Big Brother Recap: The Triumphantly Shiny Return of Jeff

Recaps

By Danny | Friday, August 17, 2012 | 1:36 am | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Recaps

Oh, turns out he’s interviewing evicted houseguests for CBS.com, and this is their way to try to lure us onto their shitty, clunky website. Not happening, CBS! Unless Jeff’s interviews take place in a sauna. 

Julie lets Jeff exercise his interviewing skillz on her. He asks what kind of a player she’d be. She says she’d be a combination of Janelle and Boogie. So… 90% man-made and riddled with STDs? Actually, that sounds about right. You know Julie’s popping Valtrex like it’s fish oil. “If you want to win, you gotta go big,” Julie says. “Wow, that’s a good one,” replies Jeff, awed. Does he think she invented that phrase?

Now that we’ve wasted a lot of time, let’s waste some more time! Julie tells the houseguests they’re halfway done. Everyone claps. My heart sinks. And now it’s time for a current events pop quiz! WHAT? WHAT IS THIS EPISODE? First question: Who got engaged this week, Jennifer Aniston or Jennifer Lopez? Everyone screams both names, making this worthless exercise even more worthless. She reveals the answer (it was a trick question: Jennifer Lopez is unloveable and Jennifer Aniston will die alone). Everyone cheers. My brain starts trying to consume itself.

“Whoa, guys. Is that TV talking to us?” 

“Which country won the most gold medals?” Everyone chants, “USA!” except for Boogie, who shouts, “CHINA!” Can we bring back the Communist blacklists and remove this guy from Hollywood, please? Was Dwight Howard traded to the Knicks, the Mavericks, or the Lakers? Embarrassing revelation: I have no idea who they’re talking about. The answer is Some Sports Team, and Boogie literally DIES of shock:

CHECK IF GRANDPA’S BREATHING. 

More news recap. This is making the Newsroom look like a thoughtful and reasonable approach to news reporting (didn’t expect a Big Brother recap to zing you, Sorkin? YOU’RE NOT SAFE ANYWHERE!).

Speech time. Wil fakes that he hates everyone, and then he talks for 10 minutes about how great everyone is. Now Joe goes, and he says people are complaining about his volume (did the producers actually talk to him about this?). “I got news for ya. I’m taking classes at night called… ‘Human Whispering’.” CRICKETS. This is so uncomfortable. That was maybe the worst joke I’ve ever heard, and the way he dropped it, expecting a round of applause or something, was so painfully amazing. Joe has been unintentionally working his DAMNDEST to entertain us tonight, guys.

Thankfully, Julie cuts Joe off, because she is the best. And now we finally get some voting! Long story short, only Ashley and Jenn vote Joe out, because they are clueless, and everyone else votes Wil out, in a voting process that takes about 15 minutes.

When he gets the news, Wil unzips his sweatshirt and lets his hair down, hugs everyone, throws on a stupid fake sailor hat, and leaves. GOODBYE, WIL, YOU ARE SO OBNOXIOUS. His Chenterview is terribly boring. Wil explains that he lost because he’s just too real and nice and awesome and he just couldn’t bear to lie to people! Wow, you guys, Wil is amazing. This game is so beneath him. He is an angel.

“As you can see from my $2 prop hat, I am MUCH too whimsical for this house to handle.” 

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Danny
About

Born under an ultra-rare "slunar eclipse" (when the moon passes behind the sun), Danny fears he may be the messiah humanity has been promised. Sorry to disappoint everyone, but he's all you've got. His most embarrassing moment came when he carried his wet underwear on the subway in a plastic bag after drunkenly wetting his boyfriend's bed. Follow him on Twitter for really shitty jokes: twitter.com/dgottleib

15 Comments

  1. 1
    Pikey578
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 2:18 am

    I usually hate the filler family portions but absolutely loved Joe’s wife and kids! His wife is funny and would have been so much more entertaining on the show than Joe has been. And the insights into his yelling in the DR were priceless! The kids have their DNA from their mom, definitely! And his son’s comment about getting his dad to shave was great.

    Glad to see Wil gone – I found him to be a whiner and not entertaining at all.

    Again, who is Jenn?

  2. 2
    mere2142
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 5:48 am

    At first I was a little surprise at Frank asking Ashly to make out on the couch but in hindsight I shouldn’t have been shocked at it work. It reminded me of the HIMYM episode with the naked man.

    Either one could have left tonight and it would have been fine. Can we put Joe’s kid in the game? The one who wants him to shave the tampon string on his chin? I wanna see the kid harass Grandpa Boogies for the rest of the season.

  3. 3
    Smango
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 5:49 am

    Reading ‘Grandpa Keebler’ made me spit coffee all over my laptop. The ‘check if Grandpa is breathing’ pic was pretty freakin hilarious, as well. Great recap!!

    Anyone else think Joe’s wife bears a slight resemblance to Chelsea Handler?

  4. 4
    jsacks4
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:17 am

    I think, hope, they are his step-kids. They call him Joe and I think he said he was married for 8 years.

  5. 5
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Little Gino Gorga, and now Li’l ShoutyChef Jr…. PLEASE people, we NEED to give more to the Stop Fauxhawking Your Children Fund™! Awesome recap, Danny! You’re rapidly becoming one of my favorites here!

    love, J-Mo :)

  6. 6
    annie anniedawg25
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Danny this recap was hilarious…at first I didn’t think the ep was that bad, then you showed me the light and made me realize how shitty it was!, and how shitty BB is! Freakin funny!

    Wil was ok…he made me laugh but that’s about it. Good point about them wanting to break up the amazingly powerful Zeus like team of ashley frank and will. Wow, great strategy, morons.

    And JMo I will gladly donate to that fund….

  7. 7
    alice
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    ashley is starting to look like a tease……………..one minute she shoving her self down frank mouth and then playing with ian…time to get rid of boogie woogie man……….

  8. 8
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    I think Wil was channeling the Village People with the hat.

    I enjoyed the episode primarily because Joe didn’t get the boot.

    Whoever wins the veto needs to put Frank and Boogie up.

  9. 9
    fancyface
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    OMG I KNEW I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE THAT FELL IN LOVE WITH THE MCSHOUTERTONS! How awesome was Joe’s family?!? I also think that vinette was the best part of the season so far. They had me @ “I’M SARAH…I’M JOE’S WIFE!!” Although..when they first came on I was confused because the younger lady was really pretty, so I was like maybe he has a beautiful sister but when she introduced herself as his wife I was STUNNED! Then add her awesomeness to the equation & I was super confused. But then she said ‘He’s so hot’ and then i said ‘Ah ha! She’s losing her eye sight!’ I have to give it up to shouty…he has a GORGEOUS family AND they can bring the snark?! I fell in love with his son when he asked us to convince him to cut the soul patch! Now, if only we could do something about his fauxhawk! Have we ever seen a family seg that awesome?

    Anyhoo….WTF was the purpose of JEFF’S ass being there? THE most spectacularly stupid segment ever! Seriously! What was the deal with that b.s? And who gives a fuck about him & his little sister Jordan? UGH

    BYE WILL! I had such high hopes for you going in. How can the genius behind The Wil show & the ‘crouton crouton’ spoof be such a let down? How did getting Janelle out work out for ya?

  10. 10
    lavenderincense
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Joe’s family segment was the best since Season6 when Ivette’s mother and girlfriend both trashed Ivette and talked about how much they loved Janelle.

  11. 11
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted August 18, 2012 at 2:31 am

    “Check to see if Grandpa’s breathing” – that and the photograph of Boogie made me laugh so hard I almost dropped my laptop! Thank you – I can’t sleep and I needed that. You write a great recap.

    I would LOVE to see a Tvgasm recappers Big Brother. JMo and Flipit in the BB house?? PRICELESS.

  12. 12
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted August 18, 2012 at 2:32 am

    Oh – and many, many thanks for the photo of a muscular, wet Jeff. Just the way I like him. With his mouth shut.

  13. 13
    atcmurph
    Posted August 19, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Joe’s speech made me so uncomfortable I muted the TV.

  14. 14
    (J)ustPeachy (J)ustPeachy
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 11:32 am

    I had to stop at “CHECK IF GRANDPA’S BREATHING.”
    OMG, I am dying laughing over here, tears and all.
    Your captions are killing me, and I love it!

  15. 15
    (J)ustPeachy (J)ustPeachy
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Okay, I’m done reading, and now my stomach hurts.

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