Upstairs, Melissa says she’s been online all day looking for a honeymoon spot. Christi asks if she sneaked off and got married since she’s wearing a wedding ring. No, but she is planning a wedding. This is an interesting development. What happened to wedding chat being grounds for legal action? Shrill suggests that they have shower for Melissa. Christi says last time they tried that, they were rewarded with cease and desist letters. But Shrill says it’s different now. Christi asks if that means all the divorces went through. LOL.
Shrill and Holly are sniping at each other about Shrill’s sneakiness during Duet-gate last week, but I didn’t watch so I have no idea what they’re talking about and I don’t care. It doesn’t matter because it’s the same bullshit argument that one or all of them has every week.
Jabby’s at the front desk with Gia when she gets a phone call from a man! She takes the phone into the studio and acts all giggly like a 15-year-old.
I’m wearing bacon, what are you wearing?
Melissa immediately runs upstairs to tattle to the other moms. Christi says that this is probably the first “boy” to call Jabby, and Kelly says she hopes Jabby gets laid so she won’t be such a miserable bitch. Then she complains that Jabby is wasting the girls’ rehearsal time by being on the phone. Oh shut up, Kelly. Get a refill on your cosmo and settle down. Downstairs, Jabby is cackling into the phone.
Christi says she really doesn’t want to know what’s going on with Jabby’s love life, but they learn that Jabby met the guy at a gas station after speed dating. Holly asks if he offered to “pump her gas” and Jabby says he did. Ew. Shrill, Melissa and Holly are all excited and volunteer to help her with hair, makeup and clothes.
Satan’s personal makeover team
Jabby says she’s been on PLENTY of dates before and doesn’t need their help. (Do I even need to make the Niagara Falls joke at this point, or can it just be assumed?)
In the midst of all this, Mackenzie has supposedly hurt her foot and may not be able to be in the group dance. But she doesn’t want to let Jabby down, so she will try.
Jabby is at the nail salon preparing for her date. She says the only thing she ever does to pamper herself is her nails and the occasional happy ending massage furnished by Shrill. Shrill, Holly and Melissa show up to torment her and Jabby calls them “three blind mice.” They harass her about what she’s gonna wear on the date. One of them drapes a scarf around Jabby’s neck, but Jabby says cleavage is the only thing she’s got going for her and makes them take it off.
Maybe you should move it higher