant to say? Poor, stupid, loveable Jessie. Finally, Jessie takes off, Santa sacks full of candy in tow, his disgustingly muscular buttocks bulging from his too-small Santa undies. Goodbye, Jessie. See you next year, and the year after that. Good to know you still don’t have a job.
SORRY FOR THIS, EVERYONE.
We get lots of worthless strategy talk that I don’t feel like recapping. Dan and Frank talk, and Dan pretends to be his friend. Ian and Dan talk, and Dan pretends to be his friend. Finally, it’s nomination time, and they drag it out forever but, duh, Frank and Jenn are nominated.
Good lord, I miss Britney. These people don’t even seem to be excited about themselves anymore. The only one having fun is Dan, who laughs about the fact that he flipped on his original alliance last week and saw literally ZERO consequences for it this week. The rest of these people deserve to lose to him.
The episode ends with the image of a sad, fat man failing at twirling a hula hoop, which pretty much sums this show up perfectly.
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