Couples Therapy Recap: Dourtney crashes and burns

Recaps

By eyediosmio | Sunday, November 4, 2012 | 7:27 pm | 18 Comments
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Posted in: Couples Therapy, Recaps

It gets even  more disgusting because Delusional Doug then laughs it off as, “Aw, that Courtney – she just can’t help herself!”

Doug, listen.  I think she can, and does help herself.  Probably to all of your friends (if you have any left) and any willing participant out there. 

Shayne hears Whoretney’s rehearsed lines from her upcoming porn auditions, and confronts Delusional Doug about his wife’s inappropriate behavior which he OF COURSE flips it, declares Whoretney the victiim and Shayne a black magic witch. 

If that slut monkey comes after my man one more time, I’m gonna fling some poo!   Ooo Oooo, Eeee Eeee!

While, she does oftentimes resemble Stevie Nicks with her long blond locks and baggy clothes, she’s not the problem here Dougie.  Your wife’s inappropriate sexual advances on other couples in the house who are tryiing to repair their marriages is the problem. 

Some of you have suggested that Shayne’s main issue is that Nik is sexually attracted to Whoretney and she’s insecure and Nik is conflicted and that’s why he hates her.  Let me agree and disagree with you here.

Whoretney’s whole aim in this house to be a walking, talking sex doll.  Everything she says and does involves her being a sexual object and she pushes that at every turn.  I think a grown man would be hard pressed NOT to see that/react to it.  That being said, I also think Nik’s other main issue with Whoretney is that she is every father’s worst nightmare.   I am reminded of Chris Rock’s bit about how a father’s only aim in life is to keep his daughter out of clear heels and off the pole.  You just know that Courtney’s only job option involves sex work.   Again – Parent FAIL!

The next segment is group therapy session and it’s so friggin painful you guys, so I am going to just briefly tell you what happens. 

Shayne dresses up as a castmember from Oliver to lighten the mood.  

 Tiny shares a story about how she was sexually molested and we see how Jojo is really present for her and you guys, I just know this is why she hangs on to him so tightly because I am sure when he’s not drinking he is probably so very present in their marriage.   And that’s sad.  Alex shares how she had to deal with her father’s death at the age of 11 and how her mother totally checked out and Alex had to be the grown up and she does that does that weird scary faced cry.   Again, so friggin sad you guys! 

But then, THEN we move onto the real reason we watch this trainwreck show, Courtney and her husband Delusional Doug, who is wearing a hat today to distract us from his epically bad hair piece.  Here’s a hint Dougie:  the doo-rags and hats didn’t work for Bret Michaels – it isn’t working you.     Let it go, you look like an idiot.

Whoretney dresses up as Lita Ford, and Doug as Freddy Crougar.  (What is UP with his melty face?!) 

 Of course, Court brings nothing to the group.  First of all, she’s still a child.  I have a feeling if you asked her this question in a therapy session ten years from now it would be this answer:  When I was 16 my parents married me off to a creepy old pedophile because they were horrible people who didn’t love me.  I then was forced into sex work to keep the money coming in, and now I am struggling to overcome a crippling meth addiction and deblitating self-esteem issues.  Thanks Dr. Drew.”

Ugh, she’s very defensive and basically says her childhood was all unicorn farts and rainbows. 

Alex interrupts her rehearsed monologue of perfect life and says:  We’re hearing about the didn’ts and the won’ts, but what DID happen? What DIDN’T happen?

And I cheer, because obviously something has happened in her life to make her so defensive.  But I think what happened, what is so traumatic, she is undergoing at this moment.  I think also that Dr. Jenn sees that and this is perhaps why she’s been so patient with her.  God blessyou Doc, but I think it’s a lost cause and you may just have to help her pick up the pieces on the other side of this thing.

Courtney further distances herself from the group, when Alex says, we’re all doing a tremendous amount of work, and you’renot.  we’re standing here naked,” and Court interrupts and says, “giggle – I am too!  giggle.”

Bitch – slap

Jojo never says much but he never has to, his eyes say it all. Which is, “Crazy bitch is giving me a good reason to drink today, besides you know, waking up this morning.”

Nik gets up to walk out, Simon tells them they can leave, it’s a full on fed up confrontation at the absolute ignorant, delusional, and arrogant bullshit show these two have beenputting on.  The whole group is collectively up in arms and disgusted with them.  And it’s absolutely wonderful to watch. 

