Big Brother Recap: Janelle Porn and the Bimbo Eagle


By Flipit | | 8:40 pm | 17 Comments
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

Shane doesn’t understand why everyone wants Frank out. “Am I missin’ something?” Just half your bangs.

Screen Shot 2012-07-29 At 7.34.50 Pm

Bimbo is just glad that she’s got a final two deal. She’ll have a whole week alone with Gaystruction! Unfortunately, it will be filled with “I don’t know why it won’t work. I swear it’s not you, babe. Maybe helicopter it again?” excuses, but she’ll take what she can get.

Coaches comp!! It’s like Grodner sensed I’m sick of making “Shane’s gay” jokes so she decided to take over from here.

Screen Shot 2012-07-29 At 7.38.57 Pm

What the hell did he shove down the front of his pants? Hilarious. The competition is on a gym set, and the coaches have to do reps of ridic exercises. The first one looks like they’re hookers doing the cowboy on businessmen too lazy to move to get off. This is obviously slanted to Janelle, and her 80′s porn moves don’t disappoint. Grodner hates Britney, though, cuz she put the most sexual move first and everyone knows B has a Frigidaire down there.

Janelle-Big-Brother-14-Porn

I’m equal parts awed, grossed out, and disturbed. Brit, of course, loses. Boogie wins! He cheers as the gym equipment breaks out in a strange rash.

Brit gets to open a locker with a consolation prize, and it’s the guy she married! How rude. Ah well, at least there’s not someone here for her to cheat on him with. She also gets to assign two people to slop. One is Chef. YAY! Maybe he will get too weak to YEEELLLL. Ian volunteers again. WHY?!?! He says it’s because if he’s willing to take the torture, people will keep him just so they don’t have to be on slop. If Bimbo can openly use her pussy to try and win, I don’t see why Ian can’t be one for the same goal.

The next exercise is swinging hips into partitions. Janelle has an unfair advantage on this one too, as her hips are like five of Boogie and Dan’s squished together. This comp is disturbing. Ian says Boogie looks like he needs a hip transplant. HAHAH. Janelle wins and Boogie’s out. He’s given ten thousand bucks to split for his trouble, though. He gives Ian three thousand, which makes the kid cry. Seriously. “As a student, I don’t even know what that money buys!” Not nuts, unfortunately. Maybe you could try to GROW A PAIR?

The last leg is moving a switch with their tongues. LOL!! Grodner, just come out here and force Janelle to sit on your face for half a million. JESUS you’re so obvious. Janelle wins, obviously, but this was awesome to watch because Dan was terrible and it’s super fun to hear people make fun of his creepy tiny tongue. HEHEHEEH.

The Have Not food for the week is cereal and salmon, which is a call back to the “you sit out here with your cereal and I’ll sit out here with my salmon” fight between Willie and Boogie. The Have Not food has been totally easy squeeze this season. Just hand them a pizza and stop pretending you’re making an effort, BB. Janelle makes her way up to the HOH to convince Shane to not put up one of her players. She uses her not so secret stretched out and rejuvenated weapon.

Screen Shot 2012-07-29 At 8.09.57 Pm

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

17 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 4:36 am

    I’m just hoping ChefJoe gets eliminated so he can discover how much EVERYONE HATES HIM.

    Also, I can’t wait until Nurse Bimbo makes a move on that trucker babe. ‘Cause you know she’s going to slip into her bed some morning around 4 AM or so. “Oops, sorry,” she’ll giggle, “I went to pee and must have come to the wrong bed.” “No you didn’t, sweet stuff,” Jenn will grumble, pulling her closer, “Come to mama.”

  2. 2
    considerthis
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 6:56 am

    I’m callin Nurse Bimbo as winner of the Jun Song award. The award is bestowed upon the house guest that gains the most weight while in the house. A silver chalis full of twinkies covered in sugar, whip cream and chocolate sauce will be hers for the taking! Everytime Shane denies she runs for the pies….

    Shane was dreamin of Carmen Electra(‘s brother).

    Boogie is not only a whore but a greedy whore at that! He keeps the six grand and gives the struggling student and lively lez the remainder of the cash. Genital wart removal ain’t cheap – I guess!

    Why do coaches get to win things but never have to be punished and where do they sleep? If they are in the game and have a team then they should have to be subjected to what thier team goes thru! Get them out of the game.

  3. 3
    Clap
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 7:17 am

    I just realized that if the coaches aren’t sent back in the game, then we should be at jury already… Oy.

  4. 4
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 8:21 am

    @Itchy, if Joe does get eliminated, I hope the other hamsters yell at him about what a horrible, sucky, pathetic ass kisser he was and that cooking terrible diner food doesn’t equate to victory. I wonder if Chenital Warts will ask him how his head feels after getting headbutted four times.

  5. 5
    MissKris RTVfan
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 8:33 am

    I forgot to watch last night. I didn’t miss it, just plain forgot. As a super BB fan, I think that’s a testament to how sucky this season is. I only half-ass follow the feeds too, although I’m stepping up a little more now. Where has my enthusiasm gone?? I won’t even think this show is underway until they get their manufactured/totally fixed/manipulated “twist” out of the way once and for all. Oh!!! Since I missed the show, did they announce the results of the vote (that counts for nothing *ahem*)?

  6. 6
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 8:58 am

    No, they’re probably saving the results for the live show. Janelle needs a few extra days to learn how to act “surprised”.

    At least she’s toned it down on the semen lips.

  7. 7
    Poochini109
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Maybe Shane will get a job in gay porn after the show, like Steven did a few seasons back.

  8. 8
    BarBelle
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    The “If you like it, spread it” below the pic of Janelle on page 4 was perfect placement!

  9. 9
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Everytime I see that “If you like it, spread it” thing, I giggle. Every single time.

  10. 10
    mommacolt
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    ” I wonder if she dreamt last night of being looked down on by a fifty something year old Jessica Fletcher lookalike that dresses like a member of Menudo. ”

    Spit the water I was drinking all over my monitor and people came running into my office thinking I was having a stroek or something….Ha ha ha ha hahahahahah..

  11. 11
    juddfan
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    wow, did all that happen . . . I must be sleeping while these are on, I swear . . . it’s all so dim! I do die inside everytime chef shouts and boogie does anything at all. He is sooooo gross . . . what was he, a worm in a previous life . . . perhaps a tape worm, or a maggot! So anyway, if some of what you so awesomely described happened after either of those events, I guess, no wonder!

    I think they extended that vote coz the “no”s were overwhelming, not that it matters . . .

  12. 12
    Scott
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    Britney worked snapper last nite in the coaches competition the last 15 seconds like a porn star

  13. 13
    Scott
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Britney worked that snapper last nite in the coaches competition the last 15 seconds like a porn star

  14. 14
    Robin Robinez
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Ahh..That was fun. Thanks Flip.

    Did I miss something? Did Janelle lose a competition and they made her wear that outfit?

    TC, Robin

  15. 15
    brzysmom12
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Is that Eddie Munster all grown up on the first page, 3rd pic down?

  16. 16
    tvlover
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 1:43 am

    Am I the only one who thought the tongue challenge was extremely crude!? Really uncomfortable and awkward, in my opinion.

  17. 17
    msjacqmills
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 8:03 am

    I was looking so forward to this season, but it just suuuuckks.

    The recaps, as always, keep me entertained though.

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