Celebrity Apprentice Recap: The Days of our Guiding Crystal Light

Greetings, Gasmii!  Thank you for all of your comments.  You’ve all given me a lot to think about, and I certainly need to visit Universal Studios Orlando now after reading about all the rides.  What I’m reading in the comments makes me realize that ALL of these celebrities have some positive trait that explains how each one was selected for the show, whether it’s hard work, passion for a charity, serious intelligence, or some combination of all of these, and that makes me feel a LITTLE bit bad for making fun of them.  I’m still on the fence about Bonus Baldwin, though … was he on the alternate list?

Special commenter shout-out @chaosbutterfly:  I agree that the floating head idea would have been much stronger and had a lot of potential, but especially thank you for comparing Li’l Jon to a muppet.  It’s so true (and yes, I do respect the hell out of him … he has tons of money for a reason … sometimes you can use your Napoleon complex to accomplish a lot in life).

He’s a combination of every muppet in Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

In the relax-you’re-not-fired room, everyone is still winking at each other about O’s “sobs” and waiting to see who was kicked off the show. No one is surprised when Bonus Baldwin & Batshit Busey walk in, and all seem to be sad but resigned to Dee’s termination.  Marilu feels bad about what she said in the boardroom about Gary being annoying so she sits down with him to quasi-apologize but ends up annoyed again.  This is like foreplay, Cocoon style.   I wonder if they’ll have AARP make-up sex afterward.

It’s not me, Gary, it’s you.

Omarosa, who won a hefty $40,000, and has a check to give away, visits with the head of the Sue Duncan Children’s Center and a recent attendee of the program, who went on to earn a 32 on her ACT after attending the center.  The center is on the South Side of Chicago, which, for kids there, is like growing up in the seventh circle of Hell … so I start to cry.  ACT32 gives O a homemade poster created by the children who attend the program, and I cry even harder.  O starts to “cry” and I immediately quit crying.  Her fake emotions have destroyed my emotional reaction to this amazing charity and its success stories.  Perhaps, however, I’m not giving her enough credit …

… maybe she’s just dehydrated and can’t spare the saline.

The task for this episode is to help Crystal Light launch their new line of drinks by creating and starring in a five-minute soap opera that each team will perform for a live audience.  To help them out, The Don got Jack Wagner and Susan Lucci to sign on and help the teams with their dramatic performances. Ivanka and Arsenio Hall (who is looking like a caricature of Don Cheadle these days) will be The Don’s advisors for this episode.  The winning PM gets $20K from The Don and an extra $30K from Crystal Light for his or her charity.  Bonus Baldwin and Toy volunteer to be PM’s.  

In Plan B’s room, BB is all business, but his team might think it’s naptime.

Okay, we all have our reading glasses, but where’s the Ensure?

The executives from Crystal Light come in and BB tries to smarm them with charm, but Penn Gillette is not amused.  He interviews that BB thinks everyone around him is “breathtakingly stupid”.  I love it!

And don’t worry, Penn, no one thinks that about you.  Gary, on the other hand, we’re not so sure about …

At Team Power, Toy’s delegating roles like a champ, until she makes the mistake of telling Omarosa that she will not be the star, but instead will be the stage manager.  O starts talking over her, trying to confuse Toy and fighting every one of Toy’s decisions.  O also interviews that she was on the cover of Soap Opera Digest, but I couldn’t find said cover with my amateurish interwebz skillz.  Anyone else able to dig that up?  The team eventually comes up with the idea of using a standard crazy soap opera plot, where Jack Wagner announces to his “daughter”,  Crystal/Brande, that he had a secret affair years ago and Brande has a sister she never knew about … Alexis/Omarosa.  Brande and Jon come up with the idea to ask the audience to take a sip from a cup of Crystal Light Liquid every time a sound effect is played during their performance.  They’ll be playing the sound effect frequently, each time they are about to reveal another overly dramatic, soap-ish secret.

Plan B decides (brilliantly, in my opinion) to analogize the intensity of flavor that a person can choose with Crystal Light Liquid with the level of romance dramatized in a soap opera setting.  Penn is the brain child behind this idea, natch, and the team loves it.  BB is grinning from ear to ear, glad to let Penn do all the brain work.

