Big Brother Recap: The Triumphantly Shiny Return of Jeff

Recaps

By Danny | Friday, August 17, 2012 | 1:36 am | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

Time to check in on Ian and Ashley! Let’s breeze through this. Ashley asks Frank on an “ice cream date” right in front of Ian, which is super bitchy. How fucking dismissive. Her plan is threefold: 1) Ice cream (hahahahaha, of course that’s objective #1 for Ashley); 2) Information from Frank, and possibly a chance to save Wil; and 3) she just wants a date with Frank. I’m shocked she can count to three.

Ian is sad. “That’s supposed to be my flirtmance,” he mumbles. Ian, honestly. Ashley? If a girl runs her life based on her “dream board,” it’s probably not going to work out. Aim higher.

Upstairs, the ice cream date turns into a cocktail date, because the producers are plying this people with alcohol, like, “DO SOMETHING INTERESTING.” Frank asks, “Do you want to make out on the couch?” and, because Ashley is an idiot and he is literally the only viable option in the house, she agrees. They make out, and it looks really boring. I’m not even surprised that line worked. Anything more subtle than that would be totally lost on Ashley.

 Frank: “You taste like wine.” Ashley: “You taste like mouth.”

“Well, you’re dumped,” Britney tells Ian outside, holding onto her trophy for: The Only Genuinely Entertaining Person On This Show. And thus ends the most ELECTRIC love triangle on television.

Later, Wil goes to talk to Shane, Danielle, and Britney, whose positions seem to indicate the house has a carbon monoxide leak. Did someone leave a car running in the garage?! He gets nothing out of this conversation, and it is entirely pointless. Later, Joe does the same thing, gets the same results. Vote both of these worthless guys out, please.

 MUST

SEE

TV

Julie tells us tonight we can influence the game. Ooh, can we send them more fish and candy? SO FUN AND INTERESTING. Honestly, this is almost worse: we can vote on what we tempt the houseguests with to give up HoH, between a “Have Not Pass” and $10,000. We vote live by tweeting with hashtags. Did the producers at Big Brother just learn what Twitter is? They seem disproportionately excited about Twitter integration, considering it’s 2012 and everyone knows Twitter is just where you go if you want to tell Donald Trump he’s a cunt.

“Tweet me your dick picks!”

@nakita610 is “screaming like a ten year old” that Jeff is coming back. I stand corrected: Twitter IS worthwhile. Also, remember when Jeff said Hogwarts shouldn’t have allowed a gay man to be a headmaster over children? That was simultaneously one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen a person argue, as well as one of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen a grown man actually believe. But what I wouldn’t GIVE for another Homos 4 Hogwarts conversation to liven up this season.

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Danny
About

Born under an ultra-rare "slunar eclipse" (when the moon passes behind the sun), Danny fears he may be the messiah humanity has been promised. Sorry to disappoint everyone, but he's all you've got. His most embarrassing moment came when he carried his wet underwear on the subway in a plastic bag after drunkenly wetting his boyfriend's bed. Follow him on Twitter for really shitty jokes: twitter.com/dgottleib

15 Comments

  1. 1
    Pikey578
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 2:18 am

    I usually hate the filler family portions but absolutely loved Joe’s wife and kids! His wife is funny and would have been so much more entertaining on the show than Joe has been. And the insights into his yelling in the DR were priceless! The kids have their DNA from their mom, definitely! And his son’s comment about getting his dad to shave was great.

    Glad to see Wil gone – I found him to be a whiner and not entertaining at all.

    Again, who is Jenn?

  2. 2
    mere2142
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 5:48 am

    At first I was a little surprise at Frank asking Ashly to make out on the couch but in hindsight I shouldn’t have been shocked at it work. It reminded me of the HIMYM episode with the naked man.

    Either one could have left tonight and it would have been fine. Can we put Joe’s kid in the game? The one who wants him to shave the tampon string on his chin? I wanna see the kid harass Grandpa Boogies for the rest of the season.

