Dance Moms Recap: Don’t Ask. Just Hell

42 Comments

1. 1
   TurtleGirl93
   Posted March 15, 2013 at 12:36 pm

   I’m still trying to wrap my head around the whole Flowers in the Attic thing. I wonder if they have a ballet bar and stained mattress in a corner of the attic?? (Yeah, I still remember that much some 20+ years after clandestinely sneaking the book home) Did the owner not read the book before naming his/her shop?

2. 2
   Kathleen
   Posted March 15, 2013 at 1:00 pm

   okay is it me or did anyone else feel like Kelly has never met any ‘gay people’ ever in her life.
   every time she said ‘gay people’ with those big buggy eyeballs I just got creeped out shivers. Something about when someone says ‘gay people’ that just rubs me the wrong way. It was the awkwardest conversation i’ve watched in a while. granted she was telling her girls to be accepting but I dunno. it just seemed weird and a little like she had no idea what she was talking about and was making it up as she went along.

   But on a lighter note. YAY!! Thank all that is holy in Snarkdom this recap is finally up. SnoopK8 you have no idea how many times I’ve checked the site waiting for it. It makes my work week worthwhile and trust me this week was hard. Now I can happily go home and get happy drunk instead of angry drunk (no one wants that)

   WELCOME BACK!

3. 3
   Kathleen
   Posted March 15, 2013 at 1:04 pm

   wtf i didnt see brookes solo or the bit about kenzie’s foot on the online episode i watched either. damnit lifetime get your editing shnat together

4. 4
   ANTM Fan
   Posted March 15, 2013 at 1:05 pm

   Thank you for mentioning Melissa’s fake eyelashes! They were driving me nuts this episode. The moms always look like prostitute clowns during the talking head bits, but Melissa’s eyelashes are out of control.

   Remember the scene where Kelly was at Melissa’s house talking about MacKenzie’s injury? She (Kelly) wasn’t wearing a whole lot of makeup, and she looked SO much prettier than she normally does. Why do these woman think they need to be Botoxed, covered in rhinestones, and caked in three inches of makeup to look good?

   I thought the moment when Jill said, “I want to use this beautiful girl right now” was priceless. Yup, that’s exactly what you’re doing Jill…using your child to satisfy your own need for fame.

5. 5
   CrisB83
   Posted March 15, 2013 at 1:05 pm

   For some reason, in the scene where Maddie is learning her solo, the way she moves (it’s like she is leading with her head…) reminds me of a frustrated sperm. I had to go back and watch that scene a couple of times. Yep, totally a frustrated sperm.

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   Kathleen
   Posted March 15, 2013 at 1:11 pm

   lol haha CrisB83. Thats so true!!!

   okay another note. I liked that Jabby sent the kids out before talking to the mothers this week. I dont know what made her do it but I think it was a good thing, as it eliminates at least that one item for the moms to bitch about. (unfortunately – or fortunately depending on your view- they will always find something else to bitch about)

   Maybe I should stop and think about everything I want to say and put it in one comment. But I’m not the brightest bitch in the box apparently.

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   SnoopK8
   Posted March 15, 2013 at 1:26 pm

   Shit. Of course I meant 180 pounds of “TWISTED Steel and sex appeal.” Dammit.

   @Kathleen I’m glad you will be a happy drunk and not an angry one tonight And yeah, the Kelly gay convo was really weird.

8. 8
   DM
   Posted March 15, 2013 at 1:27 pm

   Hate to break it to you but next week is 2 hours too. I’m not sure what the point in these two hour episodes is at all. There is the same number of weeks scheduled, just longer episodes. The audience gets bored after the first hour and it’s ratings suicide putting the first hour up against Pretty Little Liars.

   It was nice to see the full dances but I don’t care at all about Abby going on a date or Melissa trying on wedding dresses. The less I know about their personal lives the better.

9. 9
   Kathleen
   Posted March 15, 2013 at 1:33 pm

   I agree,DM (sorry for comment spamming but work is boring me brainless right now) I would rather see the full dances for ALL the girls and what happens in relation to the studio. The thought of Jabby actually having a ‘private’ life makes me want to gag. and Melissa seriously STFU already. You’re not 25 getting married for the first time. And that dress was way inappropriate for the ‘small intimate wedding’ that you supposedly want.

10. 10
    MrsRogerSterling
    Posted March 15, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    I hate to say this, but Chloe has the unfortunate Shannon Doherty wonky face. The asymmetry seems to be getting worse.

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    IrishGirl
    Posted March 15, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    You guys remember when Brooke and Abby had lunch so Brooke could ask to be back on the team after CheerGate? Flowers in the Attic is where they went. So I guess that place is on Lifetime’s payroll.

