Big Brother Recap: The Triumphantly Shiny Return of Jeff

Recaps

By Danny | Friday, August 17, 2012 | 1:36 am | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

Time to meet Joe’s family! Cover your ears! Wait, wait, wait, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? 

Um, Joe’s wife is super hot? And introduces herself by jokingly screaming, “I’M SARA. I’M JOE’S WIFE.” What the fuck is this all about? How did Joe get the best wife ever? We actually learn the answer to this question: Sara’s mom made an online dating profile for Sara, and for the first two months of their online talking, Joe was actually talking to Sara’s mom. This… makes me extremely uncomfortable. Sara’s mom is a sociopath.

I’m so confused. So very confused. Someone hold me. 

Joe has four kids, all of whom appear to be around the same age. Ugh, how does Sara DO IT? Guys, I love Sara. Also, Joe’s kids are all pretty cute, and now I’m convinced Sara’s got a man on the side, who is actually the father. No way Joe has anything to do with this family. 

Check this shit out: The kids and Sara sit around dissing Mike Boogie, and it is wonderful. We get shots of them booing the TV whenever Boogie shows up, and Joe’s son says he’s “really full of himself.” You just got called out by a 10-year-old kid, Grandpa Keebler.

“Boogie can’t get hard.” 

Then things get amazing: Joe’s son tells Joe to start lying more, and then he begs America to do something about his dad’s awful soul patch. IT’S OFFICIAL. JOE’S FAMILY (EXCLUDING JOE) IS THE BEST PART OF THIS SEASON. Sara begs Joe to stop yelling, and his kids yell at him to stop, too. I love the Joes, you guys. Let’s just move all the cameras from the Big Brother house to their house! (On second thought, that’s probably child pornography. Whoops, now we’re all in jail.)

Jeff montage! Guys, remember Jeff? So hot. So dumb. So homophobic. We see some of his finest moments, like when he called Jordan (ostensibly the love of his life) “stupid” on multiple occasions. Jeff… is not so great. But damn, does he look good. Look at him! 

YEP.

Okay, but seriously, what the fuck is this segment? Julie teases him with the idea of going back into the house, and I scream, “NO! NO MORE HOUSEGUESTS!” at my TV. Thankfully, she had just tapped into her Joke Database. Obviously, her first question is about Jordan. They just moved to Santa Monica, which means they’re both still trying to be famous. Ugh, guys. Just give it up. He’s going to propose by his birthday. He ruins the surprise on national television. Jeff sucks. 

Now we have to hear his thoughts on the game, which is so pointless, because Jeff was never a strategic player. He was surprised Janelle was voted out, and he thinks “anyone can win.” If we have to watch some worthless bullshit with Jeff, at least get him wet or take his shirt off or something. Do I have to think of everything around here?!

“WHOA, Jeff. Please put your penis back in your pants.” 

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Danny
About

Born under an ultra-rare "slunar eclipse" (when the moon passes behind the sun), Danny fears he may be the messiah humanity has been promised. Sorry to disappoint everyone, but he's all you've got. His most embarrassing moment came when he carried his wet underwear on the subway in a plastic bag after drunkenly wetting his boyfriend's bed. Follow him on Twitter for really shitty jokes: twitter.com/dgottleib

15 Comments

  1. 1
    Pikey578
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 2:18 am

    I usually hate the filler family portions but absolutely loved Joe’s wife and kids! His wife is funny and would have been so much more entertaining on the show than Joe has been. And the insights into his yelling in the DR were priceless! The kids have their DNA from their mom, definitely! And his son’s comment about getting his dad to shave was great.

    Glad to see Wil gone – I found him to be a whiner and not entertaining at all.

    Again, who is Jenn?

  2. 2
    mere2142
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 5:48 am

    At first I was a little surprise at Frank asking Ashly to make out on the couch but in hindsight I shouldn’t have been shocked at it work. It reminded me of the HIMYM episode with the naked man.

    Either one could have left tonight and it would have been fine. Can we put Joe’s kid in the game? The one who wants him to shave the tampon string on his chin? I wanna see the kid harass Grandpa Boogies for the rest of the season.