  3. 3
    Smango
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 5:49 am

    Reading ‘Grandpa Keebler’ made me spit coffee all over my laptop. The ‘check if Grandpa is breathing’ pic was pretty freakin hilarious, as well. Great recap!!

    Anyone else think Joe’s wife bears a slight resemblance to Chelsea Handler?

  4. 4
    jsacks4
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:17 am

    I think, hope, they are his step-kids. They call him Joe and I think he said he was married for 8 years.

  5. 5
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Little Gino Gorga, and now Li’l ShoutyChef Jr…. PLEASE people, we NEED to give more to the Stop Fauxhawking Your Children Fund™! Awesome recap, Danny! You’re rapidly becoming one of my favorites here!

    love, J-Mo :)

  6. 6
    annie anniedawg25
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Danny this recap was hilarious…at first I didn’t think the ep was that bad, then you showed me the light and made me realize how shitty it was!, and how shitty BB is! Freakin funny!

    Wil was ok…he made me laugh but that’s about it. Good point about them wanting to break up the amazingly powerful Zeus like team of ashley frank and will. Wow, great strategy, morons.

    And JMo I will gladly donate to that fund….

  7. 7
    alice
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    ashley is starting to look like a tease……………..one minute she shoving her self down frank mouth and then playing with ian…time to get rid of boogie woogie man……….

  8. 8
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    I think Wil was channeling the Village People with the hat.

    I enjoyed the episode primarily because Joe didn’t get the boot.

    Whoever wins the veto needs to put Frank and Boogie up.

  9. 9
    fancyface
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    OMG I KNEW I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE THAT FELL IN LOVE WITH THE MCSHOUTERTONS! How awesome was Joe’s family?!? I also think that vinette was the best part of the season so far. They had me @ “I’M SARAH…I’M JOE’S WIFE!!” Although..when they first came on I was confused because the younger lady was really pretty, so I was like maybe he has a beautiful sister but when she introduced herself as his wife I was STUNNED! Then add her awesomeness to the equation & I was super confused. But then she said ‘He’s so hot’ and then i said ‘Ah ha! She’s losing her eye sight!’ I have to give it up to shouty…he has a GORGEOUS family AND they can bring the snark?! I fell in love with his son when he asked us to convince him to cut the soul patch! Now, if only we could do something about his fauxhawk! Have we ever seen a family seg that awesome?

    Anyhoo….WTF was the purpose of JEFF’S ass being there? THE most spectacularly stupid segment ever! Seriously! What was the deal with that b.s? And who gives a fuck about him & his little sister Jordan? UGH

    BYE WILL! I had such high hopes for you going in. How can the genius behind The Wil show & the ‘crouton crouton’ spoof be such a let down? How did getting Janelle out work out for ya?

  10. 10
    lavenderincense
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Joe’s family segment was the best since Season6 when Ivette’s mother and girlfriend both trashed Ivette and talked about how much they loved Janelle.

  11. 11
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted August 18, 2012 at 2:31 am

    “Check to see if Grandpa’s breathing” – that and the photograph of Boogie made me laugh so hard I almost dropped my laptop! Thank you – I can’t sleep and I needed that. You write a great recap.

    I would LOVE to see a Tvgasm recappers Big Brother. JMo and Flipit in the BB house?? PRICELESS.

  12. 12
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted August 18, 2012 at 2:32 am

    Oh – and many, many thanks for the photo of a muscular, wet Jeff. Just the way I like him. With his mouth shut.

  13. 13
    atcmurph
    Posted August 19, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Joe’s speech made me so uncomfortable I muted the TV.

  14. 14
    (J)ustPeachy (J)ustPeachy
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 11:32 am

    I had to stop at “CHECK IF GRANDPA’S BREATHING.”
    OMG, I am dying laughing over here, tears and all.
    Your captions are killing me, and I love it!

  15. 15
    (J)ustPeachy (J)ustPeachy
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Okay, I’m done reading, and now my stomach hurts.

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