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    Recka
    Posted March 15, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    I wonder if there is a link between Abbys “man friend” in LA, (who people say is gay but she talks of a special friend and there as photos of Abby squeezing his bum), and the group dance theme. when she was explaining it to holly she was saying “secrets are lies, tell the truth about who you are, dont hide it” in a semi-aggressive way…

13. 13
    Kathleen
    Posted March 15, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    Holy crap on a cracker toast a frog and serve it to me with a side of eggnog I just finished reading Flowers in the Attic!! I had never read it before and felt the need to better understand certain comments and oh jiminy cricket! That’s an intense book. Partway through I went and grabbed my blonde blue eyed 6yr old and brought him into bed with me while I finished it. I didn’t want to let him go. Man ppl are horrible! WHY?! Just WHY?! Would you name a restaurant after a book in which children are fed bad tasting food that was also poisoned? I certainly wouldn’t trust them. Jesus!!!

14. 14
    Lah198
    Posted March 15, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    I don’t know if it’s because they showed quite a bit more of the dances this week, but I was impressed by Maddie’s solo this week. She still had her usual pained expression, but the dance seemed quicker and seemed to have a lot more complicated moves in it. I am usually bored by her solos but this week I found myself saying “Wow, that was pretty damn good” this time.

15. 15
    Tapnfeet99
    Posted March 15, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    Omg Lifetime, please continue to show full dances and cut some of the constant screaming out to make room for it. So much nicer to judge full routines. Personally, I loved Maddie’s solo this week.

    It’s hard to believe Brooke and Paige are sisters. Paige is shooting up like a super skinny weed, and Brooke has seemed to stop at a very short height, especially when you see her standing next to Kelly. Maybe all those back bendy things stunted her spine’s growth.

    I think Mack was faking. No doctor tells you that a sprain will heal by not dancing on it for THREE DAYS. Three weeks, maybe. Sometimes sprains take longer to heal than even fractures.

    Abby’s date reminded me of Alan Ball (I think thats his name?) that was the lead in the revival of Cabaret and is now on The Good Wife. That’s who I thought it was at first! Does not surprise me that he took her there…he was incredibly weird.

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    Stormy
    Posted March 15, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    Mrs. Roger Sterling…I doubt you hated to say it. Chloe is an 11 year old and a pre-pubescent. All girls her age have to grow into their face and next time you want to make a comment (Hateful or not) look in the mirror.

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    Tapnfeet99
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 3:24 am

    Stormy, this is a snarky website, meant to poke fun at shows.

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    April
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 6:04 am

    I watch them on Lifetime.com and that part was left out of the epi for me too. I was like What happened to Brooke’s solo and the whole Abby yelling about the cartwheels part? I did not know what happened. I was worried I might have had a stroke and missed it or something.

    Very funny recap as usual. I think by saying Maddie’s dance was edgier means they were trying for Sophia Lucia’s style more. Maddie does more graceful flowy type dance and Sophia’s is more sharp and moody and I think Maddie was trying to do that style. At least that was how it seemed to me. I thought she did a great job and actually liked watching her whole dance since she is so good.

    I also liked the group dance. Better hip hop than they normally do. Loved the costumes. Nothing to do with DADT though. Just a military themed hip hop number. It would have been funny if she made one of them be the lesbian that gets ostracized by the other girls.

    Damn I feel ugly, no guy has ever offered to pump my gas out of nowhere. That guy could be good looking if he did something with the odd facial hair. Don’t know what he sees in Abby though. Money perhaps?

    You had me at the “So are these people just drunk all the time now?” LOL! Seems so and I admit I am kinda jealous. I have so much fun when I am sloshed.

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    ellemenop
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 7:27 am

    i actually think abby had a good point on the cleavage issue. and that scarf loooked horrible surrounding the three chins and giant hair, anyway. not that i would call those moms style experts, anyway. also, is “guys from LA” code for gay best friends?

    abby’s date resembled a werewolf wit that facial hair. i missed the “rented the whole place just for her” part. i mean, although i’m sure it was really lifetime who did it (or that people decided not to eat there when they realized what was going on), it does still come across as mega creepy … ESPECIALLY somewhere called flowers in the attic.

    i don’t think ANY of the dresses melissa tried on were appropriate for a “small, intimate wedding,” even if she WERE in her 20s. when all you have is family, you just get a nice, long dress — it doesn’t even have to be white — and call it a day. anyone walking into a room of 15 witnesses in a dress with a TRAIN and a VEIL just looks like an idiot.

