Kelly screams that the choreography consists only of hip moves and poses. She yells at Jabby to step it up so Paige can beat Kendall. Then Kelly says Jabby won’t do anything about it “because it’s Paige.” One word for this scene: FAKE. It’s like they’re not even trying to act anymore. Shame on all of you, Dance Moms. If you don’t care anymore, why should we?
Kelly and Christi meet for lunch because Kelly “needs someone to talk to” about the choreography issue. I guess talking about it incessantly on camera for the last three weeks doesn’t count. They order cosmos because Kelly needs a drink to go back and watch the terrible choreography. I need a drink after having to type “choreography” five billion times this week.
Hook me up with one of those
They discuss Kelly’s options and decide that Kelly is NOT going to hire a choreographer (because that worked out so well last season). Instead, she is going to change the choreo herself. That’s right, those dance lessons she took in the 1980s qualify her to choreograph a performance piece for her daughter. Christi points out that Jabby probably won’t take kindly to such a move. Kelly says she knows, but what does she have to lose. Not her self-respect, that’s for sure.
In Beef Jerkyland, Cathy says she’s brought in two choreographers to make up a “routine to end all routines.” The two guys look nice enough, if not a little bland. In the background, Vivi uses her eyes to silently beg them to take her to a safe house.
Kendall rehearses her solo and Cathy says her technique needs work. She says that Kendall should treat every rehearsal like it’s a performance and really show some energy. Shrill doesn’t like anyone not kissing her daughter’s ass and interviews again that Cathy seems to have lost interest in Kendall as a dancer. And again, I say, no camera = no love. That’s life in the rodeo, Cowgirl.
Back in PA, Melissa tells the moms that Shrill called her. Christi interrupts to ask why Melissa still even talks to Shrill. I like Christi, but she was really rude when she spoke to Melissa in this scene. But I like how Melissa’s just like, “Whatever. These are my lines and I’m saying them.”
So anyway, apparently, Shrill complained to Melissa that she’s sick of driving two hours every day… (Christi breaks in to do the air violin and say that Shrill made her own bed) and that Cathy can’t choreograph anything anymore.
What’s your point, C?
Melissa adds that Shrill told her Cathy brought in two choreographers. Holly – Hi Holly! Didn’t even know you were still here! – says that means that Cathy is afraid she will lose.
We now go to Kelly’s house – which looks HUGE –
where she and Paige are rehearsing Paige’s solo with a CHAIR. OMG, is it THE CHAIR?
I think it is. Kelly interviews that she wants to change the dance, but she knows if she does, her kid will get in trouble. But on the other hand, she’s doing it to help her kid. So love is pain or something, right Kelly? Paige says she doesn’t want to change the dance because she’s afraid Jabby will throw a chair again. A reasonable fear.
It’s one day till the comp and Kelly and Paige are at the studio “secretly” running Paige’s dance with the changes that Kelly made. Kelly claims that her moves make the dance more technically difficult and then she wonders if Jabby will even notice. Paige monotones that she likes Kelly’s dance better. Oh poor, beaten down Paige.
Competition day. They are in the green room and Jabby says the comp is running about 30 minutes ahead of schedule. Kelly is happy to hear this because there will be no time for Jabby to run Paige’s solo and realize that Kelly changed it. Oh, that’s CONVENIENT, isn’t it? Cough, cough – BULLSHIT – cough, cough. Kelly tells Paige to just keep going over the dance in her head and not to be nervous. Paige looks like she’s about to vomit up her last five meals.
Why did I order that Egg McMuffin?