Back at Power, it’s about to be a girlfight.   Toy wants O to stay and write out the story with Brande, Jon, and her, and O would rather go buy props and clothes with Dennis and Claudia.  There’s some standing up, hands on hips, neck rolling shizz going on (but no Z snaps … did Z snaps go out of style in the ’90′s?), much to Jon’s delight.  Toy lets O go just to get some peace and quiet.

DUNH-dunh-duuuuuuunnnnh.  O’s a bitch.  She’s a smart bitch, but she’s a bitch.  Sip some Crystal Light Liquid, people!

O even recycles some of the tired “leadership” lines that she used in the season with Piers.  Lame!  Then O brings up the fact that she’s a leader because she’s in charge of half of the West Coast for OK! magazine.  I would have kept that little resume tidbit to myself, O, but desperate times …

Even Lindsey Lohan doesn’t want to be in this magazine.

O continues to undermine Toy and play head games with her, calling her every five minutes from the props/costume run and asking questions she already knows the answers to, just to screw with Toy’s momentum back in the writing meeting.  Turn your phone off, Toy!

At Plan B, they’re finalizing their story concept when Susan Lucci, who is apparently Trace’s dream girl — and Crystal Light soap opera co-star — walks in the room and sweeps him off his feet.

Lady in reeeeeeeeeeeeed

We can tell he’s completely smitten because he compares her to “good horseflesh” and a Montana sunset.

If you’re interested, your local deli may also carry some “good horseflesh”.

At Power, Jack Wagner walks in followed soon after by Arsenio, who’s there to check in with the team.

Finally, a picture in which Omarosa is NOT the most annoying person.  Arsenio, Jack, both of you take off the damn shades!  Does The Don insist on super-bright indoor lighting?  I don’t get it, Show!

LaToya tries to explain their game plan to Arsenio but keeps getting corrected and talked over by O.  Arsenio pulls Toy to the side, whom he’s known for many years as a soft-hearted person, and asks her what she thinks of O.  Toy says she’s a conniving witch, and if they lose, she’ll be bringing O to the boardroom with her.

At Plan B, Arsenio comes in and likes what he sees and hears, but he tells us mysteriously that happiness does not equal success. I think he’s been spending a little too much time with Batshit.

At Power, Omarosa gets a text/call/e-mail that the press is about to release the 911 tapes from her fiance’s heart attack incident.   She tells Toy what’s happening and that she needs to go handle it.  Most of the team is in the dark until they notice O is gone, as there’s now a comfortable silence in the room.

She can’t leave!  I’m the lazy one!

The next morning, Power is rehearsing without Omarosa and is using Claudia in her stead as the soap opera villian.  Dennis believes, as does the rest of the team, that O is simply trying to sabotage the team with her absence.  They have a great rehearsal, except LaToya is a “not very good” actress,

I’m being kind when I say that.

mostly because she keeps forgetting her very important line, where she announces the tagline and the flavors of the product.  Li’l Jon interviews that this is so important, they’re going to have Toy write her lines on her hand so she doesn’t mess up the flavors during the performance.  They’ve decided to make it blatantly obvious that Toy’s reading from her hand so that the audience will laugh.  Let’s hope it works!  According to Li’l Jon, “Mango Passionfruit” is a hard flavor to remember.

But if you drink it mixed with a little Hen from a gem-encrusted golden chalice, it’s delicious.

Plan B is rehearsing, too, and BB is taking his director role a little too seriously.  It’s ridiculous.  He orders everyone around, shutting down their creative ideas.  In fact, at the climax the performance, Lisa is supposed to transform into Susan Lucci and suggests to BB that Penn, who has been using one of the two flavors they’ve been assigned, switches from Blueberry Raspberry flavor to the Ice Tea flavor to highlight the climactic moment even more.  BB mutters, “It’s not important” and she drops it.  I’m starting to wonder if he hates every woman, or just all the ladies on this show.  Trace is pretty frustrated about BB’s constant corrections, and unlike Penn, cannot just laugh about BB’s Svengali complex later and beats his head against a door.