Courtney refuses to accept that she’s the reason people are frustrated and continues to blame everybody else for the way they feel about her.  She is so inspid and useless it is mindblowing.  She’s failing at life before she’s even started, and that is depressing.

Nik and Simon have a mano a mano discussion, in the pool with Nik cuddling a floatie, and Simon says that Courtney is a mess, and again somene speaks for us the viewer and says “take away the long hair, the puffed up lips, the puffed up boobs, all you have is a vacuous blond.” 

Nik is just soaking in the madness 

 

Simon drinking away the madness 

The next segment is one of those mood killing serious segments that none of you click on this link to read about.  Short version:   Alex, like many of us, has serious mother issues.  The good ol’ Doc wants her to call her Mom to see if she’ll meet with them to discuss some of those issues.  From Simon’s reaction, I suspect there’s lots of sad backstory here and he has little patience for the mother’s bullshit.  Just a hunch.

Delusional Doug is shocked at the vision of his Victoria’s Secret Angel, whose secret involves a health screening 

Delusional Doug starts his next dramatic acting piece, wherein he pretends to be concerned about Courtney’s state of dress, saying that it affects his marriage because of the “stress” her Courtney-wear brings.  I think you and I can agree that this, along with his very sad hairpiece, is completely fake.  Doug loves the attention she brings, he loves the drama and it creates an opportunity for the two of them to get more screentime.

The whole scene devolves into a very bizarre scene, wherein Courtney begins defending her choice to dress, or rather undress, by stating the following:

1.  She’s a champion for bullies;

2.  She saves lives by showing her naughty bits

3.  She’s the modern day Erin Brokovitch of the 21st Century for stripper-wear

It quickly becomes hysterical as Doc Jenn arrives, prepared to tear them a new one, and the entire group becomes giddy and delirious with the opportunity to eavesdrop.

Shayne:  use a glass next time, it really helps with acoustics 

Group Session:  wherein everyone finds the closure they were looking for

 The good Doc isn’t having any of it.  She tells Courtney that her refusal to wear ordinary clothing is an “eff you” to her and the process.  She also calls Delusional out on his fairy tale land that he’s built around Courtney’s measurements, basically telling him that he is a big problem with why she will never grow and accept accountability.  Huzzah Dr. J!

You guys, I think that Dr. J knows she’s been given a big turd with this couple being here in the house, but tried to make it a sandwich as best as she could.  However, Court and her creepy ass husband never intended to do any real “work” per say, instead they acted out in order to garner more screentime and to give me more words to type.  Therefore, Dr. J is just blowing hot air. 

I will give her credit though.  Because she is seeingthis situation for what it really is.  A life-destroying event in Courtney’s life.  Let’s all reconvene in ten years and see how this little plastic faired in life, shall we?

Delusional Doug encourages Courtney to keep bringing up her very weak argument about Erin Brokovitch, and I realize that these two have planned this out.  This Erin Brokovitch bit was planned before they ever got into the house.  The y KNEW this would happen, and have their reactions and defenses all organized.  What they didn’t plan on was Dr. J actually knowing Erin, and couldn’t have found a WORSE EXAMPLE!  Turds.

Ugh.  Dr. J breaks it down for idiot Courtney and says, “so who you are is essentially what you’re wearing?”  And Doug interjects, again and supplies a good excuse for her:  “It’s an expression.”

An expression of what?  A health clinic visit? I am confused here you two. What is she trying to express that’s so important?  Don’t bang old dudes with no money, stay in school, use your brain not your ass to get ahead in life?  Message received!

The house members crack me up because they are SO VERY MUCH OVER the Courtney and Doug variety act.  Tiny says she’s tired of seeing a bitch’s butt cheeks hanging out, and they all agree that she dresses like a stripper.  So our favorite NY housewife (on this show) scrambles up some dollars, runs into the room WHILE Dr. J is having her one on one with these a-holes, and stuffs the money in Courtney’s g-string/skirt. 

Courtney says, “You see?  Judgment.”

I say, no honey, that’s called “Profit.”  If I go to work, and type all day long, I get $$ an hour.  When you show your body all day long, you earn a living.  You see where I’m going with this?  YOu might as well get $$$$ for it, which isn’t that what you’re doing on this show, num-nuts?  I thought so.

Besides that being in very poor taste (but thank you Alex)  Dr. J tells these two to get the hell out of her counseling center and not to let the door hit her in the very scantily behind when she leaves.

