I have to warn you right now that I’m in a terrible mood over this final episode of Celebrity Apprentice.
For one thing, it was boring as all hell. It got so bad that I finally started working while I was watching it and managed to hem a few curtains, repair a pants seam, modify two pillow cases, finish a baby blanket for a friend and tailor a dress for a wedding. Seriously, I got all that done while Sparky droned on and on. You’d think I’d be in a better mood with all that productiveness, but nothing will assuage the bull shit that proved to be this season. I guess the sooner I get this thing started the sooner it will be over with and I can go crawl up with a good romance novel and forget the last 14 weeks ever happened.
The episode starts off with what I think is a commercial for a glass hoarders episode.
Considering one is a cross, I’m guessing the set dec department hit every
garage sale in NYC to show off his wall of accolades.
But nope, turns out it wasn’t a commercial because suddenly before our very eyes appears the hideous man himself, “acting” his way out of a paper bag. As he busily takes a phone call from the Mayor of NYC (’cause he’s in like that), a voice pipes up telling him he will be late for the finale. He commands said script supervisor to get him the fastest driver anywhere in the world. He then tells the “mayor” he has to go because they are doing a live finale of Celebrity Apprentice and that is way more important than chit-chatting with the man who runs the largest city in the United States.
He assures the mayor that this episode is going to be amazing.
Don’t you believe it, readers.
Run. Save yourselves. I have to take this bullet, but you can still get away.
The Donald struts out of his office as a live audience watches and claps. He tells us how this epic drama started with 18 celebrities and after 15 weeks it has all boiled down to a battle between Clay Aiken and Arsenio Hall. He’s got a tough decision ahead of him … not really.
It’s obvious who should win. Whether or not he does win will be determined by how contrived the show truly is. Will this be a case of the best man winning; a show that celebrates the organic nature of the competition, or will this all have been a total ruse and hoax from the beginning? Since I’m in a bad mood, let me spoil it for you. The answer is B.
If nothing else will convince you of how over the top and false this whole thing is, maybe the next bit will. Donald steps on to the rainy streets of New York (did you notice that every time a fired celeb left the building, it was just after a good rain? Was that a contrived metaphor?). Anyway, Sparks emerges from the giant phallic object bearing his name to “discover” another phallic object parked and waiting to whisk him to the finale. Apparently it is an integral part of the drama to observe Sparky’s commute.
Why Mario Andretti, look how completely shocked I am that
you are here waiting to give me a ride. I’m acting with my body.
See how I did that?
So Mario races through the streets of NYC, but we never see a shot of Sparks in the car. Naturally, because he would never, ever allow himself to be filmed in a manner that might threaten his accessories. And by accessories I mean toupe. And so, as they pull up to the American Museum of Natural History, we are led to believe that this is how Sparks looks after tearing through NYC with no helmet:
Here, he employs method acting by recalling the triumph
of a night where no viagra was needed.