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The two adopted kids go to breakfast to discuss Sabrina looking for her birth father. Jeremiah warns her that she may not like what she finds, so the producers play some wicked backward music for whatever reason. Why the sudden twist to horror movie? Are we going to find out that Sabrina’s dad is a serial killer or a sex pervert?
Jeremiah and Abe go to a fancy salon for haircuts. The boys get manicures while their hair is cut, which is freaking out Mr. Raging Testosterone Jeremiah. Gosh, he’s such a manly beast. I can’t even stand it.
The kids’ spirit tanks are empty, so they seek out the first Christian church they can find. It’s a holy roller black church, so this should be pretty fun. Each kid was embraced by the church members both emotionally and physically, which gives them all a sense of love, acceptance, and belonging which they’ve never felt before. That part very well may be real, which is shitty and makes me sad. Amish or not, I’m never happy to see people who were never loved unconditionally by at least one parent. Affection is necessary and it doesn’t seem to be an appropriate behavior in the Amish or Mennonite communities. Of course, that may not be true, but it’s what I’ve learned from TV and documentaries. I promise that not everything I know about them comes from Kingpin and Sex Drive.
Kate has commandeered the bathroom to take video footage of herself talking about what a maniac she is while Sabrina bangs on the door doing the pee-pee dance.
At a PI office, Sabrina seeks a detective to find her birth parents. Behind her is a lie detector test, which I think we should whip out on each of these kids. As for her PR side, I’d like to provide her with the Cliff’s Notes version of what most Americans think of when they think “Puerto Rican”.
Over at their now-regular bar, Kate starts humping the stripper pole like a pro and Sabrina is the most shit-faced she’s ever been. Sabrina takes this excusable moment to plant a kiss on Jeremiah’s dirty mouth.
Rebecca arrives at the dentist to get her new dentures. They look great and she’s ready to hit the streets with a big smile on her face.
Speaking of Kingpin, turns out Abe’s quite the bowler. I wonder how two Amish kids who have just now jumped the fence can have professional bowling stances I’ve lived my life in the regular world and have bowl a bit and I still can’t bowl more than 100.
Sabrina and Rebecca feel they need to stage an intervention with Kate, because her drinking is getting out of control and her behavior is wonky. Abe is weirded out by her mood swings and chalks it up to her being a snobby bitch. That very well may be the problem, Abe. Meanwhile, Kate tells us that she doesn’t fit in with the others. Abe and Rebecca are always together and Sabrina and Jeremiah are starting to hit it off. These just aren’t her kind of people. She should go to a high school and find the bitchy click, because that’s exactly where I see her fitting in.