Time to check in on Ian and Ashley! Let’s breeze through this. Ashley asks Frank on an “ice cream date” right in front of Ian, which is super bitchy. How fucking dismissive. Her plan is threefold: 1) Ice cream (hahahahaha, of course that’s objective #1 for Ashley); 2) Information from Frank, and possibly a chance to save Wil; and 3) she just wants a date with Frank. I’m shocked she can count to three.
Ian is sad. “That’s supposed to be my flirtmance,” he mumbles. Ian, honestly. Ashley? If a girl runs her life based on her “dream board,” it’s probably not going to work out. Aim higher.
Upstairs, the ice cream date turns into a cocktail date, because the producers are plying this people with alcohol, like, “DO SOMETHING INTERESTING.” Frank asks, “Do you want to make out on the couch?” and, because Ashley is an idiot and he is literally the only viable option in the house, she agrees. They make out, and it looks really boring. I’m not even surprised that line worked. Anything more subtle than that would be totally lost on Ashley.
Frank: “You taste like wine.” Ashley: “You taste like mouth.”
“Well, you’re dumped,” Britney tells Ian outside, holding onto her trophy for: The Only Genuinely Entertaining Person On This Show. And thus ends the most ELECTRIC love triangle on television.
Later, Wil goes to talk to Shane, Danielle, and Britney, whose positions seem to indicate the house has a carbon monoxide leak. Did someone leave a car running in the garage?! He gets nothing out of this conversation, and it is entirely pointless. Later, Joe does the same thing, gets the same results. Vote both of these worthless guys out, please.
Julie tells us tonight we can influence the game. Ooh, can we send them more fish and candy? SO FUN AND INTERESTING. Honestly, this is almost worse: we can vote on what we tempt the houseguests with to give up HoH, between a “Have Not Pass” and $10,000. We vote live by tweeting with hashtags. Did the producers at Big Brother just learn what Twitter is? They seem disproportionately excited about Twitter integration, considering it’s 2012 and everyone knows Twitter is just where you go if you want to tell Donald Trump he’s a cunt.
“Tweet me your dick picks!”
@nakita610 is “screaming like a ten year old” that Jeff is coming back. I stand corrected: Twitter IS worthwhile. Also, remember when Jeff said Hogwarts shouldn’t have allowed a gay man to be a headmaster over children? That was simultaneously one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen a person argue, as well as one of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen a grown man actually believe. But what I wouldn’t GIVE for another Homos 4 Hogwarts conversation to liven up this season.