Boardwalk Empire Recap: Listen to Eli

Nucky and Owen drive out to some ramshackle house. Agent Sawicki’s there, trying to make jokes, but Nucky wants to make sure it’s Smith’s place. Sawicki says the Philadelphia agent that he “trusts” says it is and Nucky just has to be a dick, calling the agent “crooked.” Because he’s so straitlaced. They break into the house and it’s stockpiled with case after case of liquor. Owen thinks at least half is theirs but Nucky thinks it’s all theirs, now. Smith’s not in the house and Nucky doesn’t want to wait around so he tells Owen to call when he gets back.

Owen offers, since Nucky told him it was his responsibility, to take care of it so Nucky can keep a low profile. Nucky gets another giant bug up his ass and snots at Owen if that’s what he said. As Sawicki clears his throat to get his bribe, Owen makes a mental note to get Eddie good and drunk so they can both bitch about what a shitty boss Nucky is, but agrees to call Nucky. And the expression on his face as Nucky leaves says he would rather have Katy call his dick “Mr. Poofles” in public than deal with Nucky’s crap.

Eli and Mickey are up in Tabor Heights. Gyp and his goons are sitting on the porch rolling dice while Eli’s talking to the deputy like he’s an imbecile, trying to figure out in what world does it make sense that the sheriff would douse himself in gasoline then decides to light up a cigarette. (That was Rosetti’s story? Criminals are idiots.)

Are you “stupid,” “totally fucking stupid,” or “too stupid to live?”

Deputy Ramsey, now sheriff, doesn’t think it’s a problem because he and the deputies will handle the situation. Mickey’s not really paying attention, he just wants a guarantee that his convoy will still be able to stop off and gas up in Tabor Heights. Ramsey takes the money and promises that they’ll take care of Gyp’s crew, but as Tommy Callahan would tell you, he could take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, he has the time, but a guarantee doesn’t mean squat. Eli has a bad feeling and tries to tell Mickey this but Mickey’s done the bare minimum required of him so he’s good.

It’s midday down at Al’s cathouse so the johns and prostitutes are playing “throw the peanuts in the whore’s cleavage” and everyone’s having a grand old time because this place isn’t a classy establishment like the Artemis Club. Al’s in a good mood as he walks over to Jake who hands him a stack of sticky bills. Ew, but it’s just from whatever Jake ate not…ew. Al tries to teach Jake about the power of a good shower and shave but Jake’s a happy go lucky, low-ranking hoodlum and it doesn’t seem to sink in.

Owen and one of Nucky’s thugs are having a laugh about how the thug’s wife actually still asks him how his day was when a tall, skinny kid comes in. Owen and the thug are holding him at gunpoint but he doesn’t look too scared when they lift his gun from him. Owen asks him who he is. He makes the valid point that he could ask Owen the same thing, then starts acting like he’s just some kid.

Who me? I’m just the paper boy.