This is all for charity, this is all for charity …

As they step on to stage to rehearse there, Marilu is mentioning some changes she may want to make to the set, and Baldwin tries to humiliate her by insisting his directorship trumps her stage manager position.  BB asks the others, as a sadistic hypothetical question, if he’s actually the one in charge and demands that ALL changes need to be reviewed and approved by him first.  

No wire hangers!  No changes without my approval!

I want to punch him in the face and groin (so he can never reproduce another sexist child) repeatedly.  I find it ironic that his charity is a breast cancer research fund that his mother started.  

The poor lady must cringe (and turn off her phone) every time she watches a new episode.

Over at Power, the rehearsals aren’t going any better.  O shows up mid-rehearsal, but she doesn’t try to get her role back.  

It’s time for the show!  Power’s soap opera is very cute, and I’m impressed with Brande’s acting chops, and Claudia does well, too.  They certainly hold their own against Jack Wagner.  Toy flubs her only line, and unfortunately, it’s the product placement line (she calls it “Mango Passionfruit Lemonade” and “Strawberry Liquid Lemonade”).  Whoops!  The audience seems amused, but they keep missing their cues to drink the Crystal Light Liquid.

Plan B’s show is soooooooo much better.  Trace is definitely the star, playing a computer repairman and “cowboy pool guy” with grace and charm.  Lisa is great as a soap opera star, of course, and Penn as the narrator/MC does a terrific job.  Marilu makes an appearance as Trace’s deranged wife (her cockeyed, crazy boobs are a great addition to the role).

I think she may have misplaced a cutlet!

Gary’s perfect as Lisa’s nutso husband who falls in love at first sight with Marilu.  In the last scene, Lisa tastes the drink made with the most Crystal Light so she says she’s going to change into something even more fabulous (Susan Lucci).  It didn’t make sense because “Crystal” Lisa is wearing this:

 

and “Crystal” Susan Lucci is wearing this:

 

Why did they not wear the same/similar dresses so the audience would get the point?  Did O sabotage Plan B’s Lord & Taylor trip, too?  Best part of the show:

He should totally do this at his next concert … and he should bring the chandelier.

 Boardroom time!

Really long boardroom with lots of fights, all involving O.  She starts crying when Arsenio calls her on exaggerating her responsibilities to Michael Clarke Duncan’s estate instead of staying and helping the team.  Toy gets cut off again and again by O and The Don, even though Arsenio and Ivanka try to help her out.  Claudia and Brande stay silent, though they furiously sidebar about which of them should suggest to Omarosa that perhaps she came back to reality television too soon after MCD’s death.

Guess who got the short stick in that one …

Team Power’s weakest link was O, and The Don asks Plan B who their weakest link was, and everyone asked agrees that it was Gary, because his personality interferes with their time on task.

Gary sucked.  I, however, was an amazingly good project manager and soap opera director.  Just ask my team.

The Crystal Light executives did not like that Plan B only used Blueberry Raspberry and did not include the Ice Tea flavor in their soap opera.  Poor Lisa doesn’t get any credit for trying to include it.  Trace gets props from the executives and Arsenio for his acting performance, but the executives were also confused and disappointed by Plan B’s underuse of Susan Lucci.  The executives thought Power’s soap opera was entertaining, but the product was a prop and not the center of the soap opera.  After another “discussion” of O’s disappearance,

which leads to “tears” … now I know why she didn’t want to be in the soap opera

The Don announces that Plan B won and Toy has to choose two players to return to the boardroom with her.  Shockingly to everyone, even The Don, Toy chooses Dennis and … Brande — the strongest performer on the team in this task.  O is happy for once and everyone else is dumbfounded.  O can’t get her behind out of that room fast enough.  Toy doesn’t have a real reason why she didn’t choose O

Because it would have been too obvious, that’s why!  Batshit ain’t the only crazy one here.

but she tells Brande and Dennis before they have to go back in that she thought The Don would never kick her off  because he “fell for” O’s crying tricks.  Back in the boardroom, The Don disabuses her of that notion and fires Toy for being a ‘fraidy cat as much as for being the project manager.  I’m sad.  I liked Toy and her work ethic but she was like Stephen King … at the end of the story, she lets you down.  What do you think?  Was this a producer move to keep O on the show?  Nothing else makes sense to me.  Have a great week!