Big Brother Recap: Janelle Porn and the Bimbo Eagle

Recaps

By Flipit | Sunday, July 29, 2012 | 8:40 pm | 17 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

Wacky clown music is playing, which must mean it’s time for Ian to masturbate with some kind of stuffed animal. No! The Loud Ass Ignorant Hick Chef Fauxhawk is making breakfast to kiss Shane’s ass. If you want people to be on your side, just stop. TALKING. He’s going for the breakfast in bed thing, which has only one real drawback. You’re waking him up. Idiot. Shane says he was just dreaming about Carmen Electra plowing him with her giant donkey penis when boom: an old dude in teenager hair is breathing all over him. Not good. Boogie puts it best when he says that Chef has “taken kiss assiness to new depths of patheticness.”

Speaking of new levels of patheticness and new languages, let’s check in with Mobile Spray Bimbo talking to Boogie in the kitchen. She’s totally into journals you guys. Presumably because she likes the smell of leather. I can’t imagine this moron with a pen in her hand. Dear Diary, whatre u doin? Helo? Helo? Why isent u talkeen bak?

She’s also into dream boards, and they totally work for her. One time, she was thinking about how she wanted an iPhone. And then she was in Target and a salesman offered her an iPhone. I wonder  if she dreamt last night of being looked down on by a fifty something year old Jessica Fletcher lookalike that dresses like a member of Menudo.

Screen Shot 2012-07-29 At 7.24.20 Pm

I am laughing my ass off listening to this dumbazz. LOVE HER. She seals the deal by finishing with “If you wanna fly with the eagles, you have to be an eagle.” So glad there aren’t ledges in this house because I want her to live for fucking ever.

Dramatic music. Frank and Shane meet up to brah each other and stuff. Shane assures Frank that deodorant or not, they’re besties and he’ll be putting the hairless dude with Junior League mom hair up for eviction. Sorry, One L!

Now for a sweet scene with Girl Dick Jenn talking about coming out of the closet. Her mom hugged her and yelled “DUH!” and Girl Dick feels super lucky to be so comfortable in what must be the most uncomfortable skin on the planet.

Screen Shot 2012-07-29 At 7.29.15 Pm
Don’t lie. You gotta at least itch a little.

Nurse Bimbo says that she was worried about a rapist lesbian being in the house, and she’s totally psyched that Girl Dick doesn’t wanna play with her boob folds. It’s so nice when ignorant people become less…I forgot what I was gonna say. To be honest, I’m kinda hoping Girl Dick comes onto Bimbo really, really strongly very very soon.

Bimbo corners Gaystruction later to seal a final two deal with him. He mentally scans the other vaginas in the house and comes up with nothing, so he agrees with a pinky swear. Cuz straight guys always promise things to each other like Pink Ladies. Bimbo wants him to put Frank up for eviction, because he’s so strong, smart, and likable. LOL. Only on BB would Frank be considered the cream of the crop instead of the weird possibly psychotic smelly dude who doesn’t work at the gas station but offers to pump people’s gas anyway.

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Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

17 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 4:36 am

    I’m just hoping ChefJoe gets eliminated so he can discover how much EVERYONE HATES HIM.

    Also, I can’t wait until Nurse Bimbo makes a move on that trucker babe. ‘Cause you know she’s going to slip into her bed some morning around 4 AM or so. “Oops, sorry,” she’ll giggle, “I went to pee and must have come to the wrong bed.” “No you didn’t, sweet stuff,” Jenn will grumble, pulling her closer, “Come to mama.”

  2. 2
    considerthis
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 6:56 am

    I’m callin Nurse Bimbo as winner of the Jun Song award. The award is bestowed upon the house guest that gains the most weight while in the house. A silver chalis full of twinkies covered in sugar, whip cream and chocolate sauce will be hers for the taking! Everytime Shane denies she runs for the pies….

    Shane was dreamin of Carmen Electra(‘s brother).

    Boogie is not only a whore but a greedy whore at that! He keeps the six grand and gives the struggling student and lively lez the remainder of the cash. Genital wart removal ain’t cheap – I guess!

    Why do coaches get to win things but never have to be punished and where do they sleep? If they are in the game and have a team then they should have to be subjected to what thier team goes thru! Get them out of the game.

  3. 3
    Clap
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 7:17 am

    I just realized that if the coaches aren’t sent back in the game, then we should be at jury already… Oy.

  4. 4
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 8:21 am

    @Itchy, if Joe does get eliminated, I hope the other hamsters yell at him about what a horrible, sucky, pathetic ass kisser he was and that cooking terrible diner food doesn’t equate to victory. I wonder if Chenital Warts will ask him how his head feels after getting headbutted four times.

  5. 5
    MissKris RTVfan
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 8:33 am

    I forgot to watch last night. I didn’t miss it, just plain forgot. As a super BB fan, I think that’s a testament to how sucky this season is. I only half-ass follow the feeds too, although I’m stepping up a little more now. Where has my enthusiasm gone?? I won’t even think this show is underway until they get their manufactured/totally fixed/manipulated “twist” out of the way once and for all. Oh!!! Since I missed the show, did they announce the results of the vote (that counts for nothing *ahem*)?

  6. 6
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 8:58 am

    No, they’re probably saving the results for the live show. Janelle needs a few extra days to learn how to act “surprised”.

    At least she’s toned it down on the semen lips.

  7. 7
    Poochini109
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Maybe Shane will get a job in gay porn after the show, like Steven did a few seasons back.

  8. 8
    BarBelle
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    The “If you like it, spread it” below the pic of Janelle on page 4 was perfect placement!

  9. 9
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Everytime I see that “If you like it, spread it” thing, I giggle. Every single time.

  10. 10
    mommacolt
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    ” I wonder if she dreamt last night of being looked down on by a fifty something year old Jessica Fletcher lookalike that dresses like a member of Menudo. ”

    Spit the water I was drinking all over my monitor and people came running into my office thinking I was having a stroek or something….Ha ha ha ha hahahahahah..

  11. 11
    juddfan
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    wow, did all that happen . . . I must be sleeping while these are on, I swear . . . it’s all so dim! I do die inside everytime chef shouts and boogie does anything at all. He is sooooo gross . . . what was he, a worm in a previous life . . . perhaps a tape worm, or a maggot! So anyway, if some of what you so awesomely described happened after either of those events, I guess, no wonder!

    I think they extended that vote coz the “no”s were overwhelming, not that it matters . . .

  12. 12
    Scott
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    Britney worked snapper last nite in the coaches competition the last 15 seconds like a porn star

  13. 13
    Scott
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Britney worked that snapper last nite in the coaches competition the last 15 seconds like a porn star

  14. 14
    Robin Robinez
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Ahh..That was fun. Thanks Flip.

    Did I miss something? Did Janelle lose a competition and they made her wear that outfit?

    TC, Robin

  15. 15
    brzysmom12
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Is that Eddie Munster all grown up on the first page, 3rd pic down?

  16. 16
    tvlover
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 1:43 am

    Am I the only one who thought the tongue challenge was extremely crude!? Really uncomfortable and awkward, in my opinion.

  17. 17
    msjacqmills
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 8:03 am

    I was looking so forward to this season, but it just suuuuckks.

    The recaps, as always, keep me entertained though.

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