Big Brother Recap: The One Where Julie Finally Snaps

Recaps

By Danny | Thursday, September 6, 2012 | 10:23 pm | 29 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

Okay, time for the next HoH competition! It’s a quiz, where Julie will ask who said what thing during their pre-eviction speeches. Person with the most right answers wins. Do we want me to recap the questions and the answers? They are not interesting. The only notable thing is that, at the end of the questions, Dan, Danielle, and Jenn are in a three-way tie, and Joe and Shane have only gotten one point each. They are impossibly dumb.

The tie-breaker is to guess how many minutes Jodi was in the house. I love this question, because it is just totally rubbing her loss in Jodi’s face. FUCK YOU, JODI, YOU TOTALLY GOT SCREWED BY A BULLSHIT TWIST AND BIG BROTHER WILL NEVER STOP SHITTING ON YOU FOR IT. I hope they’re still referencing how little time Jodi spent in the house in, like, five seasons. They should bring her back as one of the returning houseguests next season and then say, “Just kidding!” and kick her out again.

Jenn: “As you can see, Julie, I went against the rest of the house AGAIN, because you just can’t predict what wild thing I’ll do next! Hang on tight, America, it’s Jenn City!”

Anway, Dan wins.

It’s his turn to nominate, and Joe shows a marginal bit of self-awareness by already sitting on one of the two nomination chairs. Julie tries to get him to move, but he stands his ground, risking the wrath of Julie, which is VERY ballsy. But he proves right, because Dan nominates Joe and Ian, clearly recognizing Ian as the only remaining threat in the house.

Veto Competition! It’s called “Swimming With Sharks,” and the houseguests have to work a plastic shark fin through a table maze. You know what’s fun? Watching people do a maze on live TV. So exciting. The competition starts, and we are subjected to some truly despicable rip-off version of the Jaws theme (probably called the “Mouth Bone Theme”), and it is just the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

You’re right, this is better than watching our Vice President speak. 

Anyway, Ian wins. 

Finally! A hiccup in Dan’s plan! I’m genuinely excited. So is Ian, who is bouncing around the backyard.

When we come back from commercials, we watch the last-minute strategizing. Dan is sprinting around the house like an absolute maniac, and I wish we were able to better tell what the fuck is going on. He grabs both Ian and Jenn and pulls them into a room, and then Jenn leaves the room immediately, and Ian also follows her. “Ian, I’m talking to you!” Dan calls after him, and the audience laughs. Everyone is in a total panic.

The Oppressive Face of Julie Chen materializes over the living room and demands that the houseguests return to the living room. Dan sprints into the living room, grabs Jenn, and sprints back out, completely subverting Julie’s demands. “Everyone in the living room. Now,” Julie spits out, as my veins freeze to ice. “Don’t make me come in there,” she threatens, and I have to change my pants. DOES DAN HAVE BALLS OF STEEL???? HOW IS HE IGNORING THE DEMANDS OF THE CHENBOT???

“Houseguests, my operatives are holding your families hostage. If you don’t start obeying my commands, I swear to God, I’ll blow all your fucking loved ones to hell.” 

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5
Danny
About

Born under an ultra-rare "slunar eclipse" (when the moon passes behind the sun), Danny fears he may be the messiah humanity has been promised. Sorry to disappoint everyone, but he's all you've got. His most embarrassing moment came when he carried his wet underwear on the subway in a plastic bag after drunkenly wetting his boyfriend's bed. Follow him on Twitter for really shitty jokes: twitter.com/dgottleib

29 Comments

  1. 1
    Pikey578
    Posted September 6, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    “I hope they’re still referencing how little time Jodi spent in the house in, like, five seasons. They should bring her back as one of the returning houseguests next season and then say, “Just kidding!” and kick her out again.” Absolutely brilliant! I loved this recap!!

    Glad to see both Frank and Joe gone. Ian and Dan are both pretty cocky but I want the two of them to go to the end. After that, I don’t care which one wins.

    Danielle is her own special brand of crazy – I hope the other players on BB take out restraining orders as soon as the show is over – they are going to need them.

