Previously on Big Brother, an investigation was launched to find out why none of the men on this show can grow body hair.
Unfortunately, the investigation was just in my living room so there are no results. There are, however, many empty celebration beer cans. The double eviction was AWESOME. I was stressed the whole time, I laughed, I sobbed, I ate too much, I called exes, … ok all that didn’t have to do with BB, but it was a stressful night. Just in case you missed those amazing goodbye messages, here they are again:
Tonight’s episode ends with the Jessica Fletcher lookalike getting sent back to Cabot Cove all over again. I smile and cheer again, like I’ve never seen it before.
No one who wears traffic cone orange is a winner. NO ONE.
Frank, upset that his Bro Ham was sent packing, says it feels like the other players have cut him off at the knees. Hopefully next time they will aim higher with those scissors.
So remember how last week everyone was like OMG IAN IS SO SMART! And then Ian turned around and didn’t throw Boogie a vote even though it wouldn’t have changed results, then told Boogie what he was up to, and then got tattled on right before Boogie was out the door? Dum dum dum dum! DUUUUUUMMMMMB! Don’t believe me? He tells us that his goal was to throw the HOH and he won on accident. HAHAH!
Boogie goes out the door, Frank goes on a rampage of shouts and hard blinks. Like, really really hard blinks. He’s blinking so hard his teeth are gonna fall out. Everyone’s stupid, everyone’s mean, everyone is full of crap. Yes on all counts. You’re talking to the cast of Big Brother, Frank. Just please focus on something and breathe deeply before you blink your corneas out onto the floor. He shouts that Ian has no backbone and he should have given Boogz a vote in return for the three grand. Yeah, he’s really selfish, unlike Boogie who took ten grand over HOH which would have kept you from being on the block AGAIN.
So Ian wins the HOH on accident, and now it’s time to make a decision in two minutes. The speed dating begins. Dan is in the room first, with super intelligent coach-y things to spew. “Amazing brah!” He’s a teacher.
Frank is next. He stalks around the room huffing and puffing presumably terrible breath and trying to get a deal struck with Ian, who knows Frank will screw him if he can because of what he just did. Frank promises that he’s got Ian’s back if it goes both ways. Ian is about to fear piss on the floor, but he needs to just say ok. They’re both in red headbands, which is perfect tasteless straight guy chemistry if I’ve ever seen it.
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit