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Oh, turns out he’s interviewing evicted houseguests for CBS.com, and this is their way to try to lure us onto their shitty, clunky website. Not happening, CBS! Unless Jeff’s interviews take place in a sauna.
Julie lets Jeff exercise his interviewing skillz on her. He asks what kind of a player she’d be. She says she’d be a combination of Janelle and Boogie. So… 90% man-made and riddled with STDs? Actually, that sounds about right. You know Julie’s popping Valtrex like it’s fish oil. “If you want to win, you gotta go big,” Julie says. “Wow, that’s a good one,” replies Jeff, awed. Does he think she invented that phrase?
Now that we’ve wasted a lot of time, let’s waste some more time! Julie tells the houseguests they’re halfway done. Everyone claps. My heart sinks. And now it’s time for a current events pop quiz! WHAT? WHAT IS THIS EPISODE? First question: Who got engaged this week, Jennifer Aniston or Jennifer Lopez? Everyone screams both names, making this worthless exercise even more worthless. She reveals the answer (it was a trick question: Jennifer Lopez is unloveable and Jennifer Aniston will die alone). Everyone cheers. My brain starts trying to consume itself.
“Which country won the most gold medals?” Everyone chants, “USA!” except for Boogie, who shouts, “CHINA!” Can we bring back the Communist blacklists and remove this guy from Hollywood, please? Was Dwight Howard traded to the Knicks, the Mavericks, or the Lakers? Embarrassing revelation: I have no idea who they’re talking about. The answer is Some Sports Team, and Boogie literally DIES of shock:
More news recap. This is making the Newsroom look like a thoughtful and reasonable approach to news reporting (didn’t expect a Big Brother recap to zing you, Sorkin? YOU’RE NOT SAFE ANYWHERE!).
Speech time. Wil fakes that he hates everyone, and then he talks for 10 minutes about how great everyone is. Now Joe goes, and he says people are complaining about his volume (did the producers actually talk to him about this?). “I got news for ya. I’m taking classes at night called… ‘Human Whispering’.” CRICKETS. This is so uncomfortable. That was maybe the worst joke I’ve ever heard, and the way he dropped it, expecting a round of applause or something, was so painfully amazing. Joe has been unintentionally working his DAMNDEST to entertain us tonight, guys.
Thankfully, Julie cuts Joe off, because she is the best. And now we finally get some voting! Long story short, only Ashley and Jenn vote Joe out, because they are clueless, and everyone else votes Wil out, in a voting process that takes about 15 minutes.
When he gets the news, Wil unzips his sweatshirt and lets his hair down, hugs everyone, throws on a stupid fake sailor hat, and leaves. GOODBYE, WIL, YOU ARE SO OBNOXIOUS. His Chenterview is terribly boring. Wil explains that he lost because he’s just too real and nice and awesome and he just couldn’t bear to lie to people! Wow, you guys, Wil is amazing. This game is so beneath him. He is an angel.