    Two evictions next week sounds like fun (well, for me, anyway)…

  2. 2
    mere2142
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 6:08 am

    Can we talk about how dumb Shane is for a second? Did you see him in the veto competition? He never got past the first 12″ of the maze! Even Danielle was able to get at least halfway thru it. Every time the camera panned out there was Shane still at the beginning of the thing! Let’s hope he was throwing it….

  3. 3
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 6:30 am

    I finally figured Jenn out. Someone a long long time ago told her she looked like a cute lil’ kitten with her eyes done up like that, and that, as they say, was the end of the story. She’s gonna wear that raccoon mask for the rest of her fuckin’ life.

    [kitten eyes] For a moment there, though, she nearly had a chance of winning the HOH — which would have changed everything of course. [/kitten eyes]

    Very pleased to see Screamin’ Chef Joe and his sidekick jazz ‘stache go. One of the most awful BB contestants of all time. Almost as awful as that Ronny clown and the nasty old man they had on a couple years ago.

    I don’t want Ian to win because a million dollars will seriously destroy this kid’s life. Let him go back to the laboratory where he belongs. Please.

    I’m really hoping they put Danielle up on the block this week, just to see her go completely batshit insane.

  4. 4
    2MuchTV
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Great recap, Danny. Thanks for the warning about your divided attention. Your biggest miss was the fact that La Chen was wearing a pant suit, not a dress. Viewers could clearly see that she was sporting triangle pinch…

  5. 5
    jossta
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Danny you are hilarious! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your recaps!!! Ass loyalty…spit out my coffee on that one! (Yea, ok, I know I act like a 12 year old!)

  6. 6
    bluzgirl
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 8:14 am

    Excellent recap as always! How funny was the part in the show where Joe thought he was talking to Shane about Dan in the dark bedroom and Dan: “This IS Dan”?

    HAHAHA. Absolutely classic and clueless Joe.

  7. 7
    alicecarroll13
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 8:43 am

    i hope the little brainy nerd guy wins…that would be funny!!!

  8. 8
    PinkTop
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 9:11 am

    Danielle nomination theories… Probably thought Shane would come after him. Maybe thought putting up Jen left a chance of Joe staying… and Jen is so useless that she’s a good F2 option to keep around. Also, seems like Dan is deliberately & repeatedly traumatizing Danielle, thus molding her into an obedient zombie puppet & she’s dumb enough not to see it. Seriously, at this point she will voluntarily evict herself so that Dan can win because he’s so amazing y’all. Barf.

    I usually don’t derive joy from the suffering of others, but I sadistically ate up Danielle’s moment on the block because I detest that chubby stepford mouse. On the other hand, I was heartbroken by Frank’s demise despite his mind-boggling stupidity and need to gtfo already. Frank Frank Frank… even after Dan slipped up…. no words.

    Loved how Shane switched to another uber masculne color today, lime! Then whipped that off to reveal a LAVENDER tee underneath! Also, did y’all notice that Shane and Danielle’s outfits co-ordinated?!? (I did that with my main gay back in the day *shame*) A fashion analysis of tonight’s ep wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Joe’s totally not ironic Canadian Tuxedo! Bye Joe, not sorry to see ya go, but thanks for that!

    @itchy – totes agree that Joe is one of the worst of all time ever, top 5 for sure.

    I hope Ian pokes out Dan’s bigole bug eyes with his pointy little man boobs!!!!

  9. 9
    Zwicker
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 9:33 am

    How did nobody mention the hilarity of Joe spilling the beans to Dan when he thought he was talking to Shane?

  10. 10
    considerthis
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 9:36 am

    Dan is the Jim Jones of the Big Brother house. How can he evict Jenn City’s main ally, put Ian up on the block (pawn or not – there were other options and I would think Ian would see this), put Danielle up and yet they all still flock to him and jump when he barks orders?

    Does he lack the power to piss people off? If I was Ian and he barked at me to stay behind after dismissing JC so he can pull my strings somemore – I would have told him you nominated me, I won go fuck yourself I have nothing to say to you but instead Ian looks terrified for disobey and slinks back to master Dan tail firmly between legs.

    The only thing is that once these cult members escape and have the luxury of being de-programmed in the jury house Dan may not fair so well. Dan = Tom Cruise Jury = Katie Holmes.

  11. 11
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 9:44 am

    I don’t want Ian to win because a million dollars will seriously destroy this kid’s life.

    To me, he doesn’t seem the type to go blow it on drugs, gambling, and hookers, but I was also wrong in thinking earlier in the season that he wasn’t the type to let power go to his head, so what do I know?

    If he wins, he will take the 600K that he gets to keep and invest it in an expensive education culminating in a PhD. Then he will join forces with Brendon Villegas who is already working hard on a cure for cancer with the able assistance of his lovely chemist bride, Rachel. Together, they will finally crack that difficult problem and then share a Nobel Prize. So, basically, Itchy, you are saying that you don’t want a cure for cancer to be found. Think about that the next time you say you don’t want Ian to win.

  12. 12
    Zwicker
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 9:52 am

    FYI, Brenchel is getting married this weekend. Before anyone accuses me of being a BB fanboy, I only know that fact because I am friends with Andrew aka Captain Kosher and he posted on Facebook that he was in California for the nuptials. In fact, I only started watching BB because Andrew was on it. My wife became addicted to it though, so she watches while I half-watch as I work or play on the laptop. I do love me the recaps on this site though.

  13. 13
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

    @Zwicker, do you actually think you are telling me something that I don’t know? I know EVERYTHING about Brenchel! EVERYTHING!!!

  14. 14
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Not only that, but I tell every kid I see there is no Santy Claus.

  15. 15
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 10:16 am

    You tricked me, itchy. I just remembered that BB doesn’t pay out a million dollars, the cheap bastards.

  16. 16
    PinkTop
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 10:30 am

    I do not, I repeat DO NOT find Frank attractive, but I think I would hook up with him of pity after this mess.

    On that note, this season has been a gigantic fail when it comes to delivering male eye candy. I knew something was terribly wrong when I started to ‘check out’ Dan by default when he sashayed around in his underwear in the previous ep. I immediately focused on his awkward little weasel legs and how disproportionate they are to the length of his torso. I was grossed out by him again and order was restored. Phew.

  17. 17
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Double-fisting Big Brother with the DNC? And your brain hasn’t expired for lack of substantative input? You sir, are a titan.

    Big Brother: blahblahblah veto blahblahblah HOH blahblahblah literally blahblahblah Dan blahblahblah literally…

    DNC: blahblahblah America blahblahblah greatness blahblahblah middle class blahblahblah jobs blahblahblah future…

    And I agree: Julie is always MILFlicious. Always.

  18. 18
    ghostfacekilla
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 11:42 am

    @PinkTop…my unattractiveness can only be matched by my pitifulness…juss sayin

    “So first you fucked up HERE, and then you fucked up HERE, and then you did THIS stupid thing, and then you trusted THIS liar, and then…” too funny Danny

  19. 19
    juddfan
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Well, I can’t claim that I paid too much attention to this either, but I was flabbergasted when Dan put up Danielle . . . he is making such “dick” moves . . . he can’t win. Messing with Ian and Danielle . . . I sniff a backlash and I really hope they pull it off. I’m not a Danielle fan, but he is seriously pushing the boundaries of misogyny . . . almost borderline abuse. It’s just mean. I know a lot of you are loving him, and as unreligious as I may be, swearing on your wife and the bible, and then reversing that is not good game play . . . I hope it bites him in the ass!

    @Pink Top, I love your description of Dan’s body!

    Really, really glad that Shouty Chef is gone. I also think they probably should have gotten rid of JennC, as she is the last one completely outside of the quack pack . . . Shouty didn’t seem to have an agenda, tho I guess he blew it with his whispering disclosure in the dark.

  20. 20
    PinkTop
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    @ notwithoutmytv & juddfan – LOL

    I think our only hope right now is Ms Britney doing work in the jury house. For a while I hoped that Ian would pull something out & crush Dan, but so far he’s been just another Dan puppet, not as far-gone as the others but close. All he’s pulled out so far are his mini moobs.

    This might be a season where the majority of the cast being braindead sheep might be a good thing. They will vote emotionally, not strategically & Dan is screwed.