OMG, sorry to go but I have to plan the next reality show for us to hijack and contaminate 

On their way out, Shayne maturely tells, Glad to see you go!  Sorry you stayed so long!

OMG honey!  What will we do now?  I hear Honey Boo Boo needs a new neighbor/baby sitter/husband . . .

 

The best part is the harried cast’s reaction to their leaving the house.  They all rush the glass doors, arms open and fake-cry that the freak show is leaving.  I giggle uncontrollably.

Whyyyyy?!!!  What will we do about our ratings, our problems are so very NORMALLLLL!!  WHYYYY!!!!! 

 

Okay Gasmii, our time is up and I need a stiff drink after having to endure this madness.  What did you all think?  I think we all know these two idiots are coming back, so eff them.   Do they upset you as much as they upset me?  Because I’m torn y’all between hating on Court and actually feeling bad for her because I can see the big steam engine of life running her over in a few years and  it won’t be pretty. Or I could be wrong and she marries a very rich Japanese businessman and I’ll have to eat my words.

 And as a special treat for you all, I am including a picture of my dog who dressed as Whoretney for Halloween . . .

Cookie dressed as Whoretney, showing less cleavage and being a real bitch 

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eyediosmio

I'm a part time writer, full time wife and Doberman wrangler in steamy South Florida.  I try to keep my sanity by watching loads of reality tv so I can feel better about myself.  It's a lazy way to maintain my moral compass, but I'm too lazy to drive to church every Sunday. 

18 Comments

  1. 1
    ecthelion
    Posted November 4, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    Oh man, Doug’s melty face IS creepy, isn’t it? And his total denial and submission to every bit of disrespect she tosses his way churns my stomach so I don’t which is harder to watch. Plus I hate him for taking one of my favorite movies (The Green Mile) and turning it in to one that I will never be able to watch again. But, like most of us Trainwreck=I keep watching which makes me hate myself so I may need therapy by the time this season is over. Oh, when Doug made the comment that he just wants to be Courtney’s equal?? Was he riding on the back of Gary Busey’s bike when it crashed because he shows absolutely no grown up understanding what-so-ever!! And the Nic flirting? If I were Shane I would have kicked her a** right then and there.

  2. 2
    ecthelion
    Posted November 4, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    *know* which is harder to watch, sorry.

  3. 3
    LadyStardust
    Posted November 4, 2012 at 11:55 pm

    Yeah, fuck you Doug for also making Lost utterly unwatchable during any scene you were in. Thanks a lot, douche.

    I’m failing to see how she “saves lives” (eye roll) or is taking a stand for repressed individuals by dressing like a cheap hooker. She’s taking a stand for people who can’t dress how they want? Who can’t dress how they want? Children who’s parents won’t let them leave the house in stripper wear? Uh, sure, there’s a good cause. People who have a dress code at work and are therefore unable to dress how they want? I’m sure they need to be saved by Courtney. Unless she’s speaking for the poor women in burkas over in the middle east, then I’m not so sure who she is trying to save.

    And why are all of her shorts/jeans hiked up so HIGH? I know high waisted pants are coming back into style, but dear lord hers look weird. Like they’re higher on the sides than in the middle. It’s like she yanks them up on the sides to get maximum camel toe and/or under-butt cleavage.

  4. 4
    thespiral
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 5:12 am

    I think the continued existence of the Dourtney trainwreck on this show is a clear sign the therapy angle is fake fake FAKE. Because there’s no real group couple’s therapy in existence that would keep people around who make a mockery of the process, constantly argue with the therapist, and actually jeopardize other people’s therapeutic processes (i.e. propositioning a married man who’s there to fix his marriage.) They would’ve been unceremoniously kicked out of any REAL therapy session, so this just shows it’s a ratings game and that Vh1 cares as much about saving these peoples’ relationships as they care about keeping people sober and not dead on Celebrity Rehab. So that makes Tiny’s confession of sexual abuse twice as sad, since she is obviously opening up as she would to a real therapist, and she’s actually just being exploited for ratings.

    Also, if I were Shayne I would’ve opened an ALMIGHTY can of whoop ass on that little tart, and would’ve gladly caught a child abuse charge for it. Hitting on a married man with kids in couple’s therapy is more than just annoying, it’s straight up evil and BEGGING for an old fashioned beatdown.

