Okay, time for the next HoH competition! It’s a quiz, where Julie will ask who said what thing during their pre-eviction speeches. Person with the most right answers wins. Do we want me to recap the questions and the answers? They are not interesting. The only notable thing is that, at the end of the questions, Dan, Danielle, and Jenn are in a three-way tie, and Joe and Shane have only gotten one point each. They are impossibly dumb.
The tie-breaker is to guess how many minutes Jodi was in the house. I love this question, because it is just totally rubbing her loss in Jodi’s face. FUCK YOU, JODI, YOU TOTALLY GOT SCREWED BY A BULLSHIT TWIST AND BIG BROTHER WILL NEVER STOP SHITTING ON YOU FOR IT. I hope they’re still referencing how little time Jodi spent in the house in, like, five seasons. They should bring her back as one of the returning houseguests next season and then say, “Just kidding!” and kick her out again.
Jenn: “As you can see, Julie, I went against the rest of the house AGAIN, because you just can’t predict what wild thing I’ll do next! Hang on tight, America, it’s Jenn City!”
Anway, Dan wins.
It’s his turn to nominate, and Joe shows a marginal bit of self-awareness by already sitting on one of the two nomination chairs. Julie tries to get him to move, but he stands his ground, risking the wrath of Julie, which is VERY ballsy. But he proves right, because Dan nominates Joe and Ian, clearly recognizing Ian as the only remaining threat in the house.
Veto Competition! It’s called “Swimming With Sharks,” and the houseguests have to work a plastic shark fin through a table maze. You know what’s fun? Watching people do a maze on live TV. So exciting. The competition starts, and we are subjected to some truly despicable rip-off version of the Jaws theme (probably called the “Mouth Bone Theme”), and it is just the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
You’re right, this is better than watching our Vice President speak.
Anyway, Ian wins.
Finally! A hiccup in Dan’s plan! I’m genuinely excited. So is Ian, who is bouncing around the backyard.
When we come back from commercials, we watch the last-minute strategizing. Dan is sprinting around the house like an absolute maniac, and I wish we were able to better tell what the fuck is going on. He grabs both Ian and Jenn and pulls them into a room, and then Jenn leaves the room immediately, and Ian also follows her. “Ian, I’m talking to you!” Dan calls after him, and the audience laughs. Everyone is in a total panic.
The Oppressive Face of Julie Chen materializes over the living room and demands that the houseguests return to the living room. Dan sprints into the living room, grabs Jenn, and sprints back out, completely subverting Julie’s demands. “Everyone in the living room. Now,” Julie spits out, as my veins freeze to ice. “Don’t make me come in there,” she threatens, and I have to change my pants. DOES DAN HAVE BALLS OF STEEL???? HOW IS HE IGNORING THE DEMANDS OF THE CHENBOT???
“Houseguests, my operatives are holding your families hostage. If you don’t start obeying my commands, I swear to God, I’ll blow all your fucking loved ones to hell.”