Dallas Recap: All Hat And No Cattle

We open with John Ross outside Elena’s house on Southfork.  He reminisces about growing up and Elena wants him to come back to bed, but he can’t because the oil isn’t going to drill itself.  Elena can’t either, John Ross, maybe you should take a hint.  Elena tells him she doesn’t believe in the war,but she believes in the warrior.  This isn’t Gerard Butler in 300, it’s Southfork.

Bobby is popping pills when John Ross comes up.  Bobby tells john Ross that he is all hat and no cattle.  I really don’t know what the hell that means.  Don’t ranchers wear hats?  John Ross’s foreman comes up and tells him that Ryland pulled all their trucks.  John Ross points out the obvious connection to Ann and Bobby is pissed.

If I weren’t such a good person, I would bitch-slap you 

Douchebag Tommy comes home pissed and hating the state of Texas.  Tommy is wearing a straw fedora that accentuates his douche-like nature.  You may have picked up that I don’t really like Tommy.

 Bobby questions Ann about the trucks and gets mad that she went to her ex husband.  Bobby tells Ann that he had it under control.  He had a deal with the riggers to stage a sick-out.  He doesn’t want her deal with Ryland to bite them in the ass. 

John Ross is calling to find tankers while J.R.’s henchman watches on.  Christopher shows up and wants to know what John Ross has on his dad.  John Ross calls his bluff and tells him to just call the cops.  Christopher is all ‘if you go down, at least justice will have won’.

This argument would be so much more interesting if neither of them had shirts on

 
Rebecca shows up to talk to Bobby and Christopher.  She has something that could save Southfork.  She show them the invoice for  a trust that separates the land rights from the mineral rights on Southfork.  Christopher is still being a hard ass and doesn’t want to trust her.  Bobby tells her that this doesn’t erase everything she did, but they will take it from there.  My how things have changed since they were doing each other in the country club locker room.

Since they are obviously trying to make Rebecca the token martyr of the show, she will now be given some kind of mysterious illness.  As she walks to her car, she rubs her nose and it is bleeding. She starts to sway when Elena shows up.  Elena, who evidently isn’t aware that nosebleeds happen, runs over and asks Rebecca if she is ok.  Instead of answering “yeah, just a nosebleed”, Rebecca shakes her head no.

Bobby and christopher are either looking for a safe deposit key or filming a segment of ‘storage wars’.  Christopher is still bitching about Rebecca.  He finally tells his dad about trying to blackmail his cousin.  Bobby spouts off some Mike Brady-worthy wisdom and they keep looking.

How much do you think we can get for this table?

J.R.’s henchman calls him to fill him in on the DVD situation.  Like any father of the year, J.R. points out that he threw him in the briar patch so he would learn how to get out.  J.R. Is milking his skeezy old man character by having three women massage him and give him manicures.  J.R. Mentions subplot 476- Cliff Barnes trying to bring gambling to Texas.

Did the girl with the fan and grapes need to take a bathroom break?

Bobby and Christopher find a desk and a key to the Texas National Bank.  That’s it.  I don’t know how to elaborate on that, but it’s necessary to the plot, so I had to mention it.

We skip to some kind of doctor’s office where Rebecca is sitting on an exam table.  Elena asks what the doctor said and Rebecca says that’s he is fine, the doctor just wants to run some more tests.  I’m calling brain tumor.  Rebecca tells Elena she is sorry about the email and that at least now Elena and Christopher can be together.  Elena says that isnot going to happen because of Christopher.

Really, I’m fine.  Doctors run tests because of a nosebleed all the time.  You go on home.

John Ross is hanging out when a typical Mexican thug shows up to make not so veiled threats about having the oil delivered.  John Ross wets himself and then does what any self respecting man would do.  He runs to mommy.  He wants Sue Ellen to use her political power to persuade Ryland to send his trucks back.  Sue Ellen rambles on about wanting to be the first honest politician and John Ross plays the neglected kid card and then pulls out the big guns and implies that his nefarious partners will kill him.

He goes back to his condo and picks up a miniature oil tower and throws it to the ground.  This is evidently the bat signal for crazy.  Not Marta shows up and wants John Ross back.  He tells her off and kicks her out.  In case she wasn’t quite unhinged enough, I’m sure this won’t comeback to haunt him.

Sorry, we’re all filled up on crazy here.  We don’t need any more.

Bobby and Christopher go to the bank, where a very informative bank employee takes them to the safe deposit box.  Inside is a pistol and other random things,  the, Christopher finds the pot of gold.  They have the mineral rights trust and are excited that there won’t be drilling on Southfork.

John Ross and Elena arrive at home and Elena is obviously clueless.  The door is open and obvious,y looks tampered with and all she can say is that she didn’t remember leaving the door opened.  John Ross isn’t that dumb about Not Marta because he is immediately on guard.  I don’t know how in the hell Elena doesn’t pick up on how is acting.  Then again, her fiancé broke up with her by email the day before their wedding and she never questioned that, so maybe common sense isn’t her sting suit.

What could possible be wrong?

John Ross finds the infamous picture of him and Elena with a knife through it on a cutting board.  At least she didn’t have a pet rabbit or I bet there would be a pot of water boiling on the stove.

How many copies of this damn picture are there?

John Ross tells her negotiating a call from his foreman and has to run out.  He tells her to lock the door behind him and tells the two ranch hands conveniently outside to watch the house and not let anybody but him in.  He goes to Not Marta’s and she is gone along with her belongings.

Although the storyline bores me, I feel obligated to mention that Cliff Barnes’ driver stops by to see J.R. about joining Cliff’s poker game.

John Ross sits J.R.’s henchman on Marta.  He acts like he didn’t already know that the bitch was crazy.

 In subplot 512, Ann receives flowers and a gift that she thinks is from Bobby, but is actually for her ex husband.  The gift is a locket of some kind that causes Ann to cry hysterically. Bobby finds her and reads the card.

I wonder if Hallmark has a sleazy ex-husband section? 

He then pays Ryland a visit which consists of him bitch slapping Ryland.  So much for Bobby being the rational Ewing brother.  And a grown man.

You better watch yourself or I will go all junior high cheerleader on your ass!

During the commercial break we get a idea of the target audience, because they are showing a movie preview with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones experimenting with sex.

Sue Ellen pays Ryland a visit and he agrees to send his trucks back and goes a step further by donating to her campaign.  What a good way to start your political career, by being indebted to a corrupt asshole.  At least your son won’t be murdered by Mexican drug lords.

I guess if my marriage to J.R. didn’t kill my campaign from the get go, what the hell.

Bobby and Christopher show John Ross the trust and he pretty much shits himself.

Rebecca is on the phone with what I’m guessing is a doctor, saying that she will make an appointment soon.  Oh yeah, I’m definitely going with brain tumor.  Tommy comes in and is upset about the trust for Southfork.  He realizes that Rebecca is responsible for them getting the trust.  She tells him she is done and that she is in love with Christopher.  Oh, and she is pregnant.  What!!!!!  I have been pregnant twice and I never had the obvious symptom of a nosebleed.  What about morning sickness, being tired, being lightheaded?  Allow those and the writers decided to go with nosebleed.  Because I really want to be right, I’m going to believe that the writers intended for it to be a brain tumor, but then changed it at the last minute to pregnancy.  We again are going to end on a dramatic revelation by Rebecca.  Also, a random piece of trivia for you-last week I saw the actress that plays Rebecca in a Vagisil commercial.

I wonder if Vagisil can cause nosebleeds?

Thanks everyone for reading – I’m sorry the recap is so late! Please leave any comments and I’ll see you next week!