  5. 5
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 6:28 am

    @ecthelion and LadyStardust: I’m not a huge fan of either the movie (Green Mile – seen it once, too sad won’t watch again; Lost – i stopped watching after season 1 – too obtuse), so he hasn’t ruined any good tv/movie for me, thank God. Although Courtney has ruined pink frosted lipstick for me FOR LIFE!

    @thespiral: It is a total insult to the word “Therapy” that they are allowing an underage age girl hit on other patients, and to behave the way she does. It actually does more harm than good, and it’s a total sham. However, you r so right re: Tiny, because she’s actually trying to work through some issue.

    BUT, why WHY WHY would you ever go on tv and talk about your marital problems? I don’t really even discuss things with FRIENDS because I keep my marriage so very sacred, you know? So I think here everyone had to know what they could have been in for. I mean, they had Linda Hogan on last time with her little boy toy. . . as IF that’s a serious relationship. Gross.

  6. 6
    Honeybee
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Whoreass is taking a cue from the \embrace your individuality and be who you are\ that is in general geared toward outcasts. In general that applies to young adults who are not following the masses. So for her to basterdize it as an excuse for her inappropriate behavior is just a slap in the face to society.

    What this girl fails to realize is that \who you are, is not what you wear\. If this chick took off her stripper wear, took off her pushup bra, put her hair in a ponytail, and scrapped off all of that makeup she would be just another 17 year old girl. Nobody would look at her and nobody would talk about her. If she wanted that she would be with a guy her own age and graduating high school. But EVERYONE knows that’s not the goal. The goal was to become famous. What she didn’t realize is that fame and infamy are two very different things. Doug loves the attention they both get. I hope they both just fade away and never return.

  7. 7
    sweetblondie
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Whatever ends up happening for Courtney…my guess is she’ll be able to make herself relevant for a long time to come (see: Lindsay Lohan).

    It’s Doug’s next 10 years that I’m looking foward to seeing…

  8. 8
    mere2142
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Okay I have never seen this show but decided to read since I have a passing knowledge of the existence of Doug and Courtney. But Alex and Simon are on as well? From RHONY?? Someone please tell me when this trainwreck is on because I think I’m missing some amazing reality tv here!

  9. 9
    jp
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 10:39 am

    If courtney does end up marrying someone wealthy and having a great life after doug it will be a sad day for us all. But at least we still have self respect right?

    This my favorite TV doc in a while, yeah its on tv so some of it is for ratings but she does not seem nearly as vile as Dr drew and I think she is pretty good at working with celebrities and understanding their special brand of bullshit.

    I know what Alex did was really uncalled for but it was also hilarious. So on the fence with that one!

    I think coutney just makes nik want to vomit. Me too. I cant believe shayne was able to hold herself back during the big flirt scene! Good for her, not sure if I could have done the same! Courtney needs to go visit a hospital or something and see what \saving lives\ is really like, I assure you that it is nothing like what she is doing here! She contributes NOTHING to society!!

    I remember from a while ago courtney said she would never go to college but only the \school of doug\ barf barf barf!

  10. 10
    LadyStardust
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 11:48 am

    sweetblondie: See, the thing with Lindsay Lohan is that she actually had some talent before she snorted it all up her nose. She had a lot going for her BEFORE she became a cracked out fame-whore. Courtney is just the latter (come on, she has to be on SOMETHING with those weird facial tics and stuff).

    I’m hoping Courtney and Doug fade away in the same way as Spencer and Heidi. So absolutely irritating and useless that their outrageous antics didn’t even warrant anyone paying attention anymore. Aren’t they broke and living with his mom or something now? Doug has said that he is pretty much blacklisted in Hollywood now. Courtney obviously has no useful skills unless she gets into stripping or porn (which I’m sure is against her very high “Christian” ethics). I can’t see them getting their own reality show. Sure, people like the Kardashians are useless and can be irritating and have a reality show, but Dourtney just makes people feel disgusted. There’s absolutely nothing redeeming about those two. So, I see the money drying up very quickly as well as their “fame”.

  11. 11
    MissKris RTVfan
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    There’s no way to post pictures here, right? Courtney tweeted a picture of herself without make up, and while she still does her weirdo pornstar wanna-be come fuck me face, she actually looks like a very pretty fresh faced young girl. Unfortunately a very damaged young girl. Too bad we’ll likely never see just what has happened in her life to have made her so effed up. Because there’s no way she got this way with a rainbows and unicorns upbringing.