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    TurtleGirl93
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 11:21 am

    I spent the morning on FitA’s website (the florist/restaurant, not the book). It says they do dinner for parties of 15 or more–I’m guessing someone(Lifetime) dropped some dough for the dinner date, or FitA jumped on the free advertising bandwagon.
    I agree with several comments above–I’d much rather see the dances as opposed to the screaming matches. Or Abby’s adventures in dating. Personally (assuming she really met him at the gas station) I think he recognized her and asked her out for the TV time. He certainly seemed to be posing for the camera while he was waiting on her. Something about him reminded me of the Jersey Shore boys.

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    LadyStardust
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 11:55 am

    That dress was gorgeous but wasn’t it sort of overkill? I mean Melissa is a 40-some year old, mother of two, on her 2nd wedding. I thought it just made her look old and haggard since it looked like a wedding dress a 25 year old would wear. Eh, I guess maybe she didn’t get to have a nice wedding or something the first time and now that she has money she’s going all out.

    Abbie was acting like a loon on that date. And FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC??

    I wasn’t watching that close, but McKenzie did seem to be doing some pretty sad, half assed cartweels and trying to stay off her foot. Right, she probably shouldn’t have been on it at all, but she’s what? 8? When they showed the footage I was expecting her to be doing backflips all over or something.

    And I’m super jealous that these 10 year olds can do 20 pushups and I can barely do 2.

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    IrishGirl
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Turtlegirl93, did you notice on Flowers website they do special events and such? I was thinking Melissa’s wedding and/or reception will be held there. The address is on the same street as ALDC, Saltsburg Road.

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    chaosbutterfly
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    I am not a big fan of Abby’s cleavage…she has that uncomfortable kind where the boobs lie against the skin and it looks floppy. I can’t describe it better than that, but it’s not that cute.
    She really needs a better bra to push those puppies up.

    Anyway, Shrill is so desperate and sad.
    It’s really funny how she progressed from sticking her head into Kendall’s headshots to full on shoving Kendall out of the seat so she could do what she wanted all along and just get some pictures of herself. Even Cathy didn’t take it that far when she forced Vivi into getting those headshots that one time.
    To his credit , the photographer didn’t even react, he just kept on trucking. I would have been like Ma’am (or Bitch, depending on my mood), what exactly are you doing?

    Kenzie /was/ cartwheeling without really putting weight on her foot, but I don’t think she was that hurt either. I think she was just scared and didn’t want to do it.
    It made me laugh when Jabby forced her to sit in the wheelchair, even though it was a bit mean.

    Melissa is really annoying and she needed to stop with all that crying and carrying on in the bridal shop, like she hadn’t already done that shit twice already.
    She definitely knows what a wedding dress looks like on her, ain’t no point in crying!

    I liked Jabby’s date. He was weird, and I’m not sure why he actually wanted to go out with Jabby, but he was funny.
    I wonder why Jabby was so mean to him though. Does she actually think that she’ll get a Thunder from Down Under dancer as a man? Unless he’s a chubby chaser or has a feeder fetish, the chances of that are astronomically low.
    She better start acting right before she finds herself turning 50 and still being single.

24. 24
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    “I am not a big fan of Abby’s cleavage…she has that uncomfortable kind where the boobs lie against the skin and it looks floppy. I can’t describe it better than that, but it’s not that cute.”

    Jesus. Why would you try?? ;-p

25. 25
    Sarakate77
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    Of course it’s not verboten to talk about the wedding any more…Greg’s divorce is finally final, LOL!

    I’m so sorry I haven’t seen this epi yet…gotta get out to Lifetime!

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    IrishGirl
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    Almost choked to death laughing so hard reading notwithoutmytv…

27. 27
    Corinthia
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    Watched on TV not online, but just speculation, maybe the online episode was the version already conveniently sliced and diced for consumption as a single hour rerun??? (I took a peek at what TV Guide says for this coming Tuesday, and they list a rerun of this long episode fitting in a single hour from 7-8pm…)

28. 28
    Recka
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 11:36 pm

    Tapnfeet- a snark site to poke fun at shows, chloe’s only a little kid, she’s not even a teen yet. kinda mean IMO

    BIG SPOILER

    SPOILER

    For the finale filmed this weekend, they did a dance about breast cancer with a giant ribbon. Maddie and Chloe performed a very similar solo to the same music and same costume. Chloe wins. What a shocking finale *sarcasm*

