Time to meet Joe’s family! Cover your ears! Wait, wait, wait, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?
Um, Joe’s wife is super hot? And introduces herself by jokingly screaming, “I’M SARA. I’M JOE’S WIFE.” What the fuck is this all about? How did Joe get the best wife ever? We actually learn the answer to this question: Sara’s mom made an online dating profile for Sara, and for the first two months of their online talking, Joe was actually talking to Sara’s mom. This… makes me extremely uncomfortable. Sara’s mom is a sociopath.
I’m so confused. So very confused. Someone hold me.
Joe has four kids, all of whom appear to be around the same age. Ugh, how does Sara DO IT? Guys, I love Sara. Also, Joe’s kids are all pretty cute, and now I’m convinced Sara’s got a man on the side, who is actually the father. No way Joe has anything to do with this family.
Check this shit out: The kids and Sara sit around dissing Mike Boogie, and it is wonderful. We get shots of them booing the TV whenever Boogie shows up, and Joe’s son says he’s “really full of himself.” You just got called out by a 10-year-old kid, Grandpa Keebler.
“Boogie can’t get hard.”
Then things get amazing: Joe’s son tells Joe to start lying more, and then he begs America to do something about his dad’s awful soul patch. IT’S OFFICIAL. JOE’S FAMILY (EXCLUDING JOE) IS THE BEST PART OF THIS SEASON. Sara begs Joe to stop yelling, and his kids yell at him to stop, too. I love the Joes, you guys. Let’s just move all the cameras from the Big Brother house to their house! (On second thought, that’s probably child pornography. Whoops, now we’re all in jail.)
Jeff montage! Guys, remember Jeff? So hot. So dumb. So homophobic. We see some of his finest moments, like when he called Jordan (ostensibly the love of his life) “stupid” on multiple occasions. Jeff… is not so great. But damn, does he look good. Look at him!
Okay, but seriously, what the fuck is this segment? Julie teases him with the idea of going back into the house, and I scream, “NO! NO MORE HOUSEGUESTS!” at my TV. Thankfully, she had just tapped into her Joke Database. Obviously, her first question is about Jordan. They just moved to Santa Monica, which means they’re both still trying to be famous. Ugh, guys. Just give it up. He’s going to propose by his birthday. He ruins the surprise on national television. Jeff sucks.
Now we have to hear his thoughts on the game, which is so pointless, because Jeff was never a strategic player. He was surprised Janelle was voted out, and he thinks “anyone can win.” If we have to watch some worthless bullshit with Jeff, at least get him wet or take his shirt off or something. Do I have to think of everything around here?!
“WHOA, Jeff. Please put your penis back in your pants.”