    Inevitably Dourtney will go the way of Speidi, where news outlets and paparazzi ban themselves from giving them any attention, no matter what they do to get it. It’s so sad, this girl’s life is over before it even started if she continues in this manner. I really can’t stand her, but my pity for her is much stronger than my hatred.

  12. 12
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Courtney is a straight up whore. She may not be selling it, but she’s got that whore ‘tude in spades. That isn’t going to change. When you watch her face it isn’t the vacuous expression of a dull girl it is the intelligent face of a feral creature who would eff you and roll you for your wallet. I think she’s a sociopath. And there’s no way she and Doug haven’t calculated every word and move for maximum exposure in preparation for the next phase of their ‘relationship’, which will occur once she turns eighteen. I think they were hoping for more legit work but will settle for a stellar porn career. Because of her notoriety and exposure underage now, she is all set to make big bucks in porn once she hits eighteen. Sadly, she already looks like a washed up forty year old hooker now so I’m not sure how long the ‘bloom’ will be on that rose once she goes there. But if they don’t get legit gigs mark my words, the porn career is next on the horizon.

    And not to be obnoxious, but it’s ‘per se’ not ‘per say’. Just sayin’. :)

  13. 13
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    @Andyourlittledogtoo: Thanks for that! I always welcome corrections, trust.

    and you are right, she’s pigeonholed herself regarding entertainment opportunities, so she will only find work in the adult industry. But she knows it, she is very very calculating and relying on her “youth” as an excuse to behave the way she does. It’s so weird and twisted.

    And I am enjoying the Doc more and more, she frequently calls peopleout on their bullshit and I have a feeling Alex will get a nice ass chewing out of her dollars for dances bit, even though it cracked me up.

  14. 14
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    Oh, and while I’m at this I want to express the opinion that although obviously something somewhere went wrong during Courtney’s childhood I think her parents were thrilled to be rid of her based on what we’ve seen of her personality. They probably were so happy when Doug took her away they couldn’t wait to sign the papers allowing the marriage to go forward. I love my kids but if Courtney were one of mine I honestly can’t say I wouldn’t be happy to see her gone from my home and my sight. The girl is a sociopath. If she’d hooked up with a different man we’d probably be seeing her in ten years on one of those ID famous murderers shows – Wicked Attraction or something.

    I guess we’ll see what happens and who is right after time passes. But that’s my take on Courtney.

  15. 15
    Dinah
    Posted November 6, 2012 at 2:35 am

    Sorry, Andyourlittledogtoo, but mommy lives next door. her mom is the person who made her like this, suggested they get married, etc, etc. Krista is a crazy bitch, as is well-known in Ocean Shores. She’s also known for being calculating and vicious. She has planned most of this out, and as soon as she was away from Ocean Shores and her husband, she started looking for fresh (read: wealthy) meat for herself, as well. She’s boinking some new-age guru type, and he and his idiot friends are apparently OBLIVIOUS to who and what she is! Dad is back in Ocean Shores, probably having to send his paycheque, because they sure ain’t makin’ bank! A radio DJ once, for some unknown reason, wanted to promote Courtney’s ‘music’. She e-mailed back that they wanted $3 MILLION! He said it wasn’t a paying gig, he was going to be promoting her in MANY cities and markets, but she said, \Too bad, we want money!\ This is the kind of crap she pulls, and when she gets called on it, she tries to claim she was ‘hacked’. She is racist, homophobic, and just plain stupid.

  16. 16
    screamingsiren
    Posted November 6, 2012 at 5:25 am

    @dinah – Doesn’t Courtney have sisters? Are they like her or are they “normal”?

  17. 17
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted November 6, 2012 at 10:21 am

    @Dinah – wait wait WAIT! The Momager is around? That kind of makes some weird Svengali sense – and is so CREEEEEEPY! This just gets grosser and grosser

  18. 18
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted November 9, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Believe it or not I actually think Dr. J genuinely cares about her patients – like for realsies – as you alluded to, eyediosmio. She appeared seriously upset that the kid, yup, KID, she had been treating was leaving a place that could potentially help her fucked up, hyper sexual, manipulative little girl self (on the inside, anyway).

    My other minority opinion is that Dougie-Fresh (I love it when Nik called him that lol) really is bothered by her style or lack thereof. I would bet he realizes the gimmick only lasts as long as she stays controversial, however, what he really wants is for his WIFE to stop being a whore-ish spectacle and to give HIM the attention she forces on others. What a cluster fuck!

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