  3. 3
    Smango
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 5:49 am

    Reading ‘Grandpa Keebler’ made me spit coffee all over my laptop. The ‘check if Grandpa is breathing’ pic was pretty freakin hilarious, as well. Great recap!!

    Anyone else think Joe’s wife bears a slight resemblance to Chelsea Handler?

  4. 4
    jsacks4
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:17 am

    I think, hope, they are his step-kids. They call him Joe and I think he said he was married for 8 years.

  5. 5
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Little Gino Gorga, and now Li’l ShoutyChef Jr…. PLEASE people, we NEED to give more to the Stop Fauxhawking Your Children Fund™! Awesome recap, Danny! You’re rapidly becoming one of my favorites here!

    love, J-Mo :)

  6. 6
    annie anniedawg25
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Danny this recap was hilarious…at first I didn’t think the ep was that bad, then you showed me the light and made me realize how shitty it was!, and how shitty BB is! Freakin funny!

    Wil was ok…he made me laugh but that’s about it. Good point about them wanting to break up the amazingly powerful Zeus like team of ashley frank and will. Wow, great strategy, morons.

    And JMo I will gladly donate to that fund….

  7. 7
    alice
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    ashley is starting to look like a tease……………..one minute she shoving her self down frank mouth and then playing with ian…time to get rid of boogie woogie man……….

  8. 8
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    I think Wil was channeling the Village People with the hat.

    I enjoyed the episode primarily because Joe didn’t get the boot.

    Whoever wins the veto needs to put Frank and Boogie up.

  9. 9
    fancyface
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    OMG I KNEW I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE THAT FELL IN LOVE WITH THE MCSHOUTERTONS! How awesome was Joe’s family?!? I also think that vinette was the best part of the season so far. They had me @ “I’M SARAH…I’M JOE’S WIFE!!” Although..when they first came on I was confused because the younger lady was really pretty, so I was like maybe he has a beautiful sister but when she introduced herself as his wife I was STUNNED! Then add her awesomeness to the equation & I was super confused. But then she said ‘He’s so hot’ and then i said ‘Ah ha! She’s losing her eye sight!’ I have to give it up to shouty…he has a GORGEOUS family AND they can bring the snark?! I fell in love with his son when he asked us to convince him to cut the soul patch! Now, if only we could do something about his fauxhawk! Have we ever seen a family seg that awesome?

    Anyhoo….WTF was the purpose of JEFF’S ass being there? THE most spectacularly stupid segment ever! Seriously! What was the deal with that b.s? And who gives a fuck about him & his little sister Jordan? UGH

    BYE WILL! I had such high hopes for you going in. How can the genius behind The Wil show & the ‘crouton crouton’ spoof be such a let down? How did getting Janelle out work out for ya?

  10. 10
    lavenderincense
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Joe’s family segment was the best since Season6 when Ivette’s mother and girlfriend both trashed Ivette and talked about how much they loved Janelle.

  11. 11
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted August 18, 2012 at 2:31 am

    “Check to see if Grandpa’s breathing” – that and the photograph of Boogie made me laugh so hard I almost dropped my laptop! Thank you – I can’t sleep and I needed that. You write a great recap.

    I would LOVE to see a Tvgasm recappers Big Brother. JMo and Flipit in the BB house?? PRICELESS.

  12. 12
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted August 18, 2012 at 2:32 am

    Oh – and many, many thanks for the photo of a muscular, wet Jeff. Just the way I like him. With his mouth shut.

  13. 13
    atcmurph
    Posted August 19, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Joe’s speech made me so uncomfortable I muted the TV.

  14. 14
    (J)ustPeachy (J)ustPeachy
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 11:32 am

    I had to stop at “CHECK IF GRANDPA’S BREATHING.”
    OMG, I am dying laughing over here, tears and all.
    Your captions are killing me, and I love it!

  15. 15
    (J)ustPeachy (J)ustPeachy
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Okay, I’m done reading, and now my stomach hurts.

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