29. 29
    Tamitha
    Posted March 17, 2013 at 2:21 am

    @MrsRoger- LOL. Doherty’s askew face has always driven me INSANE! Just the other day, my fiance and I had just woken up all hungover and grumpy and silent, and her “education connection” commercial came on, and as he and I just stared blankly at the screen, I finally yelled “WHAT THE FUCK IS WROOONNNG WITH HER FACE?!?!?!” My fiance burst out laughing, then ran to the toilet to puke. Yes, Chloe’s, at this point in her developement, resembles said askew-ness. And CMON, PEOPLE. she IS a kid, meaning she will never read this thread. It’s common knowledge that you are allowed to say whatever you want about a person if they aren’t ever gonna find out. It’s sweet of some of you to take up for her, though. But i’m sure she’ll survive the insult she is never going to read/see/hear from a tvgasm post-er. Funny shit.

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    Samantha
    Posted March 17, 2013 at 11:34 am

    I enjoyed the episode! I’m from New Jersey so I did not take the “did he offer to pump your gas” literally and I was like, who asks that the first time they meet someone xD I then took it to mean he was a gas station attendant and was surprised when he wasn’t again going to the first thought before I thought, wait, you can pump your own gas outside of New Jersey. I’m so dumb lol.

    I feel mean for suggesting this, but did anyone else think that maybe the only reason why the guy asked her out was to get more info for his book? He’s a jerk if that’s true.

    Also, does anyone else remember in the first season when none of the moms (except for Cathy) ever had botox? Then Cathy had to bring all the moms to botox for Kelly’s 40th birthday. Now I feel like Kelly uses it too much, but that’s my opinion.

    I watched the episode on Lifetime’s website and I also didn’t get the Cartwheelgate and Brooke’s solo. Is it just the online episode that had this problem?

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    Annette
    Posted March 17, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    Do they not think that maybe they would place higher in the competition if they maybe practiced the dances for longer than 5 days.
    I am sure those other dances schools have been performing there numbers for months before they perform on stage

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    chaosbutterfly
    Posted March 17, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Kelly does use it too much now.
    She used to look normal and now she looks like The Joker.

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    Tapnfeet99
    Posted March 17, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    They have the full version on iTunes.

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    Recka
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 2:57 am

    They would go better should they practise more than a week, but it would be as dramatic and “interestng”

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    CTRParent
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 6:12 am

    Melissa is on her THIRD marriage according to Christi…I think she mentioned it during the dress shop scene maybe?

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    Kathleen
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 6:39 am

    OMG did you see the ‘rock on’ hand signals that Melissa used after maddie did her solo?? Holy Jesus woman get yourself together and stop embarrassing yourself

37. 37
    TurtleGirl93
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    @IrishGirl, I *did* notice they did events. What do you want to bet that our season finale includes a Very Special Wedding? Abby can choregraph a special processional dance for all the girls to perform.

38. 38
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    ^ Oh God.
    The last thing anyone needs to see on their wedding day is Maddie run-dancing down the aisle, hand dramatically outstretched, with that constipated squirrel look on her face.
    Or even worse, writhing on the ground, hand dramatically outstretched,with that constipated squirrel look on her face.

    That would totally kill the mood.

39. 39
    Liz
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 11:05 am

    I just watched the episode last night. Did anyone notice when Kelly comes to drop Maddie off and is talking to Melissa they do a wide shot of Kenzie and as they go to tighten in you can plainly see a wedding picture on the wall behind her? I rewound and paused it, it’s Melissa in a casual white wedding dress holding hands with a guy on the beach. Either girlfriend has not redecorated or they were already married when this was shot, hence the wearing of the wedding band.
    Also when they are at dance and Melissa calls Kelly to take Maddie home, Kelly says “I’ll just keep her.” When she drops her off the next morning, they script it to make it sound like Kelly was dropping her off right after practice. Lifetime needs to work a little harder on the editing….

40. 40
    Ashley24
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    How olds is Mack? 8 ish….? I can’t believe that Melissa has no idea what that kid does in her room, on a laptop with Internet access! I seen that little video of Kenzie on YouTube months ago. I thought Melissa posted it…what an awful mom.

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    Angelpie26
    Posted March 20, 2013 at 4:52 am

    I think all the girls are talented and cute. I don’t really think Chloe has a wonky face but she does remind me of Stan Laurel when she smiles. I don’t mean that as an insult, I used to love old Laurel and Hardy movies lol. I think Kendall and Paige are especially beautiful. Maddie is incredible, I love watching her dance. Great recap and I agree 2 hours is too long for epis.

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    April
    Posted March 20, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    chaos butterfly that mental image is hilarious. If I ever get remarried I am totally hiring Maddie to come down for shits and giggles.