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Welcome to Season 13 of The Apprentice! This is the “All Star” season of Celebrity Apprentice, and the only redeeming quality of this show is that the contestants raise significant money for charity.
I have to apologize up front because I have never watched this show, so I expect a barrage of corrections and insults in the comments thread. I am ready with my shield of self-esteem between us, so no need to be gentle with me.
So the group of 14 celebtestants meets The Donald at the Metropolitan Museum of New York, and all the girls walk in like they just got ass-raped by a broomstick. Then the girls stand like Miss America contestants ready for their interviews, except Brande Roderick, who hasn’t been able to stand with her legs together for umpteen years. The dudes do look appropriately dude-ish. The Don asks the contestants introductory questions and then cuts off their answers — even I, the Apprentice rookie, know he does that shit all the time. Then Mr. Trump chooses Bret Michaels, as the only winner, and Trace Adkins, a runner-up in his season, as captains who select teams by schoolyard pick.
TEAM PLAN B, or Take Two and Call Me In The Morning
The contestants guess ahead of time that the first challenge will be a fundraising challenge, so the teams want to choose the best fundraisers in their respective groups to be project managers for this assignment. Plan B chooses Trace over Stephen, who both want to be the PM, when Trace throws out that he’ll get T. Boone Pickens to donate.
There’s a longer discussion in the Power room, where Omarosa tries to convince the team, rationally, that Bret should be PM since he’s: a. the only previous season winner; b. been called out as a loser by The Don for competing again; and c. promised the team that he’s “stacked” when it comes to raising money. Maybe his blood sugar is low, and he doesn’t remember that, a few minutes ago, he picked Brande in the schoolyard pick because he’s “weak on fundraising” and it’s Brande’s strongest asset. Brande really, really wants to be PM over Omarosa’s objections and promises to bring in a shitload of money, and a bonus BJ for Bret, if they’ll just let her lead.
Bret agrees that Brande can lead, as long as they all promise not to throw Bret under the bus if they lose. Sucka!
In the boardroom, The Don introduces Ivanka and Piers Morgan, a former contestant and now a judge. Piers spends a lot of time picking on Omarosa, since he hates O ever since he competed with her (and beat her) during a previous season. The Don tells the teams that tomorrow, they’ll be selling meatballs at two meatball shops and whichever team makes the most money wins the challenge. All of the money will go to the winning team’s PM’s charity. The team also has to bring meatballs to Live with Kelly & Michael in the morning, and The Don will award a bonus to the team whose meatball Kelly & Michael like best. Cross-promotion is great!!!