  21. 21
    PinkTop
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    @ghostfacekilla – double LOL

    Pity hookups are not my regular practice, but this Frank situation brought that out in me. Poor thing. He will probably have a hard time readjusting to the real world. Good thing his family is rich cause he’s going to need a lot of therapy, way more than BB provides.

  22. 22
    considerthis
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Ian’s nipples are like Hershey Kisses in both color and form (cannot comment on content).

  23. 23
    Philo
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    @juddfan, I was wondering as well why not evict Jenn, but here is my take:

    After catching Chef “snitching” on Dan (when it was dark and Chef thought that he was talking to Shane), Dan cannot trust him.

    Jenn has no one, now that Frank is gone, and probably has a little bit of trust in Dan (the whole veto thing this week). So if Jenn pulls a win out of her rear, she probably keeps Dan. If not, whoever wins HOH probably puts up Jenn, who is not in the Quack Pack.

    Now that we near the end, there will be one of those crazy endurance contests, followed by trivia to get to final 2.

    Dan really only has one true competitor on physical/endurance challenges – Shane. And one true competitor on “use your brain” challenges – Ian.

    On a side note – I love how no one in the audience laughs at Joe’s stupid jokes. “I’m the biggest threat…in the kitchen” – LAME

  24. 24
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Frank seems like a sweet guy…and I probably would have been rooting for him had he not initially aligned with Mike.

    How funny was Idiot Joe (the Chef, not Idiot Joe Biden) mistaking Dan for Shane? I would have kept Shouty Chef in the house because he’s a guaranteed win against him in the final two.

    I knew the minute I saw the maze Ian would win the veto. He was the only one smart enough to be looking ahead at the paths.

    I’m with Pikey578…I want a Dan/Ian finale, and I’m fine with either of them winning. It would be really cool if, because he’s won already, Dan told the other HGs to vote for Ian.

    Itchy…don’t worry about the money hurting Ian. After taxes, it’s closer to 320,000…and after he pays off his school loans, he’ll be down to a quarter million. He’ll invest some, and take the rest for a singular wild weekend before settling back into his socially awkward life.

  25. 25
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 8, 2012 at 1:56 am

    Okay, I feel better about Ian winning. I’m more concerned about his pot-boobs though. Kid needs to lay off the ganja.

  26. 26
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted September 9, 2012 at 11:31 am

    I had a class (Great Houses of Los Angeles) Thursday night so I just watched the episode online.

    Joe, I miss you already.

    You know, Preacher Dan is really becoming the Paul Ryan of the Big Brother house. All Dan does is lie, lie, lie. No one can believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

    Ian for the win.

  27. 27
    itchy itchy
    Posted September 9, 2012 at 11:49 am

    The difference being that Dan is playing a game where lying is expected (and probably necessary), whereas Ryan is hoping to become VP of the United States — which means, potentially at least, Lyin’ Ryan could become president (when Mitt’s batteries run out).

    It doesn’t bother me at all that Dan’s being sneaky — he does it in a nice enough way, without being mean or nasty, which I really appreciate about him.

    And I give the other hamsters part of the blame, for being so damned obtuse. But then I’ve now come to the conclusion that they’ve all been hired to play the role of contestants in order to ensure a Dan win.

  28. 28
    TaxGirl TaxGirl
    Posted September 9, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Great recap (as always)! I agree with Philo about Dan’s motivation. I was thinking that he probably wanted to keep the QP secret for a little longer and picking Danielle would help keep that from Jenn and Joe. Only one person left in the house that is not in that alliance. We’ll see how quick it breaks down!

    NOTE FOR SUNDAY: I heard on CBS that a Women’s Tennis match from Saturday was postponed (hello tornados) and would be played on Sunday and aired on Sunday AFTER Football. That will mean that the start of BB will most likely be delayed. Adjust your DVRs!

  29. 29
    Robin Robin
    Posted September 9, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    @notwithoutmytv,

    “Big Brother: blahblahblah veto blahblahblah HOH blahblahblah literally blahblahblah Dan blahblahblah literally…

    DNC: blahblahblah America blahblahblah greatness blahblahblah middle class blahblahblah jobs blahblahblah future…”

    If any of them had any sense, they would have never quit their jobs to go on this show in the first place. How they find these fools, I will never understand.

    I read betwen the blahs :-